Gotta Go My Own Way

Hello dear MGG readers! One of my friends, Gabby, has this interesting story to tell about his struggles straddling the fine line between friendship and love. I urged him to write it down so you dear loyal MGG followers can read and comment on his situation, a sticky, sticky one. Here’s Gabby’s story…

* * *

Elmer’s letter to migs in his post kinda inspired me to write this down in full.
You see, he and I are kinda in the same boat — if you think of the boat as the titanic and he and I are just on different decks.
Like elmer, i’ve also grown attached to someone I probably shouldn’t be.
I first met boris a couple of years back. He and I were introduced in a party in capone’s. my friends wanted to set me up with someone, 6 months after coming out of a bad break up with my first and only boyfriend. Yes — unlike elmer — im gay. And unlike marco –boris is also a certified person like us.
Boris however didn’t strike me very well the first time. No — he wasn’t ugly — but he also to my eyes then — did not strike me enough to forget my ex. Sure he kinda fit into my mold-type— he was chinito — but it ends there. He wasn’t as witty, prolific, sarcastic (which I find soooo sexxxyy), sophisticated, well-versed, funny, culturally inclined and he didn’t have the right kind of jologs to make him humble enough for my taste. He wasn’t as loquacious and exciting.
Yet something about boris’s being down to earth, simple, jolly, wash and wear air, and kindness drew me to him.

So I at that time decided he’d just be a good friend.
We started texting, calling, hanging out.
He incorporated me into his circle of friends. We became close. He treated me like family.
He started making me feel like he was my home — a place where I can be at peace, safe and happy.
He was sweet, responsible, thoughtful, concerned. He’d check on me every once in a while, he’d pop in texts and calls regularly—he’d do this even when he was in a relationship with other guys already.
It wasn’t till after he broke off from his second boyfriend (he started dating and outed himself on a limited basis only just a week before he and I first met) that I realized how fond I have grown of him. While I didn’t initially expect him to do the things he did—I guess having these done to you on a regular basis by someone who obviously cares just gets to you at some point.
When he started dating again after his 2nd break up—I just started getting irritated with every guy he went out with, every boy he flirted with, any other boy he even so much as looked at.
Fuck—before I was willing to admit it—I was falling for him.
We’d spend major milestones and holidays together—or at least have a long phone call when we couldn’t hang out.
At first I was hesitant to admit it because well, I was never really sure how he’d feel. I kinda sensed he was just being the sweet guy he really is. He really was just being a good friend. He was a good friend hanging out with a friend who was coming out of a break up, who needs someone to listen to him cry and whine, a friend who was lonely and just needs someone to keep him company, a friend who he genuinely cares about as he were his own family. He was the type to worry if you’d be going home drunk, the type to make me sermon, tell me off when he knew I was doing something wrong (and mind you—not everyone dares do that and so I naturally tend to have a high regard and genuine affection for those who do)
So I just shrugged it off—or at least tried.
But it was like Sisyphus toiling to get a rock over the hill—it was a recurring uphill struggle. Somehow the feelings grew stronger as days passed. And it was getting harder to manage.
A week before my birthday—I decided to take my chances—and just tell him the truth. I figured maybe he felt the same way. Who knows.
Unfortunately—I thought wrong. He said he hoped I could understand he only saw me as a good friend and that for the mean time he’d be staying away to give me time to move on. He also told me to come back after everything had been sorted out on my end and he’d still just be here. And so for my birthday—I was alone in boracay—left memories of boris in manila behind even for just a week.
I concentrated on work. Concentrated on family. By this time I had reconnected with my ex as a friend and so he ended up consoling me over boris—my ex and I however just remained friends. Nothing else or nothing new happened.
Months later boris texted me out of the blue—and since I felt okay about the whole matter—I agreed to resume the friendship.
Unfortunately—I think I cut to close. I guess I wasn’t really ready for it because within months—I was back to square one—and the feelings were back with a vengeance. This time around—he found me out—by accident—or I guess he just sensed after I rejected every guy he set me up with.
Same response- we can just be friends. Nothing more. And again—space.
Not too long ago—he and I hooked up again. I just saw him in friendster (I had deleted him to expunge him from my existence) and just got the urge to text him again (while I deleted his numbers—all my numbers are backed up on hardcopy in my files at home).
I honestly thought we could be friends. So we hung out again. This time, we got even closer—and I was happy because so far no relapses.
However one time he and I argued about how he feels I’ve been pushing him away even if he’s already treated me like a brother. He feels unappreciated because he feels like I don’t even consider him a friend. He was questioning why I gave more importance (and I do) to the friends with whom I’ve been able to spend more time with, talk more, and experience more together.
While I was unintentionally guilty of his complaints—I never thought I was making him feel the way he did. I just thought and eventually reminded him during the confrontation that people who have more bonding experiences just naturally tend to jell more. And since he and I have been off and on—it’s but natural that we’re not so close anymore.
He didn’t understand this and just felt so bad.
I just started feeling guilty after I felt and saw how hurt he was.
So I promised him that from now on—we’ll always be friends—and he’ll be my brother na—even if it wasn’t by consanguinity. (I never had a brother —I’ve always wanted one but my parents just had to have ANOTHER GURL, HEHEHEHE)
You’d think that I would have learned my lesson after all this time right?
Guess again. One time just a few days ago—while we hung out—he started flirting with some guy—and I got so irritated again. I tried not to let it get to me. But it was just too much when they started getting physical right before my eyes (we were in a party somewhere) and so after making sure I wasn’t so obvious—I did a french exit and just texted him I had a headache and just had to leave to rest. I told him not to text me anymore because my phone was dying but I assured him I’d be fine.
My head was spinning as I walked away and drove home. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. I also couldn’t believe im back in that place again. But more importantly—I was mortified at the possible consequences.
On one point—I felt self assured—I can bear parting with him again because ive done it before. Maybe were not meant to be friends after all, I thought.
On another—I really just missed him. and I just don’t want him to be with anyone else. I don’t care if he and I remain friends na lang and not take it to the next level—so long as he doesn’t hook up with anyone else.
Truth be told I’m not even sure we’d work out if we couple up—but im just so overwhelmed and pained by what I feel, its soo painful and hard, like you’re constantly being jackhammered minute by minute—like there’s a lump in your chest you just can’t let go—like there’s this lingering fear you cant shake off. The pain is just soo alive. It’s the kind that makes you feel you just wanna write and write and write while you’re crying—or teary eyed—and you can’t function much or do anything else.
It’s the kind that makes you shed buckets of silent tears.
So here I am—ignoring for quite a while now—avoiding him and using work as an excuse.
I don’t know what to do anyway.
On one hand—I have a promise to keep—and I feel like ill be letting him down a 3rd time.
On the other—I risk being just so jaded and heartbroken, my heart being eroded slowly by jealousy and longing.
So near yet so far.
My heart vs. my conscience.
My mind tells me the best tack now is to stay—because obviously leaving didn’t really do me any good. Maybe if I stay and just suck it up—-an unnurtured love will die a natural death.
Question is — how long before the unnurtured love dies? And will it die first before I become a jaded, bitter guy?
It’s a weakening debilitating pain.

I ponder all these having high school musical 2’s ballad in the background: gotta go my own way by Vanessa Ann Hudgens and Zac Efron. [Download this song (right click and save)]

I gotta say what’s in my mind
Something about us
doesn’t seem right these days
life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan
is always rearranged
It’s so hard to say
But I’ve gotta do what’s best for me
You’ll be ok..
I’ve go to move on and be who I am
I just don’t belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away
Don’t wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
and I watch them fall everytime
Another colour turns to grey
and it’s just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away
I’m leaving today ’cause I’ve
gotta do what’s best for me
you’ll be ok..
I’ve got to move on and be who I am
I just don’t belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away

What about us?
What about everything we’ve been through?

What about trust?

you know I never wanted to trust you

and what about me?

What am I supposed to do?

I gotta leave but I’ll miss you

I’ll miss you

I’ve got to move on and be who I am

Why do you have to go?

I just don’t belong here
I hope you understand

I’m trying to understand

We might find our place in this
world someday
but at least for now

I want you to stay

I wanna go my own way
I’ve got to move on and be who I am

What about us?

I just don’t belong here
I hope you understand

I’m trying to understand

We might find our place in this
world someday
but at least for now
I gotta go my own away
I gotta go my own away
I gotta go my own away

* * *

To you dear Gabby, my friend, I dedicate this song from Avenue Q:

There’s A Fine, Fine Line Go My Own Way  digg:Gotta Go My Own Way  spurl:Gotta Go My Own Way  newsvine:Gotta Go My Own Way  furl:Gotta Go My Own Way  reddit:Gotta Go My Own Way  fark:Gotta Go My Own Way  Y!:Gotta Go My Own Way


Possibly Related Entries:

23 Responses to “Gotta Go My Own Way”

  1. Broken Heart Says:

    OMG!Gabby, you and boris… me and this guy… We have the same relationship with each. Thing is, i was able to give him what he asked for: DISTANCE! I was sad at first but it turned to hate. Now, i feel better and im happier. He was a drug that i got addicted to. I just had to get him out of my system. I guess you should eliminate your drug as well…..

  2. Markus Says:

    you are in a tough sticky situation, it is as if you never truly has gotten over him before you resumed the friendship or even if you were over him something about him triggers back this feelings you have for him. you just have to accept the fact that he only wanted you to be his friend and you got to be strong enough to be his friend because you will always meet the people or love interest he will have and it will be hard on you if you cant deal with that. you cant feign headaches all the time or make sudden excuses to get you out of the situation. i know it is easier said than done. be strong you can do it. i fell in love once, so hard that when it didnt work out i couldnt function at all, couldnt sleep, eat and do the things that i normally enjoy and on top of that i lost my job. but i was able to survive it and im best friend with my ex now. “it’s life in the lovelane, drive with caution”

  3. lordrommel27 Says:

    currently, i am actually into that situation. what i am doing, i have deleted him in all my contacts and started the 40-day ordeal. no communications, whatsoever and hoping in the end, i could find an answer.

    i am now in my 2nd week. but when you do this, do inform him and give him your reason. say, would that be alright if ill delete you in my contacts, i just want to be get over of you.

  4. habagat Says:

    I think the best way to deal with this is to completely stay away from him at least for just a while.

    The more you get close to him the more you get hurt. All he wants is friendship but you want something else. So you better make the move. Distance, my friend.

  5. pj Says:

    seems like the syndrome of someone that got away…
    looking at it another way, it is possible that what remains is not love anymore but just the exhilirating thrill of pursuit…

  6. Isaribi Says:

    Set You Free

  7. Isaribi Says:

    …At least yung chorus part…

  8. russel Says:

    talk to him, tell him that you are letting him go completely, because even if you create distance things will still repeat itself. just forget him completely erase all the memories that you have for him.

    thats how i let go

  9. pepron Says:

    Ang haba naman noooon! Grabe na to!( Ano kaya no, magpacontest ng “pinakamahabang letter to Migs” dito sa blog? Go! Hehehe!)…
    Ok…Going through this pain is a natural path; it’s part of the process; it called being Human! For whatever is coming next; this is your training.I’ve went through to something similar to this; I went away as far as I can from the environment where it happened, nag-resign ako sa trabaho and didn’t work for a year! My advice; keep yourself extremely busy; magbisi-bisihan ka pa pag magkatime ka and do “Pray for Guidance”, it really helps, big time!Goodluck!

  10. Says:

    sometimes, letting go is another way of saying i love you. so just let go and move on. :)

  11. Bryz Says:

    grabe… di pala ako nag-iisa…

    in my case i think medyu okay na peru i dont think we could ever be friend. baka hanggang doon na lang. learn to admit facts para di na masyado masaktan.

    it’s high time that u love yourself.

    yeah tama ung wla muna contact. ako, im trying not to view his friendster account unlike before na araw-araw. no text/calls. im enjoying soltitude right now.

    kaya mo yan!!! pray ka din…

  12. from1fagtoanother Says:

  13. ewan Says:

    sad but i know you can pull through it…you just need to suck some things up…

  14. toot Says:

    What you’re feeling may go away when you realize that you’re being unfair to yourself.

    Maybe someday, you’ll ask yourself why you’re giving him so much attention that he doesn’t deserve.


  15. Anino Says:

    Ganito ang situation namin ng ex-bestfriend ko.Parang malapit na akong mag-give up sa friendship namin.

  16. chuchucaracas Says:

    sa tingin ko naglolokohan lang kayong dalawa. ok fine at first friend lang talaga tingin mo sa kanya tapos nagdevelop into something else then you guys decided that it’s not the best for the both of you kaya may i move on ka. tapos you got back together as friends pero bakit may jealous issue on his part when he realized na hindi lang siya ang friend mo and obviously you really haven’t gotten over him. you know what, you’re not really friends. don’t think that he’s your friend kasi feeling mo you were able to share the highs and lows in his life, minsan friendship is tested if they would be loyal in the dullest moments of your existence. and hindi ka friend sa kanya kasi may unterior motive ka at yun ay pagibig. so ayun naglolokohan lang kayong dalawa. ok fine bitter ako pero that’s how i see it.

  17. chuchucaracas Says:

    ulterior pala sorry

  18. bungangera Says:

    i think its best nalayuan mo muna sya. i think naiisip mo sya kasi wala kang bf na pwedeng itapat kay boris. pero pag meron na. its easier to think of boris as a friend

  19. SpaceCadet Says:

    hahaha same issue that i’ve been through. I completely get rid of him out of my system for 2 wks then after that wala na. And I realized how stupid all of my issues were. yeah mahirap talaga pero kelangan gawin. :)

  20. taylor Says:

    this has happened to me twice so i can give you my 2 cents worth. it will be very difficult that you can be reconnected to him. he wants to be your friend but you want him in another way…doesn’t work even after the time you feel secured- by then the friendship is gone.

  21. george Says:

    physical distance is best. huwag mong hayaang mag worsen yan or else you’ll end with self-pity. mahirap na. talk to your friend. tell him because you two have different expectations for your friendship, and that you are still struggling with this, it is best that you distanced yourself from him forever. if you can’t utter the world “forever”, say “for a long-time”. I sense that your friend knows your situation and is playing along with your emotions. That’s the best thing you can do to yourself. Mahirap yan, pero puede.

    The danger here is for your friend to eventually get back to you and start playing with your emotions again. Ikaw na bahala. Basta start with being serious about this first — I mean, being physically away from him. And dapat totoo na yan ha? Hwag mapatalo sa emosyon.

  22. my yellow shirt Says:

    parang my fair lady

    I’ve grown accostumed to her face

  23. my yellow shirt Says:

    ay naku
    akala ko naman ate magandang entry

    sounds familiar

    ganito din kasi ako sa isang ex…

Leave a Reply

WordPress Lightbox JS by Zeo