Open Relationship: “Masakit pala.”
Hi Migs,
I’ve been following your blog for more than a year now. I’m not exactly sure how I found your blog, but I have it now on my ‘favorite’ bookmarks.
Anyway, my friends call me Max. I work on a cruise ship as a photographer. I am a firm believer of open relationship, until recently.
James and I have been boyfriends for a year and five months, and yes, we have an open relationship. I told him it’s okay for him to have sex with anyone, as long as I am informed before or right after the deed, no kissing the lips, and no sweet cuddles. And I was doing the same thing, especially when I was abroad. Then yesterday we met in Megamall around 1130am so we can have lunch together and watch V-League in San Juan afterwards. While we were having lunch, he told me he has to go around 7pm because his friend asked him to come with him so they can bully the ex of his friend. My intuition told me that there’s something wrong, so I asked for the guy’s number and sent him a text message.
So it was confirmed. It wasn’t a friend, but another someone my boyfriend is dating. Well, they’ve done the deed twice already. I told the guy that it was okay for me, but honestly, it’s not. I told James I was jealous. I’ve never been so jealous all my life.
This is not the first time I caught him red handed lying to me. We’ll, we’re both guilty of violating our rule to inform each other before or right after the deed. He’s only 18 now, and this age is known as ‘makakati’. I know he’s been having affairs with a lot of people, his friends and chat rooms can tell.
Migs, I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Should I break up with James or stay with him, and do what? Sobrang sakit ng nangyari kahapon. Hindi ko alam kung masakit dahil alam kong magkasama sila, or dahil mas nabigyan ng priority ung isang guy over saakin. 1030pm, I texted the guy, and they’re still together. I, nor my friends can’t give me advise on what to do next with James and our relationship. I asked James if he still loves me, and he said yes, and I love him so much too!
I wish you can show me some directions.
Thanks,
~Max
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November 18th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Ang pumayag ka sa “Open Relationship” ay isang kamaliang di mo na pwedeng ituwid. Pinahihirapan ka at sinasaktan ng MULTONG ikaw mismo ang gumawa sa pagpayag mo sa ganung set up. It’s better na maghiwalay na lang kayo. Mga kabataan talaga ngayon.. masyadong mapusok at mapaglaro.. Im not saying that im old, im only 25 pero madami na ako na expirience thing about what we so called LIFE.
November 18th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
hahaha nawawalan na ng maisheshare si migs! ginawa mo ng column ang blogs mo. hahaha dear ate migs na ang drama. nakakaloka. ^-^ peace migs.
November 18th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
duh,let go na kc…if he truly loves you na pure d xa dpt nkikipag meet nor sex to other guys.he is to young and adventerous kya for sure d k tlga love nyan,i can’t imagine n alam mo lhat ng gngwa nya pero wla kpang ginagawang move to stop this and face the fact pwede kpang mahawa kung may sakit ung k sex ng boyfriend mo,kaloka diba…the best thing to do is to let him go… mahirap kc mahal mo pa xa, but i’m sure you can find someone na higit pa sa knya,sometimes our feelings make us stupid.peace out
November 18th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Leave the guy. Obviously, you can’t stand the set up given the circumstances. Magkaroon ka naman ng dignidad sa sarili mo. Go back to your old self and enter in a relationship na exclusive. Kalokohan yang open relationship na yan. Baka magkasakit ka pa.
As for the age, I do not believe na porke 18 eh makati na. Yung huli ko almost 40 na pero open relationship pa rin ang drama. Wala sa age, nasa character at paniniwala ng tao yan. So get a guy who has a good character at hindi puro looks at katawan lang.
November 18th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
open relationship, its like a box of chocolate, you will know what u gonna get, emotionally i mean.
November 18th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
what relationship? you have some kind of agreement with this guy to screw other people. now you can’t handle your own agreement with this guy. it is obvious this arrangement is not for you. move on.
November 18th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Just follow rakefed, he’s right! LOL
November 18th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Don’t sugar coat it by labelling it as “open relationship” just to sound good. It’s simply promiscuity and decadence. It’s either you’re afraid of commitment or just a typical polygamous person. We’ll at least you learned something i.e., you cannot live by your set rules cause it never works besides being risky. Move on by going into an exclusive and meaningful relationship well-founded with “love”. I wish you all the best.
November 18th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Tama silang mga nagsabing iwan mo na. Also, stop hurting yourself. Once you leave this guy, take this opportunity to help yourself rather than hurting yourself.
November 18th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
ur going to be the director of ur life…kaya pag sinabi mong pack-up na ang shooting… wa na sanang retake… move on girl!!! ciao bella!!!
November 18th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
I’m from an open relationship myself, and after a year and three months, we’ve gone from open to exclusive to committed.
don’t think that everyone chooses an open relationship for the same reasons: i.e. promiscuity. i chose an open relationship because my boyfriend asked for it. he had commitment issues and was kind of lost his sense of things. in a way, i chose it because it was the most that he can offer me.
it was fun and painful at the same time. the relationship had loopholes and leeways which work to our advantage and detriment.
afterwards, around 9 months later and after 2 months of not talking we decided to be exclusive. very recently, we sealed a commitment.
i think every relationship should go through an open stage when you’re allowed to explore as see how well you can survive without this guy. as for me, i found out that i CAN live without him BUT i’ll be sad. and then that’s when you start lobbying for a committed relationship.
it takes patience, and a great deal of (at times, blind) trust to get to that stage when the two of you would be inseparably in love.
i’d also say that “love” is premature in your setup. if you think he’s worth it, you’ll be patient enough to wait until “love” really happens between the two of you. he might not just be ready yet. a commitment is a big thing to ask for someone. so be careful.
November 18th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Every relationship goes through this “open” stage, and that is called casual dating, which happens BEFORE the commitment. I can go out with as many guys, I can hang out with them, I may even choose to have sex with them, and that’s okay! But the moment you begin alluding to, responding to, and encouraging some sort of emotional intercourse between you and one guy, I think you should begin to drop the rest of the “gang”.
-
There’s nothing more pathetic than for a guy to “hang in there” and wait for someone to be ready to commit. To wait it out and settle for the hurt and pain because it is the most that his guy can offer! Move on, Max, because there are more men out there who are willing to take what you have to give. Sefl-respect and confidence, man! You deserve to be happy in love.
November 18th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
i dunno anything about open relationships.. i’ve thought of suggesting that set-up to my long time boyfriend but i guess i know it wasn’t for the likes of me..cguro, hindi ko lang makita yung totoong respeto sa ganung sitwasyonhhmm..
November 18th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
if you’re no longer happy, then what’s the point in your relationship??
take a pick:
a.) break up with him..
b.) start being exclusive..
c.) find out why he has to lie, even though you both know that it’s okay as long as you follow a certain set of rules..
d.) something else i haven’t thought of yet..
but what’s important is you talk to him.. ’cause from what i’ve understood, he’s the only one you haven’t opened this up to..
November 18th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
there are two main schools of thought in loving. the first one, to which i subscribe, is the kind alluded to in the character of florentino ariza in “love in the time of cholera” and it’s about waiting for the right time with the right person.
the second one, the more prevalent these days, is “anyone-willing-right-now” and speaks a lot about our ways that have become too self-centered and impatient.
if all of us are subscribing to the “there are so many men out there” attitude, then i think i know why many of us think that most gay relationships are bound to fail. because subconsciously, anyone, following this way of thinking, is easily replaceable.
to the left, to the left… hehe.
November 18th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
david has a point. talk to HIM about this. the problem about many couples is that they talk of their problems first with those who are NOT party to the problem. that being said, i think i should shut up. LOL. kayo ang mag-usap at kayo ang mag-decide kung saan kayo magiging masaya.
November 18th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
love is such a big word to throw around these days. everyone says it but they dont really mean it—or worse—they really don’t know what it means.
some people say it and yet their executuion of what consitutes love shows they dont really know what they talk about.
max—you seem like a good guy. one of the few decent guys who actually can seem to understand what a commitment is all about. dont waste your time on someone who is soo not on the same page with you. cut and cut clean—youll love yourself afterwards.
i still believe in exclusivity. i still believe in a happily ever after. i still believe in fairy tales.
don’t sell out. don’t be desperate.
November 18th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
no questions ask, break him na. how can you trust a liar?
November 18th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
tama, not good pics at all pero migs is very credible (about 90% hahaha) when it comes to choosing our guys. well, i know many handsome guys in person but so ordinary looking when their pics are taken…better na yun kesa kabaligtaran di ba?
November 18th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
waa migs…my later reply was for that waiter guy you featured before…bakit dito napunta? >,
November 19th, 2007 at 12:24 am
Making a relationship open is like tearing it slowly.
November 19th, 2007 at 12:31 am
There is such thing as fidelity, which was not made exclusively for straight couples. Love knows no gender.
November 19th, 2007 at 12:38 am
for the lack of anything to say, I agree with Jedd. I have shared my piece regarding this open relationship thing and I do not like it.
November 19th, 2007 at 12:56 am
if you are happy and you love james then you can live with it…im into open relationship for 15years now..what is impt is that you are happy and not trying to make somebody happy.
November 19th, 2007 at 1:17 am
dear, you’re just inlove with the idea na inlove ka sa kanya. to the point na pumayag ka sa isang open-relationship eh ikaw sa sarili mo eh hindi sigurado.
hindi komo m2m ang relationship nyo/natin eh we can’t practice fidelity. we can enjoy the blessings of one-to-one relationship. only if you want to.
comments above me are all saying the same thing - you made your own ghosts so deal with it. wala ka nang magagawa. you screw others, he screws too, but this time, he got you.
not because he’s 18 means he’s “makati”, it’s just that YOU SHOWED HIM THAT IT IS OKAY TO SCREW SOMEBODY EVEN IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
I just hope you made yourself a good example. But you didn’t. Oh well.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:38 am
Tell him you’re hurt and that this time, you want a “close relationship”. If he says no, then close the relationship…do I make sense here..hahaha
November 19th, 2007 at 3:45 am
kagaguhan ang open relationships na yan! anong klaseng tao ang gugustuhing makipag”make love” sa supposedly “mahal” niya, when he knows for a fact na nakipagsex yung “mahal” niya kung kaninu-kanino ilang minuto bago niya?
November 19th, 2007 at 6:16 am
If you want to hang on to your 18 year old boy and if there is consent between you two grown-ups over this relationship (as in you both really love each other), my suggestion is to change the rules of the game. After all, you both established the open relationship rule for your relationship so why not change what you established … and come up with something that you two could honestly agree on without the hurts/ pretense?
November 19th, 2007 at 6:54 am
Haay….just recently i encountered a somewhat similar situation….bata pa cya as in….but we started out serious sa isat isa but eventually nahuhuli ko na cyang may iba ibang ka meet…hiniwalayan ko cya nung una but nakipagbalikan cya and i ended up agreeing sa isang open relationship….ok na sana but still tehre are things that he doesn’t want to share talaga hangang sa nakipag break na lang ako….kaya ko sanang tiisin kaso naisip ko na lang na mas mahalin sarili ko…wala lang share ko lang hehehe….
November 19th, 2007 at 8:03 am
Let go.
November 19th, 2007 at 9:50 am
I had my first ever boyfriend which i truly love and agreed with him on an open long distance relationship. I used to lived with him for a year, until he decided to go back to the Philippines. I know sex is a very impt. aspect of one’s humanity so I agreed on an open relationship since i am not able to provide him sex. I was able to survive for a few months just wanking and he told me he had several casual meet ups already. Until one day I learned he had fallen for this one night stand guy that he had sex repeatedly. He learned to tell lies to me just to make me feel that he still loves me and that everything that happens is purely sex and nothing more to it. That all started my tragedy, now we have been living apart as strangers as if we never knew each other. I know that I still loved him but I lose one very important aspect in a relationship which is trust. Now i regret being very liberal on this open rel. set up, coz it just bring disaster if not tragedy.
November 19th, 2007 at 11:32 am
honestly, i had an open relationship once. It never worked back then, and i don’t think it will ever work. With your set-up, there’s always the risk of the following:
1. he will lie to you. Most Filipino men, despite all the freedom you give them, will not admit to being promiscuous to their partners. He will never tell you before hand, nor will he tell you if he can hide it from you. It’s human nature. They always believe that what yuo don’t know cannot hurt you.
2. he or you will fall for the other guy. You are far away from each other. Unless you’re both super mature and secure with each other, your set up will not work. At this stage, I believe that both your partner and yourself are not ready for this relationship
3. with your current practices, you are both at risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease. you have multiple partners and no one knows for sure how safe they are.
my advice is, to get yourself a real exclusive and monogamous relationship. if you can’t physically be with each other, just use your best friend, Mary Palmer. It’s the truest test of love if you can wait for each other, diba?
November 19th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
letse madrama ang pota bahala ka.face the consequences of ur actions
November 19th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Most 18 year olds aren’t mature enough for a committment anyway. They’ve just learned how hot they are and want to be desired by one and all. Depends if you just want him as a sex partner because they never settle down til they’ve screwed around.
November 19th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
He’s 18 now and you’ve been boyfriends a year and a half? Dude, what were you thinking?
November 19th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
When you enter into a relationship, there is no thing as “open” because the word relationship entails commitment. When there is commitment, the word fidelity comes in. When fidelity is not observed, then there is something wrong especially when lying is involved. Because if you lie it means you don’t trust the other person anymore that he is not capable of accepting everything that you are.
Hiding something from your partner is a no no, especially when if comes to physicial relationship and you are not respecting your partner anymore.
If you are hurt with the agreement that you had before perhaps you could ask him if he is ready for an exclusive relationship. Then if he says he is not, then set him free so you free yourself of emotional baggage and regain your dignity and self-respect.
November 19th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
migs, mas maganda kung yung title nung entry is makakati, hahaha
November 19th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Dear Migs,
As my way of reacting to Max’s story, let me share two stories in which I had personal involvement in the two guys in these stories. The first story happened to the guy I dated two years ago and who regularly slept at my place (I thought we’d become lovers, but it did not happen because I met someone I liked better). Prior to us, I learned that he was in a live-in but open relationship. The idea of having an open relationship came not from him, but from his boyfriend. They had rules: a) both of them must inform the other of his liaison/s, b) no repeat performance with a guy, etc. His boyfriend also brought up the idea of their having a three-way with another guy. His bf was the one who brought home the guys they had three-way with. One time, as my friend and his bf begun having 3-way with this guy that his bf brought home, the bf just suddenly withdrew from the two of them and watched from the side of the bed as my friend and the other guy make out. Then my friend noticed that his bf was crying as he was watching them.
The lovers in my second story had the same arrangement. The younger guy was my classmate in one of my MA classes. I think my classmate started to like this guy he had casual sex with that he learned to hide from his bf their succeeding encounters. Prior to that, the older bf even took pictures of my classmate and the other guy as they were having sex. So the bf knew of my classmate’s involvement with this guy. Then one day, my friend and his new lover just eloped. To retaliate, the bf sent the pics of my friend as he was in different states of undress with the new bf to the e-group of our class. The bf had access to my friend’s email because he was the one who would sometimes send my friend’s paper in class to our teacher. Many of our classmates sympathized with my friend. Of course they did not know of the arrangement between my friend and his former bf. The bf tried to explain his side by sending a message to the e-group saying that he was the one wronged in the situation and that people in the e-group should not judge him harshly.
There are various reasons why lovers, especially gay lovers enter into an open relationship. Others claim that the arrangement strengthens the bond between lovers. Also, some say that it (open arrangement) brings back the heat in a relationship that was already losing inertia because of too much familiarity. But if we notice, the same reason that is said to add spice to an old relationship also causes the split of that relationship. I think, it is because in the end, we are only human and neither the rules of open relationships nor our personal conscience can dictate for whom our hearts would beat (or from whom our loins would generate heat).
Kaya dapat, pag pumasok ka sa ganitong arrangement, handa ka sa consequences.
Btw, this is my first time to post a message here, although I’ve been visiting this site for quite some time now, at napahaba pa message ko. But I like the issues that MGG tackles here.
COMMENT FROM MIGS: Salamat, salamat, John for sharing your stories. Welcome to the commenting community of MGG! Enjoy! *hugs*
November 19th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
Masakit talaga ang katotohanan na ang Bakla, Bisexual, Metrosexual …ay Biologically “MALE” in nature or May Lawit pa ring nalilibugan.
FACT: Male,yes… even gaymen are born POLYGAMOUS!!! Yan ang katotohanan
November 20th, 2007 at 12:55 am
EXCUUUUSE ME LANG MGA PEOPLE!!!! ang daming tumitira sa open relationship so can i JUST SAY, i am in an open relationship for three years now and it works very well for me and my boyfriend. we love each other very much. more everyday! our rule is that our relationship comes first before any of our flings, and unlike MAX, were not supposed to talk about our boys on the side. Why should we? bakit mo naman gustong alamin pa ang mga detalye? MASAKIT PALA? its only because di mo alam ang pinasok mo. The truth is youre clearly not ready for an open relationship. So if you and James love each other, close the relationship, kung ayaw nung kahit isa sa inyo, then its not your time. Bite the bullet.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:16 am
well you said you’ve been lying to each other, what else do you expect of it?
November 20th, 2007 at 11:45 am
eh pinili mo yan eh from the start dapat malinaw lahat! Since pringles ka na sa eksena be brave enough to ask question moreover be brave enough to get ANSWERS! PEACE!!!!!
November 20th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
My 2-cents worth:
- It’s SO easy to say i love you but it is SO VERY hard to make someone feel truly loved.
- I used to be in an open relationship. We lasted close to 6 years. It was an open relationship only in terms of the physical aspect of it. Both of us made sure that the open-ness of the relationship would not have an emotional consequence to it. It can work but it’s not for all couples.
- I think the difficult part in this open relationship that you have is the fact that your partner is just 18 years old. I believe he’s too young, ‘excited’ and curious with life to handle this kind of a relationship. I remember always telling my friends that I endeavor not to be involved with anyone below 24 years old because any younger than that age, means, that the person is most likely to be still defining his being.
- However, if you love the guy and he truly loves you then it’s necessary for you to have a dialogue with your partner. The caveat, though, is you may have to be ready for any consequence that may arise from that undertaking.
All the best!
November 20th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
kailangan pa ba ng advice para dito? kain ka ng kitkat .. lilinaw din pagiisip mo pagkatapos mong makakain ng kitkat!