Tuesday

On Breaking Up, Calling Catharsis

7 Comments November 14, 2006 – 3:34 pm | Share and Save | Permalink |  Print This Post |

Gay blogger Mandaya Moore writes:”Dumiretso ako ng kwarto. Gusto kong maiyak pero ewan ko at bakit di ako naiyak. Mas gusto kong maiyak nang nakita ko ang mga hangers sa kama. Inuwi na ni Kulot lahat ng gamit niya. Tiningnan ko rin ang mga nakatuping pambahay niya, wala na rin. Totoo na ito. Hiniwalayan ako ni Kulot. (Kulot is his boyfriend of 5 years.) Di na ako naghapunan. Nagkulong ako ng kwarto. Nakahiga. Depressed pero di maiyak. Sa isip ko, limang taong mauuwi sa wala.”

What can I say?

It is a time for sad introspection and melancholic reminiscence. It’s a time to grieve. And Mandaya, and everyone who is going through a similar phase, you need to cry. Even if it means forcing yourself. Catharsis can help you spew out all those raging tension inside. I tell you, and I speak from experience, it really helps. Only then can you better analyse where you are and how best you can move on.

The Lovers Guide says:

He’s dumped you. What advice is on offer here? Pick yourself up? Get over it? Life moves on? Well, it does, in the end. You will – but that won’t happen straight away. There’s more than a little unhappiness to get through first. Rule one: don’t be ashamed of admitting that and letting it happen.

It’s important you give yourself time to feel small. So you’re big and happy and gay, right? Don’t be afraid to let that projected self-image crumple a little while you reconstruct. You need to go through the process of grieving. Don’t think that you shouldn’t be feeling what you do. It doesn’t make you weak or less of a man. It just means you’re human.

Believe this: once you accept the reality and let yourself cry it will soon be over. It won’t hurt that much again. You will return to it occasionally – healing takes time – but the worst will have passed. You don’t want it to pass? That too is natural. It is natural to hold onto grief as the confirmation of the reality of that man and that relationship – as the proof that it was real and really meant something. And that need too will pass.

Curl up, find some time to sit there on your own, licking your wounds. Then one day you’ll wake up and discover you’ve come back to life. You’ll start looking around again, noticing other men again. How pretty the world looks! It will become time to treat yourself, take yourself shopping, have a day at a health spa… Enjoying life. You might even feel a little foolish for the way you let yourself get so worked up about that tosser! At that point, play the scene and enjoy being single. Pretty soon you’ll be considering new relationship-material possibilities and letting your emotional doors swing wide open. It’ll be time to think: ‘Have I learnt nothing!’ Then just going along with it, up for the ride.

Mandaya, this song is for you: