In the last two months, I have looked at a couple of gay porn Web sites. The pictures I have looked at have aroused me at times, even while filling me with a sense of repulsion and disgust. It’s almost as if the taboo of looking at these sort of images, and the anxiety that I feel when doing so, creates a strong arousal. I find that I have powerful orgasms which, of course, make me feel ashamed afterwards for hours, or even days. My girlfriend is profoundly understanding and loving in all of this and is not nearly as disturbed about this as I am. Nevertheless, it bothers me that I find gay pornography arousing at times and even seek it out. My sexuality has long been a source of fear, shame, and insecurity in my life. Just the fact that I can acknowledge having a homoerotic streak is a huge step for me. I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts on how I can come to accept the various facets of my sexuality and not be ashamed or afraid of it.
Your story is much more common than you think. Your feelings of disgust over gay porn is a result not only of your own admitted homophobia from your youth, but also society’s. Since you’re just now coming to terms with it, and thinking about it and questioning it, my guess is it’ll slowly become less an issue for you as you chill out a bit. Just don’t be so hard on yourself. Try to go with the flow a bit more and not fight every urge you feel. It would also almost certainly help you to talk with a counselor experienced in helping people who feel sexually confused, as well as people who have made peace with their own sexuality. You’re not alone with your feelings, so talk to other people with similar experiences â€” that will be a huge step for you.
(Text from JackinWorld.) Still confused? Well, you can email me, and maybe we can talk. Serious.
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