And Yet Another Married Man
I received this email today:
Hi I’m Mark, and im married. Been in this marriage for nearly 2 yrs. i know myself and i know what i want. however what holds me back is that im afraid and dont want to hurt my wife whom i adore so much. She gave me everything..her trust..her name..her happiness..and for me to call it quits would definitely be devastating..i cant afford to hurt her that much..i love her.. i maybe horny all the time but after i get off all seem to go back where it should be.. i dont know but words coming from you will probably help me in anyway..thank you in advance..cheers
Dear Mark,
If indeed you know what you want then great — happiness is in the journey towards the achievement of your goals. You are one lucky guy: you have a wife who loves and trusts you, and you say you adore her so much. The convergence of this and what you say as “what you want” is the crux of the matter. I sense that instead of a convergence, though, you have a divergence.
If that is the case then another level of knowing the self is called for. This is a more difficult issue. The quick and clean solution is to go gay, and temporarily suffer the consequences of a failed marriage, then move on. But I believe it is not the only solution. I would dare say, try your best to save the marriage, and see if you can really go straight all the way. This can be very difficult because it is a life-long battle, but I believe it is not impossible. I know of gays who went exactly this direction and have been pretty successful.
Lovingly yours,
Migs
Dear readers, maybe you can comment in your thoughts too?
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December 14th, 2006 at 5:11 pm
I strongly suggest that you go gay. What’s important is that you should be true to yourself and stop hurting your wife’s feelings with such lie. Remember, it may hurt a lot when you spill the beans, but if you continuously lie and be untrue to her, and not opening up with the real you, later on a lot of ugly things will show up, mean rumors and ugly hearsays will bring your marriage to trouble. If you could withstand these consequences, and still maintain your image as a straight person then go, still, there are things that meant to happen. There may come a time that you will have difficulties of making things up and you are only making it worse. Yes, I acknowledge that you love your wife, but what’s important is being true to yourself. I also acknowledge what Migs said, that a lot of gays are successful making it way to being straight, but it is after they confess to their spouses what they really are. In view of the modern times, if you manage to spill the beans to her, and she accepted you of who you are, then what I suggest is that you engage yourself in an open relationship with each other if she’s open to it. I am much sure that in that way, you have all the freedom to do all what you want to do, provided that you just properly set the records straight that you are to engage yourself with protection. You know what I mean. Well, this is just a suggestion, it’s not necessary to follow it, but it’s a good suggestion anyway. This could even save your image.
Trully,
Tonskie
December 14th, 2006 at 5:12 pm
the last word should not be image… it should have been marriage.
sorry migs..
December 14th, 2006 at 8:45 pm
dear Mark ,
Obviously, we all have different dreams and ideas we want to create for our lives.Who you have, what you own, what you eat, who you know, where you go, are not the true measures of true happiness. Happiness is the opportuhity to continually grow emotionally,socially, spiritually, physiologically and intellectually while contributing in some positive ways to others.
You said you know yourself well and you love your wife fully BUT you are not happy because your sexual identity keeps on haunting you. Somewhere between your lines I could sense that there is no congruency at all:
Number one, if you love your wife then set her free .
Number two, if your wife loves you, there will be no reason for her not to comprehend what you feel and accept your real identity.
December 14th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
Let yourself and your wife grow accordingly. Do not imprison yourselves into the bondage of “fear of hurting her”.The more fear you have, the more pain it will cause in the end….Just be yourself and life will go on smoothly. Good luck!!!!
December 14th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
Happiness is a choice, You have gotten married for a reason and if that makes you happy keep it and be faithful to that marriage. You have said it yourself that once you get off from that period of being horny everythings back to where it should be, the only issue i see here is if you are becoming unfaithful to satisfy yourself. If that already happens i think that you owe it to your wife to be honest but if you can assure yourself that you can go faithful all the way and just get off that period of being honry without being unfaithful and not hurting your wife then save the marriage. I also know of a lot of married guys who kept their marriage and lived a happy life. It is a difficult journey but who says that life isn’t. Everyday of our life is a struggle. You have the choice to either make it or break it.
December 15th, 2006 at 1:29 am
Whatever makes you happy go for it. Just make sure nobody gets hurt.
Di kailangan magtago. Marami babae makakaintindi sa puso ng kapuso
We all have one life to live.
Be happy.
December 15th, 2006 at 11:09 am
I don’t care what other gays would say, but I soooo agree with your message to Mark.
Bravo Migs!
December 15th, 2006 at 12:37 pm
i heard this in a movie once. a girl discovered that his boyfriend had a sexual history with another man. (before their relationship) and decided to split up. the guy just said that being bisexual (or maybe gay) is not an excuse to be polygamous. you enter a relationship with a desire for it to be exclusive and eternal regardless of your partner’s gender.
maybe you should ask yourself if you truly love your wife still. maybe that’s why there’s less of a motivation for you to stay within the bounds of your marriage. regardless of your real sexual preference, you should practice a sense of responsibility for the commitment you have made. that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through it. you just have to handle things responsibly.
or maybe you should also ask yourself if your level of discipline and strength of character is mature enough. like the bisexual man in the movie said, sexual preference doesn’t give you the excuse to go fucking around. whatever you do now, make the commitment and stand by it. if you don’t, even going gay won’t keep you from going astray. (di ba mga bading?)
personally, i am staunch in my belief that honesty to self should always be a big consideration. but beyond merely acceptance and pride are core human values like commitment, dedication. neither are mutually exclusive. but whether you decide to stick to your guns or to correct a discovered mistake, you have to always commit yourself to it.
December 18th, 2006 at 8:47 pm
Like you Mark, I am also married. Mahirap lang sa umpisa, but you’ll be fine. Ang mahalaga, alam mo kung ano ang problema at tinatanggap mo. As long as maingat ka na wag masaktan ang asawa mo, okay lang yun. Life is like that. Me mga bagay tayong ginagawa na hindi natin kontrolado not because we dont have a choice kundi talagang gusto nating gawin. Sino ba sa atin ang ayaw ng self-satisfaction. Una sa lahat sarili muna. Wag kang bumigay kung yan ang gusto mo. yan ka eh. yan ang totoong ikaw gaya ng kung gaano katotoo yung mga open talaga. kanya-kanyang style yan. Goodluck. Tandaan mo lang, kahit na nakakandong na sa iyo, wag na wag kang aamin. that’s the golden rule. hehehe!
December 20th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
Bakit ganun?
I think that if its the sex that gets you then it has its place.
Gay people either go out or come out.
If you’re closetted, then that’s that.
The question is, what if you find a guy who loves you back?
It might seem corny, but what if he does see you for what you are and he falls for you.
What of that love?
first come first served?
Shucks.
though I am not about to preach how you should reach out and uhm, touch someone, then just don’t lead on a guy that its more than just sex, and you should have to face the consequences when she finds out who’ve you’ve been.
been a querida enough times to know,
its not good
Suggest watching sex lies and videotape
December 26th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
I’m not sure I’m in a position to give an advice but there’s so many married and closeted gay guys. Which is really sad. Andami kong nakasex na married gay guys this year, and they’re even proud of the fact that they are married. Sigh.
December 28th, 2006 at 6:00 am
hi migs! hope all is well.i just read your reply with regard to my email about my predicament. i really appreciate you for taking the time to read and more so give me a unbiased reflections.i certainly needed that and it did really help me to realized some things about myself.i thank you for having me in your corner and i just wish you the best of everything..may it be personal or professional..you didnt know how much you impact a lot of people with your columns here..kep it up..love you migs..
by the way ive read some of the comments from some of the viewers here..ill singled out the one from ” hustlingmind”..it feels good to have someone with me on the same page..
Migs..would it be possible to have his email add.?.i know its something that is quite personal..i just want him to be my friend not for anything else but just mere friend..i do hope youll reply…if you have time pls send it to me at
again my appreciation for the kinds words and may God continue to bless you and your family….
mark
December 28th, 2006 at 6:06 am
thanks all for your comments,..really appreciate them..
January 1st, 2007 at 11:12 pm
i say don’t come out. like hustlingmind i’m also married but technically i don’t consider myself gay (yet) cause i haven’t had sex with another man. what i know is i’m attracted to men. and whenever i feel horny i just masturbate and thats it. avoid having a relationship with other men. reserve your intimate moments to your wife. with determination you can do it.
i want to ask mig if it is possible if he can survey his bloggers how many of them (us) are married?
January 15th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
hi dusk..hope all is well..thanks mate i really appreciate what you wrote down for me..hope youll touchbase..be safe mate..
February 22nd, 2007 at 10:25 am
The issues of this married people knowing lately that they fall for same sex is really difficult. On the first place, it was a hypocrisy on the first place why you marry when you know deep inside na bakla ka. Being gay is not actualized by the environment. It is not purely psychological. It is an inborn feeling. Bata pa lang you already know that you are special that you are gay. Marrying is onle a facade to our personality. It is not the answer to our problem. In fact it worsens thing because once you decide to come out from the closet, marami ng tao ang masasaktan in the process. Children, the wife and the relatives will be affected. Too many shattered dreams and lives just because of our denial.
I may sound harsh but I only came out when I was 20 years old and for 20 years of my life I was in self denial that I had so many girlfriends. It was a learning process but the learning was achieved in a hard way.
I hope that this helped a lot sa sitwasyon mo.
Just be honest with yourself and nothing can go wrong. Weigh your options. Contrast advantages from disadvantages of coming into the open and you will realize that life is beautiful…..despite of….
March 8th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
I hope that Mark finds the friends he needs to vent out the problems he faces. But though we don’t touch base on this, I still say, if you have sex with a guy. Or even feel anything remotely like love, don’t lead the guy on. Or yourself.
Its just too easy to fall into the trap of it being just a fling. A one time thing yadayadayada.
Don’t forget, other men might feel just as betrayed as you think your wife would feel. I think, we’re just as human and valid too.