“I want to be normal!”

Mark of Cebu is one confused guy. He says, “I wish I was just normally gay, or normally guy.” His email below shows the extent of his confusion, and how I wish he perseveres through the stage he currently is in, and come out a stronger, and overall better person. MGG readers, please read on, and be generous with sharing your thoughts. And for those who are going through something similar as Mark, I hope you feel strengthened knowing that there are other guys who are going through the same predicament as you are, and that there are people in this supposedly cruel world who are kind enough to listen, and give a piece of their mind on the matter. World Peace!

* * *

Hi Migs,

First of all, I am sorry if I have to use a bogus email account. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that the thought of coming out makes me sweat to some extent.
Being the Manilagayguy, I hope you could shed some light to my dilemma. By the way, you can call me Mark of Cebu (not my real name). I am now 23 years old and I am definitely at the crossroads, I am definite I am gay, to some point yes. (whether bi or not, I don’t know just yet).

[Note: Subheaders below are mine, not the letter-sender’s. - Migs]

Two Years of Sucking Candy

As a child (before 3 y.o.) as my mother would recall it, I was bubbly, fun and generally a positive child. I’ve had numerous friends because I am very congenial, I quote her. However, when I was 3, our neighbor ( a supposed kuya and caretaker) took me to a world I wouldn’t have wanted. Whenever I was left with him, he would then bring me to his room and ask me to su*k his schlong in exchange of candy. Being lured with candy, I did it. Unknowing of its consequence, it lasted until they transferred address when I was around five.

Carinderiang Bukas Sa Lahat Ng Gustong Kumain

He, accidentally or not, told somebody else about it. News spread about me having s*x with different guys that up until second year high school, I know many things about it. I even had s*x with almost all of my brother’s classmate during elementary.
In high school, I got so busy with academics that it stopped. I was aiming for honors and I’ve had numerous guy barkadas that the experience somehow did not bother me anymore. I’ve had gf’s, drinking binges among others. Things that somehow assured that I am a guy after all.

Girl on the Phone

When I was in second year college, I chanced upon a chance to play prank to a long time guy crush. I have this talent of changing my voice into a woman so I was able to have a short-lived relationship with him. He caught me. Still, I went for another relationship with a guy over the phone and never meeting them. I know some fell for me really hard but what could I do? I can’t meet them but I can’t let go of them because I loved them DEARLY. Whenever i get the courage to let go, I go again with another one. My heart has been broken many times that I am afraid to love anymore. I know it’s wrong. I am not only fooling them but I am making myself hope for something that will never happen. I feel sorry for them. This is one part of my life I truly regret. I have hurt more than five guys, make them fall for me (as the girl on the phone) only to break their heart. I don’t want to but somehow i had to make a choice.

Confused in So Many Ways

Currently, I have a GF but we broke up. No because she knows I am gay but because she senses that I have lost interest in her which is true.

Now my dilemma is: How can I come out? My parents are very conservative and they think gays would lose all their money paying guys for sex. I tried to explain it to them but they still go on with what they think. I am about to burst. I have told some of my closest friends about it just to ease the burden but I only told them until the part that I was molested and I am really confused (which is true).

Second, I want to be guy. I know I am gay but I want to be a guy? I can’t explain why.

Third, how can I stop hurting the people (men or women alike) who love me? It may sound so easy but everytime I try, I always end up going through the same route again.

I am sorry if I am bothering you. I am desperate, I just need help. I’m ripped between wanting to be a guy and coming out? I’ve cried a million times about it. I wish I was just normally gay or normally guy. Please help me!

~ Mark of Cebu

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48 Responses to ““I want to be normal!””

  1. ewan Says:

    Thanks Migs for posting it. I am in dire need of help. I do not understand myself. If you’d see me, I would come off as very very strong (no-care about the world attitude). Pero deep inside, I am melting ( so fast that suicide comes into mind a few times). Thank you so much again.

  2. whocares Says:

    anu ba tlga gusto mo? Eto lang masasabi ko. It’s your life, not mine and also not theirs. Kaya it’s up to you kung anu gusto mo. Don’t be afraid na may masasaktan ka. Real friends will accept you no matter what. Your parents will be shocked pero in the process matatanggap din nila yan. Last, kaya mo na buhayin sarili mo, so don’t be afraid. The only thing na problemahin mo eh anu mangyayari sa love life mo after that decision. alisin na natin ang love. Life mo nalang.

  3. ewan Says:

    I am a very problematic person. I did not finish college because of this problem. I was bothered by it when i was in 4th year that I had to stop. I am taking up nursing now (after shifting from Engineering) so technically, I am dependent to my parents. That’s why I can’t come out to them because I am not independent yet. I am afraid na itakwil nila ako and end up being nothing kasi nga wala akong natapos. Kaya ako nag-gf becasue I wanted to check kung ano ba talga ako. We’ve had our intimate moments. ewan ko na…gulong2x nako…I know this will pass as this is only a stage. Hahai. Bakit kailangan pa maging ganito kacomplicated!

  4. earl Says:

    to understand the whole, u have to understand thyself. i have so much to say but to say the least, spend time with urself. knw what u really want. n d end, no ones there to make decisions 4 u but u. we r just here to lend a hand.

  5. ewan Says:

    @ earl:
    I am working on it. I have been working on it for the longest time. Sobrang dami lang talaga problema ko ngayon na hindi ko na alam ano uunahin. Eti email ko. I will wait pa sa mga sasabihin mo. I juts needed to let it out para at leat isa sa mga burdens ko is out.

  6. whocares Says:

    well that makes it even more complicated. I can’t call it a stage kasi it’s been dwelling in you for so long na. Nwei, they are your parents, so sumhow naman siguro makakaintindi sila. talk to your mother siguro muna. kasi mas maiintidihan ka ng nanay mo kasi sya nagsilang sayo. isa pa mahirap yang ganyang ngyayari sayo baka masyado ka madepressed, and alam ko alam mo what will happen kapag depressed ang tao masyado. -.-
    just get a grip on yourself. talk to your mother about your problem at mas mabuti kung i-oopen mo ang ngyari sayo nung bata kapa… everyday akong bumibisita dito so i’ll just see if meron kang mga reply. hehe. elow migs.

  7. ewan Says:

    Know what, I can’t. My mother has a faint heart. Overly sensitive. Hay naku! She’ll know sooner or later pero dapat mapakita ko muna sa kanya na I’m established, na me naabot ako and I’m successful at it. I’ve failed my mom in the past and the last thing I want is giving her yet wnother problem involving me.

  8. ewan Says:

    Sa katagal ba naman ng problem, I’ve learned to deal with it without resorting to stupid things no matter how depressed I get.

  9. Charles Says:

    Oh My God! Mark of Cebu, i didn’t have that horrific childhood thang but is sure do feel the exact same way as you do! I don’t know why, such a coincidence? WOW I am not alone! Yay! I hope we’ll get over this confusion soon right?

  10. earl Says:

    i am a victim myself. a loner. a fighter. and stl is a fighter. i do have to say kudos to u 4 writing. u may have helpd others as well by doing so. im proud of you. smile 4 us, will u? there u go.

  11. ewan Says:

    Yeah. Horrible things are bound to happen, its bouncing back after it that matters.

    I am smiling because of the support I get. Thankful that somehow there are people, despite not knowing me personally, who cares. Thank you guys!

  12. earl Says:

    glad to knw. i had sent an email already.

  13. riel Says:

    mark of cebu: this might hurt

    1. i believe gay people are born that way so even if you were molested by the entire male population of your town you wouldn’t be gay if you weren’t born that way. you’d most definitely bear emotional and psychological scars but the experience wouldn’t make you gay. did your brother’s classmate also force you to have sex with them?

    2. i don’t think what you had with those guys over the phone can be called love at all, especially on your part, because it lacked an essential ingredient which is honesty. i don’t know what to call what you feel for them but it’s definitely not love. also, don’t feel sorry for the guys because any guy who falls deeply in love under the circumstances you described isn’t really worth loving.

    even though i took the negative approach, i hope you will learn some things from what i’ve said.

    take care.

  14. carlos24 Says:

    I was in the same situation before. But you know what i did, I moved to europe. Now that I am living here, I dont feel the same thing anymore. I think it is because of our culture. The Filipino culture is still conservative that we can not be who we really are. I am gay, discreet though, but for choice, I am really manly (but gay). I think to be out is possible but difficult. My advice, if you cant get out of the country. Just move to another place. If you are from cebu, then move to manila. YOu would have less of the worries.

  15. wrestler Says:

    2 cents worth for Mark of Cebu. Sincerely wanting you to feel better about yourself and about everything. I somehow understand how you feel so here goes.

    1. No, you don’t have to tell your parents if you feel you can’t or don’t want to (I’m the same way - my parents are fierce born again christians and i know we will never see eye to eye about this). I do however show my love to my parents every chance i get.

    2. I really think you are gay and it that isn’t something to be SO depressed about (easier said than done).
    You’re gay - so what? BIG deal. I guess you just have to accept the fact and deal with it.
    I do however be the BEST person i can be - with work, career, I am a blessing to the society. friends. family to so many people. I am God fearing.

    Being gay is part of me but it isn’t the WHOLE of me.

    Am i out? to some people - very few. I make the decision who to come out to or not. I am the master of my destiny.

    3. You are still young. you’ll grow into who you are in good time. You’ll learn to take things as they come. One day you just might meet someone who will help you turn your life around, give you the support you need and change bad habits into good. In the meantime, relax and be the best you can be. Take lots of rest, exercise, get healthy make good friends and love like you’ve never been hurt.

    stay cool Mark of Cebu! smile :-) you are among friends here. and thank you Migs. sorry my note is quite lengthy.

  16. riffraff2000 Says:

    y’all gave some very good advice, but man, that pic of Leandro Okabe just stirred up my libido at 7:30AM, ke-aga-aga leche.. :D

  17. blue_harajuku Says:

    thanks migs for putting up leandro’s pics!! hehe

    for you, mark of cebu, just follow what your conscience, heart, and mind want you to. i know decision making to a situation like youre having is like guessing a person behind a curtain, so let time be your sign.

    by the way, i laughed on that “girl on the phone” part. really classy, dude. really classy. in fact, i wont have even the guts of doing that. back in high school, i was the “macho ako pre!” type, so if i would do that back in the days, hell no! lol

    coming out to your family is, i think, the hardest part of coming out. its a good thing you came out to your close friends first. eventually, coming out to you is as simple as cracking a joke. yeah, true.

    other than that, stay positive, happy, worry-free. life is worth living it your way.

    i’ll be coming there to cebu this week. wala lang. hehehehehe..

  18. Lee Says:

    Wrestler couldn’t have said it any better.

    “Be the best that we can be.” I guess being able to show the world what you can offer as a person would be the strong foundation of starting to be independent (in terms of wise actions and decisions) and loving one’s self, enough to have that confident to live out the life that you want for yourself. And still smile in front of others because you know that you’ve gained their respect as who you are wholely, not just the gay part of you.

    hehe. well, you know who I am mark, I can’t really give much advice that I myself would not be able to do.

    But just to let you know, you’ve got friends in MGG. It really does help to have someone you can let all your frustrations out without fearing judgement from them.

    Lots of love,

    Lee (formerly ken’s bitch, well, I guess i’m starting to overcome that phase, I’m not anymore his bitch, hehe)

  19. genre Says:

    Mark, you can never be “out” to anyone unless you really know who you are. Some people realize who they are by:
    1. their good and bad experiences
    2. the people they’re with and meet (accidentally or not)
    3. the environment they’re in
    4. their dreams and aspirations
    For some, it just happens after waking up one morning (or one evening, if your insomiac :-)).
    But honestly Mark, if I am going to interpret your letter, I think you already know who you are… you’re just having difficulty accepting your true self. My advise, BE STRONG, not to fight or suppress who you really are deep inside, but be strong so your self-acceptance will not be influenced by people around you and the “norms” you think “normal” people must adhere to.
    Stories like yours does not always have a happy ending… but that does not mean you can’t have one. You will only know when you finally had the courage to stand up for yourself.

  20. passerby Says:

    Wow..that’s the first thing that came to me coz all of you guys gave Mark of Cebu a great advice. I myself agree with your advice. Well since you guys said a lot already, i’ll just say to Mark of Cebu that “life is full of tough choices in it.” Knowing yourself comes first before all else coz it will be your cornerstone for your future. ^_~

  21. pacer Says:

    mark of cebu
    hindi lang ikaw ang may ganyang problema,marami tayo.mas may mabigat pa sa yo.i’m a nurse myself.hindi rin alam ng parents ko.i understand na hindi ka pa independent pero wag mo muna masyado i entertain nararamdaman mo.focus on your studies.nung elementary ako nagkaexperience ako sa same sex pero hindi ko naman naiintindihan yun nun.yung kasex ko nung bata ako hindi naging gay.ako lang.until now magulo utak ko kasi nga gusto ko maging tunay na lalaki.my advise kung talagang hirap na hirap ka na,tignan mo kung sino sa family mo ang pinaka close ka na kahit ano mangyari susuportahan ka.kahit hindi muna sa friends.wala pa akong pingasabihan sa mga friends ko eh.if you read “GAY OFW + STRAIGHT TAMBAY” last july 12 ako yun.mahirap mark pero wala na tayo magagawa.pag natapos ka mag abroad ka na lang.andito ako sa uk pero 4 years na ako dito hindi rin ako nakikipagrelasyon.natatakot ako sa hindi ko alam kung ano.mahirap na magsisi.napaparanoid kasi ako na baka pag lumabas ako para makipagdate o gumimik sa bars eh may makakita sa akin na kilala ako.if you want further advise kahit nonsense o gusto mo lang ng kausap,email me at
    sorry sa readers kung mahaba comment ko.happy anniv migs.sorry hindi pa ako makapaglagay ng testi.tnx anyway.you’re doing a great job

  22. jimg29 Says:

    100% vhkla but be proud nothing to fear about be happy and don’t ever contemplate suicide.

  23. anton maton Says:

    *yawn* … wala ako sa mood pumapel at tumalak. kaya nga ang masasabi ko lang -

    it’s not my problem anymore!
    it’s your problem anymore!

    sige hulaan niyo na lang kung sinong artista ang tumalak ng famous lines na yan!
    niyahahahahaha …

    out and about,
    anton maton

  24. Joshua Says:

    Hi Mark,

    I may not have experienced want you went through, but to an extent, I can relate with some of the issues about your sexuality. Yes, my problem also got published weeks ago under the topic “To be or not to be gay”, and dude, let me say that I can understand you.

    While I currently can’t give a precise advise since I am also taking things slow and focusing on other things at hand, I think the best advise that I can give you right now is just to relax your mind. Just relay your problems if there’s a need for it, since sometimes, we don’t even need answers to our problems, we just want someone to listen to us, and thanks to this blog, we can do that anonymously.

    Just keep it cool and be assured that there are others who can relate to you. :)

  25. peterrr Says:

    go see a psychologist. it would be of much help.

  26. ewan Says:

    To some point, they’ve forced me. I was young and stupid. Honestly, never really got mature until college to understand its whole effect on me. siguro, regarding dun sa guys over the phone the phone, it was partly guilt. Nasasaktan ako na sionasaktan ko sila. They’ve asked to meet a million times but I’ve invented a million reasons not to also. Anyway, what I did was I made them see the good side of me- on how much I care for them. Maybe that’s why they fell. Kaya I disagree na I never felt love for them or vice versa. Thank you sa advice though I appreciate it!

    Yeah I’ve always wanted a change of environment. Feeling ko its the best way to find myself and not get bugged by the stares of our barangay. I forgot to mention, MARAMING NAKAKAALAM dito. Kaya I am somewhat an object of ridicule. Ni hindi na nga ko lumalabas when I am in our town e. Di palang cguro umaabot ke mama kc nirerespeto cya dito. Don’t worry. We’ll be transferring to Manila as a family in two years time.
    I agree. There is no problem with being gay. I’ve got tons of gay friends. I’m working na on myself. Making sure that I’ll be an asset to the community.
    Yeah. Nice marketing strategy for marketing my story. hehe

  27. xxxx Says:

    Bakit ba kailangan mag out ang isang gay? To me, homosexuals are equal to heterosexuals. There’s no need to come out if you don’t feel confident about it. Do we hear about heterosexuals going up to their parents and saying “Ma, i’m straight.”? So why should we? I know it’s not a simple as that. But if I were you, don’t worry about it. I’ve never come out to my parents. And I never will. They probably know that I’m gay, but I don’t wanna confirm their suspicions. I live with the secret. So, can you. Relax. Have Fun. Accept it.

  28. ewan Says:

    Hehe. Thanks for appreciating the turmoil-causing talent. Anyway, I have been working on staying positive. I just have my moments that I get depressed and all.
    Salamat. Galing ko mag-advice sayo no pero ako rin pala me problema. hihi
    Yeah I know. Kaya ng sinabi ko I am definite I am gay, to some point yes. I am gay! The hard part is accepting it amidst this awfully partial society. Thanks!
    Isa yan sa kinagagalit ko. Bakit ako namomroblema at sila hindi? Kainis. Proof cguro yan na live is never fair.
    Hanggang contemplation lang naman. Never umabot sa point na kumuha nako ng lubid o ng kutsilyo among others. Iniiyak ko nalang.
    @anton maton:
    hahahahaha. Bitchy as always pero na-aaliw talaga ako sayo. Salamat na din maski wala sa mood to pumapel.
    Thanks. Just the though of knowing na you still care despite having some issues of your own is more than enough.
    Would have loved to. Kaso nga lang I’m in no position to be able to do that on my own. Dapat ihingi ko pa ng pera. Kaya yun wag na muna. I’m getting by pa naman e.
    P.S. Salamat sa lahat! Sa mga di ko napasalamatan most especially. Know this, I am very blessed to have a community na hindi judgmental. Sino pa ba magtutulungan di tayo tayo lang diba? Na-aapreciate ko ang lahat ng tulong. Pasensya, I am at a loss for words. Overwhelmed lang kc at bagong gising din. Basta salamat!

  29. ewan Says:

    Migs, salamat din for posting this. And salamt that you’ve thought of Manilagayguy. Marami akong natutunan especially yung mga body parts ng male populace. hehehe.

  30. george Says:

    Kahit ano ang decision mo, always think that there will always be repercussions. Don’t ever think that “the” perfect way to go in your life is within reach. Nope. Disabuse your mind of that hope. So follow what you think is best. For example, you know your mom more than all us here, then so what if you don’t tell your mom about your sexual issues because for you it is the best thing to do at this time?

    Coming is not always the best thing to do. If you don’t come out, is that what you really want to do? Coming out or not, the struggle will always be there. But one thing you need is this: TALK to yourself and TALK to your best friends. Talking about it helps a lot.

  31. ewan Says:

    I am not ready to come out and I’m sure my mom isn’t also. It will come but not just yet. Salamat.

  32. Quentin X Says:

    I can see you have partly solved your issues. By writing them all down, you are able to stand back and look at them objectively. It is very easy to get overwhelmed and confused by the number of problems we face on a daily basis. You are trained as a nurse. By now, they would have taught you SOAP notes. Use that to make plans.
    Here’s an example:
    Subjective- “I am now 23 years old and I am definitely at the crossroads, I am definite I am gay, to some point yes. (whether bi or not, I don’t know just yet)”. “I am melting ( so fast that suicide comes into mind a few times)”.
    Objective- Several homosexual encounters. Failed heterosexual relationship. Several attempts at relationship with men over the phone. Suicidal ideation.
    Assessment- State of confusion and/or denial. Depression(?)
    Plan- Come to terms with the truth, come out to parents in due course. Rule out depression or pharmacological treatment.

    You can also do another one on your education, and so forth. Don’t worry about the seemingly clinical approach, it works. This allows you to focus on what you can do rather than be burdened by the past and things beyond your control.
    FYI, I did not come out until I was in my late 20’s but I wish I did it sooner. It was a waste of time worrying. Moving to Australia on my own was a big help.

  33. ewan Says:

    @ Quentin X:
    I couldn’t agree more. Why did I not think of SOAPIE or NCP? It never crossed my mind. Thank you anyways.

  34. jigs Says:

    I think from the very beginning you should know yourself. I’ve once had the same issue. Got a gf, broke up, having been molested, having sex with guys/PLU’s…but it all boils down to what really is you want in your life. Of what could make you happy. Of accepting your very self. Yes, if you know that you really is a gay guy, then, accept first your very self but then never loose respect for your self, dont do things which are disrespectful of you or to others. You know what I mean. Just accept who you are, you can be successful, happy and live a life of meaning even if your not seemed to be normal as you said, actually you can be, so long as you start accepting your very self. Goodluck and Godbless, everything is a struggle though and a process. You can get over it!

  35. nagmamarunong Says:

    i don’t want to undermine your morality but here’s my concern regarding your situation:
    i’ve watch many episodes of oprah show and they always say that most molested child become molester themselves, hope this won’t happen in your case. i agree with peterrr you need to see a psychologist. (i hope some psychologist can anonymously extend their help to people like us) good luck! btw i think you should not out yourself at this point, you’ll know when the right time is.

  36. ben Says:

    hi good day am an ICON fanatic and i would say youre not alone and you know we have exactly the same story , you know move forward and you dont have to be guilty.i admired you for being brave enough to share that.i like you.

    BEN of cebu city

  37. ben Says:

    enjoy life dont be guilty to please people

  38. jim Says:

    ay pareho kmi ng experienced nung bata pa ko until now

  39. Fernando IX Says:

    Mark, Ferdnado from Cebu here. I’ve been through your stage and it took me quite a long while to free myself.

    You dont have to tell your parents what you are if you are not comfortable with the idea but you should do is to finally accept yourself with who you truly are.

    Im sorry to tell you but once gay, you’ll always be gay although you can always choose not to engage in homosexual acts, if you can’t take it.

    I used to be worried about what other people would say about me but I’ve had eversince I have accepted myself, then I don’t care anymore as long as I don’t do any injustice against anyone then to hell about it.

    If people would judge you for who you are, then don’t worry because they are not any better than you are.

    Best of all, love yourself and start not to worry about other people’s problems (if there are people who problematize your being.) Kung bayot ka, daghang bayot sa kalibutan. Wala ka nag-inusara kay daghan kaayo ta. (If you are gay, then there are also other gay people all over the world. You are not alone because there are so many of us. (smile).


  40. earl Says:

    im hapi of the suport that ur geting frm all the bloggers. though u thnk ur alone, ppl lyk us r hir 4 u. U heard their stories and their views. gues tym 4 u to take that seemingly obscure journey towards self realizati0n. G-luck! heck! how i miss phils.

  41. ivan Says:

    first all of you can’t come out to your parents if you havent fully embraced ur own sexuality. it’s very apparent when u said u r gay but would want to be a man.

    second, you cant please everyone. of course ud hurt ur family coz no parents ever wished or xpected theyd have a gay son.

    well the thing is migs its normal for anyone hus xploring their sexuality to become afraid and confused. it’s all part of it.

    just remember that when u’ve finally know the real you dont be ashame of it even f the ones u love wont understand you at first. b strong.

    hope i was able to help u


  42. Isaribi Says:

    QUOTE/How can I come out?/UNQUOTE

    YOU CANT - as what others have said you have to embrace your own self (ENTIRELY).

    QUOTE/I want to be guy./UNQUOTE

    Want is just a state of mind. KNOW YOUR NEEDS. Want is different from needs. Also identify what are your wants and needs… You want to come out yet also you want to be a guy? Contradiction po ang nakikita ko sa ideang “COMING OUT” and “WANTED TO BE A GUY”

    QUOTE/How can I stop hurting the people (men or women alike) who love me?/UNQUOTE

    Hurt or not they will still love you the way you are and the way you are going to be. I say its better to hurt them now and show your true self rather than making them love the person who is not you! If love is really in their heart they will accept you no matter what. Love always goes with TRUST. Trust them and who knows, they might surprise you.

  43. backstreet Says:

    Beautiful story. story of change, Peter

    “Why worry now, there’s always sunshine after rain, there’s always laughter after pain.” Have you ever experienced the feeling that your life was full of rain? Always full of pain? Have you ever found yourself aching inside for a rainbow to come shining through and take away all the rain, misery, loneliness? Do you still feel like that today?

    Those words described my life until a few years ago. Had you met me before I became a Christian, you would never have guessed it. I was always the life of the party, quick with a joke. My life seemed full of laughter, but at night, I was alone, feeling like I was dying on the inside, with a secret only a few people knew. I was gay. As much as I did not want the feelings, they were there. They were there when I started school, when my family moved to the city, when I began high school, even when I moved in with a girlfriend. I cannot remember not having them. They had always been a part of who I was. Thus, at the age of 24, I decided that I could no longer suppress these feelings and came out of the closet.

    It seemed liberating at the time; finally coming to terms with “who” I really was. I remember walking into my first gay bar and finally feeling like I belonged. Not having to hide behind a facade, I thought I had found freedom at last! Now that I was free, I still needed someone to love the new me. The next couple of years were like a roller coaster while I searched for my ultimate lover. One moment I was in ecstacy, the next, frustrated beyond despair because I could not find the man who would meet all my needs.

    Let me take you back to what brought me to believe I was homosexual. The events are like a puzzle with many pieces. Each piece is insignificant apart from the whole, but when completed, it spelled, “Peter is a homosexual.”

    The first piece is found in the Scriptures. The Bible tells us that all of us have fallen short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23), that each of us were conceived by imperfect parents (Psalm 51:5) and raised imperfectly, that we have consciously and unconsciously sinned against our parents and others, defied God’s laws and standards and chosen to rebel against Him (Isaiah 53:6). However, praise be to God, the Bible tells us that He did not abandon us in our state of rebellion but in His grace and mercy offers each one of us unconditional love and forgiveness through Jesus Christ. This is a love based on His perfection, not our imperfection.

    The second piece is found in my childhood. I am the youngest of 8 children. My father worked as a labourer and 12 hour days were a common occurence for him. The time he spent away from home didn’t affect me as much as the time he spent at home too tired to get involved in my life. He was too tired to pick me up, to hug me, or to tell me he loved me. My mother, on the other hand, was always showering us with love and attention. My brothers were older and did not want to be bothered with a kid like me. Can you begin to sense my need for male attention? I do not want to blame my parents; they truly loved me and still do. The issue here is facing up to those things which influenced the development of my homosexual feelings.

    The next piece involved another boy. We would often hide and experiment sexually with each other. I had no idea these “innocent” encounters were beginning to pave the way that would ultimately lead me into accepting a homosexual identity. I just acted on my feelings.

    Another piece was added to my puzzle in my early teen years. My parents owned a rooming house. One summer an elderly gentleman began giving me extra attention which led to sexual abuse for several weeks. The abuse was not forced upon me. I never pushed him away. Subconsciously, I yearned for a male’s attention and it was this feeling that fed my passivity during the abuse. However, the abuse grew more intense, until I finally told my parents what was going on. I remember tearfully telling my dad what had taken place. He did not say a word to me or comfort me. I had no idea what he was thinking. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? My father booted him out the same day, but never spoke a word to me. Then my mother approached me and said that this man was probably very lonely and did not mean to harm me. My pain and confusion were never discussed.

    As my puzzle begins to take shape, another important piece is fitted into the picture. In my late teens, I had many sexual encounters with other boys my age and, though most grew up to be heterosexual, I felt these encounters met my most intimate needs. Most of those years were spent acting like the straight virile male. I would date girls long enough to reassure my family that Peter was “okay,” covering up my real feelings with lies and deceit about the girls I dated.

    As the tension between my feelings and peer pressure grew, I began to realize that living the rest of my life in those two worlds would be an impossibility. At the age of 24, I came out of the closet. After two years of searching for the man who would meet all my needs, I came to the sad and desperate realization that I would not find him, at least not on my terms. The events that followed were not exactly miracles but the Lord knew what He was doing. On June 15, 1985, two friends and I decided to go on a little canoe trip, and tipped over right in the middle of the lake. The water was extremely cold and we would have drowned if some people near the shore hadn’t heard us shouting for our lives. They got us to safety and drove us back to our camp. If that wasn’t enough, the next day as I was walking across the camp yard I picked up a tire rim lying in the way. I tried to toss it behind a pickup truck, but did not succeed. Instead, the rim pinned my finger against the truck and severed a tendon, which meant that I could no longer play my guitar. When I came back to the city, I didn’t care about anything.

    After weeks of drugs and one-night stands, the evening of September 27, 1985 changed my life forever. It was a rock concert. “Why worry now, there’s always laughter after pain, there’s always sunshine after rain!” As I sat and listened to the words, I had a true picture of my life for the first time, and began to cry. It was always raining on the inside, it was always painful on the inside. Where was my sunshine, my laughter? I remember running ouside just before the last encore, but I knew there was nowhere else to go. I was at the end. I hated my life and there was no way it could change. I walked over to this little park and then I sensed Him. It was at this precise moment that I heard God speak to me, not in a voice, but through my whole being. I knew God was speaking to me, and this is what He said: “I love you, Peter. I have always loved you.” I remember clinging to the fence and crying out, “O God, how could I have lived my life so long without You? Please forgive me.” He did not say, “Peter, you have been a very sinful person and I disapprove of your homosexuality.” He didn’t have to tell me that - all my life I knew it was wrong. I needed to be loved and accepted for who I was and that seemed to be the only way I could experience love. God did not point to my homosexuality, He pointed to my heart. It was there that I had truly sinned. I had kept out the only One who could restore me and show me true love and acceptance.

    I wept for what seemed like hours. After regaining my composure, I started walking home knowing that nothing would ever be the same again. How I wish I could tell you that the struggles left me that night, that temptations are no longer part of my life, but I am a realist and so is Jesus. Though I walked out of the gay life that night not to return, I could not have done it without Christians who took time to pray with me, to listen to me when I fell, was tempted and lonely. I believe the greatest part of my healing took place within my church. The homosexual struggler needs to know there are Christians who believe that the same God who raised Jesus from the dead can and wants to set free the captives of homosexuality, the way He has and continues to set me free.

    from www.becomingreal.org

  44. ewan Says:

    i do hope so na it will pass soon.

    don’t worry i am not. i would never inflict the same pain i have right now to others. i am not the type.

    @jim and ben:
    salamat. you did help me.

    sakto. di ra ako ang bayot sa kalibutan.

    salamat talaga.

    you did help. thanks a lot.

    salamat. I appreciate it.

    salamt. a different view to what we are experiencing.

  45. backstreet Says:

    Hi Ewan, you are welcome, try to get information from this org. in the philippines for gays wanting to change. good luck brother

    Manila is also starting a Courage Reparational Group on Saturday, September 30th, 2006!

    Please click on the following link for more information on Courage Reparational Groups:


    Manila Contact Info:

    Joe G., Phone: 02-780-3284 or Cell: 0917-892-2257; Email: OR

    Father Daniel Healy, Phone: 02-872-2021 or Cell: 0917-451-5651, Email: (mention Courage in the subject line)

  46. boynextdoorlover Says:

    well….chinek lova mu ba everness ang etechikun na everly tinatalakitok mo everlu jan sa haybu mu?

  47. ewan Says:

    d ko po maintindihan…

  48. rilkian Says:

    xxxx makes a lot of sense.

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