Sunday
Issues and Love and DatingThe Blue Unicorn Weeps
The Blue Unicorn is a blogger who just joined our Shining Glitters list at PinoyGayBlogs.com. He just wrote an entry that somehow ties with recent issues being tackled here at MGG. Read his story, lifted from his diary circa 2005, and share with him your thoughts.
It was about 6 months…6 months which felt like an eternity that I’ve spent with this guy…6 months of pure joy…. we never had any commitments, we were just each others emotional pillow, each others sexual pill…
But those moments abruptly stopped dead one day. And another day. And another day. i tried calling his cellular phone, but my call was rejected. He knew I tried calling. I had hoped for a follow up. But days passed. Weeks passed. A month passed. He just disappeared. Nothing. I don’t know if it was pride or self-preservation that kept me from bugging him. Which up to now, I know was the best thing I did. But my heart, waited. And waited. Like a forlorn lover. It had robbed me my heart. Until I didn’t want to use it anymore. My days went by without any emotions. Parang robbot ba. Kase if I start feeling anything, kahit awa sa officemate ko. I’d just feel pain. Pain together with a picture of his face, forever imprinted on my mind. I would always look at a black car hoping it was him. Every car park. Every road. My heart was mourning for the loss. It was like losing someone in the war, not knowing if he’s alive or not. What happened. And they are all bottled inside this tortured heart.
One day after three months. I saw him sa Alabang Town Center. Inside Tequila Joe’s. The world stopped and all the pain that I had kept inside wanted to burst and bleed inside the restaurant. I was with a group of straight friends. He looked at me across the room.
“Friday’s na lang tayo gusto nyo?” i asked my friends. Di ko kaya. Mahal dito, sabi ko. Kunwari tawa pa kame ng tawa, just to hide the thousand knifes pinned right through and through me.
“Cge tingnan natin.” agreed a friend.
We went to Friday’s and everything went silent. Wala akong naririnig but my own pain inside. Pain of seeing him again. I had not admitted that I truly loved him before he had left, but the moment I knew that i had lost him. I knew. I loved him so much, even if i had stopped myself from doing so. The sight of him was such a shock, like a knife slicing through my ribs, into my the center of my heart. May family siya. He’s got a a kid who’s like five years old. And an infant na karga ng wife niya. I wanted to go home and weep. Not for finding out that he’s married. But the pain of how easy it was for him to just leave and move on. I am a decent person. What we had was six months. There had been no commitment, but still, sabi nga ni Cameron Diaz sa Vanilla Sky, sleeping with someone gives an unspoken commitment, much more if it dragged for half a year. I knew the risks of heartbreak and loss. But a deliberate walking out without a word. It’s like playing with someone else’s feelings. I need not say it, but he owed something to me. Explanation.
“Tol, me tumatawag sayo.” sabi ni Jeric, friend ko, jolting me out of my reverie. He pointed out to a man outside Friday’s. He looked great as ever. I told myself, i am a mature person. I must handle this, like the person i perceived and prepared myself to be.
“UUYY!!!! musta!!!” masayang bati ko ke Eric. “Nawala ka ah. Balita?”
He asked me if we can talk sa malapit sa parking. So we did.
“Kita nga kita kanina. Wife mo ba yon?” kunwari very nonchalant ako.
“Darwin, stop it.”
He called me by that name. And stop I did. I knew if I stopped, the pain will replace it. And pain dwelled for the most painful moment. “Ok, Eric, what did you want to say…” serious na ko. Nakatingin ako sa kanya.
“Musta ka na.” tanong lang ni niya.
“What do you think?” I paused. “Ineexpect mo ba na kulitin kita? Sorry. You left without a word. You didn’t give me that much decency. And the last thing I want to give you now is the luxury of knowing how much you’ve hurt me. Because you did. And that’s the end of it. But you know what, if you’re talking to me just to assuage your conscience and your guilt, sorry but you’ll have to do that on your own. I can’t stay long, but I’m thankful for this opportunity coz somehow I can close my book and move on.”
It was the most painful point. Walking away. With my heart numb. Yet i knew that time, had i felt anything i’d have broken down to that little child I really was when it came to the game of love and cry and cry and cry. I drove and drove that night, left my friends with a plausible excuse. I did a lot of soul-searching. Not self-pity. But in my time alone, i set the floodgates free and let all my tears flow…flow till there was no more. Till I was tired of crying. Crying not for a loss. But crying just to let pent up emotions free.
That night I went home. Everyone was asleep. I changed. I went to my parents’ room, snuggled up with my Mom and my Dad. And slept soundly for the first time in a long while.
[Comment on this story directly at The Blue Unicorn Journals]
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Apr 6, 2008
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So painful, iwan ka ba sa ere na nag iisa na dapat na kasabay mong paglipad sa kalangitan…
Apr 6, 2008
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Naku ginawa siyang parausan habang buntis si misis. why commitment was out of question…
Apr 6, 2008
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This sounds suspiciously like a story I read in Kwentong Kalibugan. Let me try to find it.
Apr 6, 2008
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Found it: http://kwento.100webspace.net/storyvault19/substory00917.htm
Apr 6, 2008
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Blue Unicorn
Your story is heartbreaking, moving me to tears as I went over your recollection of the past.
He might have every reason to abandon you, as least he should have the decency and courtesy to tell you so, instead of just leaving you right there and then without any word or warning at all.
And you had every reason to figure out why he departed, which departure left you in the dark.
But it’s good to know you finally had the courage to rise from your predicament and see the light. You realized there was hope after all.
Be strong and start smiling. Now you know that one day you will find the right one for you and you will be happier in his arms.
You have the right to be happier again.
My hopes and prayers are with you.
Jigen Riztag
Apr 6, 2008
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I know the struggle. Yeah, I had the same story which I closed on my own accord a year after it all happened.
—
I like this line.
“sleeping with someone gives an unspoken commitment,”
That’s why I don’t believe in such a thing as FUBU. A Fubu can always become a lover, if you know how to touch the person’s heart.
Apr 6, 2008
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grow up, kid. grow up fast. i almost gave this my sympathy.
Apr 6, 2008
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I felt the same way as that BLOGGER did!
Those 6 long glorious months of being in love with a guy who I thought was THE PERFECT man for me! Turned out that he was nothing more than a self-righteous bastard who enjoys playing with people’s emotions!
He loves it when you BEG for him to come back into your life.
Apr 6, 2008
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OO nga noh…..! di lahat ng guy gagawin kang tanga…..at eewan pero napasama sa kanya!!!!kya para satin….. KAMPAY PA!!!!
Apr 6, 2008
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haaay titing masarap for 6mos ok na yun! if you knew he was married, it was foolish of you to fall. but if not, well, he gave you momentary joy.
you’re still fresh…you’ll get through this. like we all did.
Apr 6, 2008
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Aww. Ang bittersweet naman ng istorya. Well-written. I got a little bit carried away. Thanks for sharing, Migs.
Apr 7, 2008
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ilusyonada lokasta
Hahaha
dapat enjoy mo pa maski may ibang gloria na sya
for all you know type pa rin nyang mag dyog no. malay baka iba ang pang lasa sa iyo.
Apr 7, 2008
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medyo nagdududa na ako sa credibility ni blue unicorn ah. I looked up the story in kwentong kalibugan and all I can say is it is EXACTLY like the ending part of the KK story; as in word for word! Another thing is, it was labeled as fiction in the KK. hmmmm…. Taking a portion of a story that was reposed within the bowels of the vaults and claiming it is his life story thinking nobody might notice it. Such a bad move. BTW something tells me that is not his picture also (kutob lang hehehe!)
Apr 7, 2008
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it’s like saying, yung nagsulat sa kwentong kalibugan at si blue unicorn ay iisa. hindi kaya, plagiarism eto?
Apr 7, 2008
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haaay naku….just move on. all of us went through the same experience. let’s take comfort na lang to the fact that there will always be someone else for us. For now, be true to what you feel. You can’t be wrong with your emotions. Cry, be depressed for a while. But after that, live again… I wish you well.good luck.
Apr 7, 2008
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Sad. But show must go on!
Apr 7, 2008
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ouch…..nakakaiyak naman to im so emotional ngaun
Apr 7, 2008
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@vince — checked the link and yes, andun nga ang istorya na ito. but actually, before i read it, i already was asking; the writer above didnt mention at all why he was dropped just like that. there must be something that triggered it, i thought. so yun nga. it was just sex, sex, sex.
Apr 7, 2008
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ganito magsulat ng heart-felt journal! hindi sappy, hindi sexual. as is kinuento
Apr 8, 2008
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Starting over is hard enough knowing why things ended,how much more when you dont even know if you have to start over and why things ended in the first place. I feel for you brother.
Apr 8, 2008
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Que totoo o hindi ang story mo, o nagkataon magkapareho lang? its your faulf pa rin. kase sabi mo “we never had any commitments, we were just each others emotional pillow, each others sexual pill…” Malinaw yon diba? eh bakit ka na inlove? tapos ngayon iiyak iyak ka dyan. Kase ginagawa ko rin minsan ang ginawa nya pag wala wife ko dito. Sorry to say pero yon ang totoo, pag usapan walang commitment malinaw yon! Init lang ng katawan at walang love na namamagitan. Buntis misis nya kailangan nya ng outlet eh ikaw ang nakita? Good luck na lang. Kaya mo yanj. marami ka pang makikilala, yon nga lang sa M2M relationship walang nagtatagal talaga. Pinagdaanan ko na yan. Masakit hanggang maging manhid kana lang. Be strong and move on, just enjoy every minute and everyday of your life, one day makikita mo rin hinahanap mo. Good luck.
Apr 9, 2008
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haaayyyy buhay!
I would love to blame Eric for dumping you, but partly may fault ka rin naman.
Dapat inalam mo muna ang background nya, masyado ka kc nagpadala sa physical attractions mo sa kanya kaya hayun!
If u knew he had a family, cguro u will be more cautious of ur feelings, nde masakit kung iniwan ka nya.
Pero gago din itong si Eric, malibog na, gago pa! Mabilis lang naman magtext para sabihin na… I CANT SEE YOU ANYMORE BEC IM MARRIED. Dba mas mabilis matanggap yun kaysa ni ha ni ho wala!
As they say, In life, we learn from Experiences (o SEXperiences!)
Apr 9, 2008
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nice story, it made me cry. somehow or some part in your story also happened to me.
Apr 9, 2008
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next time be careful with your heart
Apr 9, 2008
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that is a story common to most of us. but it’s so true… we only learn our lessons and hopefully, become better persons at the end of the experience.
Crying the pain out is the first step to healing. Praying for you..
Apr 12, 2008
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straight or gay, there will always be indecent players in the field. Ingat lang. Wag ibibigay ang lahat-lahat kapag nagmahal. Magtira ng sapat para sa sarili. Para hindi guguho ang mundo mo kapag niloko, iniwan o ipinagpalit ka sa iba. It’s a lesson i’ve learned a long time ago, and a lesson that has served me well since then.