Only Fools Rush In
Patience is one of the hardest things to learn in life, especially while building relationships. It’s known that gay relationships mature at an accelerated rate, often much faster than relationships between straight couples. Nonetheless, one thing heteros and homos have in common is the time it takes to find the right mate. (lifted from Take Your Time While Building Gay Relationships by Ramone Johnson, About.com) Along these lines, let me share something quite personal here. I’m recently “singled” from a 3-year relationship which I took very seriously. As soon as some people got to know about my separation, there is this friend who started to invite me out. Let’s call him Archie.
I’ve known Archie for more than 4 years already, and we’ve been quite comfortable with each other as friends. Even while he worked abroad, we still remained in contact. Now that we’re both in Manila, and as mentioned, when I separated from my ex, Archie started to send signals. Not subtle signals. In one of those text conversations, talking about when we can meet for dinner, this SMS exchange occurred:
Archie: Migs, naisip ko lang, what is the point of dating kung di rin lang magiging tayo? It will just hurt me more!
Migs: We’re getting to know each other, right?
Archie: Habang tumatagal para mo akong pinapatay eh!
(I did not reply right away… then he texted again…)
Archie: Basta sabihin mo lang sa akin na ayaw mo talaga sa akin, at least matatahimik na ako.
Migs: That’s not fair… I just recently separated, and need some time to recover — how can you expect me to fall in love right away?
Archie: Binura ko na number mo before thinking it’s better for me kasi di ko makaya maghintay. Now you’re letting me hang again!
Migs: Sabi ko nga, we should spend some time getting to know each other.
Archie: We’ve been acquainted for more than 4 years!
Migs: Yes but iba na ang context ngayon. Besides, I need to recover nga muna di ba?
Archie: Gusto mo ba ako, o ayaw mo sa akin, Migs?
(I did not know how to answer. Still some moments pass… then…)
Archie: Goodbye.
And so Archie went away. Sad, but I am sure in my heart that someone will come along and take it easy with me. This time I wish it will be not just for the right man, but also for the right reasons, and at the right time. Sounds idealistic, but that too is just fine with me.
Now, dear friends, dear readers — do you think I should have handled the situation differently? Would love to know what you think! Any advice you can give me?
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January 12th, 2007 at 10:15 am
tama lang yun. i would have done the exact same thing.
then again, you could have given a tiny, tiny sliver of hope, hehe. that was probably all he wanted. mukhang pwede naman di ba, but you just wanted to take your time. something along the lines of “maybe, maybe… but we need to get to know each other more nga eh…”
January 12th, 2007 at 10:27 am
You’re probably right, Miguel. Sometimes (and my friends say ALWAYS) I have this need to be in control… and so perhaps when I felt that the situation was too unfamiliar (the feeling of being recently “singled” plus someone knocking on the door too abruptly and too rushed…) I immediately put up my defenses, thus the need to take things much more slowly. I should have been kinder to Archie.
January 12th, 2007 at 10:52 am
well migs… i think it’s really good that you didn’t jump into that relationship at such a quick pace.. the mere fact na katatapos pa lang ng isang relasyon should send him a signal na kapag naging kayo agad.. REBOUND lang yun..
the situation would be unfair for the both of you.. and both of you would get hurt.. the desired results? i don’t think so..
January 12th, 2007 at 11:01 am
I would say that I would have done what you did. It’d be unfair for both of you to’ve gone into a relationship knowing one party had just come out of a relationship. I don’t get what “Archie” wanted to prove - (1) di siya takot maging “rebound” guy or (2) transitioning from “friends” to “lovers” is easy. Sayang, he’d waited already for 4 years, what’s another few months? Might be a cliche already but I still think “Good things come to those who wait…”
January 12th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Homie! “Good things come to those who wait…†- I like that! Very encouraging
January 12th, 2007 at 11:50 am
i just thought….maybe…..you should have given him a chance……….who knows….it might just have worked…..sbi nga nila,,, when God closes a door…he opens up a window…and maybe thats him….
January 12th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
If you really like him, and think a relationship could work one day, then give him that sliver of hope. If he really cares for you, he will understand and wait til you’re ready. If you rush into a relationship, you could just as easily rush out again.
January 12th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
I’ve got a different view. Why MOURN an old relationship? The opportunity presented itself. If you’ve known him for four years, getting to a relationship with him will still be a continuing GETTING-TO-KNOW situation. Maybe, he was just waiting for you to be single again. And when he proposed and was turned down, he felt rejected. Di ba, masakit ma-reject. Yes, you’re in the process of healing, but as I said in my previous replies, ‘Love, and when it hurts, Love some more’. It’s not the end, maybe, just maybe, he’s still there. The question is, are you there for him? Are you ready?
January 12th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
I’m in a relationship at the moment for 3 years we’ve been seeing each other almost 24/7 we are not just lovers but business partners as well. Our relationship been shaken from time to time and I would say, sometimes I felt like letting him go.
Now, about this Archie……well, Miguel…you not only lost a potential lover but a good friend too. Lovers come and go….hurtaches and pains heals. A good and true friend stays. He loves you and waited for a long time for you to be single again….but, when you are just arms away, you rejected him….that hurts too much. Mahirap maghanap ng Dodong sa buhay natin.
January 12th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
now this is something. i’ve been thinking about the same thing. i’ve recently been in the same situation, albeit in archie’s shoes(yeah i also deleted the guy’s number, too bad i’ve already memorized it :p). in my case, i would have taken ‘maybe’ for an answer. just something to get me by, that this person i’m longing to be with is also considering me.
you do have a point, hearts are fragile things and yours is still healing. but don’t put up a wall; you’ll never know what you’re missing on the other side.
January 12th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Tama lang yung ginawa mo. You were being true to yourself AT THAT POINT IN TIME. All these “what ifs” and “maybes” are possibilities and have not yet happened. Live in the present.
I think he was also being too pushy; ang demanding niya, ha. I believe you were being kind by not leading him on. That way both he and you can move on, instead of hovering on “what ifs”.
January 12th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
@alex - maybe….
@ian - i was thinking, isn’t agreeing to go out with him (date?) equivalent to a sliver of hope?
@jo - “Love, and when it hurts, Love some more”… so difficult for me, for now. don’t worry, i’ll get there.
@Little Fish - if i had it my way, i really would not rush the crossover from friendship to love. and if indeed i have lost him as a friend, that is so sad.
@prock - i was agreeing to see him, have dinner, you know, date-date… i thought it was much more than just a “maybe.”
@mcvie - we’re in synch. see you soon with “G” ha.
January 12th, 2007 at 11:05 pm
hay ang drama nung archie. Wala man lang respeto na your still on the “aching” stage. Buti nga pumayag ka pa sa date. Nanakot pa na buburahin number mo. Edi burahin. Tignan mo gagawa rin ng paraan yun para malaman ulit number mo. Or for all we know memorize na niya number mo hahaha.
If he truly likes you he is willing to wait. Mali yung ginawa nya.
Yun lang ;p
January 13th, 2007 at 1:06 am
ay naku! maghanap ka na lang kasi ng tunay na babae! try mo kaya! o kaya sundin mo yung payo ni Pokwang sa movie -Da Lucky Ones: I-trrrryy mo kayang mag-suot ng hikaw na dangling! Mas bagay sa yo!
teka! am i making sense? siyet bangag na naman ang lola niyo! may hada kasi! hahahaha
January 13th, 2007 at 1:11 am
First of all I am sorry to hear that even three years of getting to know each other ended up in not being together.
Second, having said that, if I were in love with you and waited four years until you were single out of respect for you and the love you bore, then maybe I would still be available for you. Maybe just being there and hope that I, as friend lover or both be there for you, until you’re ready. Maybe, as long as you didn’t use me up like I was something from the cr of an mrt station.
third, having had hurt and being all sensitive, archie at least had the good fortune of you not having used him to cradle your hurt ego. (Admit it. One can’t help but feel hurt and vulnerable after a love has failed or died.) Maybe migs you should read love in the time of cholera. Or archie should.
Lastly (grabe na to too much free time) learn from the masters. Love cannot be found where it truly does not exist. Maybe that is why God is love. He either is or isn’t.
I don’t know how long a person heals after a broken heart. Hopefully never is not an option. But I’ve been stupid and careless before, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be Gump about love just because we got hurt once, twice or a million times (dramamin masakit na ulo ko). So honestly, if you felt you weren’t ready, that’s valid enough. But since you’re asking, that tells alot about what you’re feeling and not saying migs.
January 13th, 2007 at 2:13 am
there’s always a reason why it needs to happen. malay mo ako lang pala ang hinihintay mo..
January 13th, 2007 at 2:28 am
hi Migs…I just read your post and I so can relate to it…I admire your decision of not giving in right away, especially people likes us seem to be very aggressive especially if its something to do with relationships…but I also sympathize on how Archie feels, I cant blame him for saying such words/text I mean I’m sure we can so relate to that–you-running-out-words and (I assume) if he was mad that time, he doesn’t mean anything to hurt you, maybe he was just heart broken or he was expecting something so bad from you I mean he was there with you for four years, lest face it, he wasn’t just there to be with you, he was there to help you move on, help you somehow heal, the best shoulder to give—but he thought he failed…maybe failure for him is not easy ( same as to everyone)…But if he truly loves you ( I’m sure he does) he will come back and set things up right , I bet the last thing he wanted in this crazy world is not having you in his arm and loved by his warm heart…
…I was once hurt—very hurt…moving on was so painful but yet fighting for the right one is worth for ones life. I wish you the best Migs…always remember you will have million of advices, but at the end of the day, its still you who will have the last move. Take care..
PS. I hope you won’t mind, I added you to my link. Ü
January 14th, 2007 at 12:04 am
ano ba to? at naging issue pa man din? hehehe..in fairness..i love the drama of it all…
January 14th, 2007 at 3:07 am
hi guys, thanks for posting your thoughts! i appreciate it.
by the way, chriscapade, i’m just curious… bakit “malay mo ako lang pala ang hinihintay mo..” hehehe!
January 14th, 2007 at 8:20 am
I think you handled it the way it should be. Emotions and feelings is not a lamp that you can just switch on and off at any given time. No person can impose a time frame and pressure you to commit to him if you are not over your previous relationship. In the long run it would be another heartbreak for the both of you.
January 14th, 2007 at 11:38 pm
Opporunity comes to PASS… not to PAUSE! kaya magdusa ka ateh! hehe.. sayang ayan tuloy loveless ka.. kidin aside, quit the blame game its ur choice not chance.. that determines destiny! gudluck migs!
January 15th, 2007 at 9:44 am
You did what you have to do. You know in your heart and mind when’s the time for you to fall again and when that happens, there won’t be any second thought. If he can’t wait, he isn’t worth it.
January 16th, 2007 at 2:53 am
to talaga si Migs.. di na mabiro.
langit ka lupa ako.. imposibleng magkatagpo.
January 16th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
@chriscapade - drama mo! langit at lupa talaga ha! hehehe. chill out, dapat sa atin, walang social stratification noh!
January 16th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
hook me up migs. di pa ako nagkaka bf. women marami na have 3 kids na nga pero di ko alam how to tell my parents and my friends kung cno talaga ako.
sad nuh 27 na ako and i fear that i might grow old with a pang of regret for not living my life the way i want to. sana di pa naman huli..kung me kilala kang single hook me up.
what the heck! eto friendster account ko pare : http://www.friendster.com/lupeeeht
thanks.
norman
January 17th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
natexph,
Naku, bat nag out ka dito.. hehe
Next time be careful po.
January 18th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
chel:
so looooooong have i waited for a chance like this…lol
January 20th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
hi migs, i had mix reaction on it… i mean, you should be flattered kasi there’s another guy waiting for you. not all guys has that guy na been waiting for them… ganda mo .. in which i know naman na maganda ka… este.. cute and gwapo pla… peace tayo… yun nga lang umalis na cya… who knows he might go back as well and live happily ever after… hehehe…
sabi nga sa kanta…
I’m ready this time
I know that I’m no longer undecided
Don’t wanna be
A fool wondering what might have been
also, most of the PLT (people like them) always wait for time like this to hook and conquer the emptiness and loneliness of the person para mapa-ibig kasi most of the time when a person who is empty and sad they are very vulnerable to give in.. buti na lang you didn’t give in… hinde mo pa ba sya nakikilala ng lubos for that 3years ??? for sure naman na nakilala mo na sya kahit papano…
pero sa kabilang banda tama din ang ginawa mo to tell him na ur still on the process of recuperating and i feen na minamadali ka na nya to decide…
on the part of archie, kawawa naman cya kasi he’s been waiting na for you.. i just don’t know if he has an extra curricular pa… hehehe… kasi normally in the span of 4years you can tell your mind and heart kung mahal mo ba talaga sya…
this is just wat i feel for the situation.. anyhow, i know some that had 4 or 5 more relationship kaya mas alam nila… i just had 1 and tama na yun… at least i have felt how to love and to be loved… nyehehehe…
January 20th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
hullo migs. i kind of sympathize with Archie because the guy seems really into you and i’ve always been the one na naghihintay, atat na atat to jump into a relationship either because i’m just lonely or because i’m really into someone and mostly because i think courtship is crap. on the other hand, you may have been right to put it off for a while if you’re not that sure pa because it’ll just ruin whatever good thing you may have going. just don’t end up being the one who makes habol in the end because of your seemingly valid reason na ‘you just came out of a relationship’. so did a lot of people, Migs. peace. Ãœ