Homo-emotional = Homosexual?
I have asked permission from Elmer, our letter sender, to publish his letter here. Let me ask you dear readers, as usual, to share your opinion regarding his “homo-emo” situation.
Dear Migs,
I’ve long been looking for someone sensible to talk to regarding my situation. When I chanced upon your site, and after listening to some of your podcasts and reading your posts, I thought that maybe you are someone who I could listen to regarding my issue. It’s really simple if you think about it, but since it’s my issue, in my opinion, it’s infinitely complex. The question that boggles my mind is this: Am I gay?
Let me tell you that ever since childhood I’ve always thought I was normal. I grew up normal, liked what normal boys liked, and did what normal boys did. A gay friend once asked if I ever had a crush on a guy before, or anything like that, and I answered without thinking — no, never. It was a non-issue. Until recently.
Last December 2006 I broke up with my girlfriend. It was such a bad break up that I had to seek the constant company of my barkada just to get the nagging feeling of being broken off my system. Every after office, I would call them to check who among them I can hangout with. It ran for a couple of months until they told me, in various ways, how I should just get back on my feet. Unfortunately it was not as easy as they portrayed it should be. Luckily, one of them, Marco, seemed to understand.
Marco continued to hangout with me. “I’ll stand by you, pare. Dito lang ako, baka kasi mag-suicide ka,” he said half-jokingly. Even without me calling, he would offer to join me at dinner time, and most of the time this led to a bottle or two of beer (sometimes more). Since I live alone we would normally just hangout in my house and naturally, as it happened a lot of times, he would sleep over.
Nothing sexual ever happened between Marco and me. The nearest thing that ever happened was him sleeping while embracing me. At first I was really uncomfortable that I would remove his arms around me when he tried to embrace. But as it happened a lot of times, and thinking that I may just be reading too much into the gesture, I just let him be. Fortunately, that was it. Nothing went beyond that.
As Marco and I spent more time together, I noticed how I would sometimes miss him when he is not around. I also look forward receiving his regular “Musta?” texts, peppered throughout the day. Parang I’m getting really emotionally attached to him.
To this day, almost a year has passed since my breakup, Marco and I continue to hangout. I do not anymore hurt from the breakup but admittedly I am confused. I am not sexually nor romantically attracted to Marco, but I have to admit, I am emotionally attached to him.
Migs, this is my issue. Does this emotional attachment to Marco make me gay? What should I do?
Sincerely,
Elmer
Possibly Related Entries:
- On Loving
- Pinoy Gay Bloggers
- When Did You Know You’re Gay?
- “Aubrey Miles” electrocuted, dead
- Gay Men Loving Women, but…
- Mentos Heart
- On Bisexuality
- Hear them talk among themselves
November 4th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Diba may study na ang sabi na all men have tendencies to be gay? Isa pa emotionally weak ka nung time na nagbreak up kayo ng girlfriend mo. Kasi usually kapag malungkot ka nadedevelop ang feelings natin sa mga taong nandyan sa tabi natin para tumulong or pasiyahin ka. Pero if you asking if your gay or not di ko rin alam sagot. Sa akin naman baka may nadedevelop lng na platonic love in you for him, or baka sya din… Malalaman mo din kung gay ka o hindi in your own.
November 4th, 2007 at 9:25 am
Elmer based on ur given fact- emotionally attached to Marco due to your constant hangouts- definitely your not gay! But if you feel that you’re sexually or romantically attracted to him -which you said no-then thats the time you ask yourself if your GAY or not!
November 4th, 2007 at 9:30 am
This is a good response for Sentosapark!..I agree!
November 4th, 2007 at 10:33 am
I personally think the issue of being gay is something you have to find out for yourself. Being gay is more than having physical attraction to other men. It’s a commitment to a particular lifestyle. Think long and hard before you decide which way to go. Don’t forget to stay in touch with your heart. It will not lead you astray.
November 4th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Elmer,
I’ll cut to the chase. Forget about gay vs. straight. Gay shmay. Contrary to what most people (who really don’t know sh*t) say these days, feeling deep emotions for the same sex is natural and is not an isolated phenomenon. Love doesn’t always have to be ‘tainted’ with sex. Nor does it need to.
http://whitewatcher-bible.blogspot.com/2007/11/gaystraight-thing.html
November 4th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Not getting into the clinical analysis of what is gay or straight or whatever, i think life’s too short to burden one’s self with the question of whether or not you are one of these clinical or societal labels…
In this day and age, and after having seen and done things that aren’t necessarily the norm I’d say that the “grey area” is forever gaining! Maybe back in our parent’s times, what was black or white were all to obvious - today, things aren’t that simple. There is more grey area now hence friendster’s marital status choice - “It’s COMPLICATED”
Truth is, everyone does what they do with a particular logic clear to them in their heads. Well maybe not always clear, but the rationalization is there… If the rationalization for what we do does not include hurting or stepping on anyone in the process, then i’d think it was an OK decision.
I’ve been in Elmer’s shoes already, and i totally understand the need for companionship after a breakup. Unlike Elmer’s case however, companionship has crossed over to become something i didn’t expect. From a buddy to a love, the crossover came naturally for us after months of being “just friends”.
It isn’t easy but we work things out, and like everything in life, there are always ways to work things out… As partners we don’t really label ourselves in the traditional sense, calling ourselves “a couple” feels unnatural for us although there is a whole lot of commitment, devotion, understanding etc. We’d just rather accept “the relationship” we’re in just as it is rather than to try to label it as something (although the label is necessary i suppose just to make things simpler for others to understand).
Gosh, i’m rambling! My apologies… I just wish Elmer, Migs and everyone else happiness (in whatever form it takes in each of your lives) ;-P
November 4th, 2007 at 10:57 am
we sometimes get emotionally attached to people - gay or straight, when we are in a crisis or when we are emotionally down. why? because they give their unconditional attention (even for a while), they listen to our stories (even if they heard your stories for the nth time), they cheer you up (even if we have heard the some punchlines), they give us advice (even if we know the answers to our problems!). in short, we create this special bond with people who respond to our crises. maybe, marco and elmer are in this situation. now, if marco’s presense gives elmer butterflies in his stomach, hmmm, ibang usapin na yun.
November 4th, 2007 at 11:18 am
You are not gay. It is called emotional transference. You replaced the emotional support and companionship that you use to get from your girlfriend with Marco. This is especially so because Marco is an attentive, caring and available friend. It happens sometimes and it is normal. But now that you are aware of it try to be not so emotionally dependent and needy. It is great to have such a wonderful friend like Marco but it is not healthy, gay or straight, to have an emotional dependency on anyone. It is okay to seek support from friends when you need it so continue to have such a caring and close friendship with Marco but also strive for a well-balanced personal strength and independence. As you said so, yourself, you never were or are attracted to men. I think you have just defined yourself as heterosexual. Celebrate who you are as a straight guy but remain to be a caring and loving person to your friends, gay or straight.
November 4th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
I KNEW IT! No heart is made of stone and nothing is defined. In fact, here is the twist:
Us gays can fall in love with a woman too if she gave us special attention and caring! ( This happened to a gay friend of mine; wife is now pregnant, now on 2nd child. )
To answer your question:
Yes, you’re now officially gay. Congrats!
November 4th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
lets clarify somethings dude.
do yout think youre gay becuase you have strong feelings for your friend?
if thats the case—your being gay is hinged on your feelings for your friend—this one friend—no one else?
if thats so—then first you muts answer this—how exactly do you feel towards him?
how would you feel if he got himself a gf or a bf?
my guess is that if youre ok with him being with someone else (whether gf or bf) and as you said youre not sxeually attracted to him—then i agree with what someone said about emotional transferrence.
let me ask, how long has it been?
have you tried to even casually date other girls? or experiment with other guys?
November 4th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
i have some straight guys that i used to hang out with and now miss my company. the “musta” messages or expecting them may sound so gay but some straight friends do it, not just gay men. why not try giving yourself a little space away from him? i thnk you just got used to the very close friendhsip with marco.
November 4th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
though dude, i kinda get you.
im gay, but i myself know that i dont really know what i want.
i think i really just want a very good friend—a constant companion or buddy to hang with—a best friend—a fag hag na lalake—who i dont necessarily have to have sex (though thats a bonus i wouldnt mind—then again sex just manages to screw many good friendships up) with but i just have to know is always there and di mang-iiwan sa ere. someone to watch over me and vice versa. family. a gay brother. too much to ask of a friend no?
iyan lang ang kaya ko. i dont think i can do an actual relationship.
i actually did have a fag hag but she’s married with kids now.
maybe youre kinda in a similar place.
be clear in your thoughts.
be pure in your heart.
in the end, just love unconditionally
November 4th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
..by the way, I concluded that you’re gay coz’:
-you’d been reading this blog for quite sometime; str8 guys wouldn’t give sh_t about gay blogs.They would if this blog has galizions pix of naked women in it.
-the intensity of your word combinations in your letter to Migs: It’s gay in a good way.
So, yeah, congrats! I’m proud of you, come out already, Sista!OMG, I could cry, so hapi for you!Mwah!
November 4th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
no youre not gay.. and stop asking yourself that before ‘it’ starts.
you just miss him, like a younger brother who misses his good older brother.
thats it.
November 4th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
no youre not gay.. and stop asking yourself that before ‘it’ starts.
you just miss him, like a younger brother misses his good older brother.
thats it.
November 4th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
no youre not gay.. and stop asking yourself that before ‘it’ starts.
you just miss him, like a kid misses his good older brother.
thats it.
November 4th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
i just knew it… i kinda messed this up… sorry.. hihihihihi
November 4th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
kung anu man yan, enjoy it as the day passes…you have a special kind of friendship and only the two of you can answer what you really are…if its platonic, mas mabuti, no harm done…but if its not make him do the first move…find more clues as each day passes..mahirap to cross (to gayhood) kung di ka cgurado and no you’re not gay…he could just be a lost brother you finally found…
November 4th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
to raymund gerard
wow! we exactly have the same sentiments!!.. i get attracted to guys but not mainly sexual.. i guess too, im just lookin for a brother which i dont have, a guy bestfriend.. or just some1 who i could hang out with all the time.. but i know im gay.. im just not the typical gay guy out there.
November 4th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Pare ko, you’re not gay! Period. Stop worrying, as there is nothing to worry in the first place.
November 4th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Definitely not gay! Enjoy his company and just be yourself.
November 4th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
yeah…. so not gay! enjoy while it lasts
November 4th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
you’re not!
November 4th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
sullen boy,
hahaha. glad to know im not the only one with this kind of issue.
ive grown especially attached to one of my friends. he’s gay too. but he’s been very sweet to me like a brother. i have to keep him at bay or my feelings will get the better of me. he kinda confornted me last week why i keep pushing him away and why i dont seem to value his friendship more. im just worried that if he keeps up the brotherly act—ill just fall hopelessly more. and i know for a fact that he really just takes to me as a brother. i walked out on our drinking spree last night after he started flirting with someone. made up an excuse that i have a terrible headache.
just couldnt stand it!
November 4th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
medyo katulad ng case ko…may kaibigan akong naging ka-close ko he already has a family of his own. the guy is just fond of me…i dont know why. pero minsan masyado na kaming nagiging close na inis sya pag hindi ako kasama sa mga gimik, inaalam nya yung mga gusto at ayaw ko, etc. nuong una wala lang sa kin, pero recently lang medyo may nararamdaman na ako sa kanya at may mga kilos sya na parang napag-iisip ako kung more than friendship n nga ba yung relationship namin o medyo nagcro-cross over na…ewan, ang hirap kung ano na nga ba siguro mas maganda kung wag n lang lagyan ng label…just enjoy what we have na lang.
November 4th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
what a waste of time…
November 4th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
ikaw lang talaga siguro ang makakasagot niyan…but this i have to tell you: some of my closest straight friends would sometimes text me things like “i miss you dude. when are you flying back?”
or baka namanyour friend is also asking questions about his sexuality? so both of you are in the process of finding out who you really are. my feeling is that is the case. both of you never enterntained any thoughts of homosexuality because it was never triggered. but circumstances made that possible. notice how your other barkada friends started to fade away?
November 4th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
“Migs, this is my issue. Does this emotional attachment to Marco make me gay? What should I do?”
Its not your relationship with MARCO thats making you gay.. miss thing, its logging on to MANILAGAYGUY, reading the posts, and caring what MIGS says, allowing him to POST your letter PUBLICLY, SHARING your issues with this MARCO guy.. THATS WHATS MAKING YOU GAY.
See you at GAY PRIDE buddy.
And seriously… if you have to ask if youre gay.. you are. Seriously.
November 4th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Well put John LX. Finally, straying from the usual and awfully superficial “You’re gay/You’re not gay” commentary. Finally, some sense!
Elmer, listen to John LX.
November 4th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
hi elmer,
it is possible to be emotionally attached (some would call this dependent) to another person. this happens many times to many people. now, even if you feel this kind of attachment to a person of the same sex, this does not make you gay (or homosexual). one of the other people who responded here has said that for you to seriously consider that you might be gay, there has to be a sexual and emotional attraction to another guy. take note that i also used the term emotional. however, emotional attraction is very much different from emotional attachment. as long as this attachment has not ‘evolved’ into an attraction, i do not think you are in any way, gay.
i’m just wondering why you used the word ‘normal’ many times in your letter and why you said ‘fortunately’ when you said that nothing sexual happened between you and your friend. if somebody told you, yes, you might be gay, how would you feel? do you think it’s bad (or not normal) to be gay?
wishing you well, mike.
November 4th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
transference lang yan. ako kasi kung may girl na ganyan or guy na ganyan katulad mo, love has no sex or gender.
November 4th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
just wondering.. why would you be checking out mig’s website if you are not gay???? just wondering…
November 4th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Elmer is not gay. That part “….I am not sexually nor romantically attracted to Marco, but I have to admit, I am emotionally attached to him…” indicates he merely likes the attention he gets from Marco.
I say Ace’s response aptly describes what you’re going through.
Sexual orientation is really simply which gender gives us a boner every time we get horny.
November 4th, 2007 at 11:29 pm
ur not gay. . . i think ur just emotionally attached to the guy for what he had done to you especially that u were broke that time. . . . it just simple having a companion that made u feel better. . . .
November 4th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
i dont get it why you should worry bro..I dont get it why we need labelling…if you are happy thats it..world peace..love..ganun lang..life is too short for drama..
November 4th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
i dont get it why you should worry bro..I dont get it why we need labelling…if you are happy thats it..world peace..love..ganun lang..life is too short for drama..
and i dont think you need to be gay just to show true love…or love unconditionally..basta wold pearce..d b migs?
November 5th, 2007 at 12:10 am
Is loving someone who loves you a problem? Love comes in different colors and shades. Bask under the rainbow and count your blessings.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:16 am
let’s be straight to the point. tinitigasan ka ba noon sa gf mo? had you had sex with her? how about with this guy? ba’t di mo subukan? kung enjoy ka then you’re bi and/or gay. i think deep in your heart you know the answer to your question.
let’s not confuse emotions with physical attraction. i love and miss terribly some of my girl friends but I am definitely NOT attracted to them.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:41 am
the fact that ure emotionally attached to a person from the same sex doesnt make u gay.. my bestfriend from makatimed was emotionally bound to me (like clay-doh sticks to unkempt hair) during our internship days but he’s as straight as a barbQ stick..
pero the fact that ure reading manilagayguy makes me think u probably are..
November 5th, 2007 at 3:16 am
in 2005, months after i broke up with my ex.
i was soo devastated by that i got emotinally attached to a gal pal. i wanted to be around her all the time. because with her around, the pain was gone.
it was thriugh she that i met anothey guy.
she set us up.
but early on i realized i wanted him to just be my friend.
but being the first guy i met after the break up—i found myself getting so emotionally attached to him. like the gurl, beig around him dulled the pain.
soon enough, simply being around him gave me the feeling of home. we’d check on each other daily. try to be there for each other. he was sweet and responsible. he told me off when i needed to be told off.
i loved being around him i hated it when he was around other guys—kahit mga kaibigan niya lang.
finally i couldnt take it anymore i told him.
he got angry because he really wanted to be a very good friend.
we put space between us. we made up soon after.
i thought i was okay except that when we went back to our old ways—feelings came back. and we had to put some space between us again. we made up again but
now im back in that old place again a 3rd time.
i dont really know what i should do.
i just want to be around him, and be in his life. i want him to continue taking care of me and for him to let me take care of him too (im usually the giver than the taker—i dont like taking actually—even woth my ex i was the giver)
i hate it when i dont know stuff about him and i hear about it from common friends. i feel he doesnt value me much to trust me. yet he actually acts like he cares about me. when i tell him about these things we fight because he claims im nanununukat—he says he took to me as a brother and im pushing him away by counting what we do and what we dont do and how many times or how long and how much weve been friends—how many things we know each other or how many experuences in life weve had together.
i felt bad.
i promised to seriously just see him as a good friend has he wants. but i really feel and am scared that if i try to do that—ill sink further to feelings he cant reciprocate. ive realized how he makes me feel is how i want a partner to make me feel—minus the sex.
i dont really think of him sexually—but sometimes i just want to hug him and be close to him. somties i think if us sleeping together—as in just sleeping—no sex, clothes on.
im screwed.
COMMENT FROM MIGS: man, man, man. we do have to talk about this over red wine at taste of l.a., ha, rg? see you soon.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:04 am
Elmer, You are NOT GAY. You’re just emotionally vulnerable that’s why you seem to be attached to anything that offers you comfort. It just so happened, Marco came along and gave you that much needed care and attention. But that’s just it. Do not dwell deeper, and just enjoy each others company. Just like any heartbroken dude, you’ll get over this feeling of loneliness.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:20 am
Break away from that system again…
November 5th, 2007 at 10:06 am
It’s me again…to me the issue is not whether you are gay or not. to me what you have to watch out for is to fall for this friend of yours. i tell you it’s going to be tough, especially if this friend doesn’t want to reciprocate. maloloko ka sa sakit ng loob. kaya ang advice ko. keep your sanity intact by going out with other friends. keep yourself busy. Huwag mong hayaang mawala ang respeto mo sa sarili mo. Don’t take this advice lightly. Narating ko na yan.
November 5th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Do watch the movie “Coffee Date.” Your and the main character’s situation are the same. May be it will help clear your mind up.
November 5th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
simple lang. the fact na you are reading mig’s site, maybe its time to think it over whether you are gay or not.
November 5th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
simple lang. how you get on (and the reason) this site will determine whether you are gay or not. those really straight guy will be afraid to surf sites like this. those who are curious? what else can I say.
November 5th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
hi migs… i like you blog site… can u help me wat plugin you use on your random photo post….?????
November 5th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
Until and unless you commit homosexual act, such as, sex with same sex, i think youre not gay.. but with a tendency, i think..whether or not you are gay, you just have to learn to be happy…
November 6th, 2007 at 12:40 am
in my opinion he’s not gay. it’s just that he grew accustomed to his friend being around so yung emotional attachment nila also grew. pero that doesn’t mean na bakla na siya. i’m talking about experience here. i have a straight friend who went through the hoolabaloo of break-up nila ng girlfriend nya of 3 years and he turned to me for help. we grew closer coz of that but he did not in any way said that he got confused dahil sa sobrang closeness namin. now he is happily involved with another girl. so i think what he needs to do now is to start going out on dates para makasiguro siya na talagang di nga siya bading once and for all.
November 6th, 2007 at 2:19 am
Elmer, I don’t think you’re gay, just by the mere virtue that you don’t feel any sexual or romantic attractions towards men. You were in a possibly co-dependent friendship with Marco, so you grew attached, but this friendship has nothing to do with your sexual orientation.
November 6th, 2007 at 5:19 am
“This sounds very family…”
Why does it seem that same-sex intimacy is so commonly associated with effiminacy in this country? Or at least in Manila? (Not that it’s any different from the United States but hey, they’re known for their king-size Puritanic ignorance.)
I’ve been to Turkey and they’re pretty fine with men holding each others’ hands. And they don’t even know what “gay” and “straight” are!!! (see the uselessness of these labels?)
My point is, our forefathers never troubled themselves with “gay” vs. “straight” or whathaveyou. Why should we?
Buti pa mga babae. Malaya. Mga hindi repressed. Problema sa Pilipino, pati sexuality issues ng iba (read: AMERIKANO!) ginagaya.
ELMER…PARE…don’t trouble yourself with gay vs. straight. Worthless argument. You’re feeling something, indulge in it.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
well elmer the idea of u reading gay blogs puzzles me.. though i think its only u who could tell urself if you’re gay or not.. u have to find that out within u..
November 6th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
recently there’s this guy who added me to his friendslist on a certain site.. im not sure if he’s gay or not.. we don’t really know each other but i found out he has a gf.. physically, i think, so far he’s ultimately what i look for in a guy. I sent him a thank u/hi message but then it’s just soo sad cos lastnight he deleted his account.. i never had the chance to even get to know him or ask for his number or ym.. i have a feeling he got scared or he’s confused.. too bad though.. i’m feel so sad right now.. my mind still keeps on wonderin what if we really had the chance to communicate.. have u ever had that feeling of “panghihinayang”? that’s what im feeling right now.. i’m hoping he gets to read this.