Chinito, an MGG reader, sent this letter, and is asking for an intelligent opinion regarding his situation. Can you help me give him some advice?
Hey Migs, how’s life?
I’m one of the avid readers of your posts, I really love your articles although I still haven’t tried your podcasts because I don’t know how to.
By the way, the reason why I’m writing this mail is because I’d just like to seek for an intelligent opinion or perhaps an advice on my predicament.
I used to be a proud gay, although I’m not the type who would cross dress or hang out in gay spots, It has become a way of life for me, I don’t get mad when my friends call me bakla or when they tease me with other guys. I’m not really effeminate but I m soft spoken and I dress sophisticatedly and my fingers are always “mapilantik”. I dig Top Model, Mariah Carey and moreno guys, but lately something weird is happening to me.
I m recently with a company based in Manila where I got to make new friends with my co-workers who are mostly guys with no hidden agendas. During the short time I worked with them, it has been fine but no one of them really knew about my sexuality, except for some of my female and gay co-workers who find me queer. My guy friends on the other hand, have no clue about who I really am, because I have this strange desire to act straight, and be one of the boys. I tried to project an image of a rockista, no more Mimi, instead I now listen to the music of Incubus, Chili Peppers and many others. I even disabled my downelink and guys4men accounts. My friendster profile now breathes of masculinity and I deleted all the cute guys I added before. And I m sorry to say this Migs, but I don’t read most of your posts anymore specially the ones with hunky celebrities. Before I used to talk about my celebrity crushes or homosexual escapades with my gay friends, but now live shows featuring women and Pinay hot sites were just some of the topics me and my straight friends monger. During conversations with my guy friends and the GAY topic arises, I just go ahead and talk with them, sometimes even making fun of other gays, simply put pretending that I’m not guilty although deep inside, I really am wishing that we change the topic. Even though I try my best to straighten myself and toughen up, I guess the truth will always come out, I feel that my guy friends have started to feel that I’m not really straight, specially when my female co-workers are cracking jokes or when it seems that they are more comfortable with me than with the other guys. You know what Migs, I even thought of talking to my friends and asking them a favor from them to not treat and call me bakla anymore, I know it’s kind of weird and my friends might not do it but I think it could help me project a manlier, but not necessarily a macho image.
There was one time when me and my co-workers had a drinking session and one of my guy friends is raising queries that could lead to asking me if I m gay or not. I really don’t know how to answer the question “Are you gay?” or something like that. It’s very easy to say YES but I believe that it can affect my friendships especially with the guys, and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t know exactly why, maybe because I m embarking a new path, a straight path perhaps, but one thing’s for sure - I’m not falling for any one of them. On the other hand, if I answer NO, they might believe me, but it’s a very small world, and it won’t take long before my past would catch up with me and they would find out the truth. I m not seeing myself having a relationship or casual sex with a guy in the near future but not with a girl either, although I m quite curious on how it feels to be in a heterosexual relationship. I just want to feel guilt-free but still respected and loved for whatever decision or declaration I make. I thought I really know who I am and what I want, but I guess that’s not really the case.
What do you think Migs? Could I be straight or will I be gay (discreetly or not)? If you were in my shoes, how would you feel and what would you do?
Thanks for your time spent reading my poorly constructed letter, I m looking forward to a response from you. God bless and more power!
Possibly Related Entries:
- Straight-Acting Gay Guy Speaks
- On Bisexuality
- Wanted: Straight Acting Gays
- What If One Day You Wake Up…
- 10% of Straight Men Got Bent
- How to seduce a straight guy
- Baron Geisler and “switching back”
- Straight guy best friend