The Querida
While real life proves that not everyone finds their one true love (yes, reality indeed bites!) I believe each one has the right to be loved in a unique, focused, and singular way. I tend to frown upon relationships where one party is agrabyado — much like when one is considered the querida, the kabit, the 3rd party,… Yes, in most of these cases, it is a mutual decision. Still, I maintain my stance on the belief that each of us deserve to be loved 100% and that precludes being the querida. But then again, this is just my opinion. And I’m not like the Pope, I am not infallible. Other people can have an opposite stance. Just like this reader who want to be called “Querida” — because he is. Read on for his story.
My story begins with a heartache. I know it wasn’t real love, but it hurt me nonetheless. I was involved with this guy named, itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang G, who has a boyfriend.
It was August of last year when I stumbled upon a guy I recognized as one of my friends in my blog. We exchanged messages in a personals website and eventually started talking over Yahoo Messenger. He helped me forget G. We even came up with crazy ideas on why it wasn’t meant to work out in the first place.
Eventually, I’d stay up late just to get to talk to him over YM. We got to exchange mobile numbers and started text messaging a lot. I knew that he has a boyfriend and I knew what I had to be done to avoid dealing with the same problem I had with G. But no. We started talking over the phone. When we first met, we hit it off immediately. We had sex in their house and had breakfast right after. My first impression of him was this polite yet intimidating man. “He’s not my type” I first thought. But after that first encounter, we made efforts to see each other all the time.
It was only after a month of seeing each other that we decided to call it off. We realized that even though the feeling’s so right, what we’re doing is not the best for both of us. My story doesn’t end here. A week after we “broke up”, we just weren’t able to resist but be intimate again with one another.
In the next 5 months, he got to meet my family and I got to meet his. Funny, actually, coz he’s the only guy I’ve ever introduced to my family. They liked him and I’m assuming his family liked me a lot, too. We got to travel together to this Southeast Asian capital. It was my first time to leave the country with a boyfriend. The two us would always check-in a hotel whenever we felt like celebrating — our monthsaries, our birthdays, and even Christmas. We’d always give each other gifts and would always surprise each other. We’d always say ‘i love you’ to each other and I knew that it was sincere all the time.
I always thought that these things we’d do together was all to ensure we will have a future. Whenever we were together, I always felt like he had no boyfriend.
It was only recently when he realized that he still might be in love with his real boyfriend and that he’s been selfish long enough to hurt the two people he loves the most. And that’s when we decided to stop. For real. Sad, really, that I feel like I’m the expendable one. But hey, no regrets. I think I know what I got myself into in the first place. Maybe the time is not right. I do know that what I feel for him, this love I have for him, is very real. It’s as genuine as love can get.
I don’t want to be bitter neither do I want to think that he made me hope we’ll be together in the near future. I do know that his love for me is real, too. And I do know that he hopes we get together someday. Every minute I spent with him was a decision on my part that I want to be with him. All the dreams and the promises are still there. Getting married. Having kids. Me getting to see the City of Love for the first time with him. I know they’ll come true. Maybe just not now.
We’re not closing any doors. Mine will always be open and I know
he’ll come right in in the future.
I know we’ll be together in the future. I don’t think I have the courage to see other people. It’s my choice, really. I’m gonna save this heart of mine for him. Until then, I know we’ll be good friends for sure. I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want him to lose me. I love him. And I can say for sure now that he’s the only person I ever really loved and will love.
In April, we’ll have dinner together. Hopefully, after some time alone for myself (I’m going out of the country alone next week), I’ll come out a happy person. I know he wants me to be happy.
But I also know that I can only say I’m truly happy once we both find ourselves unattached, and realize that it’s time we get together again.
Do share your thoughts — I am sure “Querida” is following this.
Possibly Related Entries:
- Is Migs Falling in Love?
- MGG Sunday Chika
- It’s Raining (Str8acting Gay) Men!
- The First Noel (a true story)
March 7th, 2007 at 10:57 am
minsan pinangarap ko rin maging isang ‘kabit’ or querida! … hmmm teka let me rephrase that: AMBISYON kong maging isang ‘kabit’ or querida! … anyone out there interested?
ang saya saya!
March 7th, 2007 at 11:05 am
nakakapagod maging kabit. it gets emotionally draining. pero after mo maging kabit, kapag wala na, that’s when you’ll realize na ’sana pala pinagpatuloy na lang namin’.
March 7th, 2007 at 11:16 am
if you fell in love with a guy na may bf and you’re looking for a person who can help you forget him, bakit another guy with a bf pa? hindi ka pa ba nadala kay G?
there are so many guys in the world. if you fall in love that easily, madali kang makakahanap ng single guy.
i suggest don’t ever try to be a “querida” again because, in my opinion, they, especially if they know they are one, are bad people. ang kawawa kasi yung original lover. wala siyang kaide-ideya (?) na niloloko niyo na pala siya.
dapat diyan sa guy na naka-relasyon mo binabatukan. hindi na nakuntento sa isa. tiyaka based on your story, hind ba para ka lang ulam na tinikman niya sandali kaso he found out na mas masarap pala yung original ulam niya? hindi ba nakakagalit yun? batukan mo with a sledgehammer nang mabawasan ang mga nangangaliwa sa mundo! bwahahahaha
March 7th, 2007 at 11:56 am
I dont know, does prayer work in this case? Baka there will be some goodnews come april.
March 7th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
gus2 ko to. pang mmk.
March 7th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
naku … ayan na naman … may nagmamagaling na nang-husga na BAD PEOPLE daw ang mga querida! di kaya dapat alamin kung bakit nangaliwa ang bf bago husgahan ang querida? baka mas bad yung bf kesa sa querida kasi di nakuntento sa isa o kaya bad din yung original na jowa as in selfish kaya nangaliwa ang asawa … huwag i-generalize na lahat ng querida ay bad people … haller??!!!
soon-to-be querida,
anton maton
March 7th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
anton maton, hindi ako nagmamagaling. nagbibigay ako ng opinyon and i think that is what Querida wants. opinions. kaya nga pinapost niya kay migs ang story niya dito. hindi kaya’t ikaw ang nagmamagaling dahil kinokontra mo ang OPINYON ng isang tao na para bang ang sinabi ay isang actual fact?
“baka mas bad yung bf kesa sa querida kasi di nakuntento sa isa o kaya bad din yung original na jowa as in selfish kaya nangaliwa ang asawa”
tama ka. mas bad yung bf. pero that doesn’t make the querida a good person. alam naman niyang may ibang karelasyon ang tao, papatol pa siya? at sa pagpatol niya, hindi ba’t tinutulungan niya yung bf na manloko? kinukunsinte niya ang ginagawa nung bf? kung bad naman yung original jowa, bat hindi makipag-break yung bf? eh di sana walang problema? haller??
March 7th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
tanungin niyo muna yung querida kung gusto niya ba talagang pumatol sa may boyfriend. tama si anton maton. it’s not really the querida’s fault all the time. and you have to delve deeper kasi para malaman kung bakit yung may boyfriend eh nangaliwa din. diba? what if sabihin nating ineexpect niya kasing mawawala na sila ng bf niya. or talagang nagkaron siya ng mindset before to break up already. or malay niyo matagal nang hindi nagsex kaya inisip na wala talaga. diba? wag niyo husgahan yung querida agad at pati yung nangaliwang boyfriend.
March 7th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
josh:
oo nga. baka prayer’s the best for querida at this time.
March 7th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
siyet! may fans club akech! ang saya saya!
soon-to-be querida,
ang nagmamagaling na si anton maton
March 7th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Anton Maton, papatol ka ba sa isa pang querida? Pede ka bang maging queirda ng querida?
Dati tingin ko sa querida, bad people. Tapos some of my friends became querida, and I kinda changed my mind. Ngayon (not officially) pero isa akong querida.
Masaklap but things like this happen. Masamang tao ba ko? sometimes I feel like I am, and Im constantly trying to break free of the relationship. But its hard, o baka naman Im selfish and I dont want to.
Kaya nga sana pumayag si Anton Maton maging querida ko. Para hindi na ko querida.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
QUERIDA? Teka muna, wala naman attached sa kanila that would properly designate one of them as the “querida”. Secondly, inamin naman nung isa na BAKA mahal pa niya yung isang guy, so sinong inagrabyado?
Ay naku, pure drama lang ito, no issues except gusto lang magpaka-martyr o di kaya gusto lang magpa-pansin dito sa MGG.
Teka nga, purrrrr…….
March 7th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
i think “querida” can be a state of mind for some people. if 2 people really love each other, it’s not the thought of not receiving 100% love (as MG stated), but the fact the one or both of the parties is/are giving the other 100% love. isn’t that a better prospect for future happiness? i don’t know. what do you think, MG?
March 7th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Kuya Miggs sana mafeature mo naman si Kevin Zegers here sa blog mo. I got interested on him kasi sa It’s a Boy Girl Thing. Ta’s nung tiningnan ko filmo n’ya sa imdb may muvee pala s’yang almost naked s’ya dun-Transamerica.
March 7th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Hmmm… tagos sa puso with all endtrails…… need not elaborate.. pero it hurts when youre the 3rd placer in a relationship…. parang doormat ang feeling and it sucks, but then you cant do anything coz no matter how painful it is, you still belive that your love is only for that person… bakit unfair ang mundo?
March 7th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
i used to stand at the opposite end of the pole chastising those who are queridas. it is easier to moralise about being a querida until you become one. i have a very similar story. i was a querida too. it all started as just a friendly date. i knew then that he had a bf. he didn’t lie about it. we spend a lot of times together as friends. had sex and all. still we were just friends. we even had holidays together until one day he said he loved his bf more and although he loves me, too, it isn’t a amorous as it is with his bf. he also said that i am his best friend and that he will not let me go. years past. he is with his bf and i found a new one. yet we still see each other as best friends and occasionally do naughty things. we agreed that if we are to betray our respective bfs, we might as well do it among ourselves at least in the process celebrating our friendship.
March 7th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
wow. ang ganda ng sinabi ni brown sugar.
it’s not receiving, but giving. that’s so true.
March 8th, 2007 at 6:36 am
I have to assume that the relationship between your lover and his bf is supposed to be exclusive; otherwise, this debate is moot. Let me ask you Q, how would you feel if you were the one being cheated on? I think you will agree that this kind of betrayal will devastate you if you were on the other side. Then why is it okay just because it is the other person? There are many reasons why people cheat on their partners but the primary ones are about insecurity, control and neglect. I will not elaborate more on these reasons because this is not so much about your lover but more about your role in this conundrum. From what you have already admitted on your letter, you are not the real bf of this guy, so why are you welling to be only second? Don’t you think you deserve to be first and only one in someone’s life? I know that when your mind is clouded with all the emotions that you are feeling for this guy, it is difficult to think straight, but why waste so much time and energy on something that may not be there in the end. You could have used that precious gift of time to focus on finding someone who will give you his all, for you. I know you might say that all of the experiences and the time you were together were worth it (despite all the negatives), but how long are you going to wait for this person to have only you in his life? And even if you do end up together, I think the most important question that you need to ask yourself is – how can you ever trust this guy who already betrayed his bf? You will never be sure that he won’t do the same to you. Is he really worth all the doubts, suspicions and frustrations that may dictate your future relationship with him?
March 8th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Anton Maton is right, huwag husgahan ang isang querida. Hindi niya kasalanan kung may qualities siyang mas higit dun sa legit BF or wife (kung married ang hombre). Kanya kanya tayo ng kadramahan sa buhay. At Kung isang kasalanan ang pagiging mas mahusay at maganda sa legit BF or wife, patawarin nyo na lang kaming mga Querida.
Ang masasabi ko ka lang kay ‘Queridaâ€, keep your mind open at buksan mo ang iyong puso sa possibilities na merong single guy around na mas higit ang qualities sa BF mo. Malay mo nandito lang siya sa forum na ito hee hee.
Fine, mahal mo ang guy, pero mahal ka ba niyang talaga? Bakit hindi niya maiwan ang BF niya at sa iyo sumama? Suriin mo rin ang intention at karakter ng guy. Kung nagawa niya sa BF niya ang magtaksil (by having you on the side), posible na magawa din niya sa yo yun – ang maghanap ulit ng querida.
Libre ang mangarap; pero huwag mong kalimutan ang reyalidad na siya ay nasa BF niya at ikaw ay nag-iisa. Fine, pwede kang maghintay, pero hanggang kailan naman kaya? Don’t you think kailangan mo nang kumawala diyan sa mindset na “I can say for sure now that he’s the only person I ever really loved and will love…… I’m truly happy once we both find ourselves unattachedâ€.
Trust me, a few years from now, tatawanan at kaiinisan mo ang mga linyang yan at itatanong mong bigla sa sarili mo “ganon ba talaga ako kagaga noon???â€.
March 8th, 2007 at 9:35 am
I can relate. I was in an open relationship for 10 years. I thought it would last forever. My partner ended up falling for somebody else, and decided to become monogamous with his new partner.I still love him and I miss him everyday. I don’t know when I will be ok ever again.
March 8th, 2007 at 10:53 am
i totally agree with ace….i had the same experience but in different situation….im actually the original lover but then he fell out of love so he dumped me, but then after that we became intimate again until i had to stop it because its not helping me infact it made me feel worse…it only proves one thing…talagang cheater cya!!!!somehow i’ve felt victorious kc parang nakaganti na ako dun sa bago nyang lover….pero ndi pala kc it never made me feel happy….so to querida…stop it… you’ll find someone better na ikaw lang talaga ang nasa puso nya…start learning to love your self first before loving others….now i’m struggling to move on but i know i can do it….only a matter of time…to ace thank you for such an inspiring words…it really hit a mark…..
March 8th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Mahirap husgahan ang isang relasyon tulad nito kung hindi natin alam ang mga kaganapan sa likod ng “pagsasamang” ito. Minsan kase, yung mga maliliit na detalye na hindi natin alam at yung hindi nailathala ay siyang nakakapagpahirap ng lubusan sa ating pang-unawa sa ganitong uri ng relasyon.
Dumaan na rin ako sa pagiging querida. OO, madaling sabihin na masama ito o kagagawan ko at kasalanan ko kung bakit ako nasaktan. Hanggang ngayon, lumilingon ako sa aking nakaraan at alam ko mang nagkamali ako, hindi ko minsan naisip na ako, o ang aking naging kasintahang may kasintahang iba, ay masasamang tao. Nabulag lang kaming lahat ng tinatawag nating “pagmamahal” - kung ano man ang nais nating ipagkahulugan sa salitang ito.
Nahulog, nadapa, tumayo, natuto. [Huwag naman sana akong mahulog at madapang muli, no?]
March 8th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
ang dami daming excuses!
alam nyo mag-aminan tayo, there is something inherently wrong with entering a relationship as or with a querida. irregardless of what goes on between the wayward lover and the third party, it is just wrong.
hinayaan ninyong mabuo ang feelings ninyo at may mamagitan sa inyong dalawa kahit alam ninyong meron kayong sinasaktan or niloloko ng patalikod.
and to use “falling in love” as an excuse is a blind romantics way of justifying an wrong he wants to deny. siempre, may aamin bang mali ang ginagawa nya.
if you’re going to engage in extra curriculars (or partake of the forbidden buffet) then keep it simple. TITI LANG YAN!
March 8th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
ay siyet .. gusto ko yung last line ni peterpic! - TITI LANG YAN! Aminin na kasi… likas lang kayong malibog! But I still wanna be a QUERIDA … kasi malibog ako at mahilig din ako sa TITI! at higit sa lahat - mas masarap yung may-kaagaw! more challenging! oh nalokah kayo! bleah!
March 8th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Naging querida na rin ako, but when I got to know the legal boyfriend better and realized what a nice person he was and how hurt and betrayed he’ll feel if he found out about his boyfriend and I, I was the one who broke it off.
It’s just less complicated this way.
March 8th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
Teka,
Migs I think, we all need drama in our lives (talk about me being ma-drama…tentenenentenen!!!)
But here’s my little bit: It was 2004 and my little fingers found a place called FFF (sige na don’t need to spell it out). Tapos dun I met at least two people named Tony (ay naku ito na!) Tony one was 41 at the time, just came out to his family and we dated. To make a short story shorter, we became a couple. But I had misgivings. I told him if you think we shouldn’t we can just go back to being friends. He said, he wanted to be bf. So one day, it was a thursday I went to his office in the afternoon wanting to share my day with him. I caught him talking with someone on the phone. I didn’t mind. So I asked him would you like me to walk you home? Di na daw meron syang lakad sa SM. Papunta din ako dun. He kept on avoiding going with me, then he came clean. He was meeting someone from FFF who was coming down from the North. Was he looking for a querida? Because after I told him, di ko gusto yan, and left, he left me cold.
Then months later, still in FFF I met this guy, Tony R. ( parang sailor moon ). I liked him, he had a winning smile and yes, he wore a kamiseta (it was adorable). I met him, we had sex. It became a regular thing. Then he started going to my church to fetch me. He went to my choir to see me there safe. He even went to work and to the house (he won my co-workers over with Go Nuts doughnuts). So after 4 months of that I said, you’ve seen most of my life. What else is there left? He said, I’m happy the way things are. So I pulled back and didn’t call, text or even email. He wanted me back. Try natin maging tayo. Well after one month of that, dropped calls. Suddenly leaving. Somebody calling that he had to answer. Was there somebody else?
Turned out after I broke up with him (di ko kayang tanggapin ito) I was the second guy. His BF of 4 years (T*ng*na!!! 4 years!!!) was the reason he couldn’t be with me. Then came the return engagement of friends with benefits.
Ugh.
He trained me well. When I couldn’t hook up with him, some married guys would.
Then I had a long hard look into what I wanted. ( Intro music of Wicked: something has changed within me…) Even if we call what we feel for them is love (and not just a hunk of flesh ie: etits )that love is just too evanescent (bring me back to life!!! my immortal!!!). And it leaves one hollow and used.
So let’s say you look at yourself and say, what do I really want? If you get what you want in that set up why whine about it? Deal with it. If that’s not how you see yourself, then for God’s sake, do the paradigm shift and date.
I am not genuinely ecstatic that I went through those two Tonys. But it made me take a long hard look at who I was and what I wanted. (intro music of For Good from Wicked)
March 9th, 2007 at 1:46 am
Willing ako maging querida ni TonyBoy Cojuangco. Nalilibugan ako dun.
March 9th, 2007 at 4:29 am
i found out that i was a “querida”. my 1st real bf of more 2 years turned out to be a two-timing bastard. i caught them in a mall while i was out shopping for a christmas gift for him. i literally chased/followed them to the bus stop. he knew i saw them and he did everything he could to discourage me from coming closer to or confronting them. the next day, christmas eve, he cam around my place and told me that he was with this other guy for about 5 years. that meant that i was just that — a “querida”. it hurt a lot. we went on for about 5 more months until he finally said goodbye one day. when his last words went like: “— mag-ingat ka palagi, ha?”, i knew right there and then, he would never come back. and so it went. after a few months, i bumped into him shopping with a new guy — his “cousin” apparently — and i knew this was the new “querida”. it still hurts to think about it. but everything has its way of working out and making you become a better person for it. if there’s any lesson to learn out of it, it should be the we should all come out the better for it, not worse. follow your instincts and maintain your dignity. despite what i said before — better to give than to receive — love can blind us sometimes. it some situations, it pays better to use the head.
March 10th, 2007 at 5:01 am
walang parehong kasalanan ang kerida at ang nangerida. wag kayong umarte. pareho nilang ginusto yun dahil na-inlove sila sa isa’t isa
March 10th, 2007 at 7:40 am
i tend to agree with mahilig mangirida. it something that happens. but, loyalty is also something that needs to be cherished. if you’re already involved with somebody, you can’t just let things go the way they normally would with somebody else if you kknew it would compromise the integrity of the relationship. for me, it’s mere selfishness. you can’t have all the cake to yourself (and eat all of it yourself). think about your partner’s feelings. there’s no way it would be fair.
March 10th, 2007 at 9:19 am
brown sugar…very well said…pagiging selfish talaga ang mainvolve sa iba kht meron kanang relationship…lalo na kung matagal n kau nung original lover mo…parang sila lang ang may karapatang lumigaya diba? pano naman ung emotional investment mo dun s relationship, ganun lang ba yun? nakakaokray talaga!!!!!!
March 10th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
some friends i know have been in similar situations. the common premise they use is that gay men are not built for monogamous relationships. hence, they don’t think it’s bad at all. i don’t judge them at all, because they’re good people, they just can’t help themselves. but when it comes to hurting someone who’s invested so much into a monogamous relationship, i think it has to be dealt with seriously, especially if someone’s life plans have been ruined. my final point is, if you can’t keep a monogamous relationship, just be clear about it with everyone else that you are not going into a 1-on-1 relationship with anyone until you finally can do it without giving in to the temptation of getting it on with someone else at the same time. then again, as i’ve said before, love can be blind. but as good ole barbra said: “on a clear day, rise and look around you, and you will see who you are…”
April 11th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
i’ve known all of the dalliances and flings of my partner of 10 years. after some time of snooping and finding out all the betrayal and dark side of my partner, i learned to do the most intelligent thing in a relationship. Play dumb. Laugh it off.
April 30th, 2007 at 1:28 am
simple lang po, ang querida ay querida, negative na agad kaya wag piliting itama.. alam mong may nasasaktan ka at maaapakan ka bukod sa sarili mo so kelan ito nakakatuwa at nagiging tama?
sa isang relasyon, may parehong responsibilidad ang involve dito.. kung may pagukulang ang isa o pareho man, ndi dahilan ito para mangaliwa.. ayusin mo ito o pangatawanan mo.. kung hopless na hiwalayan mo at saka humanap ng iba hindi dapat ang gumamit pa ng ibang tao bilang querida.. un lang po.. isang idealistikong pagiisip lang po.
May 28th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
tama ka enzo… isa isa lang… the wrongs in the present relationship will never be made right by getting into a new relationship.
August 26th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
[…] blogger CC, yes Mr. Corporate Closet himself, has finally given in to having a gay mistress. Yes, a querida! This made me very sad, as I know CC from way back in business school — where he was known to […]
August 31st, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Querida.. ang sakit pakinggan. How noble to hold out for this ‘right’ person, wishing he’ll end that first relationship and come happily hopping back to your arms. But how stupid, really. I have been a querida and it was painful. I thought that love is that way, a sweet sacrifice. But why play second fiddle for an extended period of time when you can be the lead? I got tired being a consolation prize. Even when I knew (i thought i knew) the contents of his heart and the height of his dreams, I’m a back up.
I got a better perspective when I got my own querida. It was living in hell. When you’re with number 1, you think of number 2. When you’re with number 2, you think of number 1. It wasn’t because I had so much love in me that I can give it to more than one, but it was because of a selfish feeling. I wanted to be satisfied by others; but not to tell number 1. And it was more than I can handle. And as I pictured how it all would end, it was still a surprise ending with one fact remaining: it was my fault that everyone is hurting. Inocence was lost.
Rule #3: Abide by the rules of love. When it’s time to move on, move along!
September 7th, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Parang ang sarap kumanta ng Saving all my love for you. O di ba, pang Querida talaga. There are so many sad things that I hear about being querida but still I want to be a Querida minsan., Lols. Para kasing exciting. Hehe. Wag ng mag inarte. Love always makes us commit the most rediculous ones. Yun na.