Woman Writes MGG For Advice: “My husband has a rich gay lover.”
Dearest Migs,
I hope everything’s fine on your end.
I am not your usual reader (Yes, I am a real woman). I came across this great site upon researching about a person’s sexuality. Well, my husband, Ram. And I thought, you can provide a sound advice given a gay man’s perspective.
I’m Ria, I’m a mother of two, a 7-year old and a 2-year old, both girls. I have been married for seven years to Ram, a nice person and a good looking man (I’m proud that my husband is such a cutie). He was my boyfriend for two years in college and after college, we got married because I got pregnant.
He is a good, loving husband and a great father. Aside from fighting from usual, petty things - we are doing good, almost perfect. Except for one, for seven years, I feel that this marriage is a marriage of three people, he has a gay lover — which I knew even before we got married. All these years, I learned to accept our situation but I am now having a change of heart.
Andy, the third party — rich and gay
The third person in our relationship is Andy. He is three years older than my husband. They became friends in college because they belong to the same fraternity. I didn’t know that Andy is gay. He acts like a straight guy, even up to now. Coming from a rich and influential family, I understand why he’s in the closet.
I had this theory that Andy was smitten to Ram when my husband was a frat neophyte. Who would not find him attractive, he’s tall, very handsome, guileless, dashing, and got a great body. If he wanted back then, he can pass up as a model or an actor. He had this story that he might have been beaten badly during their initiation rites if not for Andy. He thinks that Andy protected him during that rites. They are both engineers, my husband being a civil engineer. He said that their friendship was brotherly until when Andy came out to Ram, that Andy loved him very much. My husband didn’t return the feelings, he had another girlfriend back then. (Which didn’t last, I suspect that Andy has something to do why Ram broke up with the girl). They still became very good friends, even after Andy’s graduation. He would visit Ram at the university or at his boarding house, always checking on him. Even though Andy would constantly hit on Ram, he would ignore and laugh at it.
The Tragedy and The Savior
And then, there came a tragedy to Ram’s life. His father died from a heart attack and his mother was diagnosed with cancer leaving a pile of financial burden to Ram’s family. Their family business went bankrupt. Being the 2nd eldest, his older sister already has a family, we wanted to stop studying and would work to support his mother and younger siblings. He stopped for about a year to attend to his family’s needs.
But Andy came to his rescue. He convinced Ram to go back to school and he would support him and support his family without asking anything in return. Andy is rich and holds a good position into their family’s company. Heavily indebted to Andy, Ram offered himself, and he became Andy’s lover.
I met Ram on our 4th year in college through a common friend. I have to admit that I was the first one who set the initiative to get to know Ram more. After all, I am not the only girl who flirted with him. Aside from being good looking, he was nice, had a great sense of humor. We had no formal courting and we just decided that we are on a relationship. My only trouble was when her ex-gf sent nasty things about me. I knew that they didn’t end up in good terms.
At first, I didn’t knew who Andy was. Ram let us meet and he introduced Andy to me as his best friend, his brother at the fraternity. I found their friendship cute since they always had this pingpong or basketball game every Friday and that Ram would go to Andy’s place to ask help on his academics (If only I knew back then). I felt that Andy didn’t like me at first. He looked at me from head to toe. After a few months, Andy and I became close, to the point that we exchange stories about Ram. Andy is also a nice guy. I was clueless as he knows a lot of things about Ram. We even laughed at Ram’s nasty mannerisms and antics. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said that she is always busy. However, I never had a chance to meet his “girlfriend”.
When we graduated, Ram landed a job in an engineering firm (with Andy’s influence) and I got a job from a government agency. Then, I got pregnant. When I told Ram about the situation, he was stunned, and I knew he lost his flow of thoughts. And he said that he would marry me. I moved to his place and that is when I started thinking after going through his things, how did he manage to graduate college, with his mother’s medical condition (his mother apparently survived breast cancer) and his younger siblings still studying when he just started with his new job. It never occurred to me when we were still dating, as he was saying his relatives were helping them.
Discovering The Gay Relationship
I searched on his stuff and found some pictures of him and Andy, which were not “friendly”. While I haven’t found an image with both men in a compromising act, one image stuck in my head, with Andy embracing Ram and kissing him on the cheek.
I had a feeling that Andy is gay and Ram is his lover. It must have been my hormonal imbalance during that time when I am pregnant that kicked my instincts to know more about Andy and Ram.
Checking on further, it was only that time that I realized that how can Ram afford such expensive items when I knew he tried to make ends meet during college. I knew it those were expensive items because I searched on Hamilton watches, Lacoste shoes and shirts, among other things. He has things I knew he couldn’t afford. I was very nosy to the point I checked on his bank account and found a good amount going through his account monthly for several years. I was really convinced that there something going on with Andy and Ram but I cannot find something to pin them down.
Mustering all the courage, I confronted Ram and asked him directly who is Andy to his life. I never saw Ram so sad until that day, when he said that he is Andy’s kept man. That they are more than just friends. I was really angry that time and I wanted to think that he didn’t say what he just said. Then he started his story as I wrote above.
“Do you love him?”
I didn’t know what to do, I love Ram so much and I can feel that he loves so much too. I asked him if he loves Andy, he said, that Andy is important to him as he saved his life, that he’ll forever be in debt with Andy. I decided to accept him back but Andy has to go. He said he’s going to talk to Andy. And he left his place and went on to Andy’s.
The following day, I received a call from Andy and although I hesitated to talk to him but I listened to him anyway. He wanted to meet me and said a number of “I’m sorry”.
“You are the querida, not me!”
When I met Andy it seemed like it was not the Andy I knew, he started crying and pleaded that I should not take Ram away from him, as Ram meant so much to him. And that he could not live without Ram. As we are talking, I remembered all the good things that he did for us and to Ram. I still remember what he said to me seven years ago - “i was the one who first came into Ram’s life, if he didn’t told me that he loved you so much, I would never have allowed you to share him with me”. That hit me, in short, I am the other woman!
He Loves You, He Needs Me
And then he went to - “Ram loves you but he needs me.” and then proposed that we’ll share Ram. I have 5 days and he will have him for 2 days a week. It was a pathetic set up but I accepted it as I love Ram so much and I want my baby to have a father.
Cutting the story short, we agreed on that set up and Ram and I got married. He was even Ram’s best man. I gave birth and Andy was one of my baby’s godfather. As Ram’s career is going up, I decided to be a fulltime housewife. Whenever we had problems, Andy is there to help us. I got used seeing Ram’s go to his place every Wednesday and Friday. Andy and I even spend sometime shopping, and doing other things.
Sharing Ram
All is okay until I started to realize that Andy is asking for more time with Ram, instead of 2 days, Ram spends three days (nights) with him. He doesn’t usually give Ram awful kiss marks but when Ram goes home and we make out, I can notice kiss marks that he is giving on my husband - as if making me think that, your man came through with my hands first. This started to happen when Ram started planning that he wants to leave the country and work abroad several months ago. I supported Ram’s plan but Andy is strongly against it. I can feel that Ram somehow fears Andy but I can’t seem to make Ram say a thing.
For several weeks, I am not seeing Andy and now he wants Ram to accompany him for this two-week overseas vacation. I told Ram not to, as we haven’t been on vacation that long ourselves. I think that Andy is already tired of this set up and goes on his way to take Ram away from me. I love Ram but it seems that he can’t get away with Andy. It’s been seven years but isn’t it fair to claim for my man as mine? Kelan ba natatapos ang utang na loob? I do not know if this set up can last forever.
If you are in my situation, what would you do? How will I fight for my man? How can I compete with Andy? I think I’m going crazy and I’m about to fall out.
Thanks for you time in reading my letter.
Wishing for the best,
Ria
PS: before deciding to send this letter, i thought that your readers might go on and say, that I leave Ram and give him to Andy… oh well…and sorry, i’m not a good writer. 
Dear Ria,
Love knows no age, race, nor gender. So as you write seeking a gay man’s opinion on your situation, I tell you: seek the advice of people not based on age, race, nor gender, but rather listen to those whose wisdom you respect, those whose truth knows no religion.
I have always believed that sacrifice is the touchstone of love. But until when and where can you sacrifice for the love of your man? And I dare answer, go and sacrifice, yes even to the point of bleeding, but only to the edges of self-respect. Everyone needs to stand alert to preserve one’s dignity.
Thank you, and world peace!
Dear MGG readers, feel free to share your thoughts here for Ria to ponder on.
Migs
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November 25th, 2007 at 4:41 am
I actually sympathize with the author. In fairness, she’s already open-minded to the point of even sharing her own husband. She’s in a difficult stance.
I would have to agree on everything Migs said here. (Sigh.)
November 25th, 2007 at 4:49 am
Simple. Ram is yours. Just blackmail Andy!:)
November 25th, 2007 at 5:35 am
cino ba ng bear ng fruits kay ram,>>? db ikaw?? c andy, wala…wala naman eh wala nman matris un eh…………
November 25th, 2007 at 5:36 am
I-top mo rin si Andy. Go!(Joke)
Ba’t kaya pati ang girl-boy relationship eh “open” na rin parang sa aming mga baglutchz..hmmm…
…Seriously, pray; He will hear you.
November 25th, 2007 at 5:50 am
My question is, what does Ram have to say? Sure Ria “feels” that her husband loves here. But if he really does love her (ans supposedly only her), then he should leave Andy. Ram needs to butch it up and be a man. If he really loves his wife, he has to do something to stop hurting her and if he really wants out, he will move mountains to leave Andy to be with Ria. Screw utang na loob!
And Ria dear, stop being a martyr. Talk to Ram, tell him how you feel. For once in your life, be selfish! Think of yourself naman. Selfishness is not always a bad thing.
November 25th, 2007 at 6:05 am
di lang yan siya utang na loob. they are both gays. i know…….
go on with your life.
November 25th, 2007 at 6:28 am
i believe that you have been a very understanding wife for sharing him with andy for the last 7 years but enough is enough! if it is already causing you troubled sleep and heartaches it is high time that you put yout foot down and demand ram to once and for all decide which relationship he wants to keep. remember that you have the upper hand here because eventhough andy may have the capacity to provide ram with unlimited financial help, you are the wife who gave him 2 beautiful offsprings. andy can NEVER give that. if, and only if, ram refuses to do so, then tell him that you will leave him. let him suffer a little because however you look at it you suffered more from all this brouhaha.
you do, however, have to give him credit for his plans of working abroad because if you look at it differently, it may not be the work he is after but an ending to his relationship with andy.
lastly, pray. HE will give you the best solution to your problem. that i am very sure of.
November 25th, 2007 at 6:53 am
another great story! WORLD PEACE!
November 25th, 2007 at 6:58 am
I am gay and was in the same situation with you. But i have loved the guy so much that i was the one who gave up. My heart bleeded for years its been like what 6 years and still feel the same.
Andy hope you read this. Live up move forward. I feel the same but found a new love and strength with GOD!
November 25th, 2007 at 7:34 am
the solution must first come from ram, he must decide if he really wants to leave andy…. as andy said Ram loves her but he needs him… I think his job is enough to support the family. You should fight for your right as a wife… I am sympathetic to the LGBT Community but this has got to stop. Andy does not love ram coz he is selfish. Selfish in a way that he only thinks about his needs and not what ram wants. They have children for God’s sake, andy should be thoughtful enough that their connection is not just friends but kumpare’s as well….to Andy, leave the guy alone maawa ka sa inaanak mo…to Ria, please fight for your husband…for the sake of the children!
November 25th, 2007 at 9:05 am
If you love him so much, leave him.
Sometimes, leaving someone is the best way to show your love…
November 25th, 2007 at 9:11 am
Thanks Migz for this:
“And I dare answer, go and sacrifice, yes even to the point of bleeding, but only to the edges of self-respect. Everyone needs to stand alert to preserve one’s dignity.”
…words I need right now…
November 25th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Oh well. This world is indeed strange!
November 25th, 2007 at 9:53 am
to ria:
make ram decide.. if he chooses you then good.. if he chooses andy then go on with your life.. you have done so much about it.. it is not fair for you.. and for your children.. they dont deserve a set-up like that.. it will be hard for you to do that.. but time will come that you’ll get over with it.. because if you’ll continue with this kind of setup you’ll lose yourself in the end.. suicide.. what if that will really happen?.. who will take care of your children?.. andy and ram?.. its better to be with your children than be with ram and hell.. i hope things will get better for you ria.. love yourself..
November 25th, 2007 at 10:05 am
i just want to share that i am in a similar situation.. i am in love with my bestfriend who has a girlfriend. the thing is, my bestfriend and i have known each other for a long time now and became so intimate because of one crazy intoxicated night. we were friends since high school and would often get together and have moments to ourselves so we cud hangout. but there are times when we fool around, kiss, make out, and the works.. it has been going on for the longest time. but i am aware of the fact that he has a girlfriend, who through the course of their relationship, has also become my friend. though my bestfriend cannot leave her, he told me that he cannot stand losing me as well. so it’s something i have to accept because i love him, and he loves me as well and i feel it when we’re together and the way he talks to me. he says i’m his safe haven and when everything else goes wrong, m the one constant thing that’s there for him. and because of that, he loves me.. but a lot different from the way he loves his girlfriend, surely.. so the thing is.. you’re husband probably has reasons why he cannot let andy go. he loves you, that’s for sure.. but if you were open enough to accept it and take him despite all that, can you not talk to him about this and hear out his reasons? just something for you to think about.. if you need to hear more of my opinion, just post here.. i’m a MGG frequent. good luck.
November 25th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Why would a mother of two be reading manilagayguy blogs.
November 25th, 2007 at 10:32 am
i’m so saddened by story. its as if i wanna feel depressed myself. i feel for you ria. so much.
well, i think it’s time for you to assert your right as the WIFE. i’m gay. but i think i won’t be such homewrecker to let a family break because of my selfish desires.
Pag hindi mo na talaga kaya, i think you should confront ram and let him those between you and andy.
If ram loves you, then he would choose you. otherwise, talagang indebted si ram kay andy that he feels the need to reciprocate him for the rest of his life..or baka he loves andy na rin.
Don’t get me wrong. That’s how i understand it. If he’s brave enough to assert his stance to andy, he loves you and can’t afford to lose you. syempre iba na yun otherwise.
November 25th, 2007 at 10:33 am
tell him how you feel and if he still goes on with this andy thing, leave him…
November 25th, 2007 at 10:37 am
sori di ko pa nabasa yung rest of the story, pero may kakilala kong ganyan sya kaya yun, engineer din sya e, na meet ko sya sa gym, kaya pala ons lang kami, richie rich ang habol nya.
basahin ko ulet mamaya yung the rest of the story.
November 25th, 2007 at 10:58 am
this i have to say…
have your husband lost his b*lls? he needs to choose…
Andun na tayos a tinatawag na “utang na loob”, but it doesn’t make your husband as a “pambayad utang”. In the first place, it was Andy’s decision to help. Acknowledging the help is more than enough.
Let your husband choose, if the decison will be against you then accept it, nothing more gratifying than having your self worth by the end of it all.
November 25th, 2007 at 11:03 am
I have this gay friend who is almost like Andy in this story. One night he calls me sobbing saying he wanted to end his life because he couldn’t stand not being with his lover as much as he wanted. This guy has three kids with his wife of 5 years. I tried to console him and told him that it may be time that he let go of the guy and give him his freedom so he can be with his family. Like Ram, this guy also owes my friend a lot of “favors” since they were both in college. After telling my friend to move on with his life, he became hysterical and said things like ending his life and even taking the life of his lover. So there, I think one of the reason’s that Ram can’t leave Andy, and Ria even hinted at it in her letter, is because Ram fears what Andy might do if ever he ends their relationship. As they say, hell has no fury like a gay man scorned. And a gay man in love at that. So Ria, I feel for you but please weigh thinks well, plan your moves and be very cautious. I wish you well.
November 25th, 2007 at 11:10 am
I just want to share that i had quite similar experienced. Its really complicated and difficult for you indeed. Since you are the one suffering a lot,i have to say that u have to fight what u think is right and what is best for everybody. You have the control of your husband but i dont mean to manipulate him. Let him realize the difficult situation over such matters and express what u feel about the situation. Dont make anything that provoke his nature but just guided him with your strenght and wisdom with your determination and prayers. This is the time u muster your courage and compassion for these two people who are befuddled.
I disagree saying that we have to let go that person whom we loved to make him realize his mistakes but rather its a time for us to challenge ourselves and develop patience, true love and virtue in times of chaotic situation. This is the time you teach your husband and let go of his fears with Andy.In that sense, you are acting as good friends to both of them. Do not tolerate them that is against your will and your rights as a wife. Treasure your husband and always there at his side especially in this trouble-world he is into. The success and victory of your relationship with your husband lies on you!!! Create a wonderful karma from this moment on!I am sure the ripple effect is vast and tranformation would be extended not only to yoursself but as well to your environment and the people around you..
November 25th, 2007 at 11:39 am
You have a big problem. If your husband says that he loves the other guy, you’re in deep shit. Can you afford to lose your husband? Now, if he says he’ll leave the other guy, would you take his word for it? You’ll still be worried, and probably, be paranoid for the rest of your life. Make up your mind. Do you wish to risk everything for love? Then by all means fight for your man. But if he chooses the other guy over you, will you be able take it? You don’t know how deep their relationship is. Sometimes, confrontation doesn’t do the trick. Words will be said that shouldn’t be said and oftentimes, people end up more broken than ever before. What’s interesting in this life is that you have choices. And when you make choices, make sure you’re not selfish, and it’s for everybody’s benefit. Which is really out of love. If you love him, fight for him, but be ready for the consequences of your action.
November 25th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
To Ria, and to all the readers, Hi.
I am a frequent visitor of this site but this is the only time I felt compelled to write something after reading her article. Since Ria’s primary purpose in posting her article in this blog is for her to get answers on a different point of view, yes, “our” point of view, I might as well take sometime to share my thoughts to her.
Ram, being indebted doesnt give Andy the right to have your “husband” by the neck. Not even a privelige. Yes, Ram would always remember those days when Andy was there to help him all the way. And the fact that Andy extended support to your husband’s family could be reason enough to for him to feel most indebted to Andy. That act gave created a stigma on your husband’s mind that he will never ever be able to repay him. AND THAT VERY STIGMA IS EATING HIM WHOLE. IT IS CONSUMING HIS SELF-ESTEEM TO THE POINT THAT HE CANNOT SAY NO TO ANDY’S REQUESTS ANYMORE. AND THAT IS WRONG.
He might have not said this to you Ria, nor to Andy, but yes, the fact that we was compelled to “offer” his body to Andy as a payment for all of Andy’s goodness, I guess, made him feel most humilliated. It made him half the man he is worth. THAT WAS THE PRICE HE HAD TO PAY. AND THAT PAYMENT SHOULD BE MORE THAN ALL ANDY’S MONEY IS WORTH. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
It’s not bad to return favors, not bad at all. But when pride is what is being asked as payment, I dont think that’s still ethical. DIGNITY IS WHAT MAKES A MAN. True! So it’s either Ram loses it all, or start saving what is left of him.
You might as well start explaining to your husband that certain things has to come to and end. The way Andy is behaving right now should be enough reason to “void” the arrangement you came up with while starting your relationship. And you RIA, should start claiming what is rightfully yours, AS A WHOLE! Teach Ram how to say NO. Teach him how to gently say NO. Let him write a million “thank yous”. And if Andy demands a million more, then let him write a million more. Gumamit siya ng MAJHONG PAD para di siya masyadong mahirapan.
Selfless to Selfish
Due credits should merit Andy, too. It was a laudible act he made, well, that was when he had “noble intentions” of helping Ram. THAT WAS WHEN HE HAD NOBLE INTENTIONS OF HELPING RAM. But the way he behaves now, and demands (time, body, etc), that makes him selfish. What was unconditional is now conditional. How can he be so selfish? He may have all the reasons in the world to act that way but it’s still making him selfish. I would have had agreed with your set-up, but Andy not considering the welfare of the baby by taking Ram’s time away from your and from your angel, I’d rather you put him out of the picture. I feel sad for Andy, but I guess that’s the best thing to do. And for you to have a fresh start, I dont think that would be difficult. I believe your family is stable enough to stay on solid ground.
Conclusion
No matter how we bleed our minds our Ria to help you, the solution is still with Ram’s will. But your voice Ria will be essential to his judgement. But whatever you come up with, do not forget to say a MILLION THANK YOUS AND SORRYS to Andy. You still owe a leg to that guy. Andy has a good heart, but it’s his love to Ram that’s eating him whole, making him do things you don’t like. Just pray that it will dawn to him that what he’s doing is wrong. Pray that it will be soon. It will be painful, but time will be his best comfort. I would like to end this post with this quote, and I would like you to share this to Ram.
“What would a man profit if he gains the world, but loses his soul.”
Hugs,
Kristofferace
November 25th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
My advise it, fight for your man. and fight your man. di naman puede na puro sakripisyo ka na lang. Dumating ka na ata sa point na dapat mamili ka. there are no right and wrong answers there. di na question of dignity, pero kung ano ang magpapasaya sa iyo. if you want your peace of mind, and move on. sigawan mo ang asawa mo at ang “querida” nia. labanan mo. hindi biro biro iyong mga taon na sinayang mo. you deserve at least na umalis ka na nakasigaw ka man lang. now, kung mahal mo talaga ang asawa mo, ipaglaban mo siya. umisip ka ng paraan paano mababayaran ng pera ang utang na loob na mister mo sa “friend” nia. pera lang ang katapat nian, ang tanong na lang ay magkano. Hija, nasa iyo ang alas whatever your decision will be. takot lang din nilang dalawa ano. its time to get ugly.
November 25th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Wow! I just love the last sentences - TAKOT LANG NILANG DALAWA NO. IT’S TIME TO GET UGLY.
Go girl!!! Fight for your rights as a WOMAN!!!
November 25th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
i was into that situation na din before.. it was hard thats why ako na ang nag-give way.. i really don’t like it when i share my food with others.. kaya mas maganda na lang na wala.. sa kasal sila eh.. sino lang ba naman ako para paghiwalayin sila..??
kaya ria, better talk to your man…
November 25th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
go girl. fight for what you believe is yours.
but at the end of the day, you need to make sure where your husband’s heart belongs. as frightening and heartwrenching as it seems, you need to face the music.
i think a major consideration would be your child, but please dont use the kid to gain an upper hand.
all the best. hugs and kisses
November 25th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Ria, all I want to say is thank you for breaking up your beautiful long story into paragraphs. You also used headlines to lead each one of them, which almost act like “chapter titles”. And oh, what effective headlines they are: The Tragedy and the Savior, Sharing Ram.. and my favorite You are the Querida, Not Me! The way you used an actual quote as headline: it really makes me feel that emotional impact. It hits me. Right here, girl. In my hearty.
–
Contrary to what you say, you are not a bad writer at all. You are a very good one. Please do consider revisting and participating more in MGG.com. I know that you are probably in a helpless, confused state (didn’t you ask readers how you could fight for your man and compete with Andy, yet in the same breath tell us in italics that you’ve already decided to leave the two alone?) But please do find the strength and time.
–
Now, if only there was a way to break up long comments into paragraphs too… Next Hunk!
November 25th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
wow… this is definitely heartbreaking. I feel for you, Ria. You gotta stop living in a lie. This is the part where you need to decide where to go and if you want to go alone or not.
November 25th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
ang utang na loob ang pinakamahirap bayaran sa lahat. Pero pagsinumbat ang pagtulong, BAWI ka may SUKLI ka pa.
Ria, ipaglaban ko anung pinanghahawakan mo!
Andy, dama ko naniniwala ka kay Roderick Paulate sa MMK “DI ba wala kang pera! Umiyak ka na lang”
Ram, beauty is a curse!
November 25th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
where’s Ace? I think Ria needs your comments..ikaw kasi ang pinakamagaling magbigay ng advice..
November 25th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
You knew about the realtionship your husband and Andy have from the start, you even agreed to share your man(or is it Andy let you share his man) I’m not sure, but Ria have some self-respect! Is it comfortable for you too to have Andy around? I do not have a single ounce of sympathy for you…i feel more for Andy, being used and abused emotionally, financially and spiritually. Try walking a mile in his shoes. Try to feel his pain then maybe you will have the guts to let go of something that doesn’t belong to you from the start.
Gays doesnt have to do all the sacrifice and take all the blame from this nasty society we’re in! We have a right to a happy and honest relationship as well.
Babae ka, bakla si Andy, hindi sya maiwanan ng asawa mo. What does that make you?
November 25th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
naawa ako sa babae… isa lang naman ang dapat mong gawin eh. you have to make a choice. Kung pagod kna sa set up nyo (which i think is very wrong) papiliin mo nalang ang asawa mo. Mabuti na yung mag suffer once sa pain kaysa naman na forever mong i endure ang pain. martyr
November 25th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Dapat ng magdesisyon si Ram.Sana iyong babae ay huwag mag “Cinderella Complex”.
November 25th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
What would you have done if “Andy” was a woman? How would the story turn out? Would it have been worse? Buti nga the complications are far worse different. But then that does not really give you the answers to what you have to go through right now. Just a thought I had after reading your post. If only you knew how to play Andy,….baka mas beneficial pa nga to all of you. Afterall you played the role for 7 years or so now….do you still have anything to lose? If it were not Andy baka iba pa. Would you have survived? At kung ito ay naging babaeng kaagaw mo, would the treatment be any different?
There’s so much to live for Ria,….
November 25th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
it is time to face the truth. both of these selfesh men are gay men who have been manipulating you and your situation. you are the outsider in this scenario. you are partly to blame for having this situation get out of control. let go and move on. it will hurt, yes, but at least you will have your dignity and self-respect back. life is too short, don’t waste it on these two men. you will never have peace and true love in your life if you remain in this impossible triangle.
November 25th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Doing the right thing is always the hardest thing to do, Its totally wrong for both Andy and Ram to be together knowing that Ria is there. There always a choice on Ria’s part and of course with Ram. Ram has to choice between the two. He cannot have both world all at the same time. There is no such thing as bed of roses. In the end when you do the right thing, that will make you happy completely…I support Ria…
November 25th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
i must admit na naaawa ako kay ria. super martyr! i mean he went all the way to compromise and meet halfway. i was struck when she said “kailan ba natatapos ang utang na loob” kailan nga ba???
November 25th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Its simple lang. Just ask Ram to make a choice, you or his gay lover. Either way, one is bound to get hurt. Unless you and the gay lover would be happy to continue sharing Ram.
November 25th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
If I were Dan Savage, I’d probably say DTMFA.
If I were Laura Schlesinger, I’d say your stupid.
But I’m jimg29, so I’d say, for the sake of your kids, grow up and stop being a plain housewife and let the two selfish men eat themselves to death. This is the only way you can get your dignity back.
November 25th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
based sa story mo ria, andy helped ram before. was it ram who gave himself to reciprocate andy’s generosity? if andy is really a true friend, he will not be holding on to “utang na loob” to keep ram. if he truly loves him, he should leave ram to make his decision. not only ram but also you have already long paid for the financial debts. 2 nights a week for seven years? you have sacrificed too much already. andy cannot ask any more from you two. maybe going abroad is ram’s way of freeing himself from andy. if ram only keeps andy because of his needs, you are the wife who will have to show you are woman. you do love ram but you seem to have lost faith in yourself to as a woman. stop sacrificing, stop being a martyr, rise up to fight for your love!
November 25th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
…divorce! annulment! separation! whatever it takes for you to moved on, honey!!! that marriage wasn’t really meant to be! coz there’s no thrust in the first place PERIOD! Haller? you might want to consider suing the shit out of him so the court can grant spousal and sibling support to you for the rest of your stupid life! Oops! Hahaha!
…are there a lot of stupid pinays like you over there? Coz can’t you tell the difference between Willie Revillame and Edu Manzano? NO! OMG! Here in America we call them Fag Hags! and Puh-leese honey don’t tell me YOU can’t move on! …You’ll learn!
November 25th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
mga kapatid, proud ako sa inyo dahil sa mga comment ninyo dito!
November 25th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
I know it is easier said done. But if I were you, I would leave RAM. I would not even ask him to choose who shall he go with - me, or Andy.
Your problem is quite complicated, but the solution is only simple. Leave RAM. If you won’t do so, your problem won’t be solved. Ironic no?
Ria, I symphatize with you. Get a life for the sake of your daughters.
I will pray for you.
November 25th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Oh! The first sentence should have been “IT’S EASIER SAID THAN DONE”.
November 25th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
2 words. leave him.
November 25th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
…the society over there is ssso freakin prehistoric, gay men still hides in a rat hole and pretends that if they get married, their homosexual urges would go away! hahaha! Well it won’t sssSisters! You are what you eat! Tragic reallly if you ask me! hahaha
This story is ssso hilarious! I give it 3 Stars! 
…go ahead scorn me for telling the Truth! I don’t give a badass fuck! really! …Have you heard the story of the Diva, Liza Minelli? (btw a legend) Well, she’s the quintessential Fag Hag, always drunk with booze she sings “i’m getting married in the morning, Ding Dong! I hope this one is Straight, HIK! Oops! hahaha
…a happy ending though! Peter Allen Liza’s ex became one of the greatest Homosexual ever lived in our planet, wrote many inspiring songs, and his life turned into a successful Broadway Show “Boy from Oz” which I saw the premier in NYC! ain’t that simply Fabulous?
November 25th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
To give you the best advise, you already did your part Ria, those sacrifices that have wounded you so much…So the thing to do, ultimatum question to your husband Ram, sino ang mahal nya at sino ang gusto nya makasama, di pwedeng kayong dalawa ni Andy..And kung ang pinili nya eh si Andy, then Ria, DIGNITY AND SELF RESPECT ang kasagutan.Mahirap pero that’s the only way..Leave him kung si Andy ang pipiliin nya and move on..You deserve someone who you can consider YOUR OWN!!! YUN LANG TALAGA RIA!!! God bless and wish you well..
November 25th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
…maybe you can’t relate to “The Liza Minelli” story, okay fine! …Well, quintessential pinay fag hags? Vilma Santos, Lucy Torres, Kristine Hermosa, to name a few! Oops!
like “Whatever” in a LA valley girl accent! 
November 25th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
just talk it over, kayong 3 kung pwede, at linawin nyo kung ano ba talaga lugar nyo sa buhay ng isat isa.
its been 7 years. cgro nga its time to set things straight. lalo nang may anak kayo na nagkaka isip na. i dont see anything wrong na maging frends na lang sina ram at andy. pero ang tanong is, would andy understand na he has to let go na because ram is a married man.
if this continues andy might become a home-wrecker. not a very good rep db?
November 25th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
…btw what’s with these tragic women asking our advice on human relationship? first baklang querida and now this! …I don’t get it!!!
…only beauty tips! honey!
November 25th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
manke Ram choose once and for all and be ready for his worst possible answer… if he chosses Andy… move on Girl… youve sacrifices enough..
November 25th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
GOD… that must be really difficult for you… it is actually dificult for me to say something for maybe i still have my biases, but personally if your sick of everything else but still you love him, fight for him and yourself, but i guess, you better stop and quit everything if its all not worth it…
November 25th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
GOD…
that must be really difficult for you…
it is actually dificult for me to say something for maybe i still have my biases,
but personally if your sick of everything else but still you love him, fight for him and yourself, but i guess, you better stop and quit everything if its all not worth it…
November 25th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
tough cookie, ria…
if you really love ram, then fight for him, if he is worth fighting for.
as for andy, helloooo?? mayaman naman siya eh, kumuha na lang siya ng artistang pwede paeskwelahin! ram is not the only nice, tall, handsome and has sense of humor type of guy. go fish naman andy! tamad mo! ganun…
baka si ram din eh naeenjoy sa “set-up” kaya he cant drop it. hehe
world peace na lang nga!
November 25th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Personally, i dont know why you allowed yourself to be in this situation. You see, there is this thing called self respect and dignity. Without the intention to be judgemental, I think your husband is either using you or the lover or BOTH.
Let the husband be a man enough. Let balance and justice prevail. He can only have 1 - you or the lover. Its a triangle and you know it wont work without someone being hurt.
November 25th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
7 years saka ka umaangal? If i were you and i found out about those two gays, right then and there, split n kagad ako ke Ram. And you cant trust your husband anymore. He’s not for you anymore. LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM! Magkarun k naman ng respeto sa sarili mo. napakatagal kaya ng 7 taon. At hindi excuse ng RAM na yan na tumatanaw sya ng utang na loob. siguro nung mga unang bahagi ng relationship nyo puede pa…pero kung 7 taon n yun he’s enjoying the situation and also is in love with andy na rin lalo na kung naging friends muna sila bago naging lovers. may mga nararamdaman sya na hindi nya sinasabi sa yo… siguro naman maganda ka kaya napansin ka rin ni ram kasi kung ganun sya kagwapo titingin lang sya sa magaganda lalo ng kung may “tendency” sya. may makukuha ka pang lalaki na magpapahalaga sa yo…leave him while you dont have yet those wrinkled face. baka malay mo merong gwapo at MAYAMAN na mahulog sa yo…so leave him kahit wag ka ng magpaalam. ang sarap ng feeling ng walang problema… wrinkled-free face honey!
November 25th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
i symphatize with ria
your in a really bard situation,
first and foremost pray, God will give you the correct path.
second, if you really love ram fight for your love, and that same goes for ram. your love will be your guidance
third, andy andy andy if you can stomach to destroy a family then i pity you for your selfishness and cowardice.
i don’t believe in “utang na loob”, its for people who are manipulative and self-centered
may God give you guidance and peace of mind. be strong not only for ram and yourself but for your children.
November 25th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
mare manlalaki ka rin para fair ang labanan. Di na ngayon uso ang martir. madami pang str8 guys jan na mamahalin ka ng walang kahati..yun lang.
November 25th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
it’s not right to use the kids as an excuse to be in a relationship. if ram decides to go, then i guess you have your answer. i think it’s not case of “utang na loob”… i’d say somehow ram feels something for andy as well, and when he finally had an excuse to do so… he just gave in to andy.
the relationship you’re in is not healthy, especially for your kids. they will eventually grow up and they’ll be wise enough to find out about situation.
let andy have your “man”, and find a real man of your own.
November 25th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
i was rather offended that she thinks that “we”‘d tell her to give ram to andy.. is it just because we’re gay?? gah..
anyway.. you could always try legal measures.. get a restraining order or something..
but before you do that you, of course, have to talk with your husband.. tell him that it bothers you.. hurts you even.. it doesn’t matter that there is a possibility that he already knows.. you have to voice it out..
personally, i think it’s impossible for you to continue with the setup.. and from what you tell me Ram doesn’t really like it so much either.. you have to give each other strength.. you have to go through this together..
and if he insists that he can’t leave Andy, i think it’s time for you to think twice about your relationship..
November 25th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
It might be that Ram is also gay and that’s why he’s having a hard time decide in leaving Andy. So it could be more than just paying one’s utang-na-loob.
But, got a question dear, are you sure that if your husband leaves sugar daddy, he’d be loyal to you and not find another sweeter daddy?
Mga bakla talaga home-wrecker…
Sorry bakla din pala ako.
November 25th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Award! Migs you should be more decerning in posting lovingly yours letters.. as pointed out, why would a mother of 2 read manilagayguy. Kudos to who ever wrote this! But the storyline has been done over and over again already in our sappy airwaves. How about writing about a transgendered boy contemplating on reverting back his sex change? Now thats an idea! (again nothing original)
November 25th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Ria.
I was so touched with your story, and I must admit your a tough woman… Sharing what is yours, especially your husband to a gay lover is an extraordinary act. But dear, now is the time for you to wake up. If you really love Ram, go and fight for your right. Your marriage with him is a bond made by the blessing of God. Until when are you going to close you eyes amidst the reality that is happening in your life. Life isn’t all a world of fantasy. Face the problem. Yes I am a gay but I must not agree on what this gay lover of your husband is doing. Generosity must come within the heart of every person. It must not seek anything in return because if this would be the case, this would seem to be selfishness. Andy lost his rights on Ram by the time you and your husband built your home.Though it hurts, Andy must know his bounderies… and accept the reality that Ram has his own family to nurture. Let not Andy ruin your marriage and you ruin your marriage by leaving Ram. All you can do is talk sincerely to Ram. Let him know what you feel, what you desire, what you plan… everythintg…..
Ria, believe me when I say this, It is not other people who would save your marriage, your family… the success of your family lies on your hand. act before its too late… hold on and pray….
I wish you all the best. God bless! I know God will carry you and give you strenght. Fight girl….. text me girl 09279709902… i have more advice to give…
November 25th, 2007 at 8:46 pm
i was just about to say compromise, but when i read that there was asredy a sharing setup. i decide not to. moreover ram should make the choice…
if he is a true man or a gay-guy…
a choice between yu and andy.
it will all depend on ram
November 25th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
ulitin ko lang h. may mg typo errors kc. hehe. xenxa na….
i was just about to advice compromise, but when i read that there was already a sharing setup. i decided not to. moreover ram should make the choice…
if he is a true man or a gay-guy…
a choice between you and andy.
it will all depend on ram
November 25th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Ria, although I’m gay, I can say say that Andy is very very inconsiderate.I sympathize with you because of your children.
I advise you to talk to your husband about his sexuality. Discuss with him what he really feels for you and what he also really feels for Andy. Then, decide what you really want to happen with the relationship.
Also, I highly recommend you to get a lawyer for yourself. Anyway, I think that you have all the rights on Ram since you’re married with him.
November 25th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
it’s been 7 years and ram can’t leave andy? leave him! he has become gay. both he and andy deserve each other.
November 25th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
Girl, i believe hindi ikaw ang may problema, it’s your husband. Until when will he be dependent on ram for financial gains? He should think, and have the strength to stand on his own. hindi lang ikaw ang dapat nyang isipin but your kids as well. hindi sya mabibigyan ng anak ng pera ni andy. i’m sure lahat ng binigay ni andy kay ram, may kapalit na yun. kaya patas lang.
hindi kaya, your husband is also gay? have you considered this situation?
and as for andy, your rich kayang-kaya mong kumuha ng iba pang lalaki. i envy you though i don’t know you. so please, don’t be a home wrecker. do you want to be remembered as the one who broke a family? marami naman dyan. artista or even models. with your money, kahit sino makukuha mo.
November 25th, 2007 at 10:25 pm
Ria, there are many advice given already so I might just be repeating someone else’s view. But I’ll go ahead and say this: open relationships only work if ALL parties involved are comfortable with the arrangement. Now that your stance has changed, it is time to end it. You need to ask Ram to choose. Forget about the past - indebtedness, previous usapans, etc. They should have no bearing from here on out. Continuing on will only turn you bitter. Make Ram choose but be prepared to accept that he might not choose you. So be smart and ask for alimony and child support (even though it will come from Andy). I do sympathize with you and hope for your happiness, with or without Ram. Take care of yourself and your child.
November 25th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
i just found it weird. geez. i told this story to my girl friend and i was quite surprised that she took the side of andy. haha..akong bading eh for ria and then siyang girl eh for andy?? weirdie..
neway, saya…love reading the other comments. proud ako sa atin. especially those who’ve seen ria as the victim here. its very clear nman eh. i deeply feel for her tlga. shit this andy kc..
November 25th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
Ria mahirap talaga pag utang na loob ang pinag-uusapan, i know mahirap yan. Go to priest both of you for counselling. Pray hard ria.
November 25th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
sounds like me….another Andy. I did everything i could to destroy their relationship. i would intentionally do things that would hurt the girl to make her go away. i’d kiss my guy when he’s asleep so to leave marks on his neck. i’d spray my cologne on my guy’s stuff before he gets home. there had been times when i sent text messages on his phone to mine, messages that would make the girl real jealous. saying things that aren’t true like how he adores me so much, more than the girl and that he couldnt live without me i knew that she scours through his stuff looking for damning evidence. and who’s she kidding? when she’s known it all along. when i felt that she was winning, i dumped the guy under false pretense, befriended the girl and made everything looked so genuine. then i watch how things unfold…my way. they were made to believe that i was moving on without the guy. i knew this would make him feel inadequate and unloved. he’s gay or somewhat gay, whatever they call it i don’t care. all i cared was him crawling back to me. inspite of his self deception that fosters illusions of being 100 % straight, he’s still a cock sucking man who happens to..i hate to admit this but ..he happens to love a girl. authentic. but this did not prevent me from devising a series of conniving trickery down to its soul. eventually I trumped her. i’m not proud of many things i’ve done. it is what it is. just take whatever you can. moving forward, the girl got married to another guy. she just had another baby and i was told she’s now happy. she’s recovering and moving on. i hurt her, intentionally. i don’t think i can, i wish i had self dignity to move on. what’s more to say now that he’s mine.
November 25th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
i dont think RHIA is the victim here. She accepted everything in the first place and thats because she loves Ram so much.
As for me, RHIA if you are no longer happy then do whatever it is that will make you happy. Remember some good things never last. Cheers!
November 25th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
i was a querid(o) once and i knew how it felt. rollercoaster and all…aj is right. be selfish. be strong. be ready. tell ram to make up his mind. you deserve the best in this world.
November 25th, 2007 at 11:54 pm
naiyak ako sa story na ito.
bakit kaya.
patay tayo dyan.
nakaka relate yata ako.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:01 am
i’m a girl, married with 2 kids, and my husband is straight i believe. and, i’m a big fan of mgg. i love the wits of the people here. =)
just to answer some of those asking what is ria doing here.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:06 am
Andy gives gay guys a bad name.
Nilamon na kayo ng sistema. In our society, money doesn’t only talk, it also enslaves. In our supposedly equal society, the oligarchs still have control and biting power. pati ba naman love nabibili na?
ang utang na loob ay utang na LOOB. nasa loob mo lang. walang kapalit. kahit katawan. kahit gapatak ng pawis hindi required. ang utang na loob binibigay ng kusang LOOB at binabayaran ng maluwag sa LOOB. hindi nakakasakit ng iba. not at the expense other people.
What Andy did was an abuse of his position of wealth and Ram’s position of helplessness.
Ram doesn’t have balls.
And Ria, why did you agree in the first place? You had kids. How do you think are you gonna explain this to them?
The victims are the kids. Poor kids.
You three adults were the ones who made this decision. You made this whole mess up. I’m sure you know what the right thing to do is. And this time, before you make any decision, think about the kids.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:07 am
Like almost everyone else who posted above, I can relate to this - this is almost my story as well.
I once faced the dilemma of either letting go the one I love, or fight for what I’m feeling. Letting go can mean selflessness, loving unconditionally, but it can also mean having feelings not strong enough that you were unable to fight for it. I chose to fight for what I felt. I chose to make my own destiny - with him.
Unfortunately for my case, he fought for the other “him”, he chose his own destiny as well - a destiny without me.
If you truly love someone, be strong. It’s worth the fight. It’s worth the pain. The best way to love oneself is to love others - that’s what I’ve learned from my experience. I was happy that I was able to make him feel loved. The joy it brought was too much, that if it is compared to the pain of us breaking up, “may sukli pa”. Even now that he’s not with me, I still continually love him, without the assurance of getting loved back, without getting anything in return, like one of those stories in the Bible read to us by our Religion teacher during grade school. Love doesn’t have to be two-way, but in anytime love has been reciprocated, it is a blessing one must forever be thankful for.
Ria has her reasons, so does Andy. It’s all on Ram. I don’t really buy that it is just “utang na loob” that chains Ram to Andy. Ram is being selfish. Or maybe, afraid of the consequences with losing one of you. Hopefully, he’d stumble upon light and finally decide the path he will be taking. Good luck, Ria ^^
November 26th, 2007 at 12:15 am
there is one reality you have to face before making your husband make a choice between his family and the man he owes a debt of gratitude to: are you financially independent to be able to live through your decision, because in the end, this is not about him or his lover, but you.
a man - who projects himself as a happy husband and a loving father - and yet holds a relationship for 7 years with another man is carrying on with the relationship not because he owes that man a debt of gratitude, but because he has deep affections for that man, and enjoys the tangible and intangible benefits of the relationship. i believe that it is your husband’s choice to stick it out with his gay lover and not you. i am certain that if you leave him, he will go after you and pretend that he has left his lover. but you will find out that he really hasn’t, after you go back to him.
the fact that he is maintaining two relationships reveals an innate selfishness in his character. and selfish people need a figurative bitch-slap to awaken them to the harsh and difficult realities in their lives.
bottomline: attain financial independence, gather evidence against your husband and his lover, and file for annulment, making sure that you get him by the balls: you get custody and most if not all of your common properties.
life’s a bitch, and you married two.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:25 am
SPELLCHECK !!! Look for a “real” man sista and move on with your life… no crying over spilled milk …
November 26th, 2007 at 12:44 am
in fernez…ang gagaling mag payo ng mga bakla!!!
go!!go!! bakla!!!
pag bakla talaga matatalino!!!!
November 26th, 2007 at 1:14 am
ria.,
ur situation is very complicated.,
i am rome and have a relationship with a guy who is married also and have 2 boys.,
my impression at first was thinking of getting this man from his wife just to test up to where i can.,
but i also love the guy we’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years now and i know that her wife also knows that coz i even stay at their place and even stay in their room with his husband.
i would feel the same way if ill be in ur case.,
but the thing is above messages are correct.,
ram is your’s there is even a paper which can proove that., and aside from that you got 2 beatigul girls form him., meaning that ram has been commited for you and for your kids.,
ria., all you have to do is to make a decision., and always think of your spouse’s too.,
it would be a great idea if he will leave., coz that will somewhat leave a point in their relationship.,.,
on the other hand., if ram will decide to stay with andy., its his choice ., but you have to decide on your own too.,
ria.,
, utang na loob is really a bullshit thing., it will never end.
you just have to extend your patience
and always ask above’s guidance and knowledge so ull be able to think whats the right thing to do.,
minsan kasi there are situations that as much as we want to avoid., we cant!!
and if that happens we always look for the easiest way that can solve it but although we know there are risks in taking that we often disregard that.,
these are the risks that test ram.
i hope ull be strenghten.,
ria ur a girl not a gay!
November 26th, 2007 at 1:25 am
…frankly! this incredible melodrama doesn’t happen in real life! Not in this day and age! …we all fell for it! tsk tsk tsk!
…imagine Andy suddenly tasting Rufina Patis on his favorite “Vienna Sausage” like ….eeeeeeeuuuuuuU! mouthwash quick! Oops!
November 26th, 2007 at 1:36 am
Ria, binabaril sa Luneta ang mga martir.
The more kasi na you let this issue linger, the more it will consume you.
It should not be that complicated.
Huwag mong isipin na bading ang “kalaban” mo, it’s totally immaterial.
Do what you think and feel is right for you and your family.
Accept the consequences and move on with your life, whether it is with Ram or not.
November 26th, 2007 at 1:43 am
ria,
you can’t decide for ram. but you can decide for yourself. do not fight for him. you have to fight for your own dignity.
let him choose. using andy’s words: ram must now choose between the girl he loves and the man he needs.
i admire you, ria. and you don’t deserve this. you do not deserve a parttime spouse. and the kids do not deserve a dishonest father.
these words hurt me. because i was in the same situation years ago. not as andy or ram, but as the kid. my mom’s story is somewhat different though. but you remind me of her. and your story gave me a different perspective. she told me once, ‘you are better off with this half-a-family of us, a good mother taking care of you, than to have a complete family shrouded by deceit.’ my dad left us, me, to live with his lover. the lover i fondly called tito when i was 5 or 6.
i hated my mom. i hated her for not fighting for this family, this small family of ours.
but maybe she did what’s best for all the three of us. she let go dad to shield me from all the pain.
i still miss him. but i love my mom.
ria, protect your kids. that’s what my mom did. and also, love yourself, that’s what my mom forgot to do.
November 26th, 2007 at 3:08 am
nanggaling me rin jan, but when i get to know the girl very well i started feeling her pain and nde nkaya ng powers ko.. pinaka masakit sa lahat na yata ung ginawa kong pag give way after talking seriously to both of them. but magkaiba kami ng pananaw ni andy…
What i learned in my life so far is that a man with food, shelter and cloth (you both can afford that now) can not only think straight but do things straight.
I agree that confrontation doest not always do the trick…. talk to your husband seriously, let him understand that since you love him so much and you understand what they have been through kaya ka pumayag ng ganon. Let him feel that after 7 years you are still in pain, ask help from him, give him time to figure things out and from there, you decide…
November 26th, 2007 at 7:21 am
i have two words for you - “leave him”
November 26th, 2007 at 7:23 am
Good morning, Migs! Daming nag symphatize kay Ms. Ria. It seems her story breaks the record?
November 26th, 2007 at 7:39 am
Ria,
Hi. You know what? What you are going through is hell. Would you like to live a hellish life forever or at least, in the longest time imaginable?
You have two kids and they are growing up. One of these days, they’ll be asking you about things and i am telling you, it’ll be the most difficult questions to answer. Consider that..
What i am saying here is, accept the truth and live your life how it is to be lived. No one can’t make any decision here but Ram. Talk to him. Make him decide. But before you ask him who he would choose between you and Andy, be prepared for whatever he’ll say or would choose. After that,move on. It’ll be very, very hard, i am telling you.. but of course, you’ll survive. I bet.
Good luck to you..
November 26th, 2007 at 8:00 am
Qoute: PS: before deciding to send this letter, i thought that your readers might go on and say, that I leave Ram and give him to Andy… oh well…and sorry, i’m not a good writer.
I think you have already made your decision so why solicit some advise? If you are going to solicit some advise, you were suppose to clear yourself of any decisions first. I think what you are searching for is not actually an advise but rather a confirmation to strengthen your decision.
I myself can’t give you anymore advise, you’ve already made your choice.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:35 am
PS: Do what you think is right.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:39 am
ang gulo ko. anu ba.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:03 am
ang galing ng scriptwriter?
November 26th, 2007 at 9:17 am
ria, move on. your husband is gay; bisexuality is a fool man’s illusion. when you got pregnant, it was a mistake; responsibility towards his would-be baby forced him to marry you. being a frat man was/is enough for him to be paranoid and closeted; that was the reason why he fell for you. he used you, has used you, uses you, and is using you. Remember: a cock-sucker is always a cock-sucker (you can substitute it with butt-fucker in case he doesn’t suck). Kisses on his body alone are enough to tell you that your husband has gay feelings towards andy. straight men who use gay men for their money seldom allow to be kissed. if you ask me, it’s you who is the kabit. you (have) forced yourself in a gay man’s gay relationship. not to be blunt, you need to move on. Have some self-respect. How could you sleep at night beside a gay man’s leftover. wake up, missy. gay men’s self-hate is worse than other people’s homophobia because innocent people such as women like you and kids are victimized. sooner or later your gay husband will blame you for not letting him go and your kids too will grow up asking why their mother is such a weak person. move on, ria.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:41 am
@blonde_skinny_bitch: SHUT UP! if you don’t like this post, then comment once then leave it alone… why do you keep on commenting?!?!?! ‘only beauty tips’ are you saying that gay men aren’t capable of giving meaningful advice? so what, if our society is pre-historic! at least we still care, and not laugh at other people’s tragedies… so if you don’t have anything good to say, SHUT UP! you’ve said enough. Since your society is much better than ours, stay there and leave us RATS alone!
November 26th, 2007 at 9:48 am
TO RIA:
Think of your KIDS, i know you want them to have a father. But think, I believe it would be better for your children not to have a father kung ganyan din lang naman ang sitwasyon. Talk to your husband, make him decide. if he cannot leave andy, then leave him. You’ve suffered long enough, don’t let this thing go on anymore, you’re actually causing yourself the pain by allowing this to continue.
Like some of the other comments, LEAVING RAM will hurt, A LOT! But then you will learn to move on. You will never stop hurting as long as you are with him.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:06 am
Ria,
I am sorry for this very sad story of your life. I only have a bad news for you. Trust me when I tell you your husband is gay too. NO straight person in his right mind will for a long time entertain a homosexual relationship with someone else. Your husband is enjoying it too and could be happier with Andy’s company. He could probably not calling a spade a spade with you so as not to hurt your feelings and for your own children’s sake and what other people around him expect him to be. It’s only your side of the story we read here not your husband’s and that of Andy’s.
You only have one choice at hand. Give him up. Let go of him or if you can’t because of your professed love of him, then suck it up.
Don’t discount the power of prayer and forgiveness because the three of you are living in sin. You are also part of the problem because you have tolerated it when you should have put a break on it the moment you have found it out, hence you are guilty as well.
I know if you believe in God, He will just lead you in the right direction. Goodluck.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:43 am
the way i see it, you can’t do much except move on with your life. your husband needs to decide for himself.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:58 am
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November 26th, 2007 at 11:16 am
love for self is a primary requisite when you enter a relationship because it will be hard to love someonelse if you don’t love yourself. and when the time comes that after many hardships, sacrifices and perseverance to keep a relationship sailing smoothly; factors that can keep it going smoothly is beyond your control or hard to control, you need to go back remembering the love for self.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:22 am
i have yet to hear andy’s and ram’s side of the story before i could give an objective conclusion.
what if, di lang pera or utang na loob ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw iwanan ni ram si andy? what if mas mahal ni ram si andy kaysa kay ria? na ang dahilan lang ng pagpapakasal nito ay dahil sa aksidenteng pagbubuntis?
for ram then, it would be a conenient set up kasi “matatago” ang pagiging bakla nito at ang relasyon na rin nilang dalawa using ria as a “front.”
corolarilly, if ram realy loves ria, and he leaves andy, what if andy retaliates? what if andy “fires” ram from his job? what if he exhausts all his resources so that ram may not be able to fine employment anymore? changes the whole situation as well.
in either case, all three of them are on the losing end.
real world indeed.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Ria,
I sympathize with you but yes, the opinon is right, Ram is gay too, thats true no one in his right mind would love and lead such a long homosexual relationship. Personally I dont think patching up would work, the problem will just go on and on.
I suggest go seek spiritual advise from a priest, possibly from a Bosconian. Follow the path of the righteous, live a holy life than get wretched with the sins of men. Your lucky to have 2 lovely dauthers, they are GODS PRESENCE in your life and you have a sacred responsibility of ensuring their well being. They came for a purpose so think about them more than think of your current predicament. You have led 7 years of marriage and enough is enough, seek the more important things in life , and GOD WILL GIVE YOU PEACE,CONTENTMENT AND HAPPINESS.
It pains to be separated with such a loving husband but your life , your dauthers and GOD they are more precious than anything else. Believe me, with deep prayers GOD will give you a miracle.
Keep on praying specially to our beloved Mother, Mama Mary.
GLENN
November 26th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
It’s true that embracing love is also embracing the reality of life and death… you have lived love to the point of losing yourself, to the point of dying to yourself….Sorry to say, that you are a dead person now Ria, loving Ram… Resurrect! Leave Ram. He’s a gay. His life is too convenient having both of you. Take your kids with you. Let him also taste bitterness and pain for him to grow. Time will come, Andy and Ram will feel the guilt of hurting people like you.
November 26th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
mag 3some kayo. at kung sino ang mas masarap sa kama dun na lang cya. gandang idea di ba?
November 26th, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Money is not about everything, and Andy isn’t too. I’d like to believe that he thinks he owns the world, or get what he wants, for his wealth. He’s cruel. He’s selfish. I strongly despise him.
Ria, you have to stand up for your right. You have to make Ram decide for two options: to choose you, or Andy. For once, tell Ram to be a “man”, to face this greatest dilemma in his life bravely and not actually just dwell on your current situation. He can’t have the best of both worlds, can he? He has to choose for the ONLY one.
The set-up you and Andy have agreed cannot go on for ever. That has to be stopped. I know that your main reason of keeping Ram with Andy is to have your children fathered. Let’s face it; in this modern world, a single parent can still rear his/her child well.
I’d like you to contemplate on this phrase: “A man is not a man until he learns how to be a real man.” Sorry for saying this but Ram, in my opinion and as I have internalized your story, is the weakest and most coward man I’ve ever known.
Have you (your family with Ram) been attending the mass on a regular basis? If not, I suggest you do it. It might bash Ram in the head and decide to stay with you, and leave Andy. I am gay but honestly I hate how most gays live their lives in this modern world. You have to engage spirituality in your relationship. Pray always, as He hears you and will not forsake you. He never does, anyway. My personal prayers have always been answered; God didn’t fail me once. What I thought before was failure and despair is what I consider now an opportunity to become a better me.
Whether Ram chooses you or Andy in the end, you can’t be alone with HIM. And if Ram chooses to leave you (damn it!), respect his decision. God always have better plans for us. We might not see it today but one day we will. That’s for sure. Keep and fortify that strength in you and keep the faith alive for all the time. Think about your children. Think about yourself. You can’t go on hurting like forever. It might not be easy escaping from the pain but someday you will learn how to.
Zang
http://myconsolingasylum.blogspot.com
November 26th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
2 bagay lang ang masasabi ko kay Ria to Andy: “My husband is not a PIG!” and “Ang asawa ko AY HINDI CARINDERIA NA BUKAS SA LAHAT NG GUSTONG KUMAIN!”…so to Ria, no offensement, you may also tell this to your husband: “Mamili ka: SUSHI or HOTDOG with 2 EGGS???”…pagnasabi mo na ito both to Andy and Ram, the decide for yourself girl…life is too short to be living in somebody else’s life…walk with dignity, step with pride!
November 26th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
That’s correct. STEP OUT FROM YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH RAM WITH PRIDE. . . . You have nothing to lose.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
Walang backbone, walang paninindigan. Pareho lang kayo ginagamit ng asawa mo. Pare-pareho kayong may mali– pumayag ka sa set-up ng hatian, ang Andy naman, pursue pa ng pursue. At ano ang ginagawa ng Ram na yan? Wala siyang sariling decision to stand up for either of you. Go get a better man that you deserve girl. May mga anak ka, do you want them to grow up having a dad like him as a role model? Hay mga lalaking yan talaga.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Ria, I will offer my prayers to all of you involved. There’s a lot of excellent advice from our friends here but GOD knows what is best. I’m sure HE will direct you to the best solution to this predicament. Trust HIM and ask HIM to increase your faith. I wish you and your family all the best.
November 26th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
If i was Andy i let go of Ram. If he really loves Andy he should sacrifice himself. I know its hurting but it should be done.
November 26th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
TO ALL OF US, (INCLUDING andy, ria & ram)
Isang tanong lang ang dapat nating itanong sa ating minamahal at sa ating mga sarili.
KAILANGAN MO BA AKO DAHIL MAHAL MO AKO O KAILANGAN MO AKO KAYA MAHAL MO AKO?
(I got this from a movie, but this I think is very appropriate to the situation)
Sometimes we use people even at the outset we seem to love them. Or can we say that we love them even if sometimes we use them for our own satisfaction? For Andy, is it desire, lust, what you have given to Ram all these years, or companionship, loneliness of being alone? For Ria, is it a steady family life, a man you call a husband, security or the unsatisfaction of not getting what you wish for? For Ram, is it security of being loved by two parsons (You cannot perhaps blame Ram for remaining in these relationships. Who among us will not wish to be loved, be served and be satisfied both waysby the two persons closest to us, or is it the set up, or the pride of oneself? Love is a very comlicated thing. At the end of the day, can we say that we own that someone we love? Love is never selffish and it is kind etc. It is us who make love that kind of love we want. We need introspection, looking at ourselves beyond the facade and wants and desires that we live. One thing for sure, we cannot have everything in this world. We have to accept it. We just have to do the things that can give us peace. We just have to use both our MIND and our HEART to arrive at a better solution to life’s challenges.
November 26th, 2007 at 7:12 pm
ria girl, think of your children. would you like your daughters to grow up with a father who doesn’t know how to fight for his loved ones? love yourself and your children first, let ram choose between his family and andy. give him an ultimatum and if he still can’s leave andy, then its time for you to walk out that door just like a real woman should.
November 26th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Is Ria reading all these comments? I hope she’ll respond to these so we will know what is actually on her mind as of the moment, kung ano ba effect ng mga suggestions natin.
Migs, is Ria in constant contact with you?
http://myconsolingasylum.blogspot.com
November 26th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
world peace…i think u(ria) should decide now for the sake of ur children…let ram go for the meantime and if somehow someday he finds the courage to dump andy out of his lyf for the sake of ur marriage/children then thats the time u decide if u will still have him or not…. for the meantime let him give the benefit of the doubt if he can dump andy… if he really loves u that much then he can realize wats ur worth….i hope u are still strong enough to face this troubles/ nightmares dat hunted all this (marriage) years…
November 26th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
bakit kaya nadelete yung comment ko about peanut butter???? para pinapatawa ko lang naman si Ria eh…Hmmmp….Wish u well Ria…
November 26th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
Dear Ria, and Migs, and whoever is out there,
Love they say has two faces. Love that says that you are loved for who you are and the other love you for who you can be.
I think Ria I’d like to ask you not if you love him, that much is evident, but do you love him for who he is or what he can be?
One accepts with no question, the other builds up the person so they can be better.
Do you think Ram loving Andy makes him better? Is that love the same? Does Ram love Andy?
I hope you can see through what I say that love has to be both. Love in duality.
Ria, I hope you won’t think gays are any different from other people. We are people too. I don’t offer anything except another question for you to answer on your own.
Ram for all his goodness and you see it, must come up to par as your husband and father. Can he be that while he has Andy? And Andy him?
On the other hand, what if you discover he loves him more than you? Would you still love him as he is?
And lastly, do you love yourself enough to see what you are and what you can be? Your kids will need a mother and a father.
I hope that, as much as I am gay, I too hope for fidelity. For I too seek love that sees me for what I am and sees me for what I can be.
I wish for you love in the duality. Unequal but true.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
ps:
I hope you find the answer to loves riddle, for your family and your own sake
November 26th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
to ria: walang katapusan ang utang na loob. ang katotohanan, hindi ito kayang bayaran.
but then, you deserve more than this mess, as one posted wrote, i think you already made your decision, you are just consulting others to strengthen your decision. whatever it is, i hope that it will bring the best for your kids, to ram and to your self. nevermind andy! hehehehehe
November 27th, 2007 at 12:50 am
ang tanong, wiling ba iwan ng asawa mo yang baklitang yan? if you love you’re husband enough then stay with him. if he loves you enough he’ll let the other go.
November 27th, 2007 at 3:17 am
RAM IS A USER. LEAVE HIM!
November 27th, 2007 at 3:26 am
Fact: Ram is married with you.
Fact: Ram kept the relationship with Andy
Fact: Ram is still with Andy although he knew it is difficult for you.
There is an important information which i did not read in your letter. Is Ram receiving any material or financial benefits from Andy? If so, then that means Ram is using him for financial gains. Biruin mo yan, 7 years kang binuhay ng asawa mo sa panggagamit ng bakla. Kung ako sa iyo, iiwan ko yang si Ram para maramdaman naman nya ang mga kagaguhan na pinaggagawa nya. My dear, your husband cannot be trusted.
November 27th, 2007 at 7:52 am
It’s a choice you made, ria. It’s up to you to un-make it. Not Ram’s nor Andy’s. Yours.
November 27th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
That’s the problem with Filipinos, we don’t know when the so called “utang na loob” will end. I say, fight for your man! If your man is still stubborn and still keeps the relationship with the third party, well, he’s not a man at all, he’s not a man to be wasting tears for. I’m also gay, and I can only say that the man’s not the be wasted of your time, love and tears.
November 27th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
do you realize that it not really the utang na loob that your husband cannoy live andy? c’mon, wake up!
November 27th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
i will share your letter to my friends and see what their reactions and comments will be.
http://myconsolingasylum.blogspot.com
November 27th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
inday ria,
may diploma ka naman di ba? makakahanap ka ba ng matinong trabaho? mabubuhay mo ba ang mga anak mo na mag-isa? kung yes ang sagot mo sa lahat ng mga tanong ko, iwanan mo na ang asawa mo. ako day ha, hindi ako biased ke bakla o tomboy o babae o lalaki ang kahati mo sa asawa mo. ang point ko is-MAY KAHATI KA, AT HINDI DAPAT YUN.
November 27th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Hi Ria,
I must say that you are very strong woman in living up to this kind of situation. you need to figure the real personality of Ram since he has been having the affair for quite sometime coz I think your Man has already what we called “bahid” on his Personality. Even if he will let go of Andy, you cannot be assured that he will be faithfull with you and make another mistakes on the same gender preferences. I suggest you think it over to urself - what is really u want - do u stil need him and if that so. then u need to make a compromise agreement.. this is what i want and if u cannot agree in this. then its over - move on - there are a lot of fishes in the oceans honey.. better than ur Ram - its a new millenium - so for a women of the new century - this kind of thing is no more appplicable.. Single parents are nowadys very common in society.. Take care and God Bless!! from Gay Pinoy in Afghanistan….
November 27th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Truth is: it is possible for a person to fall in love with more than one person. I have just finished reading A Home At the End of the World. It was made into a movie a few years back. (I returned the DVD a couple of days late today). Good read. The story is similar to yours. Word of the day: compersion.