Afraid of Being Old and Lonely
KT is a 29-year-old Dabawenyo MGG reader who contemplates about growing old and lonely. We shall all grow old, that’s for sure, but being happy or lonely is totally our decision. Read the following excerpt from his letter, and his interesting plan when he turns 35.
When I was younger, I was never serious about my relationships. I just know that they come and go. With this kind of lifestyle, I gathered that it is too easy to find sex yet it is so difficult to sustain a meaningful relationship. At 29, I feel (it is) even more difficult to find that “ideal” relationship. Since I’ve gained weight, it is even doubly harder for me. I realized that the attraction among gay/bisexual is too much dependent on the physical aspect. It seems everyone wants to have a trophy boyfriend and all that crap. I’ve also given up hooking with younger men because I know they’re just exploring, like what I did when I was younger.
And here’s his plan…
This is why I am giving myself a deadline at 35. If nothing happens, I will have to find a wife and raise kids like normal guys do. I think that it would be better to suppress that desire for males than to be in relationships that’s not secure. I am afraid to grow old lonely… I even cringe at the thought of being that old gay “sugar daddy” of young guys, just to get their love and affection. What do you think?
Yes dears, what do you think? Do share your thoughts with our letter sender from Davao, KT.
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September 17th, 2007 at 9:50 am
good heavens! i really have thought, ako lang ang me ganyang plano. I also have set age 35 to settle down with a girl and raise a family, but the diferrence is, i should fall in love to the girl, if at age of 35, i could not find that elusive love, i would be contented as a single and have a boytoy (for fee) but i would indulge my self on charity, on business, on travel and writing.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Getting married & having kids is not a cure for loneliness. Believe me, after all the annulment cases I’ve seen in my career, it really isn’t. Best thing to do is find your passion and have a blast with it.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:14 am
That’s a horrible compromise! How does that differ from just paying for someone to escort you regularly as a pseudo-relationship? I hardly think this is a better alternative since it involves compromising your own true identity in favor of a lie.
Finding someone to settle down with is a difficult process whether you’re gay or straight. It requires a lot of time and effort, but you can’t stop trying. It will not follow any schedules and it cannot be given a deadline really - it will happen within its fair time.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Misterhubs is right, KT. Your plan to get married to a woman at 35 simply won’t work because you are just looking at annulment that will, I assure you, end up making you feeling worse than if you just never married in the first place. Don’t be afraid of loneliness; all of us are essentially alone, even those in marriages. The important thing is to be a peace with who you are and the rest will follow. If you’re gay, accept it, and celebrate it. At 41, I’ve never been happier, since coming out of the closet. This can happen to you too.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:26 am
It’s really sad to see that KT has such a jaded outlook on gay relationships. He basically describes gay relationships as shallow and fleeting when they are not all like that. It is sweeping statements like that and how we sometimes internalize them that is the real problem. What I think you need to do, KT is to change your outlook. Should you find someone to spend your life with, it is that kind of negativity that will dampen and maybe kill your relationship (you will always be thinking “what if he goes for someone who is hotter than me?” or “what if he only playing around?” etc). What do I think about gay men getting married just to have kids? Sorry, I think it’s a choice that weak men make.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:27 am
it’s not fair to put a deadline to love! one should never be afraid of growing old alone, cause theres always family and friends that can lend support.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Getting married just to be in a “secure” relationship is a cop-out!!!!!
September 17th, 2007 at 10:58 am
In a few days i will be 36 yrs old and like everyone else i thought that getting married at this age would give me the security that i wanted for myself. Modesty aside, i could say that there are few girls who are interested to be my gf and would want to marry me someday. The problem is i am not interested, and i don’t find anybody interesting. I tried to consider the possibility of getting married to someone who loves me rather than the one i love, but thinking about it, i can’t imagine waking up everyday with a person that i don’t love. I guess, at this age, my perceived happiness is still more important to me than settling down and getting that security of marriage. I still don’t know what tomorrow brings but for now i can say that i am secured being with my partner.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:03 am
bakit ba ang OA mo, magpakatotoo ka nga sa iyong sarili! Ayaw tumandang mag-isa at lonely, pweh! sa edad mong yan 29, gurang kana, kalimutan mo ang babae at makakasakit ka lang ng isang nilalang. At lalu namang kawawa ang magiging-lahi mo. Tanggaping ikaw’y bakla, binabaeng fatso at garantisadong matagpuan ang nasa ng puso mo. Tandaan mo ito: LOVE IS NOT LUST BUT A RESPONSIBILITY!
September 17th, 2007 at 11:04 am
I’m in a relationship right now. I’m 19 my bf is 21… After we graduate next year (hopefully) we are planning to live together and syempre mag work. After that syempre yung mga needs. About kids, plan ko kung marami kami pera test tube baby nlng kaysa naman baby maker? then if ever our relationsip ends before all of this happens and plano ko eh gagawa ako ng anak ko. for security purpose na not to grow old lonely. diba? yun lang.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:13 am
KT, whatever happened to your family and friends? Do you not have any? Wala ka bang best friend?
September 17th, 2007 at 11:39 am
KT
you have yourself, and value what you have. ive just turned fifty and i try to keep fit, eat sensibly and engage in sports (tennis, swim, jog) and i look at least ten years younger than my married classmates. If children are that important, do you really need to have those from your own sperm ? But if you do decide to have children, do it for the right reasons–not to avoid loneliness or to have someone support your in your old age. and whats wrong with speading some sugar around, if you have more than what they have ? Just be sure of your own limits and what you can spend on–boytoys, ipods, etc. — Good luck
September 17th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
be afraid …. be very afraid! yun lang! hehehe
ever the makulit,
anton maton
September 17th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
im with mcvie and misterhubs on this one.
has anytone told you that friends…family…and even yourself…a lways love you and so youll never be alone?
KT, being old is something we cant help.
but happiness is a decision. its a consious decision to be happy even when the world is crumbling–or crummy.
its a decision because its a perspective. you choose the frame of mnd you have.
if you think getting married to a girl will make you happy. go ahead…but—make sure the girl and your future kids know who you really are. (for some reason—some girls could care less if their hubby is gay so long as they know)
September 17th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
Oh my, 29 years old and it is already considered old in the Philippines? That means that I will absolutely have no chance of finding happiness in the Philippines. Maybe it is time for some enterprising person to put up a gay dating service in the country (for 29 and over). On a serious note though, there seems to be a lot of very lonely gay individuals in the Philippines. Is it because most are in the closet? Perhaps it is time for the gays themselves to change on how they see each other. We all age, but does it mean that after reaching some arbitrary number we are no longer desirable and we should just give up living. Life and quality of life, whether alone or with someone is very much dependent on us and how we make the best of our time on this earth. Far be it for me, of course, to tamper with KT’s plan if he can truly find happiness that way. I think it is wonderful to have a wife and kids if it is really what you want. If you can make it happen and make it work, more power to you. But you have to make sure that the decision is solid and final. Make sure that you really love the woman and make sure that she is happy, too. I can’t judge you because I am not in your shoes so all I can do is wish you well. I can understand KT’s longing for a family. Gay or straight, we all want to find that special someone in life. I think that would be a wonderful thing. Of course our parents, siblings and friends can be a constant source of companionship and happiness. But I also know that it is a different kind of companionship and there are times that one longs for the other kind. I still contend though that finding a partner is not the only way to find happiness in life. I am alone right now but I can’t say that I am lonely. Do I want to find someone? Absolutely. But it doesn’t consume me. Well, actually right now, my work consumes all of my time. But it is okay. It is part of my plan to work hard so that I can retire fairly young. Man, my writing feels so rusty. Sorry guys. I think my brain is still full of numbers and projections.
September 17th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
ace, very well said!
September 17th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Who doesn’t find himself in a rut like KT does at some point in our lives? Mag-gym, mag-cleansing diet, mag-transcendental meditation ka vaklaaaa!! Anong ka chorvahan yan ini-esep-esep moh? Mandadamay ka pa ng gerlash sa iyong kalituhan at kabalintunaan sa iyong pagkadiwata. Maawa sa girl. Tao din siya. LOL.
September 17th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
KT Kulang sa Titi, I assume, hinahamon ko ang pagkabading mo, masaktan ka na kung masaktan pero kung ito lang tanging paraan para matauhan ka, maging totoo ka lang eh wala kang problema! Paano kung sa edad 36 ay doon ka lang pinalaso ni kupido, sabi nganila mapaglaro ang tadhana…let’s say, kepyas ang palad mo, naghalo-halo na ang balat sa tinalupan. may kinabukasan pa kaya ang mga walang malay na idinagdag mo sa mundong ibabaw? Maatim mo ba sila? Maipagmamalaki kaya nila na ang kanilang ama ay minsan ginulo ng pagdududa? Na kaya lang naatim bumuo ng pamilya ay sa sobrang kimkim ng pagnanasa sa etis beklog at nota.Dahil kamo’y yan ang gawa ng mga normal na lalake! Walang garantiya anumang relasyon ang buuin mo kung base sa kasinungalingan. Tama bako batching?
September 17th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
If you can’t accept yourself being gay, you will live and die lonely.
Be married, be in a homosexual relationship, it does not matter.
“Life is a sham, till you can say ‘hey world, I am what I am’”
September 17th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
I think its about whom you are spending your life with but with what kind of perspective do you have?
I mean, how do you see a glass with water? is it half full or is it half empty?
September 17th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
i mean “not about”
September 17th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Hey, Ace, welcome back! I missed your comments.
September 17th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
PATITIK!
September 17th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Thank you for all your thought-provoking comments. Yes, I do have family and friends who love me. But all of you know, they’re just that. One would always want to seek that partner in life. I do not see anything wrong with spreading sugar and having boy toys, but I think it’s really not for me. With regards to loving a woman, I think it can be learned. Who knows? There’s still 6 years for me to find someone who’ll deserve all the love I can give.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
everyone has a “happily ever after”, just wait. look at Boy Abunda he has a life partner, also Elton John. good luck to everyone in finding. haha.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
So much drama!
The heart of the matter is that he has become too fat to attract the guy(s) of his dreams. Why don’t he stop this zarzuela, join a gym and keep fit like everybody else?
Besides, you’d have to very very rich for a girl to overlook your faults too.
On a separate note, I agree with “alone but not lonely at 50″. If you take good care of yourself, save wisely and been a generally nice guy, you’ll be fine.
September 17th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
“alone but not lonely” - naexperience ko na to nung 23-25 ako. anyway ace, ganobela ka na naman magsulat tapos para sa yo, rusty pa rin? hehehe. thanks sa mga bula-bula na sinabi mo kasi maraming aral. anywayn you cannot judge KT kasi he’s not a book. un lang po. world peace!
September 17th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
ON GETTING OLDER…
welcome to the real world. hehehehe
ON GAINING WEIGHT…
round peg, rund hole. each shape has a market.
besides, if they’re too stuck on the ideal hunk
for a boyfriend, they’re not what you want.
which leads to…
ON THE IDEAL GUY…
good luck. he doesn’t exist. kaya nga ideal.
the ideal guy in your head is just a reference
for you to realize the things you forgive
with your partner because you love him anyway.
ON HAVING A PLAN…
plan on a life as a gay man. that’s a constant.
and plan for a worse case scenario.
plan a life that you may live being alone.
that way, anything above it (like say a lover)
is a blessing.
ON GETTING MARRIED…
tanga
September 17th, 2007 at 10:09 pm
amen, ace! 35 isn’t the apocalypse, much less 29.
being obsessed with looks and age, and being uncomfortable being with yourself by yourself is the surest way to unhappiness.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
since i am also a davaoeno but living in metro manila, i can very well understand the plight of kit. davao is not that open to ideas of peole growing old and single. getting married is still the rule of thumb in most families. i have friends who came and work here in the metropolis not only to look for greener pasture but also to escape from too much expectations, many are unrealistic.
kit, in life, its always a decision which you can live with, die for and face God with. we are all unique and have our own individualities. respect that first before you can see the whole picture of the situation you are in right now. it all boils down to knowing, accepting, understanding and loving the SELF before we can do all these to others.
Ila-ilaha usa ang imong kaugalingon bai! A decision done when you are at the peak of your emotion is oftentimes devastating. Ayaw pagdali. Take it slowly and clear your thoughts first from unrealistic expectations from yourself and from others.
Ayo-ayo bai!there is more to life than looks and even financial stability.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
KT,
ok lang kung magasawa ka at the age of 35 o kahit before.basta sabihin mo lang sa gf mo kung anong totoo.pag tinanggap ka niya kung ano ka,then go ahead.pag nagkaanak kayo at time na para malaman ng mga anak niyo,then let them know.the more that they will respect you basta wala kang itatago sa kanila.Goodluck
September 17th, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Ako after 35 at wala pa akong real love, suicide na lang.
September 18th, 2007 at 12:54 am
an absurd idea. malayo sa katotohanan. next item please.
September 18th, 2007 at 2:35 am
hmm.
I’ve never thougth of growing old. Pero your’re perception of grwoing old is abit extreme. a little too extreme.
September 18th, 2007 at 4:06 am
i don’t want the thought of growing old consume me. what if i won’t get there, what if i die young…
growing old is already a blessing. having someone is nice, having someone you truly love is better. pero kung tayo ay minalas at mag-isa lang sa pagtanda, hindi naman cguro excuse yun para tayo ay maging lonely.
September 18th, 2007 at 7:02 am
When you’re 35, or within 6 years, find a guy who shares your sentiments of not wanting to be alone. Kawawa naman ang girl na pakakasalan mo, only to find out pareho kayo ng gusto. Tapos, pag nag-away kayo, you’ll say - I NEVER SAID THAT I LOVE YOU!!! O, telenovela ang dating!!! ‘Day, Magpakatotoo ka!
September 18th, 2007 at 7:21 am
i kinda understand KT on his situation… it is hard to find a guy who’d love you for who you are…
i would also prefer KT’s option if i were asked because i also wish for security in love. i do hope to find some guy out there who wouldn’t trade me off for someone better looking or atleast someone who wouldn’t cheat on me. sometimes i think that there is a small chance of finding a guy who’d love you ’till the day he dies (or the day you die, which ever comes first)… all i’ve heard of lately are guys who’d meet other men just for sex alone… something i can never get used to… not that i am judging them, who am i to judge people in what they want in their lives? i just dont prefer to live like that.
i’m only 25 and some people say that i am too young to think about security in relationships, but still when you think about it, we will all grow old one day… maybe some of us can say that they can live just to grow old alone, but can you all guarantee that they’ll never look for love at such an old age?
one problem though… there is also a slim chance of finding a girl dumb enough to fall for a gay guy…
September 18th, 2007 at 7:48 am
duh…you’re such a girl.
September 18th, 2007 at 8:06 am
@tempest: Thank you.
@drew: Exactly.
@eponine: Hahaha. Funny.
@Raymond: I thought I recognized a familiar name. Thanks Raymond. It is good to be back even just for a little while. I have a few weeks reprieve from the wilderness
September 18th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
isn’t it going to make matters more complicated? what if one day, you realize that getting married to a girl isn’t what you really want. it isn’t seem fair to the girl and to the kids that you one day may have.
September 18th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
hahaha..its really your choice. sana you maintain yung looks mo…kasi i think kasama talaga yun..well pity you…hahahahaha
September 18th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
PACER is right dapat maging totoo ka KT kung ang gusto mo sa buhay ay magkaron ng pamilya MAGING TOTOO KA LANG MAGIGING MALIGAYA KA goodluck!
September 18th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
What a selfish bastard. You’re planning to have a family for your own security. Poor is the woman who’s going to marry you. Poor are your children for their father is a selfish faggot.
September 18th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
KT, tantanan. di pa ko 30 pero alam ko maraming market ang 30. and like they said, maggym ka na. mababa lang ang self-esteem mo kaya ka nag-iisip ng ganyan. di man yun ang sagot sa low self-esteem issues mo pero makakatulong pa rin.
atsaka! ang dami nang bading sa davao. fine. bi! or whatever they wanted to be called. point is. makakahanap ka. you’ll never know. may ma-assign pa from manila. pwede na rin yun.
and who the fuck says 29 is old! hehehe… we’re not that old.
September 18th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
@ace - I’m glad to see you back online, even if for only a few weeks. It seems that this MGG community has grown and become even more diversified, which is a great thing (all hail Migs!) I have always looked out for your comments because I always found them wise and sensible. Another one I always enjoy reading is anton maton. Having such great monickers help!
September 18th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Life is what you make it. Start living.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
Paano naman kayo makakasiguro na hiwalayan ang labas niya? Pwede naman niyang panindigan ang pagiging tatay.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:43 pm
haaay naker..
ewan ko lang, pero natatawa ako pag naalala ko ang sarili ko when i made love to a girl a long long time ago..
KT, true ba yan talaga? Sure ka na ba? Is that your final answer? pera o bayong? lol
kasi, it might be something that would turn out bad, in the end. yun lang.
and please, dont give yourself a deadline, unless trabaho yan.. lol
September 19th, 2007 at 1:13 am
yeah, if you’re really planning to be with a person you don’t love, don’t go for it… it’s not worth it… you’re only going to pretend to your partner and fool yourself (kawawa ang girl (hey, i’m partly a feminist, yet i still advocate the dominance of man over women, hehe…) at mga anak kapag nalaman niya iyong sexuality mo…) i for one is lonely at the moment (pero bata pa naman, at may itsura, so walang problema! hehe…)… seriously, don’t go there… unless mahal mo talaga ang babae at kaya mo mag-resist sa mga temptation…
September 19th, 2007 at 9:01 am
hirap ng case…..naiintindihan ko naman cya but i still believe on the positive side of things…parang gusto ko lang din mag share…….im 24 but manhid na puso ko hirap na umibig hehehe. madami na rin akong napagdaanan at manhin na cguro ako sa sakit. i have a kid from an ex but diko naman din kasama ung child. i am trying to find a partner now but puro sex lang naman ang gs2 nila…..may mga may gs2ng mag seryoso but i dont want to push myself to them na wala naman ako nararamdaman…..basta dami pa factors…di naman bad na sabihing ang mga PLU ay more on sa physical di rin natin masisis mga nagsasabi nun kc madalas naman talaga ganyan eh….Migs email me hehehe
September 19th, 2007 at 11:14 am
or find a best friend (guy or gal) who’s willing to put you up in your old age. my gay american bestfriend who also happens to be the ninong of our only child is also terrified of getting old alone. he hasn’t had a boyfriend in a long time. so i told him he can retire with me… in manila!
September 19th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
KT…what if mr right finds you after you got married?…will you leave your wife then?….if you plan to marry a woman ( pursue a psudo-straight life), promise yourself to live a staright life ( can you do that?) and i agree that you should let her know about your true identity…
September 19th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Don’t be afraid to get old, it is a natural physiological process occuring in all living organisms. Why be lonely when there are thousand and one ways to be happy. You always have a choice…
September 20th, 2007 at 3:13 am
We all move in GOD’s circumstances. Pray for guidance, and he will take care of you. We are always bound for the best if we pray.
September 21st, 2007 at 4:56 pm
I am 40.
I am happy.
I am gay.
September 21st, 2007 at 11:31 pm
I had my share of the dating scenes.
How could one believe in the possibilities if he cannot acknowledge true love to his own self?
It’s hard for a 24 year-old guy like me to look at gay-relationships on its brighter side when I look at all men to be polygamous?
Because of this, I was unable to commit myself into a relationship. I always thought guys would cheat on me, but the truth is, I was the one leaving them hanging. Of course, there’s no third party involved. I just can’t.
Maybe I should try to learn how to love myself (in a deeper level, and of course I love myself), before I could start to love others.
Being gay and old and alone is so pathetic. Get a life!
September 21st, 2007 at 11:39 pm
my apolgies. wala sana magagalit.
talagang negative ang pananaw ko ngayon sa ganyan. I was just refering those stuff to myself. just want to share my view on getting old and gay.
My point is (and I am still trying to digest), maybe we should try to realize the limitations of being gay, compared to those who were in real heterosexual relationships, say, having your own “biological-slash-natural” kids.
Maybe if we know what “not to expect”, maybe it won’t hurt in the end.
On the other hand, we should learn to see things in a different light. There should always be endless possibilities and opportunities for us to grasp. Learn to realize your life’s meaning of existence.
Like I have said, it will always matter whether you love yourself or you don’t.
But in the end, it would have been always better if you could find your significant other “who will love the ‘you’ you loved” -quote from Carrie Bradshaw *wink* *wink*
September 22nd, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Peterpic LOL love how you capped your messsage!
KT,
First, you have to stop being jaded.
Second, have a list of the things you want your partner to be.
Third, don’t jump on the first opportunity of having a relationship.
Fourth, find someone who is willing to work on HIMSELF and the RELATIONSHIP. Without having to say it, you too must be willing to work on YOURSELF and the RELATIONSHIP.
Fifth, understand and accept that relationships are worked on. There is no such thing as a match made in heaven.
Sixth, the fear of being alone is the reason why you are alone now. People who have this fear usually are quite demanding and leeching and who wants be to be with a leech?
Seventh, don’t worry you’ll snap out of this want-to-marry-a-girl bit. Being with someone won’t necessarily mean that you wont be lonely anymore. Imagine this, gay lonely man married with kids. Obviously, not the way to go
September 23rd, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Hi KT! I’ve read all the side comments based from what you have written and it seems to me that it wouldn’t be fair to yourself and to your prospective wife when your option is to get married when you reach the age of 35 with no bf. Have you not thought that you were just deceiving yourself and would have reached to that decision? God created you to be a gay man and nothing would ever changed even though you get married to a woman. You will make yourself more miserable and pathetic. How many nights will you ever think of a guy while making love to your wife? A word of unsolicited advice, drop that plan. For now, just be yourself and enjoy life. Your right man will come along your way unexpectedly. Always find happiness amidst adversity. This may sound difficult to believe but be optimistic… There are still some gays who don’t look on the outer appearance but more on the inside of a person. And if you will hold on to that truth then you’ll find one. Good luck!
September 27th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
KT if all else fail, join AYASIV anonymous!