Thursday
Gay ConfusionCost of Curiosity
Once upon a time, when I was still calling myself bi, bi-curious, straight-tripper, confused, curious, and many more labels that just meant I was a man interested in other men, I spent literally loads of money to explore. I call it the cost of curiosity — curiosity in the gay context.
There was this one time when I was in Shanghai, on one of those business trips where my company sent me to manage some regional projects. I was billeted in Shangri-La Hotel in the Pudong-side of the bustling city, and on one weekend when I was not doing anything, I decided to chat via Yahoo. I “met” this one guy in the chatroom who I thought was of the same kind as me — bi, bi-curious, straight-tripper,… etc. In short we hit it off pretty well to the point that I had the urge to call him using my cell phone on international roaming. We talked, and did something else too, for more than an hour, maybe even 2 - so imagine my surprise, fast forward several days after, in Manila, when I saw my cellphone bill! It was 2 months worth of my salary!
Looking back, yes it did cost me a lot of money just to give in to my repressed urges then - I being curious-slash-confused-slash-bi-slash whatever - but thinking it through a bit more deeply, maybe there’s something to learn here.
Maybe the cost was not so much the loads of money I spent, but the cost of missing the happiness of being myself, of not enjoying the things I would have experienced had I been more free to express myself. Indeed the cliche time is gold applies here. We cannot bring time back. Opportunities, however, are worth much more than gold. Missed opportunities can also mean missed experiences that would have brought much more happiness in one’s life. This may be the cost, the bigger cost, of curiosity.
But all is not lost, as we can indeed learn from the past, and possibly multiply its value by sharing it with others. I hope you too can pick a lesson in this little piece.
Post Tags:
Related Posts
- Why do you read MGG?
- Are you still confused?
- Attila the Horse-Hung
- Need someone to talk to?
- “It went too fast, my friend.”
- The Mind of an Exhibitionist
- The Facades of Gay Guys
- Vintage Hunk Gabby Concepcion
Nov 2, 2006
Reply
never too late for some…
Apr 7, 2007
Reply
Seems nangyari din sa’kin yan. And what a coincident? I was in Shanghai, too, for an overseas assignment. Hehe.
May 2, 2008
Reply
I agree with you Migs…time is gold!
I myself is in a situation where i wanna do this, do that, but i can’t! Simply because of the social stigma..I have not come out openly about my sexuality…Everytime i go to a new place, i play “paminta” kahit kumukulo na ang laman ko sa mga nakikita kong yummy. I have been to several foreign lands and cities and have always missed the chance because of my “paminta” effect. Gustuhin ko man gumawa ng nararapat na gingawa ng bi/gay/whatever, what hinders me is, what if my fmily will come to know? WOOHH ang hirap!
I just hope i’ll be strong enough to sya to he world “I am gay!!!”