Falling in Love with A Straight Guy

Here is a letter written by a fellow Pinoy gay man who fell in love with a straight guy. I took the liberty of posting it here because he actually shared it in a public forum — and as I was reading it (woooh, pretty long!) I felt the heart, his heart, speaking through. You may say he’s the typical gay drama queen, but scratch the surface and you will find a sincere person, simply saying: I am a human being, with a heart that can fall in love, REALLY fall in love. The heart does not know man, woman, lesbian, or gay. Love consumes, regardless.

Hear Read his story, and no judgements needed. No matter how painful life can be, I realize it’s such a great thing. I hope you too can find a little bit more courage, a little bit more joy, a little bit more celebration on who you truly are.


* * *

Dear RT,

Hi, I hope your first day in your new job goes well. I’m sure you’ll blow them away with your talent and your work ethics. You’ll be fine, and very successful. That I am sure of. Anyway, I just read your email. I totally understand why you have that feeling and I think Iowe you some answers. The text I sent you isn’t even half of the emotional turmoil I have been going through. But that text message wasn’t intended to make you feel bad. It was just something I had to get off my chest, because if I don’t, I’m gonna explode sooner or later.

I admit that I was the one who distanced myself from you after I revealed my feelings for you in Boracay. As I said, I did not plan on falling in love with you. In fact, I didn’t even think I was capable of that, until it hit me - - and it hit me hard. I really don’t know why I fell for you. Your handsome, that’s a given, but a lot of guys are and I didn’t fall in love with them so I guess that’s not it.

I think it all started with the night you asked me to accompany you to that Sony event in ANTHRO bar. That dance place, remember? (Yes, that event with the sexy host wearing half a mini skirt, and the hordes of hip-hop jologs.) Anyway, that night, I connected with you in a way I have never connected with any other guy before. (I say “I” ’cause I know now that it was just me.) I even came out to you and told you my life story even though we still weren’t that close. And the way you took it was more than great. You were such a gentleman. I guess it was my first time to be exposed to guys like you. Kind-hearted, intelligent, articulate, open-minded, compassionate, funny, masculine while being in touch with your feminine side –- basically I saw a really great man who I thought never existed.

After that, things happened so fast I didn’t even realize it before it was too late. I tried fighting it, because I know that you’re straight and that you had Maita. I kept telling myself, “JC. wala kang laban d’yan! Unang-una wala kang pek-pek. Pangalawa, Maita’s such a lovely girl. Lost cause ‘yan. Awat na.” But what good did it do me? It’s been two years and I still feel the same way for you. (Please don’t freak out.)

And the reason why I have been the asshole that I am is because up to now I am still fighting it. I have all the right reasons to stop being in love with you. That talk we had in Boracay was suppose to be a closure for me. I wanted to move on so badly, and if I didn’t tell you then, there will always be that “what -might-have-been” question. Hard and risky as it was, I told you. Again, you took it like a real gentleman and I will always cherish you for that.

I know I told you that I hope nothing changes after my revelation to you and you assured me that nothing would. Honestly, I felt you did change after Boracay. I noticed that you treated me differently from the rest of your guy or girl friends. But then again, I’m no ordinary “guy” or “girl”. But after I read your letter, I guess you really didn’t treat me differently. It was just me.

Before I would always visit you at your desk to make kwento. I would playfully ruffle or rub your head. I’d give you back rubs when I saw you were tired. Or I simple wanted to make you laugh. But after Boracay, I couldn’t do that anymore. First, because I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Second, I didn’t want you to think that I was taking advantage of your kindness or making you “manyak”. I think I just got too conscious.

Looking back, I know I said I wished nothing will change between us after I told you, but deep inside I think I wanted things to change. I guess I wanted more attention from you, I wanted to have a stronger friendship with you. Since I know you will never love me the way I love you, then friendship is the next best thing. I wanted you to confide in me, ask for my help when you needed it, I wanted to be your shoulder to cry on or punch if needed, I wanted to drink with you when you felt shitty and needed a dose of alcohol, I wanted to cry with you when you felt REALLY shitty, I wanted to celebrate with you when something came up that was worth celebrating, and I wanted to have front row seats to the movie of your life. I wanted to be there for you. I would have given anything for you. (I still would.) I wanted to show you in every way I can, how much you mean to me. At the very least, in a platonic level. But It didn’t happen. But I saw other people connecting and building strong relationships with you, and frankly I envied them. I wanted the same thing for me. So I got frustrated, and hurt.

I tried being ok with it, but every time I saw you, I was reminded of the thing I can’t have. So I tried a different tactic. I distanced myself from you. I figured that, if I did, it will lessen the pain. It didn’t. So I tried to re-connect with you - - in Teak during Penn’s despedida out of all places.

When I heard you were leaving, I felt really bad. The past month, I was preparing myself for your departure that’s why I wasn’t hanging out with you as often as I should have. Because I knew I am gonna miss you. Call it self preservation. But I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to do something special for you before you left, thus the despedida party.

Anyway as I said in my text, we really didn’t get to talk. But I guess this is better since I am able to say everything I want to say. RT, I’m sorry if you got offended with the “chest pain” thing. First of all, that didn’t come from me. That came form the guys. I wrote it in the text in reference to our despedida party teasing. But I guess, the guys did capture what I felt.

I said you caused me chest pains because you are the unrequited love of my life. As you know, just as it can cause so much happiness, love can also cause so much pain. I say this matter-of-factly. I’m not trying to make you fee bad. I know you don’t intend to hurt me, but you just have to be true to yourself. And I respect and admire you for that. But it hurts, nonetheless. And nothing you and I can say or do will change that. Hopefully in time, it will be better.

I also said that you made me realize that I am not the lovable person I wanted to believe I was. It’s true, I’m not saying that you caused it, I am just saying I realized it because of you. I guess it’s just my insecurity speaking. Maybe I refuse to let go of that slightest glimmer of hope, that if I am that better person I want to be, then you would see beyond the sexuality and realize that it’s the connection of souls that matter. That sexuality is just incidental. And that one day you will learn to love me at least a slightest fraction of the way I love you. But that’s just the idealist in me.

I don’t expect anything from you RT. I guess for a time I did, but not anymore. I’m slowly dealing with this and hopefully, in time, I’ll be able to move on. Maybe this distance between us will help. I am also sorry for putting you through this, Any other man would have freaked out and stayed away from me, or worse they would have beaten the shit out of me (or at least try because I can also put up a fight if needed, Marvz and Nic are training me as of the moment).

Now that everything’s out in the open, I hope it’s all clear to you. I feel bad for making you feel bad. That was the last thing I wanted to happen when I sent that text. I do hope that I’ll finally get over this. And hopefully in the future, I’ll find someone who will love me the way I love him.

One thing’s for sure though, I will always remain your friend. I hope you know that. You can count on me for anything and I will always be there for you. I know you are going through a rough time right now and I am so sorry for being inconsiderate of your situation. I guess, we’re both going through our own love problems as of the moment. But I know things will work out for you. And when that happens, just give me a call and we can celebrate together.

But in the meantime, we will have to deal with all these love shit. It’s ironic how people keep falling in and out of love when it can be such a pain in the chest (chest pains, gets?). I guess it’s because, while love does last, it feels fucking great!

Here’s to the next chapter in our lives. And when you need me to make a guest appearance, just give me a holler. Good luck and have a great one RT.

- JC
Looking for Mr. Perfect but found Mr. Perfect-but-not-perfect-for-me-because- he’s -straight.

P.S. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears when I hugged you, the night of your despedida. Thanks for hugging me back.

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23 Responses to “Falling in Love with A Straight Guy”

  1. mcvie Says:

    My gosh, this is sooo ME twenty years ago! And 18 years ago! And 15 years ago! And… gosh, I lost count.

  2. manila gay guy Says:

    hahaha! nahahalata ang age natin, joel! :)

  3. mcvie Says:

    40 and pround of it! (Cuz people say I look younger than my age, hahaha!)

  4. manila gay guy Says:

    i agree! (sana ako rin when i get 40!) hmmm… any beauty secrets to share?

  5. mcvie Says:

    Lots and lots of protein! Chika!

    Seriously, I can only tell you my theories as to why I don’t look 40:
    [1] Oilyness is nest to ugliness. But oilyness actually is the reason why my skin looks younger. Just manage it well… and have facial wipes on-hand.
    [2] I’m always in touch with the college kids. Exposure to the young makes me youthful.
    [3] Laugh. At the world, at oneself. Don’t take things–especially yourself–too seriously.
    [4] Jack off. (Ok, I’m kidding here.)

  6. manila gay guy Says:

    master mcvie! you got my interest with your tip#2! hook me up with your hunky college kids! ngayon pa lang kinikilig na ako! hihihihi! :) *choz!*

  7. gari Says:

    have taken the liberty of reposting this in my blog with proper attribution of source. thanks.

  8. manila gay guy Says:

    go ahead gari… no problemo… thanks for the link love… migs

  9. Richard Says:

    nice story though its heart breaking. pero tlagang ganyan ang love eh

  10. manila gay guy Says:

    yes richard… ako meron ding similar experience, pero i’ll tell story the next time na lang :)

  11. sean Says:

    well, poor you… you’re not the first to have such a problem nor the last… just keep on fighting, try moving on, make yourself busy… i know it’s hard but it’s for your own good…

    it’ll just drive you insane thinking about “the what if’s”, but it’s equally dangerous to be a cynic…

    continue being human
    let your heart beat
    let your mind think
    let tears flow
    it’s the only way
    that your
    give up.

  12. Bryz Says:

    i can relate…. sa straight guy na yan tell him this:

    “Napapagud din ang puso.”


    i love ur blog. Too bad just discovered it recently. Kepp on writing sensible blogs.

  13. eds Says:

    at least you have confessed your true feelings for him… unlike other guys there they’re still hiding what they really felt for that person. im just wishing that you will find the right person for you….. :)

  14. lex Says:


  15. BooG715 Says:

    WOW!!!!…. This shit just brought me to tears, Due to the fact that I`m love with my stright best friend. Who will be married to the most awesome girl in the world. And while I`m very happy he found someone to love him as much as I do, And be happy with. I drink myself to comas trying not to feel like it should be me. I`m very proud of being gay, But I`m truly starting to wish I was straight, Or maybe just dead!!…..

  16. johnny Says:

    oh my God!! this is so me and my straight friend….i’m in tears reading this article…it just hit me straight into my heart…geez!!! Chest pains, i guess?

  17. Little Fish Says:

    LovWaiting for that someone who has the magic to make me fall in love again…

    **************************************** *******************

    Sometimes we close our eyes
    and just listen to the echoes of our hearts.

    We all fall in love
    and there are times when we love so much
    that we lose ourselves in our own emotions.

    More often than not
    we wonder why there are love that grows
    and love that grows cold.

    We would start to search for answers
    and try to find where love has gone wrong.

    But in the end we find ourselves, where we started
    for we cannot question love when it has its own reasons.

    Love will always be as it always has been ….
    silent, mysterious and deeply profound.

    Many of us believe that love is forever,
    that love never dies,
    only to be disillusioned in the end
    when we find our hands empty,
    and our hearts longing.

    We mistakenly have looked at love as a need to be fulfilled.

    But love is only a gift given to us.

    We should not hold it in our hands
    for we may never find the strength to let it go
    when it decides to leave.

    We should only embrace its warmth and glow while it last
    and then freely open our arms
    when its time to say good bye.

    When we fall in love with someone,
    we don’t want that feeling to end
    for it is everything we are,
    everything that we wanted to be.

    We pray that love will stay and grow in our hearts.

    But, if it doesn’t
    then we should never let our lives be taken by it,
    for life should not end where heartaches begin.

    There is always a reason why we have to move on.

    When we have to say goodbye
    to the feelings we wanted to stay forever,
    let us not wave our hands with a heavy heart.

    Love will have to set its wings free
    and find the place where it belongs.

    We may have lost it
    but then again,
    when we close our eyes
    and listen to the echoes of our hearts,
    we hear it resounding silently forever.

    Then we’ll know that it has never left us,
    for the good that we have become because of love will always stay.

    Its always been there reminding us
    that we should be thankful and happy,
    Not because we have lost love,
    but because, for once in our lives,
    that feeling lived in our hearts and make us happy
    e him in a distance and sooner or later you’ll be laughing and smiling. Here’s an article that I found somewhere.
    Hey, guys I did not wrote this…I just forget where and who wrote this. I really wanted to give proper credits and acknowlegement to the writer.

  18. Meister Says:

    My gosh kilala ko yung nagsulat nyang letter na yan! JC happens to be one of the active members of an LGBT friendship group here in the country…and I definitely knew his story.


    Para sa iyo JC…love is a life-long learning process. So just enjoy the journey. :)

  19. DADA Says:

    hmm… reading the story, . . . . going through a very similar episode right now, i mean even helped the guy with getting his girlfriend. Unknowing that this “backfire” could be so strong on myself~ unexpected ouch.

    Seriously aches. . . truely.


  20. Pravilno Says:

    Being nostalgic reading this one… I can’t help but this one is a tear jerker…

  21. ljblogger Says:

    experiencing the same thing right now. nothing really defies us kahit masaktan na tayo basta mapasaya lang natin sila.

  22. sdelacroix Says:

    hayyy. sad…

  23. doms Says:

    unrequitted love will always be a hurtful one…..

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