In Pursuit of Happiness
RG-boy: Migs, I’m depressed. Inom tayo. It’s about the same thing I told you before. I feel bad that I can’t bring myself to tell my family about my being gay.
Migs: Well, you don’t have to tell them.
RG-boy: I have to. I want them to know. Importante sa akin na tanggap ako ng pamilya ko.
Migs: Yun naman pala eh. Then go, tell them.
RG-boy: I can’t. I just can’t. Inom tayo.
Sige, inom tayo. Let’s drink till the cows come home. Till the carabaos come home. But after that, will your issue go away?
Some of you may feel this issue is so passe. That it’s so “yesterday.” But, listen guys, it *is* an important issue. Since this blog became relatively popular among Pinoy gay guys, I’ve been receiving upto 5 emails a week, from different people, as young as 14 and some in their 40s, asking me how best to open up about their sexuality to people that are important to them. They ask, “Migs, I want my family to accept me, but I can’t just open it up. I don’t want to get rejected.” The issue may be too melodramatic for some, but for me who gets to receive those emails, I feel and taste their sadness. I get sad myself. To those people who seek my advice, I say the same thing, maybe in many different ways: decide to be happy. Decide to do what it takes for you to be happy.
When I was younger, I loved reading inspirational stories. As I read more through the years, and grew more mature, I noticed there were far too many of these stories that espouse the idea that happiness is nothing but a simple decision to be such, they say –
Happiness Is a Choice.
Furnish your mind with happy memories.
I think more about it, and a simplistic analogy comes to mind. Does it mean that when I feel sad, I just have to imagine beautiful, happy things – “think flowers!†a friend once blurted out – and voila! I will instantly turn around a full 180 degrees, from sadness to happiness? I say, not so fast, dude.
I have an alternative way of understanding it. Perhaps when it is said that “Happiness Is a Choice†it assumes that one has to decide not just to be happy – but to do things that are needed to make one happy. It is similar to the original idea, but definitely different in the practical sense.
There are two important steps that are missing in the original, simplistic interpretation:
1. Know what would make you happy. (Is it wealth? A loving relationship? A family that knows and accepts you as you are?)
2. Decide to act, and then act purposefully. (Do what it takes to attain that which would make you happy.)
So yes, happiness is indeed a choice. But rather than just fluffy happy memories, furnish yourself with thoughtful self-knowledge, and purposeful, steadfast action to attain that which makes you happy.
Possibly Related Entries:
- Letter from a Silent Reader
- The Opposite of Happiness
- And Yet Another Married Man
- The Elusive, Elusive Mr. Right
- Cost of Curiosity
- Podcast: Coming Out, part 3
- Meditation and Yoga
- Victor Basa is asked, “are you gay?”
March 11th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
ang lalim ng topic!!! hindi ko maarok!!!
March 11th, 2007 at 10:19 pm
YOu know, sometimes even if you’re not vocal to your family that “you are not what they think you are”, eh alam na rin nila but they are silent about it. Malalakas ang pakiramdam ng magulang. So just be happy that your family already loves you now.
March 11th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
korek!!!sabi nga why state the obvious?
March 11th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
I too have the same problem, and i too wish that my family could know who i truly am. but the problem is that they have this mind set regarding gays, bisexuals, lesbians and etc. they find them degrading dahil sa typical gays that are found here in my community. i wish these gays would act with dignity and respect para naman and iba sa atin hindi maparusahan ng mga panglalait na hindi naman para sa atin. ako im planning to tell my family in the future but right now, im establishing a reputation or an image na worthy of their respect and love. my plan might back fire but hey at least they might have second thoughts kung ano talaga ang mga gays. and hoping against all odds that they would think differently of me. ang masasabi ko lang kay RG-boy slowly or subtly show how you want them to perceive you. i mean if you want them to see you someone respectable then have some self respect, if you want them to see you someone lovable and worthy of their love, then be loving and dont be judgemental. but fair warning lang ha this might not work but at least it’s a start or at least you tried dba! good luck
March 12th, 2007 at 12:34 am
I was once like that… thinking too much of how will I say to my folks that I’m gay.. but I come to realize that why disappoint them ng harapan, I mean, I totally agree with Josh… parents natin, malakas ang pakiramdam… Di ko sinabi sa kanila na I’m gay… I just express my self kung ano talaga ako, and eventually you’d feel na tanggap ka na nila, kasi ngayon nagsisimula na silang mag joke sakin about gay stuff… The thing is, hwag biglaan yong sasabihin na gay ka… dahan dahanin, it might just work, na di na kailangang sabihin pa…
March 12th, 2007 at 1:10 am
happiness should be the 1st priority. . .
March 12th, 2007 at 7:05 am
Actions speak louder than words.
Most likely, your family might already know you’re gay. Similarly, they do not want to ask you the same way that you are hesistant of telling them the truth. Hey, by not telling them, you’re not a liar since nothing also has been asked. So in the meantime, live your life as it is today. Maintain the status quo. Make the best of everything today. Most importantly, strive hard and ACHIEVE in what you do best that will support you throughout life. Simply stated, maghanap ka na ng trabahong susuporta sa iyo. So that one day, kung sakaling nagka-alaman at, worst scenario, itinakwil ka, you have already laid the foundation for your sustenance. You have something to support yourself and be proud of. Sa ngayon, you should be sincere of what you are and track your destiny in pursuit of your happiness.
March 12th, 2007 at 7:35 am
hmm..nice topic..nice thoughts there migs and also to the “repliers”..hehe..
March 12th, 2007 at 9:12 am
I first came out to my best friend before I embarked on my first job and it turned out ok - point is, you have to be practical when you come out. YOu have to be at a point in your life where you need your family not for their financial support. Kaasi, if it turns out that they are not as accepting of you as you had hoped then they won’t have a hold over you - and you can either write them off or wait for that time in the future when they are able to accept you for who you are.
Best of luck to all who are still in the closet..
March 12th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Clearly, for RG, coming out to his family is very important, in fact this is a major cause of his unhappiness. On the positive note, at least RG already realized and accepted himself as a gay person (self-realization). RG also recognized that it is important for him not to hide his true-self from his family (reason for coming out). Also, RG admitted to someone about his sexual orientation (who should you tell first). Perhaps without planning it, RG is already halfway there in his coming out process. Of course his greatest move (which is coming out to his family) is yet to happen. RG can do this either “gently†(by giving small hints over time) or “loudly†(by sitting his family down and telling them, with confidence, about himself). Face-to-face confession is not always necessary, especially if you don’t like confrontations. You might like to write to them first and give them time to react in their own way. This is probably a better approach if you don’t live at home. But even if you live at home this will still give them time and space to process this information. Remember that you have probably taken a long time to get used to the idea yourself and others might need the same amount of time. Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the person you are writing to, space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a very hostile or negative reaction. It is best that you at least have some inkling as to how they will react to your revelation. This way you can prepare yourself, especially if it is going to be negative. However, whatever approach you decide to take it helps greatly if you are at a stage in life where you are strong, confident and sure of yourself. If you exude happiness about your decision, often it is easier for people to accept it. You shouldn’t do it when you are being drunk, angry, vengeful or hurtful. You should also be prepared that rejection to some degree is very likely, maybe not from your immediate family but probably from some friends or acquaintances. On the practical side, you should also make sure that you are financially self-reliant. In the end though, you will realize that the oppression that you are feeling is not coming from the outside but rather from inside you. In essence, your happiness really depends on you. The bottom line is, if you are prepared to the possibility of being rejected by your family then you are ready to let them know who you really are. Clearly you are unhappy being in the closet but (as Migs says) to numb your feelings and blur your life with alcohol will never bring you closer to any level of happiness. Whatever approach you decide to adopt, you are the only person who can choose it, and I wish you luck.
March 12th, 2007 at 9:53 am
conflicts — these are what we are afraid of, but the more you choose not to come out, the more you will have conflicts with your :
family — you have the fear of rejection, your younger brother may see you as a role model and if you come out to them, they might treat you the other way. your father expects you to get married one day ( you can get married though and be discreet, but that’s another story ) and have a happy family, but you will not
friends — some may reject but there will be more who will accept and truly understand you for being one, most friends even if were still in the closet already knew about you, just waiting for the right time for you to come out and they are there to help you out.
yourself — yes, this is true that you will have conflicts within yourself. you are confused. bewildered. thats why you come to a point to think if you are to tell your family and some friends coming out on the closet.
***O***
be ready. be fair. be competent. and justify to the society that you are who you are and you can still make a difference beyond all borders.be confident. we all have to.
March 12th, 2007 at 10:14 am
If you’re not ask,,, never say anything…
If you want them to love who the real you,,,then be who you really are,,,in thoughts,,,in words,,,and in actions…
Most of them will be against who you are,,, but thats who you are…just be patient and be more understanding to what they may say,,,think,,, or much worse do to you(hope it wont end like this,,,but lets just take the extremes)
And one more thing be very successful financially… i know money cant buy happiness,,,but once you’re financially secured everything follows…
mwah!!!
March 12th, 2007 at 11:04 am
hanggang ngayon issue pa ba yan ang pag-come-out? dapat siguro isama na lang sa school curriculum ang ‘Being Gay: How to come out to your parents, friends and the community’ as a subject that you have to take for 2 semesters.
nakakapagod na ang mag-basa ng mga ganitong kadramahan. dadagdagan pa ng pag-inom-inom … di ba super drama na? susunod na topic niyan … bading na alcoholic!
ay naku .. ang mga bading nga naman! nakakainis! sila rin ang gumagawa ng kanilang uhnappiness!
March 12th, 2007 at 11:21 am
tingnan mo nga naman anton maton… pati ikaw may problema ka rin, kahit out ka na, it doesnt mean na happy ka na di ba? and tanung? happy ka ba having these words for all of us?
March 12th, 2007 at 11:33 am
sorry yori, i dont need to rely on others to find happines for myself. kung di ka masaya sa sinulat ko … that’s your problem not mine. basta ako … happy ako sa sinulat ko! getz mo?
March 12th, 2007 at 11:50 am
di naman ako ang hindi masaya, i am out and proud, my family has been very supportive to my endeavours, there is no reason not to be happy. I have friends to carry me during the times I am on my lowest vantages. hoping to be your friend too and be happy. why make a sad face frowning whilst you can have a smile on your face.
March 12th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Ang tataray naman ng mga tao dito. Ayoko na nga magbasa! O ano ngayon YORI, tiklop ka kay Anton Maton. hahaha.
Anton Maton: Maton ka ba talaga o kunwari lang yan? Kasi pag maton ka talaga, pwede magpaalam makipag sex sayo? hihi. Peace bro!
March 12th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
i hate confontations….so i opted to reveal myself thru my true-blue mannerisms (fluttering fingers, hello?)….and i think they’re happier with that….wla nang ilangan kumbaga…they’re sensitive enugh not to confirm my sexual orientation anymore….
March 12th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
wHEN i COME OUT WITH my mom, I already he has a hint that I am gay. But I still find a guts to tell her via letter.
Of course she came on a havoc of dismay. It is almost an endless arguement after that. Especially, when she found out that I have someone special.
I think the problem is in the filipino mentality and perception of what being gay is. Ang Pinoy kasi pag sinabing bading ang nasa isip lang eh yung mga gays na typically portrayed sa mga filipino flicks na pineperahan ng mga lalaking manunuba, malalswang kumilos, bulgar, etc etc etc…
I think thats what my mom is afraid of. But I guess I have proven my worth and my true value a gay man. Now, although at times, he would still knock me out with her silly antics of getting a girl i can marry myself into. I have domestic partner living with me, and mom in the same roof.
Happiness is a Choice. Take the Risk, and Claim its Beauty.
March 12th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Let me correct myself:
wHEN i COME OUT to my mom, I already know she has a hint that I am gay. But I still find a guts to tell her via letter.
March 12th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
I agree with jholou, understood na kse yan ng mga parents at lahat ng kasambahay kung bakla ka. Kasama mo ba naman sila 24 hrs sa bahay, sila pa ang hindi makaramdam. Alam na nila yan kung may keps ka o wala. Hindi na kelangan ang out-out na yan! Kung hindi ka accepted sa inyo, sana sinumpa ka na nila. Sabi nga ni Kuya Germs, GO RG-GEL!
March 12th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
To Angelo … di mo kailangan magpa-alam kung gusto mong makipag-sex sa akin. Sabihan mo ako kung nasaan ka tapos kunyari iha-hunting kita. Tapos pag-na-corner kita… lalapastanganan kita - as in re-rape-in kita! okie ba sa yo yon? hehehehe!
March 12th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
i haven’t read the whole post (kasi kapos oras ko, internet cafe lang ako nakaka-on-line) but I am guessing that I have the same problem with RG-boy. I think one would feel happier when he can finally tell his loved ones who he really is and they accept and love him for that.
but it’s quite risky. THat’s why other people are quite pressured. I guess it would be better if you don’t rush into things, as one of the readers commented ‘huwag biglaan’, as much as possible do it gradually.
I am still in the closet and though I want to tell everyone that I am gay; I am postponing it, I don’t think I am ready to come out just yet… When the time for a person to come out comes, he’ll know… Parang LOVE din ‘yan…
March 12th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Anton Maton: Di ako sanay na ako nire-rape. In most cases, ako nang re-rape. Sige for a change. Haha. Hi to Kaleena and Little, miss ko na kayo!
March 12th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
I meant Little Fish…
March 12th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
There are three ways parents would react when their child tells them he is gay:
1. They listen to what he has to say and eventually accept him and love him for what he is.
2. Reject him, they ask him to leave the house and disown him forever.
3. Listens to him and then pretend that nothing was said. The next few years they would treat him like he does not exist.
While it is very important to tell your parents who you really are, first know how accepting your parents are when it comes to radical news. Lalong mahirap kung nakikitira ka pa sa mga magulang mo. I suggest, if you are financially capable, that you get your own apartment first and be comfortable in your own skin. Then find a chance to tell your parents. If they don’t want to accept you after you’ve told them, at least wala na yung drama na “Lumayas ka!” kasi may sarili ka nang apartment. You have your own life na. Ang attitude ko diyan “Kung hindi nila ako matanggap, problema na nila yon.” Malungkot pero na hindi ka nila tanggapin pero, hello, masasanay ka rin. They are worst things in life.
Things are much more difficult when you live with mom and dad. Baka ang first concern nila pag sinabi mong bading ka ay “Naku, baka sinu-sinong lalaki ang dadalhin mo dito sa bahay” or something like that. Or “Hindi na kami magkaka-apo” or “Saan kami nagkamali?”
When I came out, I came out only to my mother because I knew my dad wouldn’t take it easily. And true enough, up until he died, we never resolved the issue. And whose fault was that? Definitely not mine.
If you intend to tell our parents or brothers and sisters be ready for the worst. Make sure you know what your next plans are because in case things gets nasty, hindi ka kawawa.
Your being gay is priviledged information… it’s not for public consumption. And revealing yourself to someone you love is the best gift you can give to anyone. If they reject that gift, damn them. Go on and live your own life. Love the way you want to love. Be successful. After all, a successful life is the best revenge.
March 12th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
i read this posting just this morning. a bit surprise. never thought migs would post part of my story.
i know this story is a bit old. pasensya na ngayon lang ako nagdadalaga. hehehe.
been searching for myself and at last finally accepted what kind of person i am. di naman ako madrama. minsan lang may pagkakataon na dumarating siguro sa isang tao yung depression moment. at isa ito sa dahilan ng depression ko that time.
i never had the courage before to accept my being gay because i don’t want to disappoint my family especially my parents. i had several straight relationships. and they ended not because i am gay.
most of my sisters would always ask me when will i get married. and just the other day, my straight friend asked me to go out at may ipapakilala raw sa akin na babae. it’s a pressure for me. they don’t know my sexuality. my sisters never had a hint simply because i never grow up with them. as for my parents, wala na akong problema because they both passed away. my male friends, sabay-sabay pa kaming maligo noon. magkakatabing matulog. baka bigla silang mandiri at isipin na ang katabi nila ay gay.
some of my previous girlfriends are my barkadas. and this is one thing i am considering if my sexuality will be known. iniisip ko lng na baka sabihin nila na ginawa ko lang silang panakip butas. and this might cause a broken friendship.
my community is another factor. i have a very close relationship with my neighbors.
these factors are important for me.
sabi nga ni migs dati, di ko naman kailangan ipagsabi na gay ako. just be myself. but sometimes pressure of questions like bakit wala ka girlfriend, kelan ka mag aasawa sometimes annoy me.
there was a time: i didn’t attend my cousin’s wedding. because i know people would asked me about me getting married.
i know the right time will come. kung mabisto man ako ng mga mahal ko sa buhay. at mangyari na di nila matanggap, ay maaring di maganda sa pakiramdam.
sus, andyan si migs. oi! sasamahan mo akong uminom.
salamat sa mga comments. i will repeatedly read these postings and try to learn some lessons u guys experienced before. maybe it would be easier for me.
migs, wag mo muna ako ibibisto. salamat din.
March 13th, 2007 at 7:55 am
parents really know who you are no matter how hard you hide it….napakahirap magkunwari…. and now your experiencing it…truth will really set you free…it will make more productive and happy because your acting according to who you are…just do it…but be ready for the outcome no matter what…if not..just let your true self hide in the closet and be content with that…ikaw pa din ang mag dedecide for your destiny…..gudlak….
TO ANGELO AND ANTON MATON…. ako ng lang ang gahasain nyo!!!dream ko mag parape sa dalawang
bading….ha! ha! ha!…..
March 13th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
2nd post…. I also get some those irritating questions as to when r u getting married esp in my age, somehow my answer will just be a smirk in the face or grin a little, gud thing that i have been active in church my whole life, so the follow up question will be … mag pari ka na lang kaya…… ooohh. perhaps single blessedness will do..
March 13th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
ha ha ha. talk about attending weddings.
i remember i attended my cousin’s wedding years ago. siyempre my aunts would gather ’round and ask my other cousins and i when we’ll eventually get married. iwas to death kami ng mga pinsan ko. but when my aunts caught up with me, bigla nila akong tinanong ng “oh ikaw, kelan ka mag-aasawa?” i told them bluntly “hindi po ako mag-aasawa kasi lalaki po ang gusto ko.” nakakatawa kasi biglang tumahimik ang reception. pero parang hindi pa rin nila na-get. my oldest aunt asked my other aunt: “ano daw? bakit lalaki?” then my lola, around 85 years old during that time told them “bading daw siya. kaya tigilan niyo na ang apo ko.”
nakakatawa ang lola ko. kaya lab ko siya eh.
March 25th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
Migrating to Australia had been the best decision I ever made. It provided me with an opportunity to start a life I’d like to live. Having said that, it wasn’t really an overnight occurence. Transition from a denial phase to self-realisation had been gradual. My first kiss with a bloke did not happen until I was 27. Then a little over 2 years ago, I met someone special. It wasn’t long after that when he moved in with me. At that time, my parents who are in the Philippines never knew I was gay. Nor did my sister who lived in another state here in Australia. It was at this point in my life when I am so contented that I do not not care whether they find out that I am gay. One day, my sister rang and my partner answered the phone. He then passed the phone to me and the first question my sister asked me was: “Who was that?!?!” Then I just decided right then and there to tell the truth. She then went on to tell my parents despite me telling her not to. Then there was an awkward couple of months that followed. I was just to afraid of allowing my parents to confront me about the issue. It was when my dad was in hospital that I had an excuse to ring them. They told me how disappointed they were. I still remember how hurtful those words were. It feels as if being gay is a failure. Eventually they got over it. Now whenever I ring my parents my dad would always make a joke of how I am playing the “wife”. I guess it is still difficult for them to accept the idea of what being gay is all about — that it is not about me being a woman trapped in a man’s body; I am just a man who happens to love another man. Then the coming out continues — friends, acquaintances, workmates, etc. It is a lot easier from hereon. I somewhat agree with what some of the other replies that success is the best revenge. I made it a point to be self-reliant to be prepared for the eventuality of being disowned. But then, why be vengeful in the first place. Love conquers all things. I’d say, so be it.
April 7th, 2007 at 1:28 am
RG-Boy, we have the same dilemma. Pwede makijoin sa inuman? Hehehe “In vino veritas” - in wine, there is truth. hehehe
Anton Maton, I hope you do not discourage others from seeking advice about how to come out. Buti nga si RG, he seeks guidance on how to do it right in his situation.
Vince, your lola is smart, assertive and she loves you. Ang ganda ng lola mo. hehe
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:44 am
well said migs.
May 27th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
[…] This is the 3rd and last part of our Coming Out podcast, recorded by the Troikasters Gibbs, McVie, and yours truly. Here we feature a guest podcaster, RG Boy, who shares his issues on coming out to his family. RG Boy is also a blogger at GayNGame, and was previously featured in a previous MGG post. […]