The Opposite of Happiness
On 2/22/07 roger wrote:
i find it so hard to be gay.
i constantly think of taking my life.
the day i die will be a good day.
- o -
On 2/22/07, Migs wrote:
Why is it so hard?
- o -
On 2/25/07, roger wrote:
almost all aspects i’m afraid.
relationships with parents.
family.
society.
finding a real realtionship.
no worries migs.
- o -
On 2/25/07, Migs wrote:
They say that the opposite of love is not hate — but indifference.
I say the opposite of happiness is not loneliness – but fear.
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February 25th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
but isn’t fear, at this point in time, still a major part of the community?.. aside from external circumstances, like hate crimes and discrimination, there are a lot of internal factors too..like the family.. and finding that someone…
as five for fighting said..”it’s not easy to be me”…
February 25th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
ahhh, I kinda disagree. Being fearful can be both stimulating and exciting, if you’re doing something and might get caught in the act. Hehe. I think the opposite of happiness is the feeling of entrapment. Roger’s unhappy because he can not find a solution to get to his goal of being openly gay and be accepted at the same time. He feels trapped.
February 25th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
real relationship. everyones fear is of finding someone for a long term. you may find someone you would somehow thought it is forever, excitement at first yet each others feelings will slowly disappear when you found out that there are two sides of a coin. this is normally what happens because were gay, most of us thought that there are many fishes in the ocean but it then “long term” is hard to find.
family.this is hard. but not for me. my parents has accepted it although I know they have had hard time of finding how I became one. I think this is just my pursuit of happiness.
society.this is the conflict between you, yourself, your family, your friends. learn to cope with all them and you will have a good equilibrium.
—just a though—
February 25th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
i kind of agree with what N said. happiness is a choice and somehow it follows that the opposite of happiness is simply not choosing to be happy.
i don’t know if i’m making any sense. perhaps, one of my favorite quotes might help:
“contrary to what most of us believe, happiness does not simply happen to us. It’s something that we make happen…”
~Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
February 25th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Love is the most important thing on the planet. Unfortunately it is not very common. True love does not put conditions on others. Human beings are not very good at loving without conditions. Wanting what another person wants or desires, and being supportive is a good place to start. And we can all do this in an effort to make the world a better place.
February 25th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
To clarify the last comment, I mean wanting for a friend, family member or partner what he or she wants is a way to show support and love. That’s my opinion.
February 25th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
i hope roger comes to terms with exactly is plaguing him.
if you’re reading this, roger, life is not life without challenges and hurdles. it becomes boring and not worth living. only when we have challenges does life become more colorful and exciting.
your problems may seem daunting, but if you deal with it one problem at a time, then it’ll be easier.
rest assured that you’ll have friends, be they online or real life friends, to consult and talk to.
good luck
February 25th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
The opposite of happiness is FAILURE… of what you might say, it’s your failure to be happy…
February 25th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
ay naku! … another dramatic tale of another miserable gay guy! what else is new?
kasi naman - magpakatotoo ka sister!!!
and the truth will set you free! ay shet! masyado yata akong madaming napanood na movies!
whatever!
ps. tignan mo si migs … bading na bading kaya ang saya saya ng buhay niya! charing!
February 25th, 2007 at 11:50 pm
umm..anton it depends on the situation of the person your talikng to, how he was raised, his family, friends, work. there are alot of ramifications by coming out likr that “sister” At the moment my bf…. or shall we say ex bf is getting married soon. forced into marriage by his parents. Im filipino and he is sri lankan. We both live in sri lanka. His parents and friends have no idea about him being gay. He got engaged to “her” on feb 11th. that was supposed to be our 1 year. Now he is torn between his love for me and his obligation to his parents, especially his mother. Society dictates here in sri lanka. People here are such traditionalists. He’s really effed up right now and im so effing confused. Really dont know what to do. He tells me he has no choice but to get married….as coming out in sri lanka is not an option. I really dont know what to do. ok wait i know this comment is getting a bit sidetracked but please read on. He tells me na he cant live withou me and he keeps asking me if even after he gets married will i be there for him? I love him with my whole being…but i cant take being second place, or being the third wheel, and hello, we’ll never be able to live “our” life together. Were stuck. Its really difficult letting go kasi the reason for us not to be together is not because we weren’t meant for each other but because society wont allow it. I just feel lost and confused right now. i dont know how to move on. I just met him yesterday again. First time i met him after the engagement. we had a few drinks and he dropped me home, we didnt talk about it. he just looked into my eyes the whole time. before i go out of the car he took my hand hand and kissed it…loked at me and said thank you. i didnt ask what he meant by that just smiled back (holding back my ters) and left. he hasnt called me yet. migs if you’ve got anything to say id really appreciate it.
sorry anton maton for “anothr dramatic tale of anothr miserable gay guy”
February 26th, 2007 at 2:09 am
anton maton says: kasi naman - magpakatotoo ka sister!!!
and the truth will set you free! ay shet! masyado yata akong madaming napanood na movies!
+++++++++++++++
i think his problem is not about being true to himself. he already admits to himself that he’s gay. his problem is the PEOPLE around him.. he doesn’t control their minds and he’s afraid of rejection, and discrimination from them……..
February 26th, 2007 at 3:23 am
Actually I find happiness difficult to define. It is a state of being that has a very broad definition but whoever defines it, knows when he is experiencing it. Yes, fear can indeed be the opposite of happiness but so can sadness, anger, frustration, misery, anguish, anxiety and any other emotions that connote loss of control. If someone doesn’t have control of one’s state of being, that someone is in a negative state of emotion and this makes for an unhappy situation. So I say, lack of control is the opposite of happiness. For any person, especially a young person without any support from anywhere, coming to terms with his sexuality and not having control as to how his parents, family or society at large will react to his identity can be very overwhelming.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:07 am
sorry for all the drama guys.
truth is dito lang naman ako nagdradrama.
on the outside you’d be surprised how i am “overflowing with happiness” but no one knows the sadness inside of me.
rest assured i am doing everything in my power to be happy - which is focusing on more important things: positive things in life, good work, good friends, good family, good health, a spiritual life.
sometimes nga lang i do remember that i can’t be the person i want to be - whether it be the straight man / son my parents want me to be (my folks are born again), or even the husband my partner wants to marry.
in anycase no one is perfect.
we do the best we can.
sorry for the drama.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:11 am
for bugoy:
when i get “stuck” i stay still and pray.
God shows me naman where, what to do next.
NO one can say homosexuals are not God-fearing.
February 26th, 2007 at 11:08 am
The opposite of Happiness is…
Is indeed, FEAR.
Gaya-gaya…puto-maya!
Wala yata ako masabi ngayon….
Nasabi na lahat above.
Ito na lang…
Fear is a challenge…turn it into something good and beautiful. Fear either make us strong or weak…..ah ewan! basta ako….I will embrace and love life so that life will love me back.
February 26th, 2007 at 11:44 am
I too agree with roger that being gay is indeed hard. but you know what, i believe that this is the perfect moment to prove your worth as a human. Show the world that you are worthy of the life that God has given you. not being a priest here but you have to admit that its true. fear is part of life and you have to live with it. it can never be eliminated. and so is hope and courage. Hope is a slight or a drop of faith that will help you through in the times of chaos and fear. Courage exists because when you hope, you learn to move on forward despite of fear. so fight
February 26th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
di kaya d opposite of happiness is nopenis? heheh charing lang mga tita!imagine the world without water..
February 26th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
ay siyet! may fans club talaga ako! …feeling lang! kasi illusiyonada din ako!
sige na nga… patulan ko na daw! let me elaborate when i say ‘magpakatotoo ka sister!’
ganito kasi yon -
your own personal happiness depends on you - not on the people around you. agree?
kaya depressed ang pekpek ng Lola Roger niyo (yun ka chat ni migs) ay dahil afraid siya sa mga relationships with peyrents, family, society … bakit siya afraid? kanino ba galing ang pagiging afraid .. di ba sarili niya? ano ang dapat niyang gawin para di maging afraid sa peyrents, family society, etc? if he expects all of them to accept him - then he should initiate the move to be accepted - kaya magpakatoo siya! di ba?
ngayon - kung sinabi niya sa peyrents and family niya na cocksucker siya at di siya matanggap - puwede niyang buweltahan ang peyrents at sabihin sa kanila na ang peyrents niya ang may kasalanan kung bakit bading siya kasi mali ang nagkahalong x & y chromosomes noong nag-dyug ang peyrents niya para gawin siya! (joke lang! pero totoo di ba?) ay basta … sabihin niya na lang na dugo pa rin siya ng peyrents niya kaya tanggapin na lang. ganon!
kung palayasin siya ng balay - eh di lumayas! im sure financially independent naman siguro si Lola Roger! Mag-solo na lang siya … magiging masaya siya!
ngayon … para naman diyan sa mga bading na napipilitang magpakasal kasi yun ang kagustuhan ng peyrents niyo - magpakatotoo kayo sa peyrents niyo! sabihin niyo na bading kayo at di kayo magiging masaya sa pinapagawa nila sa inyo! it’s your life you are trying to live (not theirs) at sabihin niyo hindi kayo magiging masaya sa buhay na may-asawa with a girl. (at the same time magiging unhappy din ang girl dahil sa huwad na kasalan - nagdamay pa kayo, di ba?) kung tunay na mahal kayo ng peyrents niyo dapat gusto nila kayong lumigaya. WHY WOULD YOUR PARENTS MAKE YOU SUFFER BY FORCING YOU TO GET MARRIED TO A GIRL? PINAPARUSAHAN BA KAYO? eh kung aminin niyo kasi na bading kayo - matutuloy pa ba ang kasal? di ba? - kailangan niyo magpakatotoo!
ay naku! leche talaga! ayaw na ayaw ko pa naman sumulat ng mahaba! nasasayang lang ang oras ko!
jan na nga kayo! nakakainis!
lech!
February 26th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Don’t be scared to be someone you want to be, do things you want to do and live life the way you want to. Those who matter won’t mind and those who mind won’t matter.
February 26th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
i hope i can share my problems with you guys…i would u to hear my love story…its really hard and painful to be one of us!?
February 26th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
AARON: Isumbong mo kay Migs!
February 26th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Mcvie: Sumbong ba agad? haha.
Aaron_11: You have the option of sharing it with us (by emailing Migs). While we cannot provide a resolution for every issue that this brings about, we can try our best to make this better for you. Take care.
February 26th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Suicide is to decide to hate one’s self. Either think of it as Scylla and Charibdis. One is devouring one’s self and others.
It has been stated that suicide is the highest among homosexual males. Why is that? The sense of isolation and self loathing seems to predominate.
Community is necessary to show that you are not alone. Much like “Contact” the movie that said, After going all over the universe what we discovered best was each other.
MIGS, just being there for somebody is all we can do. It gets lonely that we can’t be attractive or be thought of as someone for good, just for now.
If N wants to take his life, that only proves the point of being isolated. But if you can reach out (like that Dustin Hoffmann and Andy Garcia movie with the girl with big hair Gina Davis, Hero ) then maybe the life you save is your own.
February 27th, 2007 at 12:02 am
flaunting yuor homosexuality to the world is not always the solution, ineng.. subukan mong mag flaunt ng homosexuality sa iran at tignan mo kung di ka mabitay sa public square…..
i believe the opposite of happiness is Loneliness. kaya if you don’t fit anywhere/discriminated/alienated/ maiisip mo wala ka ng silbi dahil walang nagmamahal sa iyo(hindi worthy of love and respect). the best way is to find GLBT support….. find people who will accept you. make friends with other gays who will help/guide you.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:27 am
sa tingin ko the opposite of happiness is the lack of reason to be happy. kasi minsan kailangan din nating maging sad to figure things out pero it doesn’t mean that you’re not happy.
February 28th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
Roger, my heart ached when I read you say that “no one knows the sadness inside of me” and “the day I die will be a good day.”
It is true that, to some extent, each of us faces pain that is unique according to our individual circumstances. But there are indeed people who understand that level of sadness that you are facing, because they have gone through the same dark valleys themselves.
The reason that my heart ached is because my boyfriend used to make nearly-identical statements when he was going through difficult times. Though he had introduced me to his sister, making her the first family member he came out to, he was terrified about coming out to his mother, thinking she might reject him. All the aspects of his life and our relationship became stressful for him because he had so much fear of the unknown consequences of his coming out.
And, sometimes this fear and stress would send him to a very dark place in his mind, where he would believe that his family would be better off, that I would be better off, if he were gone. Sometimes, all I could do was just lay down behind him, wrap my arms around him, and just repeat over and over again to him how much I loved him.
But he found himself in a dark place again one morning when I was out of the house. He called me and said some things that raised my concern, so I hurried home, and as I walked into the house, I heard the crash behind the locked bedroom door, and the horrible noises that followed as he stepped off the bed and hung himself from a rope tied to the ceiling. The only way I could get into the bedroom was by running outside and climbing into the house through a window using a ladder. But I was too late. I frantically tried to get the rope off his neck, but as I took him down, he was already gone. As the paramedics arrived, I stood there holding my dead boyfriend in my arms, sending my life into a spiral downward that I could never have imagined.
But I learned something precious during that darkest time of my life (about a year and a half ago now, so I’m still working a bit on being recovered, but making good progress). What I learned that has turned me into a survivor instead of another victim is that, the reason it seems that “no one knows” is because we are simply in a very dark place that we can’t find our way out of. But often the darkness and fear is only in our minds.
My boyfriend’s mother (the one he was so terrified of rejection from), as it turned out, already knew that we were lovers, and she cried with me and thanked me for loving him and trying to help him. My boyfriend’s sister told me I was as a brother to their family now. The entire family surrounded me with love, and at my boyfriend’s wake, I sat in the front and center seat by the coffin, along with the family.
But the one I loved with all my heart is gone from me, and I can’t bring him back. I have gone through pain and grief that I cannot describe, from the constant nightmares and flashbacks of finding him to the loneliness of sleeping by myself in our bedroom to the frustration of so many unanswered questions of why he didn’t ask me for help as he had done so many times before.
Roger, I don’t know you and your circumstances specifically, but I promise you this… the day you die will NOT be a good day. And the grief that suicide brings is beyond description to the very people you love the most. Even a year and a half later, now that I am finally past the most intense grieving, I find that I am permanently changed–more melancholy and somber than I used to be. My life will never be the same, I know.
I know, from many, many difficult nights when my boyfriend was struggling with his deep depression, that it is very hard to keep any sort of perspective when you are facing those fears and pain, but please, if nothing else remember this…you are never alone. It’s true that perhaps there may not be anyone else who can understand completely the specific things you are facing, but they don’t need to understand….they just need to be there and hold you and let you know you are loved.
Migs and others, I’m sorry I wrote so much here, and I’m sure my thoughts may seem somewhat scattered, but I hope that anyone facing the pain that my boyfriend did will not follow the path that he did. Stay close to those who care about you…they are your life preserver and can hold you above the water when you don’t think you have the strength to swim any longer.
Best wishes to you,
Eukolos
(Mahal kita, Alfredo. I will never forget you!)
February 28th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Eukolos - what tragedy! Thanks for sharing it here. I was teary eyed reading your piece. I’m tongue-tied, don’t know what to say, but thanks for taking time to share — I know many of us here can learn a nugget of life lesson from your story.
March 1st, 2007 at 11:18 am
To paraphrase Star Wars’ YODA,
“FEAR is the path to the dark side.
FEAR leads to ANGER,
ANGER leads to HATE,
HATE leads to SUFFERING.”
True, isn’t it?
March 1st, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Eukolos…thank you!
March 12th, 2007 at 1:27 am
eukolos, i feel sorry for you. at least it just proves that gays are true lovers! but still life continues. more power to u!