A married guy nicknamed “Tondomanila” says he is bisexual, and is in a quandary about his relationship with his bestfriend — he is in love with him, as he says “I love him very much, care for him very much and, yes, I am sexually attracted to him.” In his email (which I’m reprinting in this post verbatim) he shares his life, love, and a pressing dilemma — why don’t you dear readers share your thoughts with him too? But first, read on…
I chanced upon your site just today, read much about and I must that Iâ€™ve really felt comfortable with your kind of writing style. I say this because you have a section where you allow your readers to tell them their secrets. Your approach to all of this is very professional, very open-minded and, most importantly, you are NOT judgmental. Yes you constantly remind us that you are not a psychiatrist or whatever, but I trust you even if you donâ€™t know me and I donâ€™t know you really.
This is going to be very long, but PLEASE read it and tell me what you think. I have a best friend. I love him very much, care for him very much and, yes, I am sexually attracted to him. I am bisexual, but I am not sure if my best friend is the same as well. I hope you can enlighten me.
Both of us are married. I am 29 years old and he is 31. Weâ€™ve been together in a charity organization in manila which looks into the plight of children in one area in metro manila.. It is a catholic organization and, yes, we both are devout Catholics, and thatâ€™s why as I will tell you later, this complicates the situation as well. I have two children, and he has one, although his wife is five months pregnant now. I must say that I am very loyal to my wife and my kids, and I love her more than anyone else on earth. I will never leave her and my kids for anything â€“ I canâ€™t see my future without them. I am sexually active with her and I can very well say that she is completely satisfied with me sexually. On my part, I enjoy having sex with her. On certain days in fact, I would ask for it myself really badly. So this part of me is very sure.
My best friend and I have worked together in this project, but for the past few years, weâ€™ve really just been good friends. He never really made a big impression on me to the point that I would like to be with him. When his wife and daughter went to the States for a vacation for three weeks, he was left alone, and I never really cared about where he was and whatâ€™s heâ€™s doing. Of course, I regret now why I didnâ€™t become close to him then because that would have been one good time for me to really be close to him. At any rate, thatâ€™s another issue.
About a year ago however, I invited him to spend dinner with me. Both our wives knew about this (theyâ€™re good friends too, but not really that close). That was the first time that I asked him out, and kami lang, so our wives were also thrilled to know that because they were happy that we were becoming close and becoming best of friends. Weâ€™ve all been praying to find not only best friends, but also best friends who would share with us the same catholic faith. But during dinner, we hit it right automatically â€“ for reason, it just came so naturally â€“ because I suddenly shared with him my own secrets (not about my gender, of course, because I have never confirmed it with anyone in the first place), and he shared with me his own secrets as well. In short, we realized that we were really comfortable with each other. And because we were both are married, men with sexual exploits in the past (weâ€™re both not ugly â€“ had many girlfriends before and enjoyed it), we shared sexual experiences during our bachelor days. I actually shared with him moments of me being blowjobbed by a neighbor gay friend twice, and he asked me if I enjoyed it. I said yes when he was doing it, but no after, because I hated him then. He said he had two near-gay experiences with friends drinking with gay friends. You know how it was during high school â€“ for the fun of it, we would let our gay friends do â€˜itâ€™ on us. His closest was when after four of his friends were done, he had himself exposed to one of their gay friends, started getting blowjobbed, but after 10 seconds, he felt guilty and therefore stopped the act. His gay friend hated it of course, but in the end spent his whole life telling everyone he â€˜tastedâ€™ my best friend. My best friend up to now still feels bad about what happened because that gay friend actually had a crush on him and everytime he sees him now he is still quite ashamed.
We became really close after that, spending time emailing each other and telling each other that weâ€™ve found our one and true best friend. I must say that we both are sincere in our friendship. We even write to tell each other â€œI love you, dudeâ€.
The Physical Attraction
As time passed however, I realized that aside from being my best friend, I suddenly got attracted to him physically such that I would feel agitated if he was with other friends and if he wouldnâ€™t message me at a time I wanted him too. All these were, of course, just â€œkapraninganâ€ but thatâ€™s what I felt. I really felt so much love for him that I couldnâ€™t even work at some point. I just wanted to be with him, although thatâ€™s not possible because he had his own full-time job as well. And of course, weâ€™ve had a covenant that our families are our first priority. Inside me, I didnâ€™t want this physical attraction to continue because I want the relationship to go on as it started â€“ just the two of us as best friends. I never had any sexual relationship with another man in the past and, although I would admit to being attracted to other men, it never really bothered me much because I never really gave all of it much thought. Perhaps because my best friend was open to me as well that I suddenly felt that much of what was inside me suddenly burst and emotion just kept on flowing and flowingâ€¦
I would visit his main office a few times and together we would stay in his grandfatherâ€™s house after work and rest in bed together for an hour or two and then leave for our respective homes. We feel comfortable with one another. Inside the room, we would embrace each other and tell each other than we love or miss each other. I must say though that all this would be initiated by me, although heâ€™s game into doing it also. I was in that sense drawing him into my kind of idealized relationship although, again, this was also a struggle because I wouldnâ€™t want that to happen. Physical closeness, of course, will always make the whole difference. Even now, if I donâ€™t really ask him if heâ€™s free to spend the time with me in his grandfatherâ€™s place, he really wonâ€™t ask me. But if weâ€™re together, he would also embrace me, tightly sometimesâ€¦perhaps a few times, I was able to convince him to rest on my whole body. Sabi ko, if weâ€™re best friends, we should be comfortable with one another. He would it, with some prodding, but the point is, I had to convince him to do it before he would do it himself.
There was one time, a few months ago, a number of families from the charity we work in went to Hong Kong for a few days of bonding session. His family and family went with the group. We only stayed in Hong Kong for a total of four nights, but on the third night, we asked permission from our wives if we could go out, just the two of us. Of course, wala naming problema kasi nga best friends naman kami. And who think about anything else but simply male bonding? Anyway, after a few drinks (but promise we were not drunk at all), I managed to convince him again to go to one menâ€™s room and there we hugged each other. That was not the first time it happened, of course, but this time I kissed him on the lips. He was at first surprised and would move his face away from me, but I kissed him nevertheless a few times. He did not kiss back â€“ he just allowed me to kiss him.
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