Fretting Over Fratman
Ryan has emailed me a couple of times, and this time, I’m publishing his letter. He is a young college dude fretting over the unusual behavior of his fratman friend. He is obviously attracted to his supposedly straight friend but is worried that he might lose him as a friend if he even dared ask. He asks: is he into me? how would i know? what should I do?
Hi there Migs,
I’m a frequent reader of your blog and I have noticed that you’re open to help other people if they need some advice regarding things on sexuality, relationships, etc. Then because of this I realized that I should ask you regarding this matter because even I am confused on how I interpret my situation.
Here’s the story…
I have a boyfriend, and we will be soon celebrating our 2nd anniversary (I hope…). But this letter is not about him.
Here’s the twist. I have a friend that belongs to a fraternity. Right now I am really confused on what is happening. I think he is giving me some signs. Let’s call him Jay.
I told Jay about myself being able to have relationships with both sexes, and it doesn’t bother him. When we were just starting to be friends we used to text every night ’till 12midnight or sometimes past midnight, text messages from him that has the word “gudnight” would be followed by words like “muah, switdrimz, don’t let the bed bugs bite”. Jay would invite me for a drink to his place then tells me not to go home and that i could sleep with him. Sometimes he would come over at my place for a couple of rounds of beer and sometimes when were a little bit drunk or do you call that tipsy? He would lay his head on my shoulder and acts like a cat (Is that purring? When a cat rubs its body to its master. I don’t know the term sorry). When we’re on my room and his in the computer and I’m on the bed txting or playing on my phone, he would just lay his head on my belly while waiting for the search results on the computer. When we watch a movie on the pc both of us lay down on the bed but then he would just shift his head to my chest. He even said once that he could hear my heartbeat.
This one happened only the last time we watch a movie in my room. We were a little bit drunk when he said he
wants to watch a porn movie. So i played one. Then just as i mentioned above he shifted his head on my chest. I was a little turned on not because of him but because of what we were watching and suddenly just to
shift the attention I said I would take a piture of him. He was game for a few shots and after that we
browsed the pics in my cp while he was still lying in my chest because some of the shots were a goof we
laughed but then his legs were accidentally rubbed on my crotch and because i was a little aroused I know he
felt my semi-hardon (Because he shifted his legs after it has touched my crotch). That incident with the
laughter and accidental rubbing happend twice. Nothing followed after that cause I fell asleep.
Now for his background? He is a member of a frat group in our school. Known as a chickboy since highschool. I don’t know if he’s sexually active, but i do know he always have girlfriendS.
I’m telling you these because I am now really confused of what is happening. Usually I know when guys are into me, but those guys are not my friends and this one is my friend thats why its so hard for me to tell… Could it be possible that he is into me? Even though he never had a same sex relationship? He knows that I’m Bi, but i knew him as a straight guy. His behavior, what does it mean? Sometimes I would feel an urge to ask him whats up with his way of behaving when we’re together but I’m too scared to ask him knowing that it might cost our friendship. What should I do? How could I know? Pls Help me..
Sincerely,
Ryan
Ryan, at first I wanted to refer you to my friend CC as your problem is definitely within his expertise (a.k.a. Philandering 101, 102, and the Masteral Course too). Hehehe! Peace, CC! But then you asked for my advice. Warning, conservative po ako pagdating sa relationships. So here goes. First, you have a boyfriend — what are you doing with a fratman inside your room, watching porn? Second, if I take the bf out of the picture, I’d say don’t fret too much on whether fratman is giving signs or not. I’m pretty sure he is open. But because you want his friendship while also wanting his wang, I’d say go with the flow. I leave it up to you if you want to be more aggressive but do recognize that fratman has an image to protect. If it’s just his wang you are dreaming of (and not a relationship with him) then I would say it is not impossible, but always with some amount of risk. I’ll let my readers continue with the advices. Basta I want you to be a good boy. If you want to play around, magpaka-single ka kaya muna? World peace and lumpia grease! ~Migs
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October 29th, 2007 at 9:51 am
Wait for him to make the first move.
October 29th, 2007 at 10:05 am
This is a really interesting story…
Sometimes guys “play around”. Since you like those tipsy things, he figured to play them with you…So far i must say it’s still a guy thang.
My Advice: Wait for more signs. I’m not saying you’re paranoid, but if you confess, he might retract and you might lose your friendship (and have an instant enemy fraternity).
Make sure that he really meant what he does first…
October 29th, 2007 at 10:27 am
yup! i agree with charles. guys really do kinky stuff esp. kung walang ibang makakakita, di ba nga sabi mo, kau lang dalawa sa story mo, kaya ayun. pabayaan mo lang sya doin those, nageejoy naman ata sya, and lalo ka na (i’m sure), dont ruin it!!
October 29th, 2007 at 11:08 am
o well congratz! ganda m neng… pero settle things and know ur priorities…
it doesnt hurt to ask..
October 29th, 2007 at 11:32 am
If the actual question here if he’s into you, I suggest waiting it out. If you want to speed up the waiting process, joke about it with him once or twice. But only do this if he’s a good sport.
Something similar happened to me. I made advances that he accepted, but after a few months, he’s back to his straight old self, and I’m left empty handed. Maybe he’s really just curious and he’s hoping a friend can help him out.
The difference between your story and mine is that you’re already in a relationship. Unless it’s an open relationship, I agree with Migs, be a good boy.
Either way, don’t invest your feelings with this guy unless you’re single and he’s out of the closet for sure.
October 29th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Ganito, try to invite him for drink and when he is tipsy and being loving again; kiss his forehead, then slowly , kiss his shoulders, again and again, till you get a reaction from him.
It would be best to find out now than to wonder the rest of your life…
Goodluck
>:D
October 29th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Don’t force the issue. Just go with the flow as it takes its own course.
October 29th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I think you really need to sort out your relationship first with your boyfriend before you entertain any kind of sexual relationship with Jay. Are you willing to lose your boyfriend over something that you have no idea what the outcome would be? Does Jay know that you have a boyfriend? If not, then I think it is the right time to tell Jay. It is never a good idea to cheat on anyone, especially on someone you love. We sometimes fall out of love and the best thing that we can do is be honest about it. But cheating is a very painful betrayal of trust. It doesn’t take much imagination to know how you would feel if you were on the receiving end. Since you are confused and are having a difficult time with your friendship with Jay, it is time to clarify things. If he is a true friend he will appreciate your effort to clarify your relationship. Maybe all he wants from you is friendship. Although, I have to admit that his actions are a bit puzzling, especially because he knows your sexuality which is all the more reason to clarify things with Jay. The one thing that you should keep in mind is that even if he is gay he will most likely remain in the closet because of his fraternity. I don’t know if that is something that you can live with. As I mentioned earlier, if you are true friends you should be able to talk about the nature of your friendship. True friendship shouldn’t be a puzzle. It should be based on respect, trust and honesty, and you should be able to define your boundaries so that you can enjoy your time together without having to guess as to how you would act.
October 29th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
placing his head on your chest or something could either mean his just being malambing (i have straight friends who does that when they make lambing with me)or it could be that he is trying to test the water, so to speak. and guys, straight guys for that matter, feel less conscious or loose their inhibitions when they are intoxicated. maybe he’s interested. maybe he’s not. either way don’t make the first move. let him. and if he does make that move, you could reciprocate or you could stop him. just make sure you are ready for the consequences.
October 29th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
The guy is most likely into you. If not, what gives with his head constantly on your shoulders, chest and tummy? A guy thing during unguarded moments? Yeah, right! The difference between us is discreet has always been my middle name, but I’m also very much into hanging out with my straight friends. But I’ve never encountered any behavior of this sort from them during drinking sprees, sleepovers and all.
I suggest you just go ahead and, in all brotherly love, confront your friend about his behavior just to put the issue to rest. That shouldn’t get in the way of your friendship if you are really close in the first place.
As to whether you should reciprocate his sexual advances (if ever you get to confirm your suspicions), bear in mind that you are currently in a relationship. At the end of the day, I believe your friend will respect you more if you show him that you put a premium on loyalty and fidelity in whatever relationship.
At any rate, good luck!
October 29th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Your story resounds a little like mine when I was growing up and trying to learn why people do what they do.
When I was in High School, I was in a similar situation as you. Under the guise of being drunk, in the privacy of my room, I dared a “straight” friend to kiss me. We did. Where is he now? He is married. Sometimes I think I still bear the scars from that relationship.
Take what you will from the story.
http://lobster-tony.livejournal.com/2005/08/17/
October 29th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
you might want to try asking him to his face(jokingly or seriously, doesn’t matter): “Are you hitting on me?” sometimes, a straightforward question does the trick and elicits the answer you have been spending sleepless nights wondering about. if he answers “yes,” then there you have it–time to decide if you want to play the field OR be faithful to your lover (which i think is the proper thing).
if he says “no, whatever gave you the idea,” then simply say you’ve been getting very confusing signals from him, that these signals disconcert you, and that maybe he should stop sending them BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE A LOVER. simple as that.
October 29th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
I was into it before with a friend but it did not last longer. I suggest don’t hurry on such things. Take time and let the nature do it ways.
The first thing you should bear in mind that you’re into relationship. But if you think you want to be with your fratman, i suggest you settle first with your bf. Remember, a risk is at stake if you do that. If you want to maintain your bf, you have to forget about the “malambing” Jay. But doing so, you may open up your feeling with him, who knows he will allow you to do your fantasies.
Good luck!
October 29th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
I guess tama si Migs. Magpaka single muna si Ryan…
October 29th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! what a radical concept. Since when being gay is equated to conservative views? I’d say to hell with the boyfriend. There’s no such thing as being pure and sacred.
As St. Augustin would say: “In earthly things, nothing is dear to man if he does not have a man as a friend”.
for further readings: www.ewtn.com.
October 29th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
have sex with him. after that, mas makakapag-isip ka ng maayos. it’s difficult to be weakly emotional because you crave him. so, address the craving issue, and let tomorrow worry for your emotions.
October 29th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Hindi ko kinaya ang “World peace and lumpia grease” Bwahaha!
Wait you have a BF? So is this a preparation for a 3rd party?
October 29th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
if you make the first move, you may lose a friend. if your boyfriend finds out and you have strict rules on fidelity, you’ll lose a boyfriend. tama si mgg. stay a good boy
October 29th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Go girl!!! hehehe
October 30th, 2007 at 12:37 am
-But because you want his friendship while also wanting his wang, I’d say go with the flow- umm.. just to clear this phrase, I’m not craving or wanting to have sex with him po. Maybe you just got some of the phrases mixed up. Anyway, I was hoping I’ll receive a mail on yahoo but I was surprised that you posted it here. No harm done. I appreciate your suggestions and comments po.
-what are you doing with a fratman inside your room, watching porn?- He was the one who insisted on watching a porn.
Jay knows that I have a BF, He’s an alcholic type of guy so I’m pretty sure He’s aware of what’s happening and right night my current realtionship with my BF is nearly on the edge (some conflicts that doesn’t involve Jay).
Maybe I should just wait for him to do the 1st move… Kahit ang tagal ng ngyayari nun even before I had a relationship with my BF…
Add ko lang din sa pag ttxt minsan inaabot kami ng 5am sa pag ttxt.. Nagstart kami ng 10pm or 11pm..
Tnx po for the advice… I will leave everything to him nalang…
Tnx migs sa pag edit narin ng mail medyo naduduling ako sa pag type kasi..
Last—I’m 19 my Bf is 21, Jay is 22… haha… Besides I’m top. ^^,
lol
October 30th, 2007 at 1:45 am
What a nice storyboard for a movie, Ryan,wink wink, especially that u mention ur top, most would salivate and drool by just keeping hands over you !
October 30th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Hi..i was a straight guy before and used to have GFs..one incident that changed my lifetsyle and preference was when my Bi bestfriend handed me a blowjob!(didnt know that he is Bi)but he was doing the same thing like what “Jay” was doing to you…The point is no “Straight Guy” will do those “Lambing”( if thats how you call it, unless he shifted his lifetsyle or prefence). Ikaw may alam nyan, alam mo sa sarili mo why he was doing those things to you, isa pa, alam nya na Bi ka, dont you think na naisip na nya before na if he’ll do those things to you e bka lagyan mo ng malisya?? Exactly…gngwa nya right now yung mga bagay na yun kasi gusto nya lagayn mo ito ng kulay…its up to you, if youre brave enough, you better ask him pra malinawan ka…no guts, no glory mate!ciao
October 30th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
asa ka pa!
October 31st, 2007 at 2:42 pm
i have the same situation like that. He knew na parang i like him from some girl e parang may pinoportray rin syang image or something. We were best buds along with other guys. pero nung moment na nalaman nya un nag break sila nung 1 month gf nya. I txted him kung bakit, sabi nya gawa ko daw. Nung moment na yun kala ko hindi pa nya alam. Pero I was wrong. Nung nagkita kami kasama nya ung barkada then parang naging aloof sya sakin. so i retracted to them. We were not hangin out anymore since then. My biggest mistake is that i never told him and that i didnt make a move kasi he used to sleep with me in my bed together.hehe I was also wondering if he is a bi/gay also which I didnt conclude since i retracted nga. so syang talaga!
If I were you try make a move than regret it for the rest of yer life risk yer friendship anyway alam naman nya na may relationship ka same sex at the beginning right? youll not gain anything if you dont gamble yer anything.
And do you ever wonder what the name of his frat mean? Kasi when i read yer mail unang kong naisip di kaya CHICKBOY ung name nung frat kasi mahilig sila sa CHICK at sa BOY? or maybe pinagpupustahan ka nila… its like bakit makiki hang-out sya sayo kung may frat naman sya? or is it just intentional? Well that is my side I dont think its completely right? peace!
November 1st, 2007 at 2:20 am
Unless masochist ka at gustung-gusto mo na nababagabag ang isip mo on this matter, follow Vince’s advice. Ask him if he’s hitting on you, and then decide your next move. Definitely, no one will judge you here, you are not a book.
November 1st, 2007 at 5:36 am
You already have a bf so I’d say, keep them both. Be a better friend and be a good lover to your bf.
Easier said than done, but that’s the challenge.
Good luck.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:34 pm
the fratman knows you are going out with another man…and he still hangs out with you, with his head on your chest and stuff like that!??!? sorry for being stereotypical but i’ve had so many close friends who are straight and they would never do those stuff to me. i myself would be absolutely surprised if one of my close friends would put his head on my chest…and besides, kung lambing yan, why would he do that alone with you, sabay nood ng porn?
November 1st, 2007 at 3:22 pm
wow. parang ako yan. the difference hindi fratman pero also a friend. i did save the friendship kaya kahit na mahal na mahal ko sya hindi ko inamin feelings ko. di ko alam kung katangahan pero natakot kasi ako na if i told him my feelings e mgagalit sya and everythings over so naging kuntento na lang ako sa kung anu merun kami nun. i didt risk 4 d sake oflove. hangang sa nag abroad na sya. then nalaman ko may feelings din pala sya sa akin. hes just also afraid of telling me. haaay. risk if its worth it. thats all i can say.
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:28 pm
Ryan, I’ve been to that situation before. I should say, it was really difficuly considering that he is your friend. But, you know what in my case, I ended up choosing the friendship. Cause, I dont wanna loose a friend. In that way, we could be together always. Up to now, we are still friends but never did he knew about that.
November 3rd, 2007 at 11:05 pm
assume nothing…
expect little…
if it doesnt bear fruit, dont fret…
just enjoy the moment…
November 6th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
so unfair to the boyfriend…yun lang