Singlehood is so much fun
Singlehood is so fun. And yet it is so educational, too.
Recently I met this guy, let’s call him Mar. He’s 24, a cute chap, smiling face, and, yes he’s a straight-acting gay guy. And he’s one of those who have not really made up their minds regarding their sexual preference. “For me, wala lang ito. Di ko iniisip, basta fun lang. I have too many other issues in my life, bakit ko pro-problemahin kung bading ako o hindi? Magkakapera ba ako kapag na-figure out ko yun?” Mar said.
As our conversation progressed, I felt my brain was about to bleed with so many warring twists and turns in his logic. Obviously, the guy is in denial. He wants to have a family, he wants to please his mom, he wants to be the same way as how his friends imagine him to be, he wants everything — except to be honest.
But I did not say a word to go against any of his statements. I sensed that I cannot offer any argument that can make him see the lapses in logic. I thought that maybe Mar needed some more time, and some more experiences to perhaps learn a thing or two about facing reality head on. For now, all he wanted was to have fun.
And so did I.
Epilogue: So after a few more of my nods, “uhums” and “yes” while he was delivering his piece, he started to naughtily go south. And for a while, the world (in my mind) was a veritable land of peace and pleasure. Hahaha!
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July 8th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Mukhang napasubo rin si Mar!
July 9th, 2007 at 12:29 am
galing nung article na ito ha, i love the part yung ini-enumerate yung mga denials nya tapos kinabog sa ending na he wants everything- except to be HONEST!
—TARUSH— NAMAN!!! yUN LANG
July 9th, 2007 at 12:37 am
misterhubs: witty comment!
migs, i think a lot of guys start off that way. I, myself, began with that frame of mind. Admittedly, I still do have a part of me that wants a wife and kids no matter how small.
He does have a point in saying why he should worry about being gay when there are other more important things in life to be concerned about. It’s his way of thinking that makes life less complicated.
In my humble opinion, he’ll end up deciding what he wants later on in life. Meanwhile, he’s having the best time of his life. What’s important is that both of you had a good time
July 9th, 2007 at 12:59 am
mahalay ka migs!!!! pumatol ka sa isang bata hahahaha!!!!
July 9th, 2007 at 1:06 am
this reminds me of right said fred’s “don’t talk just kiss”
teehee
good job migs!
July 9th, 2007 at 2:00 am
@ chismoso: don’t we all have that small part in ourselves wishing that we were “normal” (based on society’s “norms”) - had a wife and kids, saving up for our dream houses. I forgot which movie was that where a character said “If I had a choice, I wouldn’t choose to be like this. But I didn’t have a choice.” Or was it just me, on one of our friday drinking nights with the boss. I dunno. anway, I’m gay, I’m going out with someone for 11 months and I’m happy. And that cuts it for me.
July 9th, 2007 at 4:52 am
That’s cool!
July 9th, 2007 at 11:07 am
I think no one really knows what’s true or what isn’t. Judgement, in the perspective of an imperfect mortal is just an temporary concept. The reality is no one really knows what is right or not. Rules are made because we base it on what we think is right. But rules change because we realize that we change, and in a world of change, nothing is absolutely true. The reason why we were given free will is to choose for ourselves what is and what isn’t right. You have no right to judge anyone because you are imperfect. You have no right to tell someone to be “honest” to himself if no one really knows what being honest and true is. I noticed in this blog that you folks just go bumping around people as if you have the right to. Remember, we are all imperfect. If I were you, I’d just keep keep my mouth shut because you really don’t know anything about life because we humans only live based on what we think is right.
July 9th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
I think when migs said the guy wants everything, except to be honest, i have two things to say there: honest to what and to whom? is being honest about one’s own gender preferences the only form of honesty? and second, we live our lives with our own hirarchy of needs and priorities. problably honesty about who he really is (granted that this is clear to him already) ranks below the desire to earn a living, to be compassionate, to serve others, and so on.
we have our own different logics of living — perhaps someone’s logic of being married with kids and being bi doesn’t fall within someone else’s logic — but to me it does. happiness and honesty relate to each other in forms that are changing as we struggle through the daily challenges of life. if someone says “i love my family, but i am a closeted bi, and i am happy.” logical din, di ba?
pero migs, idol kita! galing mong mag —- sulat!
July 9th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Well said Adrammelech. Why do we always have to form an opinion or sometimes judgement to others. In the process, we tend to appear “righteous” as we try to analyze an individual’s case or how he wants to run his life. Each of us have a choice on which path to thread in our life’s journey. It’s part of the process and there’s also beauty in experiencing the normal course not to mention the lessons to be learned. Some of us may be blessed with the life’s wisdom and a guiding light but until it’s solicited, I believe we can only provide courtesy and respect. Live and let live.
July 9th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
rock and rule!
hehe
July 9th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
nice, nakakatuwa siya… the experience i tihnk was absolutely kewl!
July 9th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
I always love it when they go south. :))
July 9th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
taray ni bakla
July 9th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
oo nga naman.. who needs logic when, even in the absence of it, you can be in a “world that is a veritable land of peace and pleasure.”?
kiber sa logic! go for pleasure!
July 9th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Karapatan nya yan but am sure, he is not at peace, nothing can be more satisfying than be true to oneself.
July 9th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
Dapat naman ganyan ang mga bading eh, as for me dapat formal why scream your gayness to show thatyou are a member of the third dimension. Kaya naman ang mga bading up now di mairespeto specially in the provinces.
July 9th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
I have a boyfriend. We’ve been going on for three months and we prefer acting straight mainly because of the reason that we want to leave even just a little part of what the creator gave us. Honestly, I don’t understand why most gay men persuade “closet individuals” to come out. It is our choice to become like this and I think that you should respect that. We (closet gays) haven’t done anything wrong to you, and I think that we deserve the same treatment. Besides, shouldn’t we be helping each other as gays instead of hitting on each other? Come on, it’s as if there would still be anyone helping us but ourselves
July 9th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
Hay.
Didn’t Dr Jeckyl create Mr. Hyde?
Well, there’s always Scylla.
I will take myself as I am.
If people now can’t take that, I will find me people who will. For in time, I will be found.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
Boyd: actually, given a choice, I’d still choose being who I am today, but i’d love to have a kid to nurture, to show the kid the love that a kid should get, unlike the treatment I received from my dad and other relatives. I’d like my kid to be one of the first few of their generation to teach others about respect for other people’s lifestyles and choices.
Adrammelech: I’d had a bf for two years now and it’s wonderful to be in a relationship. It does feel a little constricting not to come out to everyone because sometimes you just want to hold each others’ hands. I agree with you, though that no one should be forced to come out or behave different from how they naturally are, and that we should all help each other than pelting each other with verbal pebbles, rocks, and stones.
July 10th, 2007 at 12:29 am
Well, it becomes constricting only when you love showing off to the public (Public Display of Affection). You don’t need to hold hands with your boyfriend just to feel secure. If you know you love each other, why the need? That applies to heterosexuals as well. Being gay isn’t any different from being straight. There are gays who aren’t shy about they’re relationships and there are those who are. The same goes with heterosexual relationship. The only difference is that people put a negative connotation to homosexual relationship, thinking that such relationships are just about “sucking dicks and fucking asses, when in fact, heterosexuals also “suck dicks and fuck asses”. The real problem with people is that they try to be different eventhough they’re just the same.
July 10th, 2007 at 1:18 am
nacuacualowkwah! botomesa pala ang pamhinta!
July 10th, 2007 at 4:12 am
Am speechless!Bow na lang akwoo!Whatever it is,it is…as long as it is,it is…!
July 10th, 2007 at 8:23 am
He’s only 24, give him the benefit of the doubt. Mar can have fun, look at Migs, he did.
July 10th, 2007 at 8:41 am
People certainly have the right to live their lives as they say fit, providing they are not hurting someone else in the process. But, I think the frustration for the people who are open about themselves as gay individuals to the rest of society is that they feel alone and abandoned in their struggle for equality. Fear, apathy and being unaware are all antithesis to change. In other words if not enough people are willing to do something to bring about change, nothing will ever change. Being honest means knowing and accepting yourself as you are and living your life with dignity, freedom and without fear. As with any struggle, there is strength and safety in numbers. Many countries in the West now have enshrined in their constitutions, equality in all aspects of life for gays (criminal laws, marriage, employment, housing, spousal pension and benefits) because the previous generations fought with everything they had to change the laws and society’s perceptions. For the most part the younger generations of gays in these countries are now enjoying the fruits of the struggle that the previous generations sacrificed for. It is by no means perfect and the struggle continues, but the difference between the two generations (in terms of equality, freedom and society’s attitude) is night and day. Struggle, as the word suggest, entails certain sacrifice from individuals and nothing ever comes from nothing.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:28 am
This guy Mar is only 24 and he will come around to accept the fact that he is gay. Let’s not add to the social pressure that he feels to conform with society’s expectations. Since he went down on Migs, it’s quite safe to assume that Mar is on our team. I agree with Ace, however, that the likes of Mar do not help the struggle of other gay mean for equality and dignity, and that at the root of this self-denial is still this unfortunate self-loathing inculcated in many of us by our Catholic upbringing. I don’t agree with Adrammelech’s statement re: leaving just a little part of what God gave us. You should try to listen more to God, and you will hear God saying that you are wonderfully made. Being gay is a gift and a grace, and to hide, suppress, deny, or loathe it is the sad and unfortunate choice of many of us, a decision that we nonetheless have to respect, even if we can see how wrong-minded it is. Thanks, Migs, for this, such an engaging conversation, though not as engaging as the one you had with Mar.
July 10th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
There are gays who don’t want to join in the fight against because they don’t seem affected by it. Just like normal people, there are also what you call “deviants” in gay society. You have to remember that there are gays who prefer acting straight instead of being feminine. Whatever the reason, you’ll have to respect that. It’s not that we don’t give importance to the contributions of the previous generations. It’s just that we chose to live like this. Besides, we didn’t ask for those rights anyway. Even if there were no gay rights today, homosexuality will continue to exist as it has always done. Frankly, I think that gays are persecuted because of the way they act and the way they dress. I understand everything about the fashion statement, but come on! Who would respect anyone who looks like the evil queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves!? I believe that if you want respect, you should respect yourself first. You don’t necessarily have to give up fashion. Just dress in a way that doesn’t make you look like the Loch Ness Monster. Also, remember that whatever you do, even if you remove your dick and blow your chest, YOU WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN! I think that being gay isn’t about being a bitch! Believe me, most gay men like gay men who look and act like real men. Remember that the most common reason why gays are first attracted to men is because of their masculinity. Remove that from the picture and you have just taken away the most important part of homosexual attraction. Anyway, that’s just my opinion. I don’t really care if you believe me or not. THAT’S JUST MY OPINION
July 11th, 2007 at 7:20 am
@ adrammelech, you’re on fire!
@ migs, can i go south on u too?
July 11th, 2007 at 8:15 am
Holy c! Are we back in the Middle Ages? Wait, let me check my iPhone. Hmmm, it is 2007 – time to wake up. I’m 23 years old, a boxer and in training to be a paramedic. Yes, I’m gay, out, happy and well-adjusted. My boyfriend is 22 years old, out, a skier and in training to be a fireman. Both our parents marched with us to in-act a law against gay bashing in my country. With hard work and persistence the new law passed and now entrenched in our constitution to protect the vulnerable and to deter this type of crime. My boyfriend and I are monogamous and we plan to have a civil wedding someday (It is legal, thanks to those who fought the good fight). We also plan to adopt a child or two someday (also legal). We have visited and enjoyed your beautiful beaches and diving spots last year and we hope to be back someday. Live by example – live free, live fully, live true with no hung-up and no prejudices (especially to gays who prefer to show their feminine side). Let go of the old gay stereotypes. They are so yesterday. You guys can change things. We did it in my country. Peace.
(Ace, beautiful, you are the man. I’d like to meet you one day. Raymond, right on.)
July 11th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Thanks, Boiskater, my thoughts exactly. But what country are you from? I am greatly inspired by the legalization of gay marriages in Belgium, Canada, the Netherlands, Spain, South Africa, and a few others, albeit they go by other names (domestic partnerships). I have this crazy dream that it will also happen in the Philippines within my lifetime, and the example of countries such as yours is, I believe, the unstoppable force of history meeting the immovable object that is the Catholic Church in the Philippines. Rest assured that I am doing my part in fighting the good fight, as I am sure Ace and Migs are, in our own ways, big and small.
July 11th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Raymond, I am from Canada. I stumbled here when I was looking for infos on the diving spots that we visited last year. It sounds like you guys have a difficult task ahead, even from within your own gay community. I hope there are enough of you guys to face the challenge, otherwise you guys will be stuck for a long time. Best of luck to you and the rest.
July 11th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
Exacatly. Change the gay stereotype. No need to be feminine (except if you’re dreaming of becoming a woman, which wouldn’t happen even if you have an operation). Show the world that we are a decent race!
July 12th, 2007 at 2:58 am
@ Adrammelech:
You said, “Besides, shouldn’t we be helping each other as gays instead of hitting on each other? Come on, it’s as if there would still be anyone helping us but ourselves”.
And then you did a 180 in saying that, “There are gays who don’t want to join in the fight against because they don’t seem affected by it. Just like normal people, there are also what you call “deviants” in gay society.”
Selective charity?
July 12th, 2007 at 3:06 am
@ Adrammelech:
Oh, and I don’t think you need to be straight-acting to be called decent. I totally respect your choice to be a closeted homosexual in a closeted gay relationship. But I hope you reciprocate that with respect, or at least tolerance, for my choice of being out and in a relationship with my boyfriend. We hold hands, hug and kiss in public not because we want to feel secure about our relationship but because we are really into each other and it simply feels so nice to be held, kissed or hugged. It’s only natural to do that to someone you love. We are always afraid of what people will say. Why? Do we do them harm? I don’t think so.
July 12th, 2007 at 5:34 am
Boiskater, comment allez vous? Small world eh? You are so young and yet so wise. So…together. You put most of us to shame. I know the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms and it is light years ahead of most countries. It is a bit disconcerting here though. I’m not sure if changes are possible. Let me know how to give you a shout.
July 12th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
I agree with Adrammelech. If you’re gay then you’re gay. There’s no need for you to cross dress (i have nothing against cross-dressers-it’s their choice) and walk on the street like your on the catwalk. It’s also the choice of gay men to act straight because that’s what make them happy. Real straight men or women don’t announce to public that they are straight, do they? So there’s no need for gay men to announce to public that they are gay. To those gay men who denounce other gay men to come out and show the public what they are, I would say back up..You chose to be known to people of your gender then straight acting gays have the right to choose what they want people to see them as well.
July 13th, 2007 at 9:07 am
Ace, tres bein, merci. Small world, indeed. I know what you mean by disconcerting. I’ve noticed. You just need to ignore the naysayers and the self-absorbed, and focus on those who are positive and are willing to contribute. It is difficult to change the older ones but it is troubling that even the younger ones are confused and pained as well. That means not much has changed for generations. The confusion and the self-loathing are not surprising though. When the young ones only receive negative signals from their own families, government, church and society at large, it is very easy to be screwed-up. Even within the gay community, the older ones are not above corrupting and exploiting the young ones because of libido. Anyway, I am very busy with the training, part-time job and the bf that I don’t have much time for anything else. Ace, use my gmail. I assume you’re in Canuckland. I’d like to hear from you or maybe some rock-climbing. Mieux de la chance.
July 16th, 2007 at 1:43 am
mali yata ito. dapat ang matanda ay hindi pumatol sa confused nga bata. dapat tinulongan, hindi pinaglibogan. parang kalibogan nalang lahat ang bakla. bakit ganun?
July 16th, 2007 at 5:40 am
Hi Migs,
I like the irony. He’s on denial and yet he went south on you? Gosh that is so kinky. Hope you enjoyed his surrender. Migs came and conquered!!!