So Gibbs texted me one day, inviting me to join a dinner date with 2 other bloggers. One was Anthony, a closeted gay guy (majority of his blog readers do not know he’s as fairy as the Fairy Godmother), and the other was Mira, a fine lady of regal bearing, and belonging to the senior citizenry. At first I thought it was such an awkward mix, but boy was I wrong!
Like a diesel engine, the dinner conversation started cold and for the first several minutes, I was just listening to the three bloggers talk about many varied things. Until I felt the need to spruce the conversation up a bit. I focused on Mira, and asked, “Since you’re from a different generation, I am very interested to hear your thoughts on gay people.”
Then she most carefully said, “One of my sons is gay.”
I knew from then on that the conversation just shifted to high emotional gear. And it was not just for her, but for me as well.
After an almost apologetic confession about her feeling of disappointment when she learned that his son was gay, she followed it up with the explanation that the source of such disappointment was her motherly concern for his well-being. She said that the world, however liberated it has become, is still cruel to gay people. She cited one concrete incident where her son was discriminated on in the university where he studied. It became a formal discrimination case in the university; fortunately, Mira and her sonâ€™s side won. “I really worry for his happiness.”
Not without excited prodding from Gibbs and myself, Mira continued to share how she learned that her son was gay. “When he was in high school, I asked him point-blank, ‘Anak, are you gay?’ to which he replied, ‘I don’t know, Ma.’ Had he denied it, I would have been more suspicious; but his ‘I don’t know’ gave me some hope that maybe it was really just a phase.”
But was it? “During his college years, he introduced me to a friend of his. They were very close, too close in my opinion. Then I saw among his things a letter from this friend — too sweet for being ‘just friends’ so I thought that it may not be just a phase after all.”
“Since he was young, I would repeatedly tell him, ‘Anak, you are my best product.’ So when he finally came out to me, confirming my long-time suspicion, he asked me: ‘Ma, am I still your best product?’”
This is where I, after listening very intently to Mira, finally was not able to hold back my tears. I remembered my mom whom I love so very dearly. She, like Mira to his son, told me since I was young, that I was her best product. I get embarrassed whenever she tells everyone, relatives and her friends, how I took on from her my natural smarts, confident bearing, and amiable attitude. As Mira continued talking, I saw my Mom in her person, and thought to myself, she may be going through the same internal struggles and unnecessary worry. (I am not out to Mommy and to the rest of our family, but I am sure they know.) I emphatically told Mira, as I would imagine telling my mom, she shouldn’t be worrying too much. Mom’s done a hell of a great job in raising me up as a good and able person — that I am confident I can hack whatever discrimination or cruelty comes my way. What is important to me is to relieve my mom of her unnecessary worry.
And as the evening of insightful conversation with my fellow bloggers came to a close, it left me with a lingering question. Should I come out to Mommy? Would it actually help in relieving her of her worries about me?
Possibly Related Entries:
- For our next podcast: Coming Out
- Podcast: Coming Out, part 2
- Be True, Be the Extraordinary You
- Podcast: Coming Out, part 1
- Podcast: Coming Out, part 3
- Wet Christian Bautista + Tidbits
- Roxxxanne’s Troika
- Podcast: a new series coming up!