Fighting the “gay transformation”

Hi Migs,

I do hope you read this. I know you’ve probably received tons of e-mails asking for your advice, and all may have the same story theme and you might even at one point get tired of reading such similar lines of stories. And I guess this is no exception.

No one knows that I may have some gay tendencies, or at least I would most likely accept being bisexual rather than completely gay. I’m really fighting it, I tell you. The reason? I have a girlfriend and I really do love her, and already have some plans of marrying her. But I guess fidelity doesn’t exist only within the borders of a straight relationship and heterosexual lust. Lusting over the same sex while in a straight relationship is another face of infidelity.

As I’ve said, I am in the continuous battle of fighting this “transformation” of mine, and the only outlet that I got while not fighting it would be reading your blog and at the same time trying to understand my situation, looking for the light in most of your entries and some of your reader’s insights… looking for similarities in the situation and trying to either justify or reject some of my actions and thoughts.

My first experience

It started only about last year when I had my first experience with the same sex, at least the full deal of it. I do admit that even before, I had some short encounters but were only limited to BJs and I was always on the receiving end, nothing more. At that time, I was able to fight it, find it yucky at times and would still have the guts to decline offers and look away from malicious stares. But after my first real experience last year, everything changed.

I just came from the airport form a meeting abroad and just had to go back to the office to drop off some treats for my officemates, to at least lessen the bulk before meeting with my gf and bunking in her place. I was waiting for a taxi when suddenly, for some weird reason, I got eye to eye contact with this guy in an SUV. Suddenly he stopped just a few meters away from me. I guess instinct and sheer stupidity and his “Are you getting in or not?” got me walking towards the car, opened the door and looked into the eyes of the devil himself. Though I got to admit, it was his demonic good looks that got me to climb onto the passenger seat. I was right, he was Chinese-Filipino and extremely good looking. Even the fact that I was holding a possibly 5 kilo baggage and the feeling of some common prostitute didn’t stop me. He took me to his apartment. I was silent the whole time, and honestly trembling. I think I was having some severe palpitations as if I’ve just drank a whole pitcher of brewed coffee. He was aggressive, and thus I played the bottom role. It was embarassing on my part as my nervousness possibly stopped me from getting a complete hard on and I kept complaining how my ass hurts. After which, he even asked me to be his lover, asked for number, and asked to see me again. Everything happened too fast and all I could say was “no”, I guess I was still too scared and guilty of what had just transpired. Needless to say, the experience stuck to my brain like glue that dug deep into my veins. Imagine my weird feeling as I still had to sleep over my gf’s pad. Imagine me having sex with my gf with that pain still up in my ass. Imagine me regretting not giving him my number.


It’s been a year now and no one knew of what happened, no one but me and the Fil-Chi guy. I’m still with the same gf, and am still planning to get married. But there were nights when I’d still think of the Fil-Chi guy and wished that I could have at least given him my e-mail add, if not my number even my address. Every time I’d drive by his area, I’d be looking for that sinful house, but alas, I couldn’t find it.

I was thinking, maybe if I could see him again, and then realize it was just a one time deal, then maybe, I could peacefully move on with my life… with my wife to be… and forget about the past. But for now, even the slightest scent of Abercrombie can make a blurred flashback of his face. And after the event my thirst for the same sex just increased. I hated myself, but loved the experience.

I simply am still confused, possibly just like any other bi/ gay guy who had just discovered this “transformation”. I need your take on this crazy situation I’m in. I cannot break it off with my gf, and yet I cannot stop thinking of him. Help…


Ken’s bitch (ken was the name he gave) the   digg:Fighting the   spurl:Fighting the   newsvine:Fighting the   furl:Fighting the   reddit:Fighting the   fark:Fighting the   Y!:Fighting the


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38 Responses to “Fighting the “gay transformation””

  1. ewan Says:

    to be honest, i am in the same situation as you are…the only difference is that i am not in the planning-to-get-married stage…now enough of me, i know it is really hard to be tested at such a crucial time in your life. all i can say is that, you have to make a decision…would continuing to marry her assure you of a happy and at the same time faithful life with her? you alone can answer the question but the best i could say is go for whatever makes you happy. we end up hurting people along the way and if your happiness has to mean doing so, remember, it is for the utmost happiness for the both of you!
    P.S. i am thinking of breaking up with my gf and go gay full-time…sorry if i’m a bit biased…all for your happiness bro! may you make the best decision.

  2. Q Says:

    Hmm.. If you still like having sex with your gf, you’re most likely bisexual. However, if you start gravitating more towards males (and later drop females altogether) you’ve most likely undergone the transition from bi to gay (which is controversial).

    Think about it, if you feel this way now, and in the future, you’ll still pine for male accompaniment, I’d say it would be wrong and foolish on your part to continue on a relationship with your girlfriend. Continuing would just further something which for you would be wrong and you’ll regret going on forever.

  3. chester Says:

    ken, if i were you, don’t jump into the gay lifestyle… that “transformation” is a point of no return…

  4. vince Says:

    i hate to say this, but i think you ALREADY ARE what you fear turning into. perhaps your “hetero” relationship is a denial outlet–your unconscious way of telling the world you’re at least “bi” and not exclusively “gay.” just a thought.

  5. hary Says:

    for profesional help, e mail me at I know someone who can help you,in a combined psychological and religious approach! There is hope bro! You can get out of it if you want,, life is a choice,, changing is very much possible! Its right you never gave ur number to that fik chi guy or else youl get stuckd,, e mail me and il refer you to my friend, dont worry, ur identity wil be confidential,

  6. hary Says:

    definetely its free of charge,, before iam leaving a gay lifestyle but since i felt the love of God, it makes me realize my purpose, i must admit that until know i have the same sex attraction thats why iam browsing into this page, but unlike before iam stronger now, i found inner peace and calmness,, life is a battle! But with God in your side, he wil make you a winner! Il wait for your e mail bro,

  7. Ken's bitch Says:

    @ewan: tough decision, hurting someone is scary, I guess I’m just toooo scared

    @Q: Its just that at least I can see some future with my girl, but if I decide to become gay, I just can’t see anything beyond that… partly maybe I’m afraid of growing old alone (I know some might say gay relationships do last, but com’on, its still a rarerity here in PH).

    @chester: “point of no return”, is this based from experience, is there a gay person who wanted at one point in his life to “return” but coudn’t?

    @vince: one of my fears, but no, I’m still holding on to what I think I still am now… just plain confused.

    To migs, thanks for posting this letter. That was fast… hehe. Happy anniv! :)


  8. Ken's bitch Says:

    @hary: thanks… I must admit, there were times that I feel that God is too far, or when He’s near, I would just like to hide…

  9. hary Says:

    i never thought of God’s love until i experiencd it, sobra sobrang nakakalunod s saya, akala ko ipinanganak ako at mamamatay n bakla, hindi pala,, d friend im refering 2 u is not a religious leader, he is a psychologist at san beda and ust,, and thru him ul mit some other people like us, hu wants to change our life and find hapines joy and peace,, im sure d k maligaya s buhay mo ngaun, then just giv it a try, no one wil know except u and my friend,

  10. Pravilno Says:


    how would you feel having married with that love and at the same time having to think about someone (or something) else… you said you love her but how come there is a space for doubt (or infidelity) in your heart?

    sabi sa a love story (by Dante Rivero ata yung taartits na nagsabi), “never pick a flower, for flowers are like women, once picked, you’ll never find that beautiful flower again…”

    unless you can say that you truly love her (without doubt or infidelity in your head) then go with the marriage. but if otherwise (yung may doubt ka or infidelity in your mind) i suggest to stop and try to examine your self and your conscience (kesa naman sa sirain mo kinabukasan ng gf mo.)

    transformation is just there… you dont have to think about it right now… kasi di naman yan aalis eh… and isipin mo is yung relationship, your gf at yung sarili mo na pwede mong sagasaan later on.

    I still believe in love in its purest form. Love is not love if its alteration finds. Hope this helped…

  11. hary Says:

    dont make it 2 late, wag sana n nasa death bed k n saka mo sya hahanapin,, listen to the small voice from within, d mo kailangan ng himala para magbago, kailangan mo ng profesional help, not unsolicited advice, though it might help,,

  12. Pravilno Says:

    Hary, wag mo naman po sanang “menos-in” ung mga unsolicited advice… alam naman nating lahat na hindi lahat ng nagbabasa ng blog ni mgg ay mga profesional psychologist. pero I think the main reason why problems like Ken’s is being posted ay para somehow may taong makabasa na dumaan na sa same na situation at i-share nila ang kanilang point of views (experiences and mga questions na hindi nasagot ng taong dumaan sa situation na iyon)… at the same time para maeducate na rin ang ating mga kapwa na maaring makaexperience rin ng same na situation. it would be nice rin to have that friend of yours be reader of mgg para we can have his point of view (professionally speaking). yun lang po.

  13. Raymond Says:

    To Ken’s bitch -

    I don’t know who this God that Hary is talking about. Probably the same God that has been foisted upon us by the Catholic Church for a long time. But believe me, Ken’s bitch, the One True God loves all of us, gay and straight alike. And the reason why we are gay is that God made us gay. It is a gift, not something to run away from. I have tried to run away from my kabaklaan for more than two decades, hiding in the closet, until God told me, ever so gently, “I love you as you are.” Now at 41, I am happier than ever, as an openly gay man. I am a lawyer working with the United Nations in Cambodia, and all my friends and family know that I am gay. I am out even at the office. My parents both know I am gay, and they are prouder of me than ever. I am sexually active. And all of this happened because of the grace of God, the God of Love and Truth and Beauty. Jesus said, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.” Ken’s bitch, if you want Life, you have to live in Truth; there is no other Way.

    By the way, happy anniversary, Migs! More power to your blog, which reaches out and touches so many people around the world, even in Cambodia! God’s blessings to you and all of your readers. The world has become a more compassionate place because of MGG. This is the way to world peace. I salute you, Manila Gay Guy.

    Raymond Alikpala

  14. hary Says:

    ok, we nid it but make a bold move, unsolicitd advice can help, as i said,, pero kung gus2 mo ng definite n sagot, ask an expert, by the way its free,, b4 u get stuck and reach the point of no return, experts can help u decide,, especialy experts who believe in the power of God

  15. Homie Says:

    @hary-professional help? for being gay? or wanting to take it up the ass? Every experience is unique to the individual-you may find your “salvation” via religion but it doesn’t mean that it’s applicable to everybody.

    @Ken’s bitch-only you know what YOU want.It’s your body and it’ll point you to the direction it wants to go. Take responsibility, though, for your actions and realize that nobody can tell you what kind of life to lead except yourself. Best regards…

  16. Homie Says:

    Hi Raymond-great comment…

  17. Pravilno Says:

    Hary, I think you are being impulsive na… you dont have to force ken to do it “ura-urada”. give him time. as far as counseling is concern, you cant force someone to take a step unless that concerned person will find it in his heart to do it… relax okay… i know he already read your advert. you just have to pray for him… i know too that he is considering your option. kaya relax ka lang dyan…

  18. Tony Says:

    Ken, give it a real hard thought what you want to do. I know too many gay guys out there who have gone into marriage or thinking about it just because society is pressuring them to get into one.

    I was just telling migs about this term that I heard a couple of days ago. Its the first time I heard about it, certainly haven’t heard a international equivalent…but here in the Phil they have this concept of “nambakla”. Where a straight man turns gay after having gay sex.

    A lot of straight men have homosexual encounters (40% in the cities and 60% in the provinces, if you are to believe some surveys). Do they turn gay? No, I don’t think so. If you are straight, you are straight. The difference is if you are obssessing about it. So which one do you think about more? That one short encounter or your relationship with your gf? That should be a clear indication of where you sway.

  19. hary Says:

    i agree with tony

  20. Migs Says:

    Hello all! I welcome diverse opinions here, no problem. Just a reminder though, do not attack people, no ad hominem attacks please; it would be best to argue based on ideas and opinions. Thank you, and world peace!

  21. McVie Says:

    @KEN: It’s interesting and even fascinating that you should choose to call yourself “Ken’s Bitch“.
    From what you wrote, you’ve had several BJ encounters before going all the way with Ken. Also from what you wrote, it seems you’ve never bottomed again for another man; it seems you’ve been obsessing over this Ken for a year now. You wanna see him to know if it’s just a one-time deal… but what if, after you meet Ken again, you’d want to do it again with him and maybe even accept his proposal for a relationship?
    In the end, it boils down to this: YOU CHOOSE. Sure, you can ask for solicited or unsolicited advise from friends, strangers, MGG readers, priests, professionals and armchair psychiatrists; they may help you consider and figure things out. Yes, you can even ask God thru prayer. (If He actually answers you in a loud, booming voice… find a priest or a shrink FAST! Oh, and tell me about it too.) But in the end you will need to take responsibility for your choices and actions.
    So HARY, I’m happy that you’re in ecstasy over God’s love. Pero wag mo naman madaliin ng over si Ken. Let him go at his pace.

  22. hary Says:

    im sory if iv bin so rude,, i respect all ur opinions, thanks also

  23. Pravilno Says:

    hehe… di ka naman po rude eh… excited ka lang po and we understand that…

  24. george Says:

    Ken, what is more important to you: coming out or marrying your girlfriend? i asked (kahit hindi ideal ang situation) kasi either way may problema naman eh. Whatever we decide to do, it is not going to be ideal anyway. So ask that question for yourself. I asked the same question: I married my girlfriend.

  25. RonTab Says:

    Ken’s Bitch

    Life’s full of tough choices - as Ursula from The Little Mermaid (Disney Version) said. We make choices, usually, based on what we know now. It may be right to get married to your gf that you love. Whether it’s pressure from society, family, etc or a genuine desire to take that marital step, it is your conscious choice. But sometimes we have faith to rely on. Some give it to fate. Face your fears. Face your realities. Who you are now is not who you were before and not who you will be. We change - all feelings, desires, ambitions, wants, needs, and yes, even love.

    It has been a year now since that experience and it seems to be unforgettable. You have some deep desire there pare. Seeing him once more will not make you move on peacefully. He doesn’t hold the answers to your questions. You desire to see him because of the what-ifs (or how you’ll do it better - joke). You move on, on your own, with your gf or with a new guy! Or by yourself. Madonna once sang: Poor is the man whose happiness depends on the permission of another.

    God is love, that is correct. If you choose this path, He still loves you. If you decide to switch back, He doesn’t love you more, He doesn’t love you better - He loves you, just that, always, ever since, forever.

    Professional help can open your mind to information. That kind of help, as far as I know, doesn’t force you but instead guide you.

    Comments from others is a reaffirmation of one’s beliefs. Would love to hear more from all of you.

    Happy Anniversary Manila Gay Guy!

  26. anton maton Says:

    andami naman tumalak!ok fine! bottomesa in the making or whatever. next please!

  27. DesperateHouseboy Says:

    Uhh, professional help?

    Doesn’t that make homosexuality sound like a disease?

    Cut to: “Boss, I can’t come to work today. I need to avail of my sick leave because I’m still gay.”

    Teka lang…

    And you wanna put religion into the equation?

    The Bible contains six (6) admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two (362) admonishments to heterosexuals. How’s that any help?

    (Personally, it strikes me as God thinks straight people need more supervision.)

    Well, everyone’s entitled to an opinion. And I am of the opinion that whether I’m gay, straight, bi or Thai, as long as I live my life not treating anybody like crap, God will love me. And She will take me for who I am.

    Ambigat naman nitong thread na itoh.

  28. God Loves Gays Says:

    Laging kong nababasa ang mga advice sa mga katulad ni ken’s bitch na nalilito sa sarili ay “kung sang ka masaya”. Hindi ko sinasabing mali. Para sa akin tama nga yun. Ngunit ang hindi ako sang-ayon ay ang konsepto ng “pagiging masaya o yung paghahanap kung saan magiging masaya ang isang tao”. Madalas nalilimitahan natin na ang kasiyahan ay matatagpuan lamang kung saan ka komportable at kung saan mo nararamdaman ang tunay mong sarili. Maraming paaran at sa maraming sitwasyon na pwede tayong makahanap ng tunay na kaligayahan. Halimbawa si hary, malamang nahanap nya tunay na kaligayahan sa paglilingkod sa diyos.may mga tao nakikita ito sa paglilingkod sa kapwa. Hindi ba natin naiisip bakit may mga martir na asawa? Malamang may nararamdaman silang kaligayahan sa pagsasakripisyo ng sarili. Ang tunay na kaligayahan ay nagsisimula sa sarili hindi kung sa anong sitwasyon nandun ka. Mas naniniwala pa rin po ako na mas importante ang paniniwala at prinsipyo.

  29. tnoi Says:

    isa lang ang advice ko. pray. pray that you ‘ll make the right decision and that you’ll find genuine happiness

  30. larrygp Says:

    POINT OF NO RETURN???….some guys think being gay is a choice and when u choose to be gay, you have the option to be straight again?

    bottomline, ken is gay, the issue here if he should continue his relationship with his girlfriend. if people think being gay is a sin, fooling a girl is worse than that.
    just get real, you dont have to come out now, but do yourself AND GIRL a favor, dont’ marry her.

    FOR HARY: did professional help made you straight? you think you won’t die a gay person anymore? the problem “maybe” is you equate being gay to being promiscuous. maybe you dont sleep around anymore because you found God, but honey, you are still GAY….just like me.

  31. Quentin X Says:

    What the hell is wrong with being gay?!?! I love being gay!
    I am glad I am born gay! Being gay is not a bloody disease. It was taken off the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders over three decades ago and for good reason. There is definitely no need to seek help unless you are depressed!
    I don’t have an issue with myself. Some people around me might have some but I do not give a Mantra is: I love being free. Priceless!

  32. Glenn Says:

    the only time one is able to live a happy life is when they have inner peace. i dont know how others get it. but for me, how can you be happy if you yourself is not in perfect union with who you are? yourself is your worse enemy. so before something else goes wrong, reconcile with yourself and love yourself. only then will you realize whether you will be happy being gay or being straight.

  33. Ken's bitch Says:


    Thanks for all of your intellectual, witty, heart piercing (tagusan baga), and eye opening comments and advices. I’ve pondered and considered all of your insights, though most are different and would sometime contradict each other, still I tried placing myself in each situation and asked the what-ifs question series.

    I’ve come to only two options: (1) Break it off with my gf (tell her I’m gay? “Maybe” -as quoted from one of migs advices from a past entry) and embrace what most of you have been telling me… that I’m gay. (2) Continue the relationship, and turn away COMPLETELY from this nagging sexual desires for men.

    It wasn’t my intention (to play around lsat night), but yesterday, when I went to a legit spa to wash off my current office and life inflicted depression, I got 4 different discreet invites for you-know-what, which then led me to doing my little experiment (ang ko talaga). I chose the one who looked my age only to realise that he’s only 19, 4 years my junior. I decided to play a pseudo relationship kuno just so for me to get a feel or at least a gist of what would it be like if I decide to become gay full time. (No I wasn’t toying with his young mind, before you all react, he consented on it). I decided to skip the sex part and invited him for coffee (just that). The first few discussions were ok, but when we realised that we were boring each of our heads off, we decided to check in a motel (throwing away the skipping part). (To Anton Maton, no, it turned out I wasn’t a bottomesa in the making). the sex was just so-so. I decided to let him sleep in the car while i drove around. He asked for a few minutes so I just decided to park my car and let him sleep. It was then that I realised that I might not be able to live this part of me. I’d always fear of people knowing… my relatives and all. I couldn’t possibly show my love to my partner in public as we would definitely get bewildered stares and dire side comments at that. I realise that there’s a greater chance of a non-lasting relationship. With all these, I’ve concluded that I can’t possibly take option 1… I’m not that strong…

    With option 2, (at least I’ve tried it out and need not do any experiment… ko ulit), and well, you all know I’m not successful at that option either.

    So what to do? Here’s my final decision: Just combine the two options (remove some, but combine each essense). Now, before all of you go and say “WTF!/ such crap!” please hear me out… or at least read my explanation.

    I’ve decided to embrace and accept who I am (option 1). Yes I’m a gay guy who loved a woman and lusted for men (consistently). I’ve now accepted this fact. I will most probably continue to lust for men, but it stops there. I will not break it off with my gf (option 2) and will maintain loyal to her (now that is the hard part). After having no sleep since yesterday and pondering over starbucks’ brewed coffee, I’ve come to appreciate and find light to what I currently have. A woman who loves me unconditionally, and who I will love back selflessly in return. A woman who no matter what our small medical world thinks of how I work, would still be able to shout to the world that she loves me and is proud to be my partner. A woman who grew old waiting for me (she’s in her early 30s I’m in my early 20s), who helped me mature and gave me the confidence that i currently have. Definitely I will still lust for the adonis’ of my kind, but luckily, I still lust for this particular woman (lucky me, sex would still be great). Even with my hidden desires, she would be enough to give me satisfaction and would make me ask myself… How could I want more?

    Now, this is my decision, though not really final until executed and completed, I stand by this commitment.

    I know it would be hard, and I predict that I would even stumble once… hopefully not twice.

    To all of you who gave out their advices, thank you. Each has his own path to choose… I guess i found and chose mine. Tell me what you think. I may not know any of you, but still, your “voices” matter to me… and have played a great deal in keeping me sane. Thank you for your love (naks) and support.

    Wish me luck! (ay, good luck talaga sakin!)

    Kudos to all!

    I guess this would mean deleting my two week old g4m account. hehe.

  34. skiroid Says:

    Hello there Mr. Ken’s bitch.

    Yours is really a complicated situation. But just like what they say, learn to accept yourself and by doing so, you’ll certainly find happiness.

    May I know your email add?

  35. Quentin X Says:

    Good luck! You will need the courage of a saint. It is a shame that you are limited by the expectations of society, unable to show your true colours and be proud of it. To me, family and friends who can’t take you for who you are are not true family nor friends. But then the choice is yours to make. All the best to you, matey.

  36. Ken's bitch Says:

    @skiroid: I know, complicated doesn’t even begin the description of it.

    @quentin: You can say that again… I have priests as uncles (note the plural form). A very conservative family clan (stress on the clan). Though I pride myself as a very independent individual, I guess approval of my parents and other members holds much value and importance in my decisions. As for you, you are very lucky…


  37. webster Says:

    I think It’s a wise choice. The most important thing was accepting who you really are. You didn’t make the decision haphazardly and you are aware of it’s pro’s and con’s. Though all of us want to be happy, we also have the right to torture ourselves. Commitment is very important. I have high respect to people who can keep their words. Yes, probably you will continue to lust for men but choosing the gay path doesnt guarantee that you will not. I think the question of who you lusting for will not be important anymore, (We all have our fantasies) but your faithfulness to your gf. I believe you can be happy if you chose to.

    God bless Ken’s Bitch


  38. RonTab Says:

    @Ken’s Bitch

    Galeng naman. Tuloy tuloy mo lang yan. We all have choices to make and our own reasons. They are as valid as the next person’s.


    You’re correct. Regardless of gender, we do expect faithfulness and loyalty from our chosen partner. It’s very tough, but worth it.

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