Should I Come Out to Mom?
So Gibbs texted me one day, inviting me to join a dinner date with 2 other bloggers. One was Anthony, a closeted gay guy (majority of his blog readers do not know he’s as fairy as the Fairy Godmother), and the other was Mira, a fine lady of regal bearing, and belonging to the senior citizenry. At first I thought it was such an awkward mix, but boy was I wrong!
Like a diesel engine, the dinner conversation started cold and for the first several minutes, I was just listening to the three bloggers talk about many varied things. Until I felt the need to spruce the conversation up a bit. I focused on Mira, and asked, “Since you’re from a different generation, I am very interested to hear your thoughts on gay people.”
Silence.
Then she most carefully said, “One of my sons is gay.”
I knew from then on that the conversation just shifted to high emotional gear. And it was not just for her, but for me as well.
After an almost apologetic confession about her feeling of disappointment when she learned that his son was gay, she followed it up with the explanation that the source of such disappointment was her motherly concern for his well-being. She said that the world, however liberated it has become, is still cruel to gay people. She cited one concrete incident where her son was discriminated on in the university where he studied. It became a formal discrimination case in the university; fortunately, Mira and her son’s side won. “I really worry for his happiness.”
Not without excited prodding from Gibbs and myself, Mira continued to share how she learned that her son was gay. “When he was in high school, I asked him point-blank, ‘Anak, are you gay?’ to which he replied, ‘I don’t know, Ma.’ Had he denied it, I would have been more suspicious; but his ‘I don’t know’ gave me some hope that maybe it was really just a phase.”
But was it? “During his college years, he introduced me to a friend of his. They were very close, too close in my opinion. Then I saw among his things a letter from this friend — too sweet for being ‘just friends’ so I thought that it may not be just a phase after all.”
“Since he was young, I would repeatedly tell him, ‘Anak, you are my best product.’ So when he finally came out to me, confirming my long-time suspicion, he asked me: ‘Ma, am I still your best product?’”
This is where I, after listening very intently to Mira, finally was not able to hold back my tears. I remembered my mom whom I love so very dearly. She, like Mira to his son, told me since I was young, that I was her best product. I get embarrassed whenever she tells everyone, relatives and her friends, how I took on from her my natural smarts, confident bearing, and amiable attitude. As Mira continued talking, I saw my Mom in her person, and thought to myself, she may be going through the same internal struggles and unnecessary worry. (I am not out to Mommy and to the rest of our family, but I am sure they know.) I emphatically told Mira, as I would imagine telling my mom, she shouldn’t be worrying too much. Mom’s done a hell of a great job in raising me up as a good and able person — that I am confident I can hack whatever discrimination or cruelty comes my way. What is important to me is to relieve my mom of her unnecessary worry.
And as the evening of insightful conversation with my fellow bloggers came to a close, it left me with a lingering question. Should I come out to Mommy? Would it actually help in relieving her of her worries about me?
Possibly Related Entries:
- For our next podcast: Coming Out
- Podcast: Coming Out, part 2
- Be True, Be the Extraordinary You
- Podcast: Coming Out, part 1
- Podcast: Coming Out, part 3
- Wet Christian Bautista + Tidbits
- Roxxxanne’s Troika
- Podcast: a new series coming up!
June 12th, 2007 at 12:51 am
I can’t imagine coming out to my mom yet. I just came out “involuntarily” sa office recently and it pains me how they know the truth about me while my own family doesn’t.
I’m actually just waiting for my parents to ask me… haha. Hindi ko kaya i-open yung topic sa kanila kahit alam ko malakas sila mag-suspect these days.
To answer your question, yes. Your such a genius with this blog and how you present it with wit. Your mom should be proud of who you’ve become… =)
June 12th, 2007 at 1:42 am
She’s gonna have to learn about it sooner or later, thats for sure. Since you are already financially independent, you don’t have much to lose… And I do agree with the saying that mothers have a sixth sense when it comes to their kids (just look at Mira). Ultimately, telling her might either weaken your relationship (or even cut it if she is extremely religious) or make it even stronger.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:25 am
hi migs..wow dats a tough one.. I’m sure uve gone thru d pros & cons a million times n ur head already & its very likely that u already know the answer to ur question, nahihirapan ka lang tanggapin..so I’d just leave u with this morbid thought (sorry, those pathology classes really leave their mark)..if u were to die tomorrow, ok lang ba sa yo that ur mom never got to know the real you? true she mustve always suspected pero iba pag un confirmation nanggagaling sa atin.. trust me, she may never admit it but your mom can only love you more afterwards.. may the truth set you free..
June 12th, 2007 at 5:02 am
its really very hard & so many aspects & feelings to consider, we’re in d same boat migs, praying in time, all shall soon be well…
June 12th, 2007 at 6:11 am
My mom has been through a lot. My eldest straight brother is into drugs; my second closeted brother has come out to me and my sister. Now this puts on a lot of pressure to me not to come out. The last thing I want to do in this world is to break Mama’s heart (only the cruelest man will do that). I know she has sensed it in me. But I have decided not to come out to her. I don’t want her thinking where she’d gone wrong, because she is a very great mom.
June 12th, 2007 at 7:02 am
Though sometimes when you get hurt so badly you want to run to her and spill out your problem knowing she can comfort you, but that one thing is holding you back for you don’t want to hurt your mom.
*sigh*
I agree w/ Q that mom must have sensed it already, that she maybe only waiting for us to say it. Wish there could be more of Mira that we can learn from them on how to they feel so we can think of better ways to come out.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:15 am
hi migs,
if you think your mom would be better off knowing the real you, then come out. but just be ready for her possible reactions (especially if she is the religious type). still, if you think she already has an idea about your sexuality, and you feel the need to give her an assurance that you can manage whatever it is that comes your way (e.g. discrimination and stigma), maybe it would be better that you come out. i remember when i came out to my mom, part of the reason that she was hurt was the fact that she was not the first to know, because i came out to a few friends first. i know you’ll know what to do. God bless!
June 12th, 2007 at 9:32 am
That is a tough one, Migs. I think you are the only one who can really asses your Mom’s reaction and the after effects of such revelation. It is important to gauge your Mom’s state of being at this point – is she happy and strong emotionally? Will your sexuality create too much of a conflict for her and her religious beliefs? Each person’s situation is different so perhaps it is best to ask yourself (after making a list of pluses and minuses) – is coming out to your Mom a net gain for you both? It is always difficult to reveal something of ourselves if we think that it may cause pain and upset to someone we love dearly. But then again, I think love has to come from both directions. Whatever you decide, Migs, it has to be right for you. I wish you all the best.
June 12th, 2007 at 10:02 am
If you ask me, Migs, I definitely am on the side of your coming out to your mom, regardless of whether she may be religious or not, or whether it might break her heart. My mom is super-religious, goes to Mass every single day, prays three times a day. Yet, when I came out to her, there was nothing but unconditional love and acceptance. She expressed some surprise, saying “Hindi naman halata, anak” but I am quite sure that as a mom she had a sense that I was not completely straight. Her eyes watered a bit, but she did not break down. And afterward, she quietly said, “Anak, ang hiling ko lang: huwag kang magli-lipstick at eye shadow.” I did not know if I should laugh or cry with that.
It did help that I was financially independent and living away from home for some time. But I think that it is not your mom you should worry about but yourself: are YOU ready to come out to her? If your mom is anything like my mom, who I believe is a typical Filipino mom, you don’t have to worry about her reaction. The truth will set you (more than your mom) free.
Having said that, I can see why moms like Mira would be worried for our happiness as gay men. It is up to you to assure your mom that you are happy as you are and that you have the faith and confidence in yourself that you will be able to face whatever life may throw your way with elegance, beauty and poise.
June 12th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
i came out to my mom last year believe it or not thru text…hehe wala ako lakas ng loob to admit it in person, kahit sa text na tense ako sobra kung isesend ko ba o hindi.
June 12th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
He is still my best product.
Haven’t said so in so many words to him but i think he knows.
June 12th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
as i always said…you only need to answer when ask…it is better this way…
and miggs correct me if im wrong but it seems that you are thinking ahead from your mom…(Would it actually help in relieving her of her worries about me?) i don’t think she ever told you how worried is she and if she does i think it is so natural of a mom to be worried about her siblings future in whatever status her siblings are in as long as she lives…
anyways as we all know that worries destroy our thinking, disrupts our work, destroys our mood and disfigures our face…so get rid of it!!!
June 12th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
waaaaaaaaaaaaaa ,ali grammar ko huhuhuhuhuh dapat as i always say…sowi
June 12th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
dont worry my dear she will understand!
June 12th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
I think all mothers know. All they need is the confirmation. I guess they could not do much about it. All they want is the best and as what Mira said mothers only fear for the happiness their child.
June 12th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
Im married so its impossible… if there was a pill to be stright id take it. this is my opinion so if ur planning to geve a negative feedback, keep it to yourself;
June 13th, 2007 at 2:24 am
As of now, I dont have any plans to come out, yeah I feel that they already knew.. matagal na but I guess, hinahayaan na lang nila. So far, wala pa naman akong nauuwing boylet sa bahay. Girl meron, that was when I was in college.
I hate when my younger bro comment about gays he saw on TV and he throw grabeng comment to Paolo Ballesteros, Piolo Pascual, Erik Santos and other rumored Bading.. parang gusto ko na tuloy sumabat na, what’s wrong with them? ha?!!
pero syempre, ikaka shock naman un ng brother ko. ohh life..
June 13th, 2007 at 2:26 am
that was when I was in college.
should be: that when I was in college.
tyureee. tao lng.
June 13th, 2007 at 4:14 am
when my mom found out (accidentally), she told me i would burn in hell, i was like a snake in her house.
It is most painful - coming from someone you love dearly.
But I know she said it out of shock and concern for my well being.
June 13th, 2007 at 4:41 am
i don’t think i’ll have issues coming out to my mommy (half-praying). last sunday, she and papa were watching this afternoon showbiz talkshow that featured the alleged lesbian relationship of Nora Aunor. As expected, papa, who was a bit stupor from a ‘bangagan’ seession, was like: ‘yang mga yan abnormal yan. pag ang babae naki-pagrelasyon sa kapwa babae, baliw yan. ang lalaki pag nagkagusto sa kapwa lalaki baliw din. mga abnormal! (hik)’. but mama was just ’si nora ang pinag-uusapan dito.’ I love my mama!
June 13th, 2007 at 6:16 am
Wrestler, is your Mom now okay with you?
June 13th, 2007 at 6:54 am
That was a touching story. I guess all of us gay men go through the same dilemma since we were kids. I’m not out to my mom and at 44 and single, I think it’s pretty much a no-brainer for my parents not to know. You have to hand tt to them though that they don’t ask me. They have met my two previous bf’s and they got along well with them. Of course I introduced them as my friends. I still stick to the “don’t ask, don’t tell policy”. It makes life a little less complicated for all of us.
June 13th, 2007 at 7:41 am
Migs, Well that explains your very boyish voice in your podcast.
Questions you have to answer to yourself:
1. Are you comfortable with your present personality? Is there any guilt somewhere? Are you at peace with yourself?
2. Have you seen your mom react to situations like the story above?
3. Will she accept you no matter what?
4. How about your family, how will they react?
5, Does everybody know except your family? If yes, why?
These are some questions that will help you feel if it’s time to reveal yourself. Funny, some will say ‘why concern yourself with other people?’ Well, we live in a world full of people. Though it is important to be at peace with yourself (since that’s the first question you must address), well, no man is an island. Your family will be a good gauge of how people will accept you (though we accept you as you are). But blood is blood, family does matter. Somehow, the family stature matters, your mom’s place in society. This might cause her miseries in case she still won’t be able to accept you as you are.
These are just insights. Huwag na tayong plastic because this is reality when someone tries to come out of his shell. You just can’t blurt it out not thinking of your love ones. In any case, I wish you peace in your soul searching. All the best Migs.
Yes, world peace!
June 13th, 2007 at 8:37 am
my mom is my idol, i idolized her so much, and she will be the only woman i will love in my entire existence.
she said the same exact words: “at least i know that i will be the only woman in your life”… moments after she knew about my preference.
June 13th, 2007 at 10:47 am
you should tell you mother. It’s not just “the answer” she’s waiting to hear. She’s wanting to be part of your _whole_ life. Even if she won’t like to hear the details (at least at first), she’d want the peace of mind knowing you have a romantic/social life. She’d be happy to know if you have a group of gay friends you can lean on, romantic propects, etc.
June 13th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I wish I could say something positive. I came out but its all about tolerance with my mom and I.
Yes she knows.
but you know what? It was my dad and still my dad that plays my heart when I told him, ” Nakipag sex na ako.”
“Babae ba?”
” Ok sana yun, pero di eh.”
” anak ingat ka. Marami dyan pera lang ang habol sa mga katulad mo.”
” Opo dad. Di kayo galit?”
” Di eh, kasi mahal kita.”
And until now, even if things are bad all over. I remember, my dad loves me.
June 13th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
I came out first to my siblings. They said they know since we were kids. =)
But I have not told my mom, but she know about me being gay. My sister told her.
Her reaction was the same as Mira. She reasoned against my sexuality. She doesn’t want me to end up alone and a sad clown.
I am still her bunso and she loves me, and I love her. But there are things that I felt isolated because I cannot tell her my heartaches, my pains in life. I just want to spare her the unnecessary burden of undestanding me which is an unknown territory for her.
O wells. I wish life could have been and would be easier for gay people like us.
June 14th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Whoa! dami comments… nwei may karelasyon ako na gay and my mom always say na iwasan ko sya. siguro dahil pareho sila ng iniisip ni mira?
June 14th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
It’s very hard to be like this, all the more for me being married but we will be fine. For everything that ever hurt us, there are thousand other things saying welcome to the world. Belong to it and it belongs to you…
June 14th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
@my yellow shirt mended,
grabe. crayola ako sa sinabi ng dad mo ah. you are so proud of your dad!
June 16th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
well. to each his own solution. some mothers know and you know they know and there’s no need for formal declarations. perhaps both parties are testing their limits. it’s a modus vivendi that has served many a 40-plus gay guy. kung kwarenta ka na at di ka nagpapakita ng interes sa babae o sa pag-aasawa, ano pa ba yun?
so the problem probably lies in the families who think they’re as conventional as adobo. you know, ayaw ng bakla sa pamilya. ewan ko ba kung bakit when it’s as natural as ever naman. who are they to think they’re exempted from this phenomena. this are people who tiptoe ever so delicately aout the issue and sometimes erupt in emotional outburts. hay. they think being gay is un-happy because that’s how it is in their small world. (problem is, most of the time they don’t know their world is small, in fact, sometimes they think they’re the best people in their barangay, town, city or they have the most advantages, etc). i can only hope that the gay guys in this situation gain the ability to step out of their little world and see that they have the freedom to create a happy life.
June 18th, 2007 at 7:52 am
Hello… I wasn’t able to come out to my dad. He died before I graduated from college. But I think he knew.
I came out to my mom during a time I was deeply depressed, shortly after college. I had no choice but to tell her. She was worried at first, even asking for advice from her sister. Now, my mom and I are very, very close.
When I was younger, I vowed to be the best son I could possibly be. I was never the rebel, I did what was expected of me, I got good grades in school, I helped in the household, I didn’t play around or get into trouble. My philosophy was to do whatever I could to excel, so that my homosexuality would be irrelevant. I’m gay, yes, but I refused to allow that to define who I am.
July 4th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
ako hindi ko na need mag out kasi feeling ko obvious na rin naman sa nanay at sis ko…tinotolerate (but i don’t think they accept me as me no) naman nila ako…kaso ingat ako pag nanonood ng mga gay porn movie kasi baka sabunutan ako at pagsasampalin ni nanay hahaha.
one more thing, pag may hot guy sa tabi-tabi, esp. yung mga crush ko, i usually start to act clumsy na…obvious na! hahaha
anyways, hindi ko pa naman kinakarir ang pagiging gay…saka na siguro kapag milyonaryo na ako para pag may manliliit (juice ko sa kong ito, may mga nanliliit pa sa akin no! kaloka!) sasampalin ko sila ng mga pera ko…syempre dadamputin ko agad kasi pera ko yun no! hahaha