To Be or Not To Be (Gay)
To be or not to be gay — that is Josh’s question. What do you guys think? Should this “gay virgin” give in? Or should he continue along with his straight life? Would you recommend he take at least a bite of the “forbidden fruit”?
Hi Migs,
I love reading the articles and posts on your site. I can’t remember how I learned about it, but it’s nice seeing a site that presents a fine division of pure fun, a little bit of naughtiness and insightful messages for men who also love men.
Yes, I am writing because I can see myself among some of those who share their dilemmas and problems regarding their sexuality. Through your site, I find myself having an imaginary friend, someone who can actually understand what I am going through or the confusions that’s going on in my mind. Someone that can relate with me.
Yes, I am a closet gay. I am sexually attracted to the same sex but am consciously not doing anything about it. I do get attracted to the opposite sex but I know that it’s not as strong as to how I feel about men. I made peace about it a few years ago, after several years of emotional struggle, trying to make myself believe that I can be straight and have a normal life with a woman and raise a family of my own. I do still think about it from time to time, but am now fully aware of what I truly am.
Accepting that I am gay does not mean that I do sleep around with other men. No, I haven’t slept nor had any sexual relationship with any man. I don’t mean to pull my own chair, but yes, I am decent looking, and had a fair share of intentional implied harassments from men and women. I am pretty much straight in manners, the way I speak, grooming and clothing. I don’t go to any place that gay men go (gaybars, events) , and am pretty clean in my way of living. I live a too clean and boring life, as a matter of fact.
What I want to ask is how do I go about this? I can’t bear to let my family know that I am not straight. I am scared on what others in my workplace would feel if anyone of them finds out. Not even my closest friends know about this. It’s a feeling that I am keeping inside myself.
I want to experience having a relationship with other men. Even casual ones. What it’s like sleeping with the same sex. It’s like a forbidden fruit that you know will hurt you but you still want it anyway. I have been clean living all my life, but I know I am not getting any younger, and I don’t want to look back and be regretful that I have never done something that I should have done in the past. I know I am currently doing the safest thing, by being quiet and clean, but is it the smartest thing to do? Would you advise for me to take the plunge, and personally taste how it’s like?
Thanks a lot, and I hope that one day, I can share my thoughts and views to a real friend, just as like as how I am relaying this to you. 
- Josh
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August 17th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Hi Josh,
my question is, did you already have a relationship with the opposite sex? I guess what you don’t know will not hurt you. If you think living a clean life will avoid all problems with your family and friends then make the necessary sacrifice.
However, if you think that experiencing a relatonship with another man will be a challenge to you, do you think that after that you will gain satisfaction to yourself physically or as a whole.
Everything boils down to a matter of choice and the risks that you have to take with that choice.
If deep down in your heart, it tells you to do the sacrifice then go ahead with your clean life now and settle for a woman, but instead, if it tells otherwise, take the challenge and then make the decision.
Good luck.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Hi Josh, I’m with the same dilemma like yours. As of now, im in late 20’s and doesnt have any experience with the same sex. I plan a lot of times and back out before even the meet-up. Im so desperate with how difficult being homo in this current times. Everybody will be hurt or some will ridicule you when you open-up. You just have to weigh all the advantages and disadvantages of opening-up. And it seems that remining in the closet is indeed the safest thing to do. I’m straight-acting but I think some questions my gender esp that I still dont have a gf. The thing is I dont want to fool myself and the girl just to have an accepted relationship. Im just so coward. My family is very conservative. I also have a good job and being gay is just not acceptable in my workplace. I commented on this just to tell you that we have the same predicaments and circumtances. I dont know how to advise you but when time comes that you found a decision that will make you at peace with your heart just go with it. I think and felt that being gay is not a sin same as loving is not a sin. I didn’t want to be like this, but I know in my heart that I was born like this. Damn, its not a choice or preference to be a gay. Maybe for some but in my case I know it’s not.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Josh,
We have quite the same story except that I have taken the plunge, secretly though. I would say Gay Relationships are fun and at times very very lonely especially when it is kept.
I suggest if you go into it you should have 2 things, the courage to tell everyone that you are Gay and most importantly you should have a Heart of Steel. Prepare for it to be softened then hammered. Prepare it to be given attention to then be disregarded. Prepare it to glow then be weathered through time.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Migs,
I am heart broken. Damaged i guess. I have a story to tell. A story i havent heard of or read of. I think you and the others will find it very interesting. I even find it as such and i cant believe it is my story. I tried writing it down. I ran 2 pages already and it is just how everything started. I was wondering if you are interested to read it… then Tell me what you think…? Im not sure but maybe it could help me and my broken heart….
August 17th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Kmusta, Josh? Interestingly, the word “clean” comes up about 3x in your letter and the implication seemingly is that gay sex is “dirty.” It’s a pretty common way of thinking esp. in an overwhelmingly Catholic country. We all know how the grand, glorious church demonizes homosexuality (which personally makes it astonishing for me how many gay bois and girls still belong to this group–but that’s another post). Reaaaaally think about it: Do you feel demonic because you’re gay? Do you feel sinful for the same reason? In other words, may basis ba ang pinagsasabi ng mga Katoliko o walang kalogic-logic? I don’t wanna start a firestorm pero let’s remember that the bible’s authenticity is in question even among bible scholars.
What you have is pretty common, if that makes you feel better (misery loves company daw, eh). It’s simply a matter of homophobia and since you ARE gay, internalized. It’s the personal challenge of everyone in gaydom to overcome this. Kung tatanga-tanga (I don’t mean this offensively, ‘naive’ lang kumbaga) ka, you’ll swallow whatever BS society slams down your throat, pun very much intended. However, once you pause and think things over, you realize you have the power to choose what to believe in, what makes sense and what’s spoonfed mumbo-jumbo. Personally … I mean, really, if there’s a higher being up there, does s/he really care that I like sucking cock or having anal sex? How do these sex acts by themselves hurt anyone?
Anyway, my post is too long already. I feel so strongly about this ‘coz I’m in the same boat–or was. I’m 32 and I’ve only had 1 relationship and my sexual partners I can count with both fingers. I’m not bad-looking either, and have even been described as cute, if I may say so. Point is: (1) You can be gay and still not be stereotypically promiscuous and (2) Be wary of where your beliefs come from esp. when that same source constantly puts you in a bad light for no good reason, really. In terms of coming out, look at your situation very carefully. BE PRACTICAL as well. Pag-nag-out ka will you be financially independent? Will you still have friends you think? Will you still have a job? The coming out process is not just about liberation but practicality as well and it’s different for everyone.
P.S. To the moderator of this blog: GREAT JOB! It’s nice to have a gay connection sa Pinas despite having been in NJ/NYC for 13 yrs. na. And I truly LOVE the fact that your taste in men is SO PINOY. You’re open to the traditionally venerated (unjustifiably a lotta times in Phil. society) mestizos but you give bonus points to chinitos and esp. morenos who are very prototypically Pinoy-looking! Go nationalism! And the nice thing about it is that it’s not even that politicized, you just simply LOVE morenos and chinitos. Anyway, sige, great job uli!
August 17th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I think we give too much needless emphasis on the difference between a hetero and homosexual relationship when there is so much similarity. What we should realize though is that most of the time, be you straight or gay, we are looking for the same basic things (ie. a meaningful relationship, passionate sex etc.)
Josh, you have already made up your mind and you already know that answer to your question because as you said, “I made peace about it a few years ago”. What you need more really these days is to find people who will be supportive of your decision.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
josh,
life is short. if you think you’re ready with the responsibilities and consequences that go with it…go take the plunge. satisfy your curiosities, man!
tip i can give you is to try and find / look for discreet and/or straight acting guys you can have fun with (both clean and not). hehe. if this is what you dig though. else, just make sure to keep it at a low though as you take your pick in this rainbow-colored world (i.e. variety).
point is, you can still mess around with guys. and you don’t have to let the world know you’re doing so. i guess i am just like you (closeted, discreet, straight acting, etc). difference is I have allowed myself to enjoy every juicedrop of the forbidden fruit. no regrets so far. hehe.
wish you luck, man! at the end of the day, it’s your choice to make. lemme know should you need anything. Cheers!
August 17th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
H.I.M. ka pala hiding inside myself.
josh,
go girl, have a happy period!
August 17th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Josh I hope you get to read this as I’ve had the same experience as yours. I was even a member of the worship team of VCF, I was in the same situation as you, I was the only one who knew about my real sexuality, until I learned how to chat on Mirc in a gay channel. I was very nervous on my first EB, the first sex was incredible and the first time I watched an m2m porn was indescribable. The rest was history, My group of friends changed, casual encounters was not new to me and I started buying a LOT of gay porn. I had a lot of unprotected sex. If I count the people Ive slept with, it may be about 70-80. Now I dont know what my purpose in my life is. I feel so lost. I’m 27 years old and still live with my parents. I have a good job and earn well , have a car, money but I feel empty. I dont believe in m-m relationship because it only leads to infidelity sooner or later. If only I can turn back time, I would’nt have started chatting on the internet or doing EB. I lost myself along the way. Now I even have fears of getting HIV. I was careless. I know some poeple here would say im a hipocite or I cant deny my true identity. How come Im not happy and I feel so lost. So my advice to you is dont go down this road.
Mark
August 17th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
kadaldalan talaga is the hallmark of a gay man, noh? napaka-verbose ng mga responses. LOL
josh dearie. tatamaan ka lang ng mental illness if you keep internalizing your confusion. baka mag-manifest yan as a tumor on your face hala ka! minus 1,000 ganda points ka tuloy! tandaan, di nag-fe-feature ang discovery channel ng mga isdang lumilapad o mga pusang tumatahol.
live and let live. start by forgiving yourself for not coming up to your internalized notion of “perfectness”. tapos, matuto kang mahalin ang sarili mo.
layp is syort! such a waste if you spend most of it sulking!
shet, naki-essay na din akoh.
August 17th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Josh,
I do not know how much of a help I will be on this matter but the reason I’m leaving a comment here (after months of silently lurking around) is to let you know that you are not alone. I, myself, am going through a similar predicament. The only difference is that I was kinda slightly pressured(?) to come out of the proverbial closet about a year or so ago. So far, a few select people know but I have not done anything physical with another guy, which is my choice naman. I guess my point is that different people react differently to certain situations. In the end, sa iyo nakasalalay ang iyong kinabukasan. It’s your life so yung choices mo ang masusunod. Kung saan ka maligaya, basta’t wala kang naapakan, go for it. Kung kailangan mong mag-vent ng iyong mga saloobin, nandito lang ako. You may e-mail me at “[email protected]” (sorry it it sounds lame).
Lastly, kung puwede lang manawagan…
to NJPINOYSKI: I don’t know how receptive you’ll be to my request but if you have the time, please e-mail me at the aforementioned e-mail above. I am also looking for someone to talk to regarding my situation. I am not looking for something sexual but for someone who might be able to relate to what I’m going through. I live in NJ too…
Salamat po!
August 17th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
josh…
being gay is no joke
go what your heart desires
love life and life will loves you back…
August 17th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
hi.
1.everyone’s purpose is to experience.
2.soul has no gender, and to connect with either gender is soul’s salvera of freedom.
3.you can commit mistakes, if it will turn out to be a dilettante’s ignominous failure, at least you can prove your hypothesis, or unprove that your hypothesis is wrong.
4.you live, and when you die, you will be held accountable if you have lived happily. A happy person, is a self realized person, because he knows himself. if you are confused, try yourself. do you.
5.you are nature. and your tendencies are nature. and nature is neither good nor bad. if you cant make people understand it, then be happy that at least you know that you understand that which approximate to one universal truth- that we are nature, and what’s inside us can never be innately wrong.
6.masarap ang sex. masarap yung feeling na connected ka dun sa isang tao, sa isang paraaang masining. yung bumubukas ang pores ng katawan mo, dinadama yung pagbuga ng init mula sa pores nung kasama mo. yung ritmong nalilikha, yung mabilis na pagdaloy ng dugo, yung rurok na pinagsasaluhan, yung kurtinang hinahangin, yung langitngit ng kama, yung kumot na unti unting bumabagsak mula sa kama, at ang higit sa lahat, yung pag-iisa nyo ng kasama mo sa pamamagitan lamang ng galaw, ng hawak, at ungol (na tila nilikha kayo para magsex talaga sa mundong ito, kahit minsan).
August 17th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
joshi,
kung matitiis mo na hindi makipagrelasyon or makipagsex sa kapwa lalaki,i would advise wag na lang.kaya lang minsan dumadating yan kahit hindi mo hanapin.mahirap kasi pag naranasan mo na, hahanap hanapin mo na.kaya lang khit hindi ka pa nakakatikim ng lalaki, kahit makipagsex ka sa babae, parang may kulang at dun mo lang malalaman kung anong kulang na yun pag nakipag gay sex ka na.masarap, hindi mo maipapaliwanag.i should know kasi sa girl ang unang experience ko..marami sa atin ang closeted.minsan mahirap pero masasanay ka din.ang advise ko sa yo,wag kang maiinlove ng todo sa straight guy kasi masasaktan ka ng sobra..tandaan mo lang na hindi natin pinili maging gay. if i will be given a choice bakit ko pipiliin ang maging ganito.kung nasa situation ka na kelangan mong may pagsabihan, sa closest member of the family mo sabihin kasi sila o siya unang makakaintindi sa yo.
August 17th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
I admire Mark’s honest opinion… at 27, (and more than 10 years or so of being gay), i have tried same stuff like chat, SEBs, unprotected sex with multiple partners, and i’m now in my first ever m2m relationship that’s runnning 4 years now (long distance relationship at that)…
Yes, i have no regrets that i took the plunge but neither do i feel genuinely happy with that decision. I enjoyed exercising “freedom” during my wild younger days… Though the attainment of sexual pleasure was never without fear of getting caught and of getting HIV.
I can say i’m happy and contented in blindly trusting my partner who is in the philippines while i’m abroad. Assuming that he remains loyal to me as i am to him, still i know our relationship could not be perfected without eventually admitting this fact to our family and friends. So again, i am not yet genuinely and completely happy with my “plunging” decision.
Josh, i have been “selectively” out to my close friends… though i think my family, others friends, and the people around me may have valid suspicions on my real sexuality. But i suppose my life would have been more peaceful (though probably boring) if i had not taken the plunge. just remember that… once you take the plunge, there’s no turning back…
August 17th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
josh,
be authentic.
act according to what you think and feel.
authenticity is the key to happiness, and to your own liberation.
but do it slowly, as discreetly as possible at first, and the right time comes, come out into the open..
and have as many gay comes as possible! lol!
August 17th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
correction to my reply: 2nd to the last line should read:….and when the right time comes,….
August 17th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
Just follow what your hearts desire…. and be happy!
August 17th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
Correction:
Just follow what your heart desires … and be happy!!!
August 17th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Hey Josh,
We share the same sentiments, heheh dont worry we’re everywhere, but then again it depends on YOUR CHOICE alone.
Yes, its complicated but it is US who makes it complicated.
A short intro, i came from a Chinese family which i can equate into being conservative, thus i myself wouldn’t want my family and friends to share the same burden that I am encountering right now. Yes, for me its a burden, if i may quote from the previous replies, if only we have the choice to be straight who wouldnt want to take that road. It’s a burden because we live in a place where being homosexual or bisexual is not accepted, for them its more like a sin.
Yes, I took the plunge and been with few men in bed. Now, im having a relationship with a girl (who came first) and with a guy (who came second). I’m juggling two relationships right now BUT my boyfriend knows that i have a gf too. It’s only a matter of being open with each other. Acceptance is the key to any relatinship i guess, because we both know that it will be too complicated for me to be out in the open. I’m 23 , soon ill be off to marry, but we’ve conditioned our minds if that time comes.
Josh you can still be who you are, but bear in mind, theres no such thing as you cannot have a good sex with a girl. Having that intimacy with another person is something because you love each other. Learn to love, learn to appreciate what your partner can offer, then you will realize that SEX AND LOVE is genderless. Your preferences does not matter, be with someone who will love you in return.
My advice, take the plunge, at least you would know what to do after, than to sacrifice without having “that” experience to say you regret. At least from there you would know what to do … hehe …
August 17th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
to be. live it, love it.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Hi njpinoyski! I think we are in the same boat as josh’s. Being alone and in the closet can be lonely. It’s hard when you don’t have somebody to share your ideas with. I thought things would be different living in NY, having the freedom to really express oneself without inhibitions. But its not, I am the same person that i was when i was in manila, nothing changed. Siguro, i am just comfortable the way i am. Siguro ganun na talaga yun. So, i think, wherever we are comfortable and we think we will be happy about it, then that’s the way our life should be.
August 18th, 2007 at 2:13 am
Josh, I am a 26 years old closeted gay virgin. It’s a choice Ive made. It wasn’t easy at first. I’ve been through all that.. fear of being exposed, the curiousity, wondering how does it feel having sex, the feeling of being lonely and the agony of keeping it all by myself.
It’s hard dealing with all these especially when you’re alone.
Now I dont care what other people think of me. I dont have to answer their questions If I dont want to.And I dont think it matters anymore coz people will see you the way they want. If a family member or a friend will ask me, I will tell them the truth. so far wala pang nagtatanong..
I made this choice based on my beliefs.
My point is, My view about my sexuality wasn’t like this 2 years ago.What you’re feeling now will come to pass.
Dont rush yourself Josh. Time will come when you will know what to do and what to choose. You don’t owe anyone an eplanation about your sexuality.
You know who you are and accepting it fully is the first step.
August 18th, 2007 at 2:55 am
to josh and to those closeted gays (virgin or not hehehe), we could all use a support from each other. Email me if you need someone to talk to.
August 18th, 2007 at 3:37 am
to ralph, josh, & others:
it’s impossible to have 1 cure-all for very unique situations pero regarding feeling “comfortable” about being in the closet, i think sometimes we need to get out of our comfort zone esp. when it comes to self-identity. when we’re so used to something even if it’s so dysfunctional we mistakenly think that familiar & comforting means good when it’s actually unhealthy. someone touched on this earlier pero based on experience, the most important person that you should come out to–is none other than yourself. accepting yourself is quite liberating. i totally disagree with the romantic stereotype of ‘the coming out session,’ you know, sitting down with your family and telling them. i think it’s dangerous when you apply that to everyone. kanya-kanya ‘yan. in my case, my family knows for sure but we NEVER talk about it. i’ve given them hints (i.e. telling my sister that I’ve dated the co-worker of a reality show figure who’s gay) and they’ve given me hints, too (i.e. my mom frankly saying that when they get old and if i don’t get married, if we could live together).
ralph, at the risk of sounding corny, the journey of self-identity is more inward than out. so siguro kahit saang lupalop ka pa mag-move if you haven’t reconciled with being gay you’re gonna feel the same.
josh, if you’re gonna start having male sexual relations be ultra-careful about overcompensating, i.e. h’wag kang magputa to make up for lost time. ha, ha. when you’re repressed malakas ang tendency to do it but it’s simply not safe. it’s so easy, too easy maybe, to hook up, quite difficult to establish a meaningful relationship.
-russell
August 18th, 2007 at 3:52 am
Hi Josh,
Like I said before to other “confused ones” regarding their issues, think twice.
I see your dilemma like going to start smoking. I always tell my friends who likes to try smoking to not do it. Having gay relationships is like trying the first puff of nicotine. Once you get addicted, you can’t stop and if you decide to stop, it will be frustrating on your part to put a stop to it.
I was in your shoes before, until I had my own experience. It made me confused til I decided to accept what I am and go out to everyone, especially my family.
There are times where I wished I could’ve done something not to try it but it’s too late. If it weren’t for that guy who introduced me to the gay world…
I suggest you see someone who can understand you. Talk to someone who can help you understand your issue completely. In the end, its you who will decide whether you go try or not to try.
August 18th, 2007 at 5:26 am
here’s my 2 cents worth: i agreed with onicotto. sa lahat ng mga advice dyan, there’s more truth in his reply. adding to that, from the songs BEING ALIVE,
BUT ALONE IS ALONE, NOT ALIVE!!!!
think about that. i have included some of the lyrics below. (sana pwede ‘to since i didnt get any permission and this is copyrighted)
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.
Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.
Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.
August 18th, 2007 at 8:17 am
I used to be like you, the typical closet queen. never had any relationship but had some encounters until i went abroad. while here in abroad, i experience to had one relantionship with a straight guy and it lasted for more than 1 year. i would say na i was so happy during my relationship with the guy. he was my first and i was his first and because of that, there was a lot of do’s and don’ts though i had fun with him. his parents knows me as his friend and sleep to their house sometimes and he sleep to my apartment if he wanted to. never thought that the feeling of having a relantionship is that so great but nothing is forever especially to the kind of relationship we have, so we parted ways because he had a girlfriend and me left alone and waiting in vain.
my friends (mostly straight) don’t know anything about our relationship because of our “tropa tropa” treament whenever we are with our circle of friends.
So, when we broke up, they don’t have any idea why i became so devasted. so, i opened up one with one of my very close friends. i was so lucky then that he understands me.
SO right now, i’m happy to be single again but i’m not looking for another relationship. once is enough. at least i experienced it and became aware of it.
i would rather be lonely all my life than happy for a moment and die after.
if you choose to be happy, be ready to get lonely.
life has so many options, but not all can be acceptable.
so if you choose to be gay, be proud of it. though it may not be acceptable to some, but do it for yourself not for them.
August 18th, 2007 at 9:13 am
Josh, you said that you are also attracted to women. it sounds like you haven’t really given that a try either. my advice to you is to try to date and have relationships with women first and see how it feels. unfortunately, a lot of gays that i know are very unhappy or lonely because of the negative pressures that they feel from family, work and society in general. you also need to decide if you want a family of your own in the future. having a family with a woman is much simpler. having a gay relationship and a family at the same time is very difficult and complicated. maybe a straight relationship will work for you. at the very least, it will deminish some of your confusions and help you make better decisions if indeed you are gay.
August 18th, 2007 at 11:01 am
young man, life is too short and sometimes can be lonely. live a little and enjoy life. you will not know what you are missing until you have tried or tasted it. gay sex is not dirty, it is clean and fun if you know how to enjoy it.
when you accept to yourself that you are gay, it doesn’t mean that the whole world has to know about it. some people come out to their family, some people don’t. some people are out to friends or in the office , and some still not.to each his own.once you are comfortable with your own skin , then the world will be brighter for you. just my two cents worth.
August 18th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
kung talagang mahal ka ng tao sa paligid mo di ka nila huhusgahan, magiging masaya sila kung saan ka masaya, kung hindi sila masaya para sayo then hindi sila deserving para mahalin mo
August 18th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Hi Josh,
Hi everybody. Medyo mahaba na to but let me just drop my fifty cents (he-he). Josh, alam mo bakla ka. Kahit ano man ang gawin mo bakla ka parin at isipin mo ito palagi, hindi mo kasalanan na ipinanganak kang ganyan. Bata ka pa so dapat mag-enjoy, make friends, go places. Mahirap man minsan but you have to deal with it. At saka later on, mamemeet mo rin ang life time partner mo. The one that you will grow old with- Katuwang sa lahat ng bagay. The question is– Mamahalin ka parin ba ng mga mahal mo sa buhay? Of course they will. Continue being a good son to your parents and to hell with the rest.:) Will they still respect you? Of course they will– nasasayo yan.
August 18th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
i guess almost every gay guy goes to that kind of dilemma: confusion. youre saying that you are more attracted to men than women, i say go for it. as of now, only my parents dont know that i am gay.. and i have already planned the day im going to tell them. mahirap din kasi if youre living a boring life, unless contented ka na sa ganiyang situation. i am not. way back my confusion stage, ayoko din maging bading. but after some time, i realized that i cant do anything, hinahanap ko pa rin. so, what im saying, is go where your heart tells you. i just hope whatever you choose will make you a happy person for the long haul.
August 19th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Josh
You have a choice, choose the lesser evil.
August 20th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Sensya na… tagalog gagamitin ko… di kasi ako englisero at di ako marunong mag englis…
Hello Josh,
ganyan din ako noon eh… kinakakatakotan ko talaga na meron maka alam kung ano ang tunay na nararamdaman ko noon… isa akong TNT (tago ng tago). sa sandaling may topic tungkol sa mga bading parang lumilindol ang mundo ko… di ko alam kung papaano ako makikipag usap sa mga barkada kong lalaki tungol sa mga ganun na bagay (pag may makikita silang bakla na dumadaan tapos kinakantyawan nila) at minsan may mga nagdududa na bakla ako tapos tinatanong ako kung bakla ba ako… alam mo parang magugunaw na talaga ang mundo ko. di ko alam kung ano isasagot ko, kasi ayaw kong mag sinungaling at ayaw ko rin malaman nila kung ano ang tunay kong pagkatao. kaya ganun ang feeling ko na parang wala na akong patutunguhan (dead end daw sa englis).
Ganun din ako noon… di ako nakikipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki at hanggang pantasya lang ako… at hindi ako naging maligaya sa mga panahong iyo…
Pero ng nagdisisyon ako na ipa-alam dahandahan sa mga closefriend ko tungkol sa kung sino talaga ako at tinanggap naman nila ako, doon nag umpisa ang pagiging malaya ko… at naging maligaya na rin ako… open na ako sa mga kaibigan ko na ganito talaga ako… but meron pa akong isang problema… di pa ako open sa pamilya ko and ayaw kong malaman nila kasi natatakot pa ako sa magiging reaksyon nila. Takot ako dahil alam ko na hindi pa sila ganun ka open sa mga bakla… lalo na sa tatay ko at sa isang nakakatandang kapatid kong lalaki, galit sila pag may makikita silang bakla…
Yan nalang ang pinoproblema ko ngayon…
pero kung ako sa iyo Josh, pipiliin ko kung ano ang sinasabi ng aking puso, dahil doon mo makikita ang kaligayahan na hinahanap mo…
August 20th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
josh, tara. hahaha! biro lang.
August 21st, 2007 at 11:37 pm
hi josh, actually we have THE SAME STORY, im too clean to act, has a booooring life. i love men too but i can’t let it out.. i didnt have any relationships with men, but i still want to xperience it, as of now i am having a feeling for my step cousin who is so hawig with richard gutierrez tlaga, kaya i always invite him out. i dont know what to do next tlaga eh. help me din naman. i am very confused right now, i am AFRAID that he could find someone that he’ll enjoy and love forever…
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:39 pm
sigh, the desperate lives of the closet queens. last time i checked, cousins are off-limits for the simple reason of incest. good luck