I do hope you read this. I know you’ve probably received tons of e-mails asking for your advice, and all may have the same story theme and you might even at one point get tired of reading such similar lines of stories. And I guess this is no exception.
No one knows that I may have some gay tendencies, or at least I would most likely accept being bisexual rather than completely gay. I’m really fighting it, I tell you. The reason? I have a girlfriend and I really do love her, and already have some plans of marrying her. But I guess fidelity doesn’t exist only within the borders of a straight relationship and heterosexual lust. Lusting over the same sex while in a straight relationship is another face of infidelity.
As I’ve said, I am in the continuous battle of fighting this “transformation” of mine, and the only outlet that I got while not fighting it would be reading your blog and at the same time trying to understand my situation, looking for the light in most of your entries and some of your reader’s insights… looking for similarities in the situation and trying to either justify or reject some of my actions and thoughts.
My first experience
It started only about last year when I had my first experience with the same sex, at least the full deal of it. I do admit that even before, I had some short encounters but were only limited to BJs and I was always on the receiving end, nothing more. At that time, I was able to fight it, find it yucky at times and would still have the guts to decline offers and look away from malicious stares. But after my first real experience last year, everything changed.
I just came from the airport form a meeting abroad and just had to go back to the office to drop off some treats for my officemates, to at least lessen the bulk before meeting with my gf and bunking in her place. I was waiting for a taxi when suddenly, for some weird reason, I got eye to eye contact with this guy in an SUV. Suddenly he stopped just a few meters away from me. I guess instinct and sheer stupidity and his “Are you getting in or not?” got me walking towards the car, opened the door and looked into the eyes of the devil himself. Though I got to admit, it was his demonic good looks that got me to climb onto the passenger seat. I was right, he was Chinese-Filipino and extremely good looking. Even the fact that I was holding a possibly 5 kilo baggage and the feeling of some common prostitute didn’t stop me. He took me to his apartment. I was silent the whole time, and honestly trembling. I think I was having some severe palpitations as if I’ve just drank a whole pitcher of brewed coffee. He was aggressive, and thus I played the bottom role. It was embarassing on my part as my nervousness possibly stopped me from getting a complete hard on and I kept complaining how my ass hurts. After which, he even asked me to be his lover, asked for number, and asked to see me again. Everything happened too fast and all I could say was “no”, I guess I was still too scared and guilty of what had just transpired. Needless to say, the experience stuck to my brain like glue that dug deep into my veins. Imagine my weird feeling as I still had to sleep over my gf’s pad. Imagine me having sex with my gf with that pain still up in my ass. Imagine me regretting not giving him my number.
It’s been a year now and no one knew of what happened, no one but me and the Fil-Chi guy. I’m still with the same gf, and am still planning to get married. But there were nights when I’d still think of the Fil-Chi guy and wished that I could have at least given him my e-mail add, if not my number even my address. Every time I’d drive by his area, I’d be looking for that sinful house, but alas, I couldn’t find it.
I was thinking, maybe if I could see him again, and then realize it was just a one time deal, then maybe, I could peacefully move on with my life… with my wife to be… and forget about the past. But for now, even the slightest scent of Abercrombie can make a blurred flashback of his face. And after the event my thirst for the same sex just increased. I hated myself, but loved the experience.
I simply am still confused, possibly just like any other bi/ gay guy who had just discovered this “transformation”. I need your take on this crazy situation I’m in. I cannot break it off with my gf, and yet I cannot stop thinking of him. Help…
Ken’s bitch (ken was the name he gave)
Possibly Related Entries:
- The Polonic Transformation
- Aga Muhlach’s Transformation
- Why so negative, Philippines?
- Can We Ever Change What We Really Are?
- Joseph Kidwell, the transformer
- Kim Gantioqui’s Transformation
- Fight with Flowers
- Falling in Love with A Straight Guy