Fishes In A Terrarium
I have this group of gay friends — they are a special bunch. Like fishes in a terrarium. Nothing in the way they move, speak, or dress up would suggest they are gays. They are what some people call the truly straight-acting, “walang bahid ng kabadingan.” In one of our usual weekend drinking sessions, it just happened that I was seated beside Gus. What an interesting conversation it was.
Gus is married, with 2 kids. I joked about his being so lucky that his 2 kids are both girls — “at least hindi ka kakabahang may magmana sa iyo!” To which he gamely responds with “oo nga no!” followed by a hearty laugh.
I asked, “alam ba ng misis mo?”
“Di ah!!!” but then he related one instance. “Minsan nag-away kami ni misis. May nakita siyang MMS sa phone ko. Tinanong niya ako, ‘bakla ka ba?’ Siyempre nag-deny ako. Iyak siya ng iyak. Nag-sex kami nun, para lang masabi niyang di ako bakla.”
I was so amused with his stories that it was like a TV interview. I kept asking questions, and he gamely answered them, sometimes in juicy and gory details.
“Noong una akala ko kapag nag-asawa na ako, mapipigilan ko na ito,” referring to his sexual preference. “Hindi pala, `tol. Ganito na talaga ako, kahit ano pang gawin ko. In born yata talaga. Hinahanap-hanap ko talaga. Minsan nga di ako tinitigasan sa misis ko.”
I asked, “saan ka mas nag-e-enjoy, sa babae o sa lalake?”
Faster than I can take another swig of my ice-cold beer, Gus answered, “No contest — mas gusto ko ang lalake.”
He followed up with a question, “Ikaw Migs, stable ka na naman, bakit di ka mag-asawa?”
I answered with another question, “ma-re-recommend mo ba iyang sitwasyon mo sa iba?”
That took him some time to answer. Then finally he did. “Nag-asawa ako kasi gusto ko talagang magka-anak. Pero sa tanong mo, kung marerecommend ko mag-asawa ang tulad natin? Hindi.”
Possibly Related Entries:
July 1st, 2007 at 3:16 pm
galing! straight to the point ang papa Gus…
July 1st, 2007 at 4:28 pm
astig ng mga sagot ah hehehe.
July 1st, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Gus I love you na! hahahahaha!
July 1st, 2007 at 4:48 pm
This scares me, sana hindi gay bf ko. (no offense sa lahat)
July 1st, 2007 at 5:08 pm
cliogoddess — tama ka dyan! there’s really no easy, cut-and-dried way of knowing if a guy is gay. Same predicament yan sa mga straight-acting guys who are looking for their kind. Mahirap maghanap ng katulad.
July 1st, 2007 at 6:52 pm
sino na ang mas nakakaawa? si gus? ang mga anak? ang misis?
July 1st, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Life’s full of tough choices.
July 1st, 2007 at 10:55 pm
insightful!
July 1st, 2007 at 11:01 pm
ouch
July 1st, 2007 at 11:33 pm
Thanks for this, I guess. I wouldn’t say that it helped me as I got more bothered because of this, but at least it’s good to see examples that you can relate with. Yeah, I also wanted to get married and have kids of my own, but I know there’s “something wrong” with me, that’s why I can’t fully commit to any female right now. I have not engaged into any hanky-panky business with the same sex yet, but the thought always comes to my mind. Darn.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:34 pm
migs, kayo nalang kaya ni gus ang mag-asawahan?
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:07 am
Im planning to have kids someday.. yung talagang anak ko at gusto ko marami. Kaso nkakatakot nga kung sakaling you found out na may nagmana sa kabadingan mo. Its hard na maging ganito… pero enjoy! ahehehe!
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:09 am
he’s so honest. i like him.
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:35 am
Dat gus seem to be one interesting guy… but not as interesting as migs!
July 2nd, 2007 at 3:52 am
From what I see, Gus’s life is both happy and sad. Happy, because he is able to present a sense of normality (a nuclear family) to the world (outside of his gay circle). Sad, because it is only a façade. Happy, because he has two lovely children (girls) that I’m sure he loves very much. Sad, because (coming from a gay man)he still believes that having a gay child is something bad or negative. Happy, because he is able to achieve a semblance of a happy life with his wife. Sad, because their life together is based on dishonesty and deceit. Happy, because he finally realized that getting married to a woman, is not going to change his true nature. Sad, because now he has to live with the consequences. In the end, the fact that Gus himself can’t recommend his chosen life to someone else is very telling. This is not a judgment on Gus’s life or the choices he made, because I believe I don’t have that right. Rather, they are honest observations from someone standing on the outside. Migs’ description of it as “fishes in a terrarium” is very apt – pretty to look at but very artificial and limited existence.
July 2nd, 2007 at 8:11 am
I believe the title of your article should be “Fishes in an Aquarium” or better yet “(Like) A School of Fish in an Aquarium”. Plants thrive in a terrarium, not fish.
This article was very insightful. Gus should also bear in mind that there may be a possibility his girls may grow up to be lesbians. Its far more important that married men, whether straight or gay, should pray that their children grow up to be responsible and nurturing individuals.
Keep those new articles coming, Migz. And please, have your CPU fixed or something. The internet traffic to your website is oftentimes terribly congested.
July 2nd, 2007 at 9:18 am
sad…for one important thing ur all homophobic…
July 2nd, 2007 at 11:38 am
:-\ i feel bad for his wife..
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Eugene, i think Migs meant the title to mean people being in a place that’s not really for them. other than that, you have a very good point
Margs, i feel bad for his wife, too, but i’m sure they both love (at least loved) each other. I don’t think Gus can afford to come out to his wife because of her initial reaction. It is quite a shock and a very traumatizing experience to discover that the man you had two beautiful children with fancies men, too. I had an office mate who went through that and up until today, she’s still in denial.
Migs, Kudos!
July 2nd, 2007 at 2:28 pm
I like Ace’s “observations”. I’d like to have friends like you, very sensible.
July 2nd, 2007 at 9:10 pm
malansang isda sa isang bote? tagalog ng title mo?
July 2nd, 2007 at 11:18 pm
Hey Migs! Thank for posting this medyo na enlightened ako. I admit that I’m among those young PLU who wanted to raise a family of his own. My problem is that I’m always held back by my fears of not being fathfull to my wife and be a worthy partner. Many times in the past I took a gf. I truly loved them and often times we had a great sex life at the start, but at the latter part. My urges will run into me thus my relationship with my GF will turn sour resulting to a break-off. Sometimes the reason is not just my urges but also because of guilt. There was a time that I had to let go of “bring home to mama” type of girl because I felt I’m not worthy of her. Those were the times in which I’m juggling my time between her and my FUBU. I’m sick and tired of my situation and explaining to her all the time so I decided to let her go.The bad thing is that I dont feel any kind of affection to my FUBU yet its him that I didnt let go. Her agonies is unbearable to me and during our separation I digested her painfull words without any rebuttal that later I almost become suicidal to a point when the whole thing began sinking into me,have not I’ve been thinking of my family I would have benn dead by now. I felt awfull because I knew I was the one who’s at fault. Specially as I know that there is no cure to my problems. The bad thing is it seems to be cynical and happened to me twice already. Now Im just one of those lonely confused bisexuals/gays out there. This is the reason why envy those hedonistic gay people because they’re not confused and seems to really know what to want in their lives.
July 3rd, 2007 at 2:41 am
Thanks, Kiro. I think we all have issues and we always struggle to find a balance for our own happiness with those of our families, friends and society at large. I grew up in the West so my thoughts and sensibilities are influenced as such (I think they are more global, to be honest), so I can’t pretend to know how to be purely Filipino. But just the same, as humans, we make all kinds of mistakes. But as humans we are also very capable of learning. I hope that people do learn from their own mistakes and from other people’s as well. Otherwise, we keep subjecting ourselves and the people we’ve chosen to be in our lives to the same cycle of hurt and unhappiness.
July 3rd, 2007 at 3:50 am
naghahanap ba ng kabit yang si papa gus? pwede ako echos!
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:42 am
I just wondered bakit kakabahan kung maging bading ang anak nila. Magiging kahihiyan ba kung sakaling maging bading sya, di ba dapat maging higit na maunawain ka kung sakaling mag out sa iyo yung bata, at hindi niya dapat masapit ang mga sinapit mo ngayon.
Kung maging bading man sya, palakihin sa pagmamahal at pang unawa upang maging responsible citizens.
July 3rd, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Like Gus I’m a married guy also. I have a daughter who’s in Grade 6. I have a gay officemate who always show me his “hada” for the night in his cp videos. I felt envious kc nagsasawa siya talaga sa lalake. Ako, i fear my wife would find out about my hidden self. Mahirap. How I wish I am straight. Kung hindi straight guy, straight girl kaya para I could do whatever I want to do. Walang guilt feelings. Whenever I’m alone in the house, I felt so lonely. My only consolation is that I have a daughter who loves me, I have a wife who loves me and I’m somewhat financially stable. Thank God for all these.
July 3rd, 2007 at 2:44 pm
gus you’re so DILF.
and thanks sa advise mo…pero it’s really a no-brainer thing coz i always believe that when a gay guy marries a straight gal, the latter is most likely to suffer MORE than the former…it’s not good to hurt a woman with your ‘gayness’ pare!
July 3rd, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Very well said Ace. It’s not cultural at all and speaking of “learning”, I occasionally visit this blog to get insights from people like you. It gives me a good feeling whenever someone is making an objective comments. Though the differences of opinion makes this blog more interesting to read. Do you have a blog too?
July 3rd, 2007 at 6:32 pm
HAAAAY! Thank GOD I have no desire whatsoever to have kids and a family.
July 3rd, 2007 at 11:43 pm
my bf of 5 years is married with 3 kids and i have managed to be in casual relationship with his family… so hard for me but i feel bad kawawa ang wife and the kids but me and my bf jst cnt resist and instead of him going around with others i offer him stability and a gud gay relationship…
July 4th, 2007 at 2:15 am
i guess may worry na maging bading din yung anak niya. we all know naman that it’s not that easy and siempre kung pwede ayaw natin ma-experience ng magiging anak natin yung ganun. pero kung ganun talaga sana they would grow up to be pretty hehehe
July 4th, 2007 at 2:32 am
Very insightful thoughts here… i really admire gay/bi/discreet guys who are intellectually stimulating…
Well, i believe this issue must boil down to the very old (but time-tested reality): THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. We can avoid all these “homo” complications by being honest to ourselves and to our loved ones.
Life is too short to waste on useless anxiety about your identity or your sexual preference… Be truly and really happy…
July 4th, 2007 at 4:02 am
Hey, Kiro. No, unfortunately I don’t have a blog. It is the usual reason, lack of time. Summer, as it is now, is traditionally vacation time for most, so it is not too bad but the rest of the year is a bit crazy for me timewise. But, let us be thankful to Migs for maintaining a well-crafted blog. Thanks for his time, effort and love for MGG. Cheers.
July 4th, 2007 at 5:27 am
[…] was reading this post from migs’ blog and i think it is something people should read about. it’s deeply more than the usual bryanboy […]
July 4th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Hi Ace! This is the first time I’ve connected with somebody online. I’m pretty reserved and I thank MGG for this avenue. Thank you too for the reply.
July 4th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Really nice post you got here. And enriching comments as well. I face the same issues…same fears just like HomoPilot.
I know for sure I like men. But none of my (straight) friends, my family, nor my ex-gfs know I hit it with guys. I am attracted to girls and had a few gfs before. But I only had the courage to satisfy my curiosity when I was 21. From then on, I had a few FUBUs and several hot encounters given my seemingly “straight” life. Using women as “fronts” or “excuse” was never a consideration. And I really…truly loved the girls whom I had relationships with. Just like HomoPilot, I had let go of this girl more than a year ago…exactly the bring-home-to-mama type of girl. I know her long enough to know that she’ll make a good mother. I also would like to have (kids) of my own someday. But I had to let her go.
Knowing who I am and choosing not to tell her about my sexuality was totally unfair. I was afraid that I can never be faithful to her and that even if I try so hard…I know sooner or later, I’ll give in. It’s in me. That’s one thing I can never ever deny. And if I don’t tell her, I know that it’s not right. So for me, it’s ok if I give in to my urges from time to time. However, it’s the guilt that I can’t deal with fairly. So I felt I’m not worthy anyways. We had the usual/normal issues in the relationship (i.e. lack of time, jealousy, etc.) and I just allowed them to be blown out of proportion just to say and console myself (and her) into thinking that our relationship isn’t going anywhere and that it’s not working out.
But I felt and underwent as much pain as her. I loved her so much but I let my fears and hang-ups get in the way.
Sometimes I wish that I could just be a (purely) straight guy or a (purely) gay guy. No mixed-up crap and issues to deal with. This way, I would be way better off dealing with issues either on men or women only.
I have a few set of friends who are like me. Some of them currently have a gf. And sometimes we get to discuss this kind of topic. And it’s really hard to find answers. I’m 25 and I’m sure as hell that I’d be seriously stuck with this kind of dilemma in 3-5 years time.
Sure, I’ve heard of it…truth shall set you free. I am actually troubled and confused with the choices available. I have no issues of building a family of my own. Granting I find a girl I’d like to marry and stuff, shall I tell her about my sexuality eventually? On a side note, I feel that it supersedes the issue of do I really have to tell her. Some would answer yes, for honesty’s sake. But by being honest to myself and to her…I get to think, does it really make one free? If I choose to and the relationship fails or ends…how can that make me free, if ultimately, it’s the same honesty and sexuality that denied me of my freedom to build a family and have kids of my own, or merely getting accepted.
Thing is, at this day and age, we face judgments and pre-judgments everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I mean not only from heterosexuals but from within our own community. Acceptance is undeniably a scarce reality in society. I find it sad to hear gay folks (regardless of whether straight acting or not) easily passing judgments on issues like these and more often that not, to people behind the issues.
To gay folks, I know that you like men, and I like them too. It’s a non-issue. But I like girls too. And if you don’t, what makes you think you can control my choices? I certainly did not choose to be like this. Again, if it were easy, bisexualism could have been dead for long.
Some gay guys ask me if I had relationships with men. Matter of fact is, I tried it and I am now in a 10-month relationship with a guy. Sorry for the lack of term–”tried” meaning I found a guy whom I click it with (sexually, intellectually, physically, emotionally), gave it a shot, and we’ve chosen to be exclusive (so far). He is also a bisexual. And frankly speaking…at least on my end, I feel that it’s more of companionship. If I get to compare, it’s not the same “love (or passion)” I experience when it’s with women. And I don’t even consider the long-term options we can have together. I guess relationships are always complicated. At least based on my experiences. And I guess I have yet to find that guy whom I can really fall in love with ugh?… (if ever I do).
For now, I am definitely keeping my options open. Same with him. But in case, I decide to get married, setup a family and have kids, I would most likely choose to be mum about my gay side and end up just like Gus, and other married guys and dads I’ve already met. Then I guess I will just cross the bridge when I get there. Taking it one happy day at a time. Cheers everyone.
Yikes. I reckoned it has turned lengthy. Sorry. But thanks a lot anyways if you’ve come this far in reading my post.
July 4th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Does it mean single blessedness na lang ang option?
July 4th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
gusto ko rin magkaanak, kaso kelangan ko pa magpalagay ng matres. hihihihi
July 5th, 2007 at 1:55 am
I think what Gus is doing to his wife is horrible. Whether you’re gay, bi or straight, INFIDELITY is INFIDELITY. It’s no different from a straight man cheating on his wife. If Gus sleeps around with other men, no matter how “safe” his sex practices are, he is endangering his wife’s health by potentially exposing her to the many STDs out there. It shows a complete and utter disregard for another person’s feelings, well-being, dignity, etc… It’s one thing to keep yourself in the closet, but to drag other people in it with you? You may not be able to choose wether you want to be attracted to men or women or both, but things like honesty, faithfulness, concern and respect are all choices that any person can make.
July 5th, 2007 at 8:40 am
We all have wants in life and sometimes life is unfair and we can’t have everything that we want. I think the one aspect about this issue that gets pushed aside most often is the real victim of this unfortunate situation – the wife. Just think for a moment how devastating it will be for the poor woman if and when she finally learns the truth about her husband and her marriage. In an instant her life will be shattered, her heart broken into pieces and her soul defeated. The truth in this case will not set her free, the truth that finally exposes the dishonesty, the deception and the betrayal will be the end of her happy existence; the end of her whole world that she nurtured for so long. I think it is terribly wrong and terribly unfair to potentially subject a woman or another human being for that matter to this kind of emotional shock and destruction. The end doesn’t justify the means in this case, not by a long shot.
July 5th, 2007 at 9:31 am
To chismoso:
I’ve only been able to access this website again just now. I have to admit the volume of internet traffic to Migz website is turning me off sometimes, particularly with the unresolved CPU problem.
When I pondered the article’s title anew, I also got your point that Migz was referring to gays married to women being in a situation that was not meant for them… like “fish out of water” or “fish on dry land”, thus “fishes in a terrarium”. Thanks for enlightening me.
For my closing remarks, as Ellen DeGeneres’ character as Dory in “Finding Nemo” would say: let’s “keep on swimming”!
July 5th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
HAPPY 4TH OF jULY TO ALL….INDEPENDENCE DAY TO AMERICANS & FIL-AM FRIENDSHIP DAY TO FILIPINOS & AMERICANS AS WELL….Nice posts and comments and personal observations….all i can say for the moment is …AMEN!!!
July 6th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
mahal ko na si Papa Gus! hehehe
July 7th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
I once asked my wife, what if magkaanak tayo ng bading? for awhile natigilan siya then replied…
“iiyakan ko siguro ng mga isang buwan but after that tatanungin ko na kung anong bagay na lipstick sa akin!”
hehehe. true story yan. my point of view?
gaya ng asawa ko iiyakan ko din and maybe I’ll teach him how to be clever pagdating sa mga boys. sino pa ba ang pinaka the best na teacher?
July 9th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
Isang dagdag lang, kaya pala wala akong male friends. Too damn gay.
July 19th, 2007 at 10:06 am
[…] Gus, to that guy who I slept with last Friday (no, not Gus), and to all married gay men (including […]
July 22nd, 2007 at 5:13 pm
tama ka gus pag gay ka gay ka 4 ever ito ka na…. i know coz i just have a friend just like you gus. that hthey just keep fighting but the wife knows his gay.so no scaping 4 being gay if you want to live free as a gay men….
July 28th, 2007 at 10:16 am
[…] it was Gus, the gay man who has a wife who doesn’t know, 2 beautiful daughters, and one gay querida […]
August 4th, 2007 at 4:01 am
there are women naman who prefer to have a gay closeted man as husband or yung tipong mejo may inkling sila na mejo silahista. and more often it is something not discussed. for as long as mahal siya ng asawa niya kahit machong bading yung husband niya and basta discreet, ok lang sa kanila. mas gusto nila minsan na sa kapwa guys magloo ang husband kesa sa babae.
Still, mas maganda if open ang communication, not just a gray area not spoken between husband and wife about his “dual” sexuality. There are plenty of relationships like that existing, and the good thing kc is they have respect for each other. And dapat, love mo din naman talaga si misis and dapat you must fulfill her needs too.
August 4th, 2007 at 4:11 am
isa na lang:
problema din kc sa mga Pinoy, masyadong sinusunod ang “western” definition of being gay. Alam nyo naman dun, uso ang “no gray areas, always black or white, nothing in-between”.
mas comparable ata tayo sa Europeans, or conservatism of middle-easterns and other asians such as Japanese and Indians.
Minsan kc iba lang talaga ang libog sa kapwa lalake, pero di naman dapat ipagkait sa sarili ang magkaroon ng asawa at anak. basta dapat alam natin ang priorities in life, hindi yung tipong nasa “guilty” side lagi.
Sa akin kc, iba ang libog, iba din ang pagiging “may planong normal sa buhay”.
others cannot do it, others do it with guilt, but in my case, i can live with it, be happy and have no guilt.